Not intending to be crude but I can increase your chances of getting laid. As a female and an interior designer I can make you more attractive to that special someone you've been dying to woo. Fact.
For those of you that have had your flat made over by an interior designer or have been enlightened to the world of interiors can look away now, or continue reading if your apartment/house/garden shed still isn't helping you get the objects of your desire past the threshold of your love den.
Now let's be clear, I cannot help you get them to your front door, that's completely up to your witty banter and ravishing eau de toilette, but I can help you once they have agreed to come home with you. Note AGREED, no forcing people. No means no.
A couple of years ago I fell in love with my upstairs neighbour, literally fell head over heels in love with the Adonis (meaning: a very beautiful or sexually attractive young man) upstairs.
He was everything I had ever dreamt of in a man; tall, fit and handsome with a gorgeous deep voice and warm almond shaped eyes that were so kind and smiley. And his personality seemed pretty cool too.
(Happy to report, it turned out his personality is pretty cool, we live together now but more about that later...)
Luckily he felt the same way about me and sparing you the details of our courting we'll skip ahead to... we started dating.
Soon into the wonderful days of getting to know each other and spending every waking moment around each other he invited me over for tea.
Into his flat I sauntered expecting pretty much the same layout as my flat below, something along the lines of West Elm furniture to match a simple clean decor but oh no, far from it guys. Far from it.
In the living room in front of the fireplace was a saggy brown cord sofa (similar to the horrendous thing above) blocking the beautiful original ornate Victorian fire place. To it's left, slightly blocking the door entrance, another brown saggy cord sofa. A book shelf above it piled with books in no order, unless you count DUMPED as a filing system. And a dining table wedged between the bay windows (another lovely Victorian feature that was lost), and some lifeless curtains hanging from the windows.
I sat myself down on the sofa and tried to ignore the bachelor apartment around me.
I know I sound horrible. I haven't even mentioned the lighting.
But I could see the potential all around me and my fingers itched to start rearranging. I sat on my hands as he went out the room to make the tea.
I am a Visionist.
I see how things will look best and by golly gosh I need to make them look their best. I've subconsciously done it my whole life. Rearranged my bedroom, rearranged my friends bedroom, the living room of my family home, showrooms at HABITAT and not just furniture, outfits. Even while people are wearing them. I can tell you what will look best BUT I'm at my most visionary when I see a mess. No offence.
So what did I do to my boyfriends flat and how am I going to get you laid?
To be fair to my boyfriend, he had been living in this flat for 7 years and had flatmates and family members who had also lived there with him. As they moved on they casually used the flat like a hoarding garage to store their crap and him being the kind man he is, he never threw anything out.
So that is what I did. I threw away the forgotten, defunct objects and I was merciless as I did it. I rearranged, I tided up. I made piles of things; things that were interesting and would stay in my boyfriends home, things that were ugly or broken or just crap and deserved to go nowhere but in the bin and a last pile of things that were nice but didn't belong in the flat and were going to the local charity shop.
The results spoke for themselves.
People that walked into that flat afterwards were amazed at the difference and said it looked like a completely different flat. My street cred went up.
Recently I read about the KonMari Method. You might have heard about her books, she was in the New York Times bestseller list for ages with her book The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up. Stay with me people, what her book says resonates and there’s proof that it works.
Marie Kondo is a specialist at clearing up and decluttering your home. Her theory is that if you declutter and organise all in one fellow swoop, you won’t ever need to do it again in your life. I don’t know about you but the thought of a decluttered my home for life sounds pretty darn good to me. So good is Marie Kondo that she has no repeat clients and a 3 month waiting list for her services.
The key to her method is getting rid of any possession that doesn’t “spark joy”. I know, a bit strange but also, making sense right? Why keep the crap that does not give you any joy?
Get rid of it.
Now things do go a little weird at times of reading her book, you are told to bow and thank your things for the hard work they have done for you. The belts and the blazers and your socks who worked hard fitting your feet in your gym trainers and doing their jobs.
You are told to thank them all.
I actually draw the line here but then she goes on to say is make your closet tidy. that makes sense.
Don't scrunch up your socks and tights, roll them gently into a roll and fit them into your sock drawer.
I personally like to fold up my knickers (underwear). I do. I spend quite a bit of time each week folding up my knickers.
Ok enough intimate and weird talk from me, here are some do's and some don't's of improving your home and increasing your chances of getting laid:
DO: Like Marie Kondo (and moi aussi - French for Me Too) and get rid of mess. There is no need to hoard and hold on to things that do not bring you joy. As stupid as this sounds, bear with me... Look around you and find that part of of your home that pisses you off. Select what brings you joy from that and chuck the rest. You don't need it.
DO: Spend some money on your interiors and do it wisely.
For example, buy the important things then you can buy the fun bits, do not spend $$$ on some expensive speakers until you have bought a decent looking sofa and coffee table.
Same goes for TV's.
It is not OK to blow your living room budget on a 500inch TV screen and throw some beanbags on the floor and declare your living room done.
DO: Tread carefully with leather sofas, often they look horrible, like some nasty 80's equivalent to the mullet. Yes they do. But if you must get one, go for a chesterfield which are highly uncomfortable but at least look good.
An additional bonus is when you have a date come over they will be jumping at the suggestion to 'move into another room' ie your bedroom ;) due to the level of discomfort. You can thank me later.
The Chesterfield sofa should be purchased second hand (as they look much better worn in) and for a reasonable price you can get them from a vintage shop or antiques market.
Or go for something like this:
This piece is by an Italian company called Arte In Motion which has a lot of cool fun pieces all reasonably priced.
DO: Buy a large chest of drawers to hid things in, this really is a very good method that I swear by. We all have busy lives and cannot always tidy immediately after ourselves so use the chest of drawers to contain this BUT come back to it later and put away
DO: Use furniture to hid the mess, we all have paper bills that we are slack in filing, hid them in a drawer. Seriously, allocate a drawer (or two) in a chest of drawers for all of your paperwork that you cannot deal with there and then and put them in there. Out of sight is immediately tidier.
Lighting.
Most modern builds have spot lights but they also have plug sockets so go and get yourself some mood uplighters and use these instead of the ceiling lights.
DO NOT: use coloured bulbs, this is not a brothel in Amsterdam, go for warm white and use normal bulbs not those horrific energy saving curly light bulbs, normal halogens. Get a few for a room not one or two.
Uplighters can look like this:
The boudoir (your bedroom) - where the magic happens
DO: Make your bed. As mum always said and we all know mums are right.
DO: Invest in some nice bed linen. High thread-count Egyptian plain white cotton is great.
DO NOT: be tempted by satin or silk, that is not luxurious just sleazy. Also dark colours aren't great in the bedroom but if you must go dark go for grey or dark beige NO black, this is not a morbid torture chamber.
DO: use bedside tables and nicely stack your magazines and put a bedside lamp on it like this:
DO: Buy some art and have it framed.
DO NOT: Tape posters straight on the wall, posters look really great framed and hung. Putting up artwork will instantly change a room.
By following these pointers you will create a space that will begin to reflect your character and your style and get you laid.
What is nicer than entering a living room with interesting elements like street art collected from a trip to Paris and figurines bought in a market in Peru? A sofa that suits the room and has character because it is vintage and gorgeously worn?
These will also act as solid conversational topics before you get down to the real business at hand.
Imagine how refreshing for you to open your front door with your new friend and be proud of what you see instead of the side glance at the pile of post left on the coffee table, hoping that they won't notice it.
What a turn on for someone else to walk into a well kept and characterful apartment, with lovely lighting and a relaxing atmosphere instead of some crammed, unkempt and grubby place.
It ain't rocket science people.
Please go ahead and release your thoughts below, spill the beans on your homes, interior buys and questions or just tell me about your day, I am here for you.
AND, follow me here @natnot so you don't miss any of my next posts.
Natnot xx
So great... You know your audience! And after the interiors are ready, I'll come in and fix up the flower gardens and landscape, and everyone will live happily ever after!
Great idea! Are you a landscape architect by profession or is it more something you do just for pleasure?
I am a professional gardener, but it is because I like doing the work! So work and pleasure :-)
I am not a landscape architect, I work with a small gardening company - we do garden maintenance, restorative pruning of shrubs and small trees, re-design*, consultations. and we do all the planting ourselves (I'm the youngest at 57! lol) The owner's husband is also very good at building small retaining walls. We do not do lawn service.
*Re-design is our specialty. We try to work with what people have. We will see what's good, what should go, and what should be moved. For instance, many people have left their foundation plantings get sheared to death or have let them get overgrown. We can figure out what is worth saving, what is worth scrapping, and then what to add. And then we do all the procuring and all the planting. Same with garden beds. My co-horts call me the 'shrub doctor'! I can save and shape just about any boxwood!
If a job is too big and needs a lot of earth moving, we have some landscape architects that we will refer.
Sounds like a heavenly job/ pleasurable hobby, and to be surrounded by varying degrees of nature, bliss! I too find my work and hobby lives collide, we are the lucky few! Doing what we love and being paid for it. I love the concept that you try to work with what you already have rather than just bulldozing everything away and starting afresh. I often think that we live in a "throw away" culture and have stopped thinking about the repercussions of the "buy a new one" mindset of today.
As long as my wife doesn't have me assembling ikea stuff non stop, I'm happy with our interior :)
Ikea will be the downfall of civilization! :-D
Cg
Haha! Had a run in with some of their pieces, have you Cg?
Ha! Got to say I love a bit of Ikea assembling me. Who is responsible for your interior as it stands now, you or the wife?
Love the post, great perspective. I feel the same way about cheesy decorations in girls' rooms, especially being in college I think it is so important to have a well-decorated room. Although that is as much for me as it is for other people.
One question: how does tidiness factor into this? I like to think that I have a good sense of style but I tend to be a bit on the messy side...
Hi Baodog, thanks for reading and your kind comments. I think it's fair to say we can't spend our lives living in pristine conditions, especially at collage you're busy living your life. So try to keep it to organised chaos rather than a new species of bacteria growing in a coffee cup next to your bed and you're on your way to using your interiors to increase your chances at getting laid. Boom!
"unless you count DUMPED as a filing system"
Hahaha brilliant line.
Loved the article! Brought a proper smile to my face . Bring on the next set of intriguing tips/topics x
CC
Thanks CC!! Great to hear I amused you.
I'm a big fan of bookcases and it is one of my pet peeves when I see a maltreated one.
Hoping my next article doesn't disappoint! xx
I was with you until the part where you suggested to buy a Chesterfield sofa even though they're uncomfortable. Won't be happening in my house!
That's my British satire ;) and also indirectly referencing the saying "no pain no gain" :)
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