Listening deeply and properly is damned difficult for most of us. On the surface the concept of it seems simple enough. All listening requires of us is to be quiet and focus on the person doing the speaking. The sad truth is most of us have a false perception of how good we are at it.
The real problem trouble is how easy it is to “get into the weeds” when we’re communicating with others. While in a conversation our minds race and attention is fractured. We interrupt the person we’re conversing with to echo back similar/relatable stories, or we try to come up with solutions to solve their problem(s) for them. After all, we’re just trying to be empathetic and helpful…right?
In truth, when we’re doing all this stuff mentioned above we’re not really listening at all.
I’ve been stumbling around on this planet for over five decades and I feel like I’m just beginning to learn how to practice this vital art that binds us to our fellow humans. I realized I was way worse at listening than I thought and being an indie author didn’t help me at all. To be successful in this very tough profession, it’s necessary to shed your shell and relentlessly self-promote. This has helped me in many ways but, on the downside, it's caused me to develop horrible listening habits. For almost three decades I focused on selling almost everyone I met on my work. I was also raised to be a problem solver so, when it comes to listening, that’s another huge strike against me.
The stars somehow came into alignment this summer. My career has reached a point where I don’t need to focus as much on self-promotion anymore (Yay!). Since taking a step back, truly observing the world, and beginning to make a real attempt to listen deeply I’ve realized what a tragically ironic and lonely time it is we live in.
Since I’m not interjecting myself into conversations as much anymore I’ve begun to notice how rare it is that people give me even a small sliver of their full attention. Now, I’m not talking about “listening” while they glance at their phone notifications, check their weather app, or bang out a quick response to an email but the “full-on eye contact, doing nothing else” kind of listening. Sadly, I discovered it’s very rare. On occasion, when I notice someone’s mind is really “elsewhere” I simply stop talking and it can be astonishing how long it takes people to recognize the silence.
Being committed to learning this skill has been a process that’s required a lot of patience on my part, biting of the tongue, and shifting in my chair. Yesterday, while getting a haircut, I believe I had a breakthrough. I sat in the chair with my trap shut, saying very little, and just listened. You know what? It felt wonderful, it was a beautiful experience. As an added bonus it was far less stressful on my end to just sit there and take it all in instead of trying to think of those relatable stories or relay some “life changing” advice.
Feeling that you're "truly heard" is incredibly soothing and therapeutic. People pay hundreds of dollars to sit in a room with a licensed psychotherapist who, largely, just sits there and listens. But I never imagined how rewarding it can be to truly listen.
Gandhi said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” We all talk about how divisive and dysfunctional our world is right now.
What if the answer has been right there in front of us all along?
What if all it is we really need to do is listen?
Thanks for reading! All for now. Trust your instincts, invest in you, live boldly, and take chances.
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Poetry should move us, it should change us, it should glitch our brains, shift our moods to another frequency. Poetry should evoke feelings of melancholy, whimsy, it should remind us what it feels like to be in love, or cause us to think about something in a completely different way. I view poetry, and all art really, as a temporary and fragile bridge between our world and a more pure and refined one. This is a world we could bring into creation if enough of us believed in it. This book is ephemera, destined to end up forgotten, lingering on some dusty shelf or tucked away in a dark attic. Yet the words, they will live on in memory. I hope these words become a part of you, bubble up into your memory when you least expect them to and make you feel a little more alive.
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I agree with you that listening is a vital skill that we often take for granted. It's easy to get caught up in our own thoughts and ideas, and forget to really listen to what the other person is saying. But when we do take the time to listen, it can make a real difference in our relationships and our lives.
I'm glad you had a breakthrough experience with listening while getting your haircut. It's a great example of how listening can be both rewarding and therapeutic. When we feel truly heard, it can help us to feel understood, validated, and connected.
Thank you man!
Hello dear friend @ericvancewalton good day
What topic have you touched on, and what you say is very true, the vast majority of people do not know how to listen. I am convinced that I have this problem, and I must do what is necessary to not interrupt people when they speak, and improve my listening
It is good that you are learning to listen, and not speak while others speak. I appreciate that you let us know about this lived experience.
Have a beautiful afternoon
Thank you my friend. It seems like listening isn't a skill that comes naturally to many. I hope you've had a wonderful week!
This is a serious problem. As a teacher, I observe it in my students: they are always scattered. Many of them I have asked a question and it is as if I were speaking Chinese: What did you say, teacher, they ask me as if they were on the moon. They don't know how to listen. On the other hand, I am one of those who can listen to everything. If I'm on public transportation, it's not uncommon for me to find myself listening to some conversations. Also in the market, in a café. Sometimes, some friends call me to talk and they are the ones who always end up talking and I end up listening. Likewise, I usually listen to my students who always have something new to say. I was born nearsighted, so I have had to sharpen my other senses to be able to orient myself in the world. The ability to listen, even silence, is an experience that nourishes me a lot. In fact, many of the stories I write are products of that permanent attention. Here my family tells me: "What happens is that you are a tattler! I'd like to think that I'm curious. hahahaha. Have a great day, Eric.
I can only imagine how much of this you experience as a teacher. I bet it can get very frustrating. A tattler! Lol. It sounds like listening comes naturally to you in an extraordinary way. How old were you when you were diagnosed with nearsightedness?
I'm finding that listening is very nourishing. It takes a lot of energy to constantly try to be "liked" and solve everyone's problems, especially for people like me who were born introverts. Stepping back and listening deeply feels a little like a vacation. It'll be interesting to see the ways in which this changes my relationships with others over time. Thanks for your comment, Nancy, and have a wonderful weekend!
Welllll, a lot of people consider me a very good friend. Because i sit and listen to them, keep my eyes focussed about their ear, and feed their words back to them when they pause.
I have also found that these people do not know me at all.
And some care more about me listening to them than about me not being in pain. (they smoke)
You sound like a natural listener. Have you always been this way or was it a skill that you learned?
It's interesting sometimes when you become quiet and take a step back. The dynamics of relationships shift, or at least our perception of them. I used to be the person who was always reaching out first and I've also stopped doing this as much. Sadly, I learned quickly how one-sided a lot of my friendships were. A lot of humans are self-centered.
I think it was beaten into me by childhood trauma.
And then i have become very meditative.
I do not have a strong personality that i will defend
so, in a way, i am a natural listener.
I even have some "friends" who think they are doing me a favor dumping all of their day's happening on me.
I'm sorry to hear that. I'm not sure what generation you come from but there were still a lot of GenX'rs who were raised to be "seen and not heard" and to blindly respect authority figures. I'm astounded when I look back and realize how our childhoods had more in common with the 1950's than today's society.
It's good that you're a person who is meditative and reflects. We need more of this in the world.
Ugh, I bet that can feel burdensome sometimes. Good listeners often have people flocking to them, I guess because they're so rare? My mom is that way, a lot of people confide in her.
Listening is an art, a "vital art" as you rightfully stated. I often fall into the same "traps" you do, either my mind is racing back and forth or I provide solutions. Knowing when to shut up and listen is crucial. We always complain that we live in an attention deficit world, that people's minds are scattered all over the place and yet, we forget a fundamental aspect: the fact that listening is an act of respect.
I'm erring on the side of "quiet" at the moment just to see how it goes. I tell you, I know why monks take vows of silence because you notice/learn 10x more when you just listen. Respect. You hit the nail on the head with that word (as did Eliana in her comment). Listening is giving respect.
I have a feeling you would go nuts if you tried to talk to me. I blame it on my ADHD, but I don't think that is really all of it. I just suck at listening. I've always felt that I am so horrible at small talk that I need to be thinking of what to say next otherwise the conversation is going to die or it is going to look like I am not at all interested in what they have to say. It's a lot of work "peopling". I have to mentally prepare for social gatherings a lot of times.
I found myself in the same boat @bozz. I started out life as an introvert but had to become comfortable at being an extrovert and in doing so I lost some things of value. Thankfully, I'm discovering that listening is a skill that can be learned/re-learned.
I think part of my problem is I worry too much about what others will think of me. I make connections in my mind that others don't always see. In school I would blurt those things out. After being ridiculed for that, I probably withdrew into myself. Perhaps it is more about being comfortable being myself.
It would be great if you could overcome the feelings of past ridicule. It sounds like you were more of an extrovert as a child. I had the opposite problem. I was so worried about everything as a child. I'm surprised I didn't give myself a nervous breakdown.
:), yes, I was definitely a different person back then. Change is inevitable I guess.
Hear hear! I had to smile when I read about the shameless self promotion as an indie writer ( I can relate ). I also am aware that I can up my listening skills quite a bit. Let's see if I can listen more and better, starting tomorrow.
Cheers!
It's almost as if selling becomes a part of your autonomic nervous system. At first it seems unnatural and then after a few years it's a hard habit to break. Good luck in your practice. I'm actually enjoying it. Cheers!
It's a very bold and important aspect when we have a conversation with some other person. the person could be any, if we don't have the calibre to listen to others, the conversation wouldn't be fruitful. we need to hear the other side of the story as well, to understand the situation completely. thanks for this wonderful post @ericvancewalton
Thank you!
Listening is power, its also an amazing tool to learning and also for problem solving and most people lake the sense of listening.
Discover it amazing power and be patient to listen... I was so bad at listening, but now its my advantage
That's great!
I'm also a problem solver ...
I've taken multiple courses in active listening, but I always have to start a conversation by internally determining ... OK, is this person telling me something that I need to resolve, or is it just something they need to get off their chest?
My wife and I actually verbalize this to each other ... "Hold on, are you just venting? Or do you want me to help you resolve something?" It sounds cold, but it actually helps us listen better and in different ways.
I consider myself a reasonable listener, but there's always room for improvement.
It's wonderful that you've taken steps to become a better listener. It sounds like you and your wife have a system that works for you and that's all that matters. I like the idea of verbalizing to make sure you're on the same page. It can seem like we're speaking different languages at times.
Guilty as charged ...to an extent! Always wanting to help make the world a better place, I tend to butt in and offer advice. I became aware of it ever since losing my love, as I find people telling me they know how I feel! They weren't really listening!
So I now try and zip my lips, open my ears and really listen.
Hello my friend! I think we're all guilty of this to some extent. An interesting shift happens once you realize and make steps to change but it also has made me feel a tad lonelier as I've realized how few people are empathetic. I hope you've had a decent week. Is it cold there now?
Listening is difficult to do if we do not focus on the person who is speaking. Especially if we are having problems in our life. But at least we have to respect the person who is talking by trying to focus on the problem being discussed. Have a nice day Eric.
That is so true, Eliana! Respect is the key. It's disrespectful to not give someone your full attention when they're speaking. Thank you and enjoy your weekend!
Today has spoken on a very important topic that people are not at all willing to listen to anyone in today's age but this is totally wrong and it is a loss for them because man learns from things and A person can learn a lot from the words of other people. If a person is not doing it in this way, then a person will make many mistakes in his life and will regret it later, so it would be better. It is that those who are older than us and who have lived before us, that we can learn a lot by looking at their lives.
Thank you!
Most welcome dear.
Agree 100%. I think when you become quieter and just listen to the world, you start to hear and see things that you normally wouldn't. Sounds like it was a great haircut.
I actually got called out for not listening a few years ago on the phone for interrupting and it made me change the way I talk on the phone and when I'm around people in general. It takes a lot of honesty to be able to look at oneself and realise that we don't do things as well as we should/could, but takes even more conviction to change these habits, especially if they were formed over years of having to compete for eartime.
I was having a conversation with my friend Wayne about a week ago at a dinner and while we were speaking someone else at the table who was not part of the conversation previously jumped in and totally overtook it. It was quite interesting to observe and I just sat there, actively listening to her because I got the feeling that she doesn't get "heard" very much in day to day life. She seemed to really enjoy it and the conversation actually was enriched by what she had to say.
The haircut was just so-so but the experience made it well worth it! : ) In many ways I think being more self-aware is a sign of maturity and that doesn't always necessarily coincide with age. Isn't it wonderful to just sit back and observe/listen? I plan on doing much more of it from here on out! Thanks for your comment.
You are spot on, maturity is not an age thing. I've known people in their 70's that still acted like spoilt little brats 🤣
Observing the world quietly has taught me a lot and I know I still have more to learn. Enjoy the process and thanks for sparking some insightful thought through your post!
You're welcome! Enjoy the weekend Emma.
Reading through felt like looking in a mirror. It is with a heavy soul that I admit recognition in your words. To date, I have always felt that listening has been a strong suit, but realization now sets in. The trouble it seems, if recollection serves, is that pregnant pause that almost demands a response. Right then my tongue starts wagging in an effort to commiserate or yes, to relate my own experiences in some way.
Well would you look at that...I've done it again
Apparently I need work lol
Don't feel bad! I don't think any of us are perfect at listening. I think the good thing is recognizing what areas we need to work on then making an effort. I'm trying, in my own case, not to overthink as well. Communication can be very tricky.
Reading through this and I feel so bad, I suck at the listening thingy, I am always the talker, talking and talking and when I remember everything for a minute I always feel ashamed.
I will try to listen to other people and like you said being heard is soothing and therapeutic, I’d want people to feel that way after I listen to them.
Thank you so much dear Eric for sharing this as it made me reflect on my life.
You're welcome, thanks for the comment! Don't feel bad, most of us are bad at this. Everything begins to shift once we start working on it.
That's absolutely true dear friend.
The average attention span has been decimated by the constant spew of data from our dear phones. I cant say it is a good thing at all, but I must admit to being somewhat addicted myself.
You can say that again. Attention spans are like a fart in the wind, as they say, these days. : ) I fear I'm addicted too. They're just so convenient and that's how they hooked us. It takes a lot of will power sometimes to impose limits and boundaries when things seem to be getting out of hand.
Yes YOU are pointing a great topic. An understanding mind and listening ear could be a great comfort.
Thanks!
I think if the music doesn't tickle my ear, listening would be hard for me as well.
Sharing on twitter.
#hive #posh
The human energy system is such that it cannot receive new information as long as it has not been able to give emotional expression as a response to information that has already been taken in. The vast amount of emotional denial on Earth has led to the massive reduction in capacity for receptivity that is behind the majority of social problems that humans are living today. The only way to have real empathy (literally feeling the feelings of other people, not just mentally simulating them or imagining them) and truly reciprocal relationships, is to first understand the cause of the problems involved and to address it at that level. This means ending all forms of denial and finally getting real about how we feel - plus allowing the backlog to clear out of all the held charges going back a VERY long time.
Humanity definitely has a whole lot of repressed trauma that needs to be flushed out, a good portion of it is generational and locked into our DNA. Thank you for that perspective!
Yes, DNA to my understanding is itself only reflective of what are ultimately non physical layers of self. The emotional body is the holder of the imprints, memories, programs and patterns that make up everything that has manifest into form. On the one hand it is terrifying to learn just how much has been denied and how little humanity has been focusing into these areas. On the other hand, it is very empowering to realise how much potential we have. Unfortunately, though, time is running out.
I totally agree that we've just scratched the surface of our true potential. I feel like we're on the verge of a breakthrough in this area but we have a few hurdles yet to overcome and time is indeed growing short.