I was enjoying a cup of Earl Grey in my study when my maid Liselle entered the room and attempted what could be called a curtsey before speaking in her rustic french tones.
Milord, your gentleman friend Jude has come a calling. Shall I let him in?
I fixed her with an acid eye. Her attempt at a curtsey reminding me of a Giraffe having a seizure.
Yes yes, let him in.
She did that strange pirouette she called a curtsey again and left to fetch him. I wondered what bought Jude here. I had not expected to see him till later in the week at the club. I had known Jude for years. He was a fine figure of a man despite having a face like a punched penis.
He bounded into the room, his walrus moustache twitching up and down with excitement.
Boomy! Quick, you absolutely must come!
I gave him a raised eyebrow or three.
I say that's not usually something I hear from another fellow?
Oh! Haha, very droll! No, I mean you must come with me. Hang on. No. I mean, Come down to the harbour!
The harbour old fellow? But I'm not drunk, and it's not night-time?
Jude's eyes shone with excitement as he bounded closer.
I'm not talking about procuring some ladies who like some southern jazz, old fellow. I have been told that a giant sea monster has been washed up on the beach! We simply must go and witness this.
I sat upright and put down my tea.
A sea monster you say? A giant sea monster? By golly, this is incredible. Do we have time for a pipe?
Jude pulled out his little ivory number. I pulled out my larger more ornate ebony piece.
Always time for a quick suck of the pipe!
We both chuckled.
We picked our way along the beach, there was a small crowd gathered near a giant hump of something. As we elbowed our way through to the front, I offered Jude a snifter from my hip flask to ward off the cold.
What the devil fuck is that?
I remarked, tamping some baccy into my pipe.
If I am not mistaken, it's a ruddy great whale?
Jude responded passing me back my flask.
A whale? No, that's Miss Rutherford that sells scones from that grubby little box on Whitton Lane
I guffawed at my own fine jokery.
Are you sure? That looks more like a Sea Monster to me!!
Jude chortled, bending forward and slapping Miss Rutherford's ample behind.
There was a great snort of indignation from the offending Miss Rutherford and she slowly rotated her great mass and scowled at us.
I smiled back.
Ma'am.
I winked.
Her face purpled and wobbled like arse jelly.
How dare you two so-called gentleman speak to me thus! Why, if my husband were here, he would give you a bloody good hiding!
I drew myself up straight and pointed at her with my pipe.
Madam, your husband is a prick and were he here I would have leathered him with my belt for having a face like the shoe I once shat in.
Miss Rutherford made a strangled noise as if the cow she ate for breakfast was frantically trying to gallop out of her stomach.
I turned my attention back to the real sea monster lying before us.
So Jude, A whale you reckon?
It did look very much like a whale except it was a strange mottled grey and a bit collapsed looking. I wandered around with Jude to the front to look at its head. Ah yes. It was indeed recognisable as a whale now. I stopped in front of one of it's gigantic dark eyes.
It seemed to focus on me. I sensed a deep connection and intelligence behind its gaze. We knew each other, he and I. Gargantuans of our respective oceans. The other inhabitants of the depths in which we dwelt mere fish beside our titanic majesty.
I stepped back.
Jude, fetch me several cases of dynamite.
What's that Boomy? You can't be...
Ha, no. I am fooling with you. Run to the harbourmaster and fetch some chains and tarpaulins and get him to bring a tug as close to land as possible. Make it quick. And someone get buckets. Lots of them. This creature needs water!
At my gentlemanly bark the clustered peasants ran to do my bidding, Jude ran with them. For a moment, I was alone with the majestic whale.
Something jabbed me hard in the back. I turned. Ah, I was not alone. It was Miss Rutherford. She had poked me with a stout umbrella.
You think you can just insult me, you bastard man?
She hissed like a snake that has just eaten a sheep.
My husband is on his way right now and he is bringing several of his friends. See how big a man you are when they get here! They will wipe the bloody floor with you.
I cast a glance up and down the beach before turning back to Miss Rutherford with a predatory smile.
Jude came running along the beach with the bucket carrying peasants. When he saw the scene before him he picked up the pace, calling frantically.
Boomy, BOOMY! What on earth has happened? Are you alright?
I waved weakly from where I lay in the sand. Jude and several peasants helped me up.
I'm ok. I am alright. I am sorry. I couldn't save her. The thing, it just came to life. I went at it with my cane but it flung me back.
I groaned and clutched at my ribs.
One of the peasants ran forth. It was Mr Rutherford.
Oh my god, no!! Not my sweet Fannie! Oh no, help... HELP!
He ran over to the carcass of the Whale. The unfortunate Miss Rutherford stuck out from its mouth from the chest up, her body a mess of deep gouges and bloody rips. She was quite dead, as was the Whale which had a solid two-thirds of my cane embedded in its eye.
I staggered over and pulled my cane out from its eye like Arthur pulling out Excalibur. It had gobbets of brain and other flesh stuck to it.
Mr Rutherford screamed in anguish at the sky as he cradled the once Miss Rutherford's head in his lap.
Nooooooooooooo!!!! My sweet Fannie!! No, oh no! How could this have happened?!
I staggered over to him. Jude holding on to my elbow for support.
I am so sorry old fellow. Everyone left to get buckets and tools to save this damned creature and it was just myself and your good lady. We were idly chatting when the behemoth suddenly jerked into life and whipped its awful head round and started savaging your good wife like a rag doll.
I bowed my head. The peasants had gathered round in awed silence as I told the tale.
Being a gentleman, I could not back down from such a monster. I knew I had to save your lady wife or die trying. I fought it with my cane whilst it gnawed and tore at your darling wife thing. It smashed it's tail fin into me and broke a couple of ribs before I finally buried my cane into its eye and right on through into its brain. It gave a mighty roar and then fell silent.
I shook slightly and raised my head toward Mr Rutherford.
I am so sorry old fellow. I thought I had saved her but alas... I was not quick enough.
Mr Rutherford laid his wife's head gently in the sand and stood to face me. He put a hand on my shoulder.
Milord, you did all that you could! To go toe to toe with a sea monster from the deep? You are a bloody hero. I only wish my Fannie could be here to thank you herself!
He raised my arm making me wince and faced the crowd of peasants.
THIS MAN... IS A HERO!!
The peasants roared and threw their hats in the air. Jude roared too, tears in his eyes.
I gave a half bow as best as I could manage.
Mr Rutherford. I must rest, perhaps have a medicinal brandy. But worry not. Tonight I will send you round a fine boiled ham. Damn it all. I will send two in honour of your lady.
Mr Rutherford wept openly now.
You are too kind milord. Far too kind. A true hero!!
As Julian helped me off the beach the peasants roared.
UNC-LE BOOM...UNC-LE BOOM...UNC-LE BOOM!!!
Take me home Jude.
I whispered weakly.
Oh god Boomy, I can't even begin to imagine having to face down a beast that size. Was it truly awful?
Well you know Jude old fellow...
Awww are you kidding me!!!! there is no more respect in this world? Imagine our dearest Gentleman aka Unlcle Boomy taking a shot (joke) at an ordinary peasant Miss Rutherford and she started her nagging even to the point of calling a fight with another peasant aka his husband with a gentleman...now she paid for her life which also affected the poor whale...a big lesson for others...Ahhhh poor Jude was so proud of our Hero-uncle boomy!!!hahahaha , they will never know the truth ...because a gentleman never tells...
Exactly, let them celebrate the great Boomster!! hehe!
Awwwwww Oh my Goodness!!! no apologies for your action? anyway...she asked for it!!!
A gentleman apologises almost as much as he tells!
Damn!!!! Miss Rutherford made a mistake of her life to constantly challenge a gentleman now she has gone to the stars with the whale!!! chills for a young lady like me reading my favourite ...Thursday with Uncle Boom. Wow
Hehe, she went out with a bang no doubt! :O)
There is no respect anymore, as to say to a hair like El Tio Boom, no one knows the temperament and the strong character of the knight, for that reason they dare to challenge until they find death for their mistake.
Thank you very much dear friend @meesterboom for another great episode of dear uncle Bom
have a great afternoon
And death will be their companion it is written!!
Hahahaha! Uncle Boom is incorrigible ... and those of us who are of a rather suspicious nature will never tell either ....lol!
Hahaha, he is indeed! Incorrigible hero to the peasants! Why, someone might commision a painting for such a man! ;O)
I can just see it now .... in the library .... with the parlour maid practicing her courtsey whilst whisking the dust off it .... hehehe!
Hehe, funnily enough I often like to picture the parlour maid practising her courtsey in the library too whilst I whisk the dust off it ;O)
hehe!
LOL! :D
Miss Edwards, I just realised you do not havw a profile pic/avatar. Outrageous!
Aw crap! I wondered how long I'd get away with that. Guess I have to do something about it now, lol.
Okay, my profile pic is up, but only because Uncle Boom called me "Miss Edwards" ... I am thoroughly chastised. Hehehe.
Fannie's fanny is toast, that's what she gets for brandishing an umbrella at Uncle Boom, a mere peasant harpie. Whale food!
Exactly, how very dare she. The peasant boot!!
I just found about you. What a discovery!
You just got a rabid fan!
Aw wow! That is awesome! I love rabidity! ;O)
Thank god it wasn't nessie! Or was it... Please tell me Uncle Boom hasn't just killed off the Loch Ness Monster?!! OMG surely of all the murderous things he has done, that would have to be the worst! lol
That's a splendid idea!! I mean, kill Nessie?... He wouldn't dare!
Hmm... Surely there's some CCTV around.
Also, the real question here is, why would Uncle Boom shit in a shoe?
CCTV? On a beach? In Britain? That is madness!
Sometimes life gets you so all you can do is shit in your own shoe! :0)
Isn't Britain winning on the CCTV front? Or London at least. Not sure where Uncle Boom lives. Probably not in London if there's a beach nearby.
Is this his shoe?
That is it!! That is the shoe!!
Hehe, city centres are crawling with it but in the burbs or the country there is nada!
Damn, i really enjoy this, He raised my arm making me wince and faced the crowd of peasants..... Cheese..... Uncle Boom is so boomy
He is very boomy! Double boom!
uncle boomy to the rescue. I tale of sea monsters, what a fertile imagination you have Sir! My hats off to you.
He is quite the fellow indeed. I am a mere chronicler ;O)
Haha, uncle boom. How well you fought off that beast, the monstrous whale. Could this be a metaphor of some sort, directed at steemit whales? It's a pity Miss Fannie (what a name) had to die.
Lol, no. No metaphor, just a whale on a beach!
It is such a shame she had to die at the hands of such a vile monster!
Vile monster you say. This case is most deserving of an investigation but then, uncle boom is peasant hero, he could do no wrong :)
Exactly, he is a King among men!
Too funny!!! Who exactly was beached??? bahahahaha well done sir!
Cheers dude! :O)
Have a nice and successful day. Be part like teacher in our Steemit School on discor channel - I f you can of course.
A teacher you say! I wouldnt mind dropping by and seeing what all this fuss is about :O)
I beleive in your skills, pls support our mission with your unique style. We waiting for you https://discord.gg/r88qKc
I will pop in tonight :O)
hahaha, His Face was like a punched penis :p
Great punch @uncleboom :p
ahaan Mr Rutherford ;)
is she beautiful ;)
Maybe she was once, but after the Whale's mouth can anyone ever be beautiful... :OD
hahaha no no :p No one!
@UncleBoom I've posted a remedy for Ashthma.
I saw!
yeah i saw you saw :p
He does try!
Where oh where do you get your imagination from? LOL!!!
Hehe, I wonder myself at times!
Never expected to get paid for having such a vivid imagination...isn't it just wonderful?
I truly never did! I just posted my nonsense on Facebook occasionally. It's totally amazing!
Too bad Uncle Boom hadn't sent for the dynamite. What a spectacular show that would be...Mrs. Rutherford and the whale blown to bits. No evidence of what happened either...
It would have been spectacular for sure! Old Uncle B does like a show!
Ooh I truly thought and hoped a real monster was there like Lock Ness Monster and I realized that this fantasy I hoped to be Real is Reality more seriously real...🤣
Hehe, Uncle boom is the real monster. He is a bit of a murderer!
Wow! You fight with a sea monster and came out unscathed. You are truly a hero.
On the other side of the coin, I think that you killed Miss Rutherford inadvertently as you fight with the whale. Well, its good they didn't know.
Upvoted!
It is good that they don't know ;0)
I do not want to think that Uncle Boom had anything to do with Mrs. Rutherford's death, because Uncle Boom was going to have problems with Mr. Rutherford and probably other people, but this sudden death of Mrs. Rutherford had solved her problem, but a gentleman can never say what really happened ... And now Uncle Boom is a hero in the town and surely the good girls will come to him ... I hope he leaves the drink and can form a solid home.
Yes, suddenly the problem is solved and all is well... Or is it!
I hope it does not become a problem after Uncle Boom
The world population is slowly reducing, one by one, each week.
Because a 'Gentleman Never Tells' the local Mr Plod has no idea what is going on.
How long can our beloved hero continue to reduce the worlds population, one worthy candidate at a time.?
Watch this space for next weeks instalment of this gripping, killing tale.
How long indeed? Perhaps forever, keeps the same of time are already counting down!
There is a Little Lady busy digging the sands of time out of the bottom and onto the top so they will never run out.
I wonder if modern technology can duplicate Uncle Boom a few hundred times, export him to needy countries, and clean up some of the unwanted.
They could form the " Criminals In Action" group, might even get Govr funding.
You always know how to entertain me master Boomz))
WEll I am glad that I do!
Why did the whale have to die!? Damn you Fannesca Rutherford! Damn you to hell!! The noble sea creature could've lived and upvoted worthy dolphins and minnows, but it had to die to cover up a
gruesome murderdeserved killing. For that, I wish that she become a lowly plankton in her next life. Begging and being all spammy just to get a measly vote. Flags for your Fannie!I know! The poor whale! It could have lived to spread the goodness among the briny deep and instead it lies on a forlorn beach with a big hole in its eyesocket! :OD
Sacrifices have to be made after all. For a second there, I thought this was the episode where Uncle Boom is outed and a mass killing was warranted!
A mass killing! Now that would be something to see!
By the time we get to #666 I expect the apocalypse!
Lol, maybe that one will be him tracking down the last man living!
Could it be... no, it couldn't. Could it? Gah... that's absurd! I... would Uncle Boom even go after his toughest conquest by then? After all, when the dust has settled, the last man living is... himself! Que horror!
Happy Start of the Month, Excellent story thanks for sharing I loved it
Splendid. A happy start of the month to you too!
Boomy help line dial trust you never have a signal issue but prompt response.
Uncle Boom
the bloody herolove your coinage of word, some made me laughThank you very much :O)
I couldnt help but notice you didnt vote... I am loath to flag you out of hand because you have commented on my posts before. I wasn just wondering, was this an oversight? Or have I happened upon something?
Oversight, did the needful
Nice @masterboom
U r a great storyteller
Cheers, I try!
Do you think you can insult me, you bastard? hahaha with much utoridad.
Lol, cheers! :O)
Uncle boomy how could you do this.
Wow what a twist, at first i thought its a comedy with the maid and all. Then poor fannie died. 😞😞
Pls keep the stories coming @meesterboom👍
Perhaps it is a comedy. Just an ever so slightly dark one :O)
I almost donwvoted you for comment spam. You should be careful about commenting on posts that you dont vote for. Some of us are animals!
apologies.....didn't know about that rule. #voted
It's not a rule.
How the heck she says to you like this.
Only fools dare tread there :O)
Great as usual! I need to make more time to get around here and witness these. love it! Not sure which bits were referring to the sea creature and which to the neighbor lady. LOL
Wow, I have been missing wonderful stories, great storyline, good use of imagery, you are a brilliant writer, let me be your apprentice here
I am glad you like it!
As my apprentice your first lesson should be...
Vote on posts you comment on or risk being flagged
Done boss I just thought my vote is weak
A murder again!!
yeey.
However, I must ask...
what is "who like some southern jazz, " :D
Hahaha, I only just saw this! Perhaps it is one of a certain persuasion!
omg, uncle boom 😂😂 hello, i think have a nice day with uncle boom 😍 great writing about uncle boom.👌👏👏
Omg!! I will have a lovely day!
Cara masuk ke grup bagaimana bos...
Double spammy
Uncle Boom
Yes?
It seems you downvoted my comment, I don't seem to understand the reason you did that
I did!!
I am sure you are aware that commenting without voting is considered spammy? No doubt you have a thousand reasons why you didn't vote but to real users of this site it is insulting and we are all tired of it.
Do you know why it's insulting and we tire of it? Because you commented solely in the hope of getting an upvote on your comment.
Now, there is nothing wrong with a bit of that. No no, nothing wrong with that at all. But to not vote for a post that you spam? Well, thats just rude. I mean, what would a vote have cost you? Not a single thing. Nothing.
So you happily spam for upvotes, well if you do that then dont be upset when the opposite happens and you get downvotes instead.
So yes, in a long winded way. I did downvote you. I hope you understand now
For real? What if I tell you I am not aware that commenting without upvoting is an offense, would you believe?
I was really surprised because I knew I did nothing wrong that was why I was prompted to asked the reason for your downvote action.
Anyway, I am very sorry and I will do the needful now by upvoting the post.
One lesson learned on steemit today. I am very sorry, very sorry.
Thanks!
In order to succeed here, learn how to read and comment prudently unless your reputation will be destroyed. Read a post, upvote it if you like it and then send in a comment according to your understanding of the post (or avoid commenting instead of writing Uncle Boom...that is like an insult to the post). I wonder why you couldnt send in a good comment on our best weekly post: Thursday with uncle boom...
Sure, thanks for this, at learnt I have learnt a lesson today.
Good
So you replied twice and upvoted bot your own comments but not the post you voted on?
So Spammy! Let me give you a vote or two
The story is very impressive comrades, I am amazed with your posts, success is always a friend
What is more impressive is your serial commenting and not voting my friend!
Success to you!
Thank you friends, please support from friends,