Hello there, sir.
A tatty looking peasant man greeted me as I opened my front door.
My side lip curled up as if the Good Lady had put pickled dill on my sandwich.
I hate being called sir. It is almost as bad as being called dear. It sets my teeth on edge as if whoever is doing it is waving their fingers at me like an arse-menacing octopus.
Yello.
I said sternly, holding onto the door jamb and swinging from it slightly like a Pirate hanging on to a mizzen-mast who has spied enemy sails on the horizon.
I was wondering if I could just have a moment of your time please sir?
Asked Peasant-Man in a strangely forlorn tone.
I cocked my head to the side and stopped swinging on the doorframe.
You already are!
I said sparkily like a penis-shaped lightbulb being fed 100 watts of the good juice.
I'm sorry?
Replied Peasant-Man, a sharp edge to his tone implying that he was not sorry in the slightest.
I breathed in deep through my majestic nostrils, so majestic were they that an ex-girlfriend had screamed in rage and tried to punch me after I dared compare the hairier left nostril to her vagina.
To this day, I am still not sure why she took it so badly. It was, after all, a compliment.
Don't be sorry, old fellow. What do you want?
Now that the foreplay was over I was tiring and keen to get on to the main act.
Peasant-Man puffed out his chest and struck an oddly formal pose before opening his mouth and singing.
We come but once a year, around here. We clean your gutters and pipes. We clean them well, we clean them well. Our clients have no gripes.
He gave a small bow then smiled expectantly.
I patted my pockets but partly because of COVID and partly because I was a tight bastard with money, I had no coppers to throw him.
Aye, very good. So what do you want?
I drew him the gimlet eye and frowned as if he had suddenly declared he was my wife and yet also a snitch for the FBI and with a sad heart I knew he would have to be taken out to the woods and whacked.
Like I just said. We clean your gutters. Look, I have a van.
He pointed over at a dirty little blue van with a depressed looking ladder attached to the top.
Ha, very good. How much is that then?
I chortled with unbridled joy that such a man had come to my house on this auspicious day.
Peasant-Man took a step back and gave my gutters an appraising look.
Forty pounds normally but today I could do it for fifty and throw in these down-guards.
He brandished a spiky plastic mesh thing at me which looked like it might have been a sieve from a Hellraiser movie.
I peered closely at the down-guard in his hand but not so close that I could catch the COVIDS.
Hmm. No thank you.
I stepped back and began to close my door.
Ok, you got me. Forty and I will throw in the down-guards for free.
He bobbed up and down as if trying to see over my shoulder. I hoped there wasn't a monster behind me.
No thank you. I will clean my own pipes.
Ever so slowly, I closed the door a little further.
We only come round here once a year!
Peasant-Man yelled in desperation.
What?
I hauled the door back open.
We only come round this area once per year! This is your only chance till next year!
Peasant-Manblurted out in a rush, his eyes shining with the potential forty doubloons he thought he could earn.
Ah, I thought that's what you said. No thanks.
I started the door closing thing again, this time making a horror movie-esque creaking noise.
Wait!
He cried.
What?
I opened my mouth to speak but before I could the Good Lady hauled the door open and shoved me rudely to the side.
We don't want any. So FUCK OFF.
She slammed the door shut almost amputating my nose.
Fucking hell, leave the poor guy alone?!
She barked and stomped off back into the nethers of the house.
I waited till she was out of sight then tugged the door open a bit and peeked out.
Peasant-Man was gone.
I sighed. Oh well, back to work I suppose.
Put the money towards gutter guards and be done with it for good. Easy peasy!
I think that is what he was threatening me with!! Strange plastic mess looking things?
I have the luxury of having two German Shepherds who, despite training, like to put on a ferocious show when someone comes to the door. When I see it's someone selling something, I don't hush the dogs, I just loop a single finger through each of their collars and open the door.
Usually, when the door swings open and there is 200 pounds of ferociously barking dogs staring at them, they basically ask .... "Do you want <fill in the blanks>?", I respond with "No Thanks". By this point, they are usually half way down the laneway.
Little do they know that my dogs are sucks and if I let them go, they would run out for a head scratch, then straight back in the house.
Haha, I can totally understand that. Who would want to face off against two ferocious looking German Shepherds!! Even if they are only really angling for a head scratch.
My two cats don't really cute quite the same menace routine. At the worst one of them might miaow for some food which isn't very intimidating!!
Im a soft touch for a little old mam, I would have said yes then put the kettle on for him :)
Then he would have been up your roof throwing tiles about charging you two hundred bucks!
Some bastidge did that to my folks, I was mighty cross. So I treat them all like vagabonds now
I would have sat outside watching him and keep asking what's he's doing. I can be quite annoying Haha I know that surprised you hahaha
They dont care half the time. They just lie and then start eating chips. Trust me, I would trust pigeons more not to shit than I would random doorknockers! lol
I dont get anyone knocking at my door anymore. Probably due to hubby shouting fu** off, he's not a people person.
I need to get more shouty but the missus seems to relish it more
I read your story.. so this real creative you called him peasant begging for work or something for being aggressive in pain handling cuz you didn't mention something about I have no tokens or I have no cover or something like that
Yes indeed, it was exactly something like that!
!BBH
Cheers!!!
Because this is such an awesome post, here is a BBH Tip for you.
. Keep up the fantastic work
The guy really tried. The once per year was the last resort. Definetely not enough for convincing you😅
Once per year, that's a shit business model for a start. How does he live the rest of the year!?
Maybe he has a side hustle and this is what he does for a hobby, who knows
Never any doubt as to the Good Lady tossing out the errant door-to-doors. Ladies have a way of telling you to shove off without leaving an opening for re-admittance lol ;)
Too bad she took away your cat and mouse game....sounds like you were having a good time lol
It's the working from home thing, I need some entertainment throughout the day, I get really bored!
I am amazed the Good LAdy hasn't kicked me out, lol
Some people say that COVID does not exist. Is COVID-19 real, or just/only an unnecessary panic amongst the people?
Amusingly, a lot of the ones who say it is a hoax for whatever reason are now jumping on the IT CAME FROM A WUHAN LAB bandwagon. People are funny :O)
The lady of the house has spoken !
How dare she spoil your fun. LOL
I am not one to cast aspersions ut the first time I heard the term buzzkill I looked at my Good Lady and nodded hehe
LOL ! That made me laugh !
Your Good Lady Is super! I can understand her, cause I did the same in the past. 😜 Warm hugs to all Boom Family! ❤️
Hey hey milady! I hope you are well!
Men need good wives to save them from the doorknockers :OD
Is 40 pounds for gutter cleaning expensive? Do you have trees around the house?
That reminds me, I haven't cleaned mine in 5 years time!! And I won't be doing it myself! Hell NO!
You can probably tell, I have no idea how much it can cost!
I dont actually think it is too expensive. I haven't done it in seven years but I have ladders, when the time comes I have to do it I will be up them like a flash and congratulating myself on 40 bucks saved! :OD
don't forget the broken leg and the medical cost associated with that... :)
Not to scare you, but a friend of mine did just that, and fell from only 2 ft off the ground, I think from the 3rd step of the ladder... broken the ankle...surgery didn't fix it... after 1 year... doc said... we can't do shit, your only choice is amputation!!
Yeek! Amputation! Now you are making the 40 bucks seem like an attractive option!
I will send the Good LAdy out to find the man with the blue van! ... Or maybe wait till he comes round next year :O)
yeah, don't want to climb the ladder at my age and with my agility :)
I like to pretend i am as nimble as a cat-ninja but yeah, I might be in the same boat!
Some sage advice here dear Sir.
In future let the good lady handle the door, she seems quite adept at it.
I mean a nose job could be quite expensive nowadays.
You just set his teeth on edge as if whoever is doing it is waving their fingers at him like an arse-menacing octopus.
Hahaha. 😂😂😂
Hahaha, yes I saw that and decided to try and provoke the octopus 🤣🤣🤣
He is the master of satirical scribes this guy and I love his humor.
I could probably do with a good nose job, mine is a bulbous giant thing but yeah, she has the moves!! ;0)
Hahaha, I laughed at the way that she ended that intelligent conversation.
I had a nose job and it was the most traumatic experience of existence lately.
A guy with a small hammer and a chisel hammering through the broken bones in my nose.
He even had the audacity to berate me becuase I spat blood all over his white apron.
We didn't have the money to pay for an operation, so he did it by giving me a local in his consulting rooms. Never again my friend.
OOOOWWWWWWW! That sounds horrible!!
Never let a man have at you with a chisel with only a local! I feel all twitchy at the thought of it!
Oh yeah, one nasty exprience.
Have a good Friday my friend and thank you for your kind support.
No worries man!! Have a good one yourself! :OD
👉👍👈
Hehehe... Looks like the old lady holds the negotiating part down firmly
She always has and or actually makes me a happy man!! :0D
Haha! The good lady is brilliant! She doesn't fool around with niceties! I like her style!
I like it because she doesn't swear a lot, well, at least compared to me but when she does it's awesome!!
It has shock value! It's worth more because it takes you by surprise.
Thats why I think I ended up being so crude to shock people. I don't mean my playful crude on here, I can be positively ridiculous in real life
Don't worry! I am sure you are truly shocking! The choice or wording here is playful crude, but, very creative. I must give you bonus points most days. :)
I will take a bonus point Pray you never meet me in the pub, I will make your hair stand on end!
A great answer... that made me laugh... so.. <-hands on hips->, would be another way of putting it and more on the camp side..., don't you have a 'no beggers, no hawkers' sign glued to your front door?
We do! We have one that's issued by the Police, quite a bright amber rectangle of a thing. It is part of the reason I give them a right good annoying when they do rock up. Yesterday I had a guy being snide about my admittedly shit driveway! Basturts, cant they read!
Our driveway looks like shit compared to the neighbours. It's also 3 times longer which is why I haven't done anything about it yet. We have had the new driveway seller dudes hassling me, 'only £5000 to do it all'..., yeah right.. fuck off!
Ours is dead short and delapidated like one of your explores. The guy couldn't stop shaking his head when looking at it. I felt strangely protective over it like it was a rather ugly girlfriend
Thanks for continuing to make Hive awesome.
wow..... @meesterboom
your writings are legit and meaningful
Steady on old chap they're only meant to be funny :0)