Good evening, Hivers and Jivers!
After the rip-roaring success of my 37 part series, The Ultimate Guide to Killing it On Hive,
nobody loads of you sent me letters to say that this was all very well for the newbs but what about people who have been grinding here for a couple of years?
What about the Intermediate Hivers who have found themselves in a rut putting out the same old Haiku's, ghost-written fluff pieces or tired old crypto price posts?
What about the forgotten middle-classes who feel that their account progress has kinda stalled and that they are just going through the motions?
How can we make HIVE exciting again for those who are feeling a bit jaded and unloved?
Worry not my friends. I am here with all of the advice you need to kickstart your account... TO THE MOON!
Let's do this! We will start with the tools of the trade... Discord!
1 There ain't no Discord on Discord
You've heard of Discord, right? It's where all the Hive engagement happens.
Rather than whine about the secret goings-on in various servers it is time to realise that Discord is just a tool and it is a tool that we are about to master.
Go in a random room. For maximum effect choose a busy one. Like HiveWatchers. Drop a link to your latest post and demand some votes. Remember, be respectful but firm.
Such a forward-thinking, go-getting attitude is always admired and in no time you will have people voting your post (not always uppies!) and commenting like crazy on and off-chain.
Notoriety Fame is starting to feel within your reach!
Some people may object to your demand for votes. That is fine. Time for the iron hand, you don't have to take that shit. Don't they know who you are?
A simple death threat or two in a public Discord or even on-chain will swiftly send them packing and earn you the adulation and respect of Hivers far and wide. Don't forget the cuss words. I mean, who doesn't love being cussed out?
2. Why Power Up when you can Power Down?
That's right sisters and brother-men. You have been doing it wrong all this time. Haven't you ever noticed that the best accounts are on a constant power down?
There you are, powering up like a good little Hiver all this time believing that a higher stake gives you more voice on the platform.
I mean yes, in some ways it's true. But fuck that. Life is short so take short cuts
So trust me on this. You want to grow your account! You want bigger rewards? You want to level up? Hit that Power Down button, NOW!
Girlfriend, you cray cray!? How can that possibly help me grow? Well, yes. At first, it seems counter-intuitive but read on my friend. Today is the start of greatness. This... This is your path to the top of the HIVE heap.
Now, with your powerdown engaged, you will never be without something to say!
Try visiting random trending posts and commenting on them that I am powering down because this place is fucked and other such delights. In no time everyone is gonna know your name!
Soon you will amass a body of like-minded small-staked Hive celebrities who are crying the same thing. You will be famous!
3. The Nazis
Now that you are hitting your stride it is time for a series of posts comparing blogging on this social media platform to Nazi Germany. Be sure to bleat repeatedly about censorship and the rise of Hitler. If this isn't enough, re-iterate point 2 many times. I am powering down because this place is fucked.
Bonus points on the invisible Hive-o-meter are given to you if you also mention Stalin, The Chinese Communist Party, the IRS or that you are writing a book exposing the dark underbelly of HIVE and how your own failures have in no way anything to do with what is happening to your account.
Super bonus points for bringing in the FBI.
4 Rage quit (but not quite)
We are over the halfway mark now and if you have been
insanely diligently following the strategy so far you will now be entering the hard yards.
Your posts may be being 'censored' with downvotes. Your blog is muted by many. At this point, you may find yourself wilting. The path ahead feels hard and long.
quotes from old white men go down a treat with the average rage quit audience...
Don't worry. This is all part of the journey. This, is the making of you.
It is time my friends for the Rage Quit.
Yes, the Rage Quit. A post in which you declare yourself done, out of here. Gone.
There are many ways to rage quit. Here are some pointers to include in your post to get you started:
Namecheck your enemies, compare to various dictators (Stalin, Hitler etc, see point 3)
Despite not knowing what the witnesses do, tag a load of them and have a verbal go at them for 'the platform being fucked.'
Compare downvotes to violence. You have literally been assaulted with them.
Witter on about CENSORSHIP and how you are personally being censored by not receiving money from strangers via Upvotes.
Repeatedly state that the platform is doomed to fail because 'me and my four mates with a combined 470 HP are leaving.' See point 3.
Finally, be sure to mention your many successful businesses off platform that there is no evidence of.
That will show them.
But what's that you say? I love Hive really, I don't want to quit!
Well my friends, you are in luck! The joy of doing a good Rage Quit post is that no one ever actually leaves. Where is the fun in that? Oh no, a good rage quit post is followed by a period of inactivity. Perhaps 40 minutes or so. Then you can carry on, business as usual.
If you get called out on not actually quitting, the answer is simple. Mysteriously quote that there are changes coming but you can't speak of them or that there is a plan that will fix everything and to keep their eyes peeled.
There! Now you are free to carry on as you were before.
And that my friends is that. Welcome to Whalehood!!!
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