I just got back from a coffee shop that's one of the scant few businesses open past midnight around here. It's always interesting to see who shows up. An insomniac cross section of society, ships passing in the night, as we're unlikely ever to run into each other during the daylight hours.
The moon was beautiful tonight. Being that it's Summer, the air is warm enough even after the sun has gone down that it's comfortable to walk around outside in a regular button down shirt, or with a light jacket. The night air felt cool and familiar on my skin, in particular the fine hairs on my arms.
Everything looks different in the nightlands, but no less beautiful. Trees in particular take on an ominous tone due to the complex shadows they cast on themselves. Every small movement, leaves rustling due to a light wind, seems to suggest something is hiding amid the branches and preparing to pounce.
Street lamps replace the sun. Like small stars yanked down from the heavens for our convenience, flickering at an almost imperceptibly rapid frequency. Confused moths flitter about the lights, mistaking them for the moon which their ancestors navigated by, before humans invented candles, light bulbs and other sources of light pollution.
Once you become comfortable with it, the dark is no longer frightening. Because you're no longer a trespasser in it, you're a native of the shadows who belongs there. Like the biologist who lives in the field for weeks or months in order to witness rare sights they never could during brief visits, the long-term inversion of your sleep cycle will change the way you see nature at night.
Sleep cycle inversion tends to happen when I am finally comfortable somewhere. Which is why it's bittersweet and a touch amusing I might have to move out of this house, as apparently I've finally settled into it.
It's something I fall into easily, having always been a night owl with an addiction to the internet and games. I'm certain it's terrible for my health as it's resulted in my distinctively pallid complexion, permanent bags under my eyes and a feeling of weakness in spite of all the lifting I do.
90% of businesses are off limits to the nocturnal human. But that's somewhat helpful. The normally paralyzing over-abundance of choice is swept away, you are instead presented with a small selection of places to eat, drink, and write that you may never have noticed or considered patronizing during the day.
On the way you'll pass others who are awake and out walking along the sidewalk at such an improbable hour. Who could they be? What's their story? Do they have legitimate business which keeps them up so late, or are they like you? Trapped in a vicious cycle from which no escape seems possible.
It almost seems tenable. Once you ease into it and become acclimated, I mean. Your energy returns to you an hour or so after you awaken, the same rush you get about an hour after waking up in the morning. You go through your normal morning routine of a shit, shower, brush and a shave, the only difference is the darkness outside your window.
Perhaps if you have a sense of humor you even fix a bowl of cereal. Recently I have taken to going out to parks, as living this way does not diminish my desire to be immersed in flora every so often. I don't use the car's heater on the way. I'm slowly discovering how malleable the human body is.
When I moved back from Florida to Oregon, I was cold all the time for a year or so until my body finally re-acclimated to the local climate. As it's generally cooler during the night, if you're only ever outside at night, eventually your body begins to acclimate to that temperature range.
So it is that on the rare occasion I've had to be awake and outside during the day, I found it unbearably hot and bright, even for Summer. The night air has cooled my blood in a lasting way, and it would be such trouble to transition back that I wonder if I shouldn't just keep living like this.
There is a certain appeal to the mostly-empty streets. Driving is less stressful. I can jog without feeling self-conscious. At times, during the brief periods when I can see no trace of human activity in any direction around me, it feels like I am standing alone at the end of the world.
Perhaps I am? Time will tell. This nocturnal lifestyle has been making me ill recently though, and it hurts my productivity, hence the 50% reduction in my recent output. I can't let that continue much longer with SBD so low. But sleep cycle inversion and depression seem to come as a package deal.
I feel myself growing colder. Duller, indifferent. The bleak, grey feeling sets in. During these long nights, I think about Laura. I read an old post of hers from just a few months before her death where she talks about how she'd regained her will to live. It still seems impossible, what happened to her.
How can the universe permit something so horrible? How can reality allow it? She is gone, but I'm still here, languishing in this sunless purgatory. The disappearance of light and warmth from my life in more than one sense, somehow I survive and continue existing.
Damn me, for that. Something inside forces me to keep going long after I'd like to have stopped. It's a ride I can't get off, and "a book I am forced to continue reading" as she put it. I am in no danger from it though. I assumed she was like me, that hopelessness only reinforced her resolve.
I don't know what to do, so I just drive. The moon looming large above me, some podcast or another droning on just so that I have a human voice besides my own to listen to. The tired looking face at the drive-thru window is similarly refreshing, as direct face to face contact with other people is rare at this hour.
It is a lonely way to live, but I am a lonely man. I am surrounded by people who love me during the day, but that's a relatively recent development. Just a few hours after the sun goes down, everything goes back to the way it was five years ago. Just me, all alone in a cold, dark world with only the sound of my own breathing and heartbeat for company.
This is hell, surely? But then, why do I feel as if it's also home? There has never been such a natural fit for someone of my disposition. No matter how many accept me into their lives, fundamentally I still feel like I am on the outside of that world, looking in.
There is such safety and comfort in that conspiratorial feeling of existing in the world but not participating. Like a silent observer, documenting what you see but never becoming too involved. And when night falls, I feel as if I am backstage of the world, moving discreetly through its service access corridors to better perform my work.
Part of me longs for a return to sunshine, bright colors and happy faces. But within my heart, there is also a nameless conviction that none of those things were ever meant for me. That my part to play is the lonely ghost who moves from shadow to shadow, at once in the world and separate from it, with the moon as his only companion.
Stay Cozy
Just want to tell you it rained here yesterday, two days ago and we are expecting another round of rain today.
I wouldn't support loneliness though, it doesn't support any positive part of human life, start moving along with people, getting to know them each, make friends buddy, it's a free drug that cures loneliness.
You and I deserve to be happy.
Whato you think.
I thought I was the only one who loved to stay up at night time. I usually stay up to work on SAT related stuff (I'm a tutor) and other daytime work stuff. Even when I have nothing to do, I just walk around and listen to music. I think it's nice of you to give your followers an insight into your lifestyle. Nice article.
I too, miss Laura and her presence. Everytime I see my steam friends list and her offline status, it reminds me of what a genuine human being we lost.
She essentially stapled me to this platform.
Onto the nightowlness. I used to work a role that saw me do shifts 6pm-4am. I slept during the day, I woke up 5pm, and went to bed around 8am.
I had "cereal" for "lunch" (at 10pm, most nights), and it was bizzare. You really tend to become more in touch with those around you; and there's a certain shared madness due to those other legitimate night walkers.
They're roadworkers, nurses, or people who have had a single rough night. You'll come across those regulars, and some you'll never see again as their headlights blind you for a moment as they travel the opposite way.
I can appreciate that it is lonely out there. I can appreciate that times are tough at the moment.
At least you've got a fucking flamethrower, though.
If you need to rant to a stranger, I'll be here to read it.
That means a lot to me, man.
Greetings Alex, you know it's late nights I know a lot because like you, I like to work to achieve what I want in this case I know that you have tried hard to get the results you want and you will surely see it and if you want a council tries to rest for a few hours at least, I try to do it whenever I can but almost never achieve it I have to work hard to get my baby forward by myself and when I'm not at the computer I'm out working, here in my country It's very strong everything to tell you that buying a single package of diapers for my baby I have to work for at least a month you can imagine it does not reach me at all, so I really tell you not to take everything so much rests and relax, for what you write, I know that you do not have your family nearby but still you have to think about yourself, you are young, enjoy life.
Good luck and rest assured that you will succeed with good results.
Hahaha then believe me that I do that every day I put his cloth diapers and to sleep the disposable ones and I have already washed them so much that it does not disgust me and that I wash them by hand because I do not have a washing machine.
Prior to the invention of diapers, cloth swaddling was used. It is reusable as you can put it through the washing machine, though it is a bit gross and I would do that load separately from your clothing.
"But within my heart, there is also a nameless conviction that none of those things were ever meant for me" I feel you man. I have always been a night person. It is the only time of day I can get peace. Plus the days are super hot here. You are right about it getting lonely though. There aren't a ton of night people wondering around and id there are, it is too dark to see them lol.
@alexbeyman is very little about you but the best advice I can give you on my part is that you rest afternoons is the worst ends with your youth, it wears you physically and also mentally you can not think the same and in exchange for a few SBD not it's worth it Good thing you are changing your publication schedule, take care as you do not have close relatives to take care of you, the best thing is to think things through.
Let's encourage things improve, everything has its time and its results will be thanks to you.
I am right there with ya with the whole night lifestyle. But I think it is killing me.
I've been working nights for a while now. I usually go to bed at 4 or 5 am.
That takes a toll... especially when you have kids and other obligations.
You are right though. There is something nice about cruising around at night when there aren't a bunch of people around.
Well it's different here, it's mostly very hot, sweaty and very humid as well we are always to busy at day that sleep doesn't even allow us to be nocturnal, I think everyone deserves everything they want provided it's reasonable, and you do too.
Well, you're living a life diametrically opposed to mine at the moment. For the past several months I've been riding a train in rush hour to the city and walking through massive crowds of people. It's the first time I've had a job with regular 9 - 5 hours and it's actually quite pleasant, so long as I don't have to do the driving.
I'd say the night is a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there.
Cheer up buddy. Don't let your self get sucked into the vicious cycle of depression. You may yet live the steem dream. Beautiful piece by the way
Brilliant. You've distilled and captured the essence of nocturnal living.
It's an interesting perspective on the world, being outside, looking in.
In a long ago, far away chapter I too followed this strange schedule, working at night. I remember learning all the 24 hr places, and which ones had the least greasy food. Which had usable bathrooms, and where the coffee was almost - but not quite - unlike tar.
Chin up, and stay frosty.
"Good to you moods."
World to you, friend.
Its summer on top and it june the summer middle stages hot and brighter sun..but moon is here less fuller and in night time i enjoys it very well while walking after dinner.
Good post and very good informatin sharing thank you for this post, good life, good health
@alexbeyman
Wee I think that a human should enjoy every weather and season because we are human we never satisfied on a single thing:)
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@alexbeyman
I thought that i am the only man who love to stay up at night. but now i got an parthner. Will you become my friend ??