I missed... I missed being able to deceive myself by taking care of my non-existent hair.
I missed being able to be pure so much that I said goodbye to it while I was holding my own brother's hand while my youth, which I didn't try to chase after, was pure.
I miss people being able to fool me. Not seeing the truth and feeling sorry for it.
I miss the black hole inside me. A black hole that feels better than emptiness.
Most of all, I miss my father. My father who does not force me, supports my dreams, does not want me to cross my limits and adds happiness to my happiness...
I wished that my heart, which I could not fit in my two palms before, would beat with the same strength even when I was holding it with two fingers.
I miss the broken pieces of my heart, more importantly. While my purple chrysanthemum was shedding its leaves, I collected the leaves one by one, even though they cut my hands like glass. I forgot that my heart was in my hand. She also was cut by leaves one by one. She ripped off the pieces. It got smaller and smaller as it was cut. What I have left was neither enough for my loved ones nor for me. As it got smaller, the embroideries I carefully placed spilled over it. Every jewel that I colored with love fell into the black hole with leaves. Finally, the black hole has had enough. It had enough of the love that I needed to be satisfied with and left. It disappeared.
And considering all of the things I wrote here, how can I live in this place where even the black hole leaves me alone?
Özledim... Olmayan saçlarıma bakım yaparak kendimi kandırabilmeyi özledim.
Öyle özledim ki saf olmayı, peşinden koşmaya çabalamadığım gençliğim öz kardeşimin elinden tutarken ben ikisine de elveda dedim.
İnsanların beni kandırabilmesini özledim. Gerçekleri görememeyi ve buna üzülmeyi.
İçimdeki karadeliği özledim. Boşluktan daha iyi hissettiren karadeliği.
En çok da babamı özledim. Beni zorlamayan, hayallerime destek olan, sınırlarımı geçmemi istemeyen ve mutluluğuma mutluluk katan babamı...
Eskiden iki avucuma sığdıramadığım kalbimi iki parmağımla tutarken bile aynı güçte atmasını diledim.
Kalbimin kopan parçalarını özledim daha da önemlisi. Mor krizantemim yapraklarını dökerken bende yaprakları cam gibi elimi kesmesine rağmen topladım teker teker. Unuttum ki kalbim elimdeydi. Onu da kesti birer birer yapraklar. Kopardı parçaları. Kesildikçe küçüldü, ufaldı. Elimde kalan da ne bana yetti ne sevdiklerime. Küçüldükçe özenle yerleştirdiğim işlemeler döküldü üzerinden. Sevgimle renklendirdiğim her bir mücevher yapraklarla birlikte düştü karadeliğe. En sonunda doydu karadelik. Benim doymam gereken sevgiye doydu ve gitti. Yok oldu.
Bütün yazdıklarımı göz önünde bulundurursak, karadeliğin bile beni yalnız bıraktığı bu yerde ben nasıl yaşarım?
P.S. If you know English AND Turkish, I do that too... If you see a translation discrepancy that was on purpose. I did think this is as proper as I could do. Because there are many differences between these languages.
Not: Hem Türkçe hem de İngilizce biliyorsanız, ben de biliyorum... Eğer çeviri farklılığı görürseniz bunun bilinçli olduğunu bilin lütfen. Bunu yapabileceğim en uygun şekilde yaptığımı düşünüyorum. Çünkü bu iki dil arasında çok fazla fark var.
I read the post - and then i read some comments and i'm happy that youa re no longer in this place!!! so i'm glad i read that before i commented!
thank you @wesphilbin for sharing this beautiful post with me from this beautiful victorious soul!!! :)
like @snook - I will encourage you to explore this platform and find the place that resonates with you and feels like home - because there are lots of little communities that are just beautiful and comfortable and "home"
that last line of yours... about even the black hold leaving you alone... that was brutally desperate - and i'm sorry you ever felt that way. but so thankful that you've broken free of it!!! hope you are filled with all kinds of light now! hehehe
Hi! @dreemsteem
Thank you for your good will. I, happily, can say that this part of my life is gone but I did start a new part of it with Multiple Sclerosis about a year ago.
I don't know I entered that emptiness again or this is a new 'full of lights' place, but I know that each of it has its hard sides. Some have pointy sides some have pillows.
I hope I am in that 'pillow' side! LOL
You have come to the right place!
Hive is filled with wonderful people with big shoulders and to help others when the need is there.
5 years ago, I was so very lost, and today, I am home whenever I open Hive.
Welcome to Hive!! Be yourself. Look around. Find people you connect with. Slowly that black hole will be filled with light if you always remember to be yourself.
Is Hive a place of magic and dreams? I happen to think it is. There might have been a lot of hard work on my side, too, because I had never written before, but in the end, I would not trade all that work for anything.
I AM so sorry for the blackness..... I can not make that go away though I wish I could.
We are all here for our own reasons, but the byproduct of being here is the others you will meet. Trust me on this, please.
If you are on Discord Look me up and we can have a good long talk if you care to. (Snook#7605)
I am no one special but I am always willing to listen.
Great writing!!!
@snook
Thank you for your good will,
This one written so long ago, like 3 and a half year. I, hopefully, think that I'm not in that place anymore. Just wanted to remember bad things happened to me. Right now, I did it and thankful for what I have been through.
Ohhhhhhhhh That is wonderful to hear!!!
You should have plenty of RC credits to post and comment as much as you want now without running out.
My son, @Ecoinstant sent you RC credits and I delegated you 50 Hive.
Promise me if you need anything you let me know!!
If you did see I'm new bee. So I don't know what you did but I am sure you did a wonderful and helpful thing so thank you and your son so much.
You need Hive in order to make posts and comments. If you look into your wallet you do not have any..... but now you do :D
so the first 6 months every penny (hive) you make you want to power it up....... when you get your first payout in 7 days I can show you how to do that. You want to get to at least 500 Hive Power before taking anything out.
Not sure how much of that makes sense. If you have questions ask me or @Wesphilbin too.
@snook
Thank you again and again...
I'll be able to look into it in the morning (for me😂).
Night!! Europe?
What a moving piece of writing...
You know what, Beril... this makes me think that all of those things disappeared to leave enough space for something beautiful to enter and fill it. Sometimes we need to become empty so we can choose what to keep... and what to accept moving forward. 💕
An awakening (which is what this sounds like) is usually a pretty painful process :(
Did you do the drawing for this poem yourself? I LOVE it. It's incredibly evocative 💥
Thank you so much Nicky...
I totally agree with you at that point. Usually we have to clean things up before draw something again. And losing isn't always is a bad thing. It can show you wonderful things later.
Sadly no, I didn't draw this one. But I collect things like this one since I am able to use internet.
💓
You say things well! Especially in a second language
If I may suggest adding a link to the original source of images you find online etc?
This way you won't get into possible trouble from whoever they belong to for using them :)
There are posts on Hive about post formatting etc. Maybe worth searching for because I think you may want to stick around
You are going to fo well here, I think 👍🏼
Nice to "meet" you 😊
Hey Nick!
Thank you for your advice. @wesphilbin , @thekittygirl and @brittandjosie on Terminal discord helped me out!
And nice to 'meet' you Nick.
Ah... then you're in safe hands ❤️😊
Curious what you 'mother tongue' is? Also, pretty powerful emotion felt here. Feel free to express yourself, you cannot be silenced here and people will hear you.
Hello! @enginewitty
I am from Turkey. And I have an opinion that maybe I should add a Turkish version of all of my posts.
Thank you for your encouragement! I have a feeling that I'll be happy in here.
I think you should too, no reason not to! More than likely will find some others out there!
I'll add them tomorrow (for me oc😂)
Many people do post bi-lingually! Several ways to do that... ask at The Terminal if you like. @jamerussell can show you a cool way to make them side-by-side. Or, you can do what I do... or used to do. Just type
____which will give you this division.Like that above. Or you can find awesome "dividers" in our
#dividerschannel at The Terminal... Then just add which ever language first, then after the divider... add the other language. Then just add (Eng-Trk) to your title at the end!🙏 @wesphilbin
I'll edit my posts then...😂
I have no bloody clue how to put in words the thoughts I think or feelings. Maybe a mixture of both and the thinking is fighting the feeling. Only God knows which is winning.
I think you missed the greatness in the things you wrote. I missed = I found nothing to replace. Not everything needs to be replaced though.
There are many sides to history. In general the victor writes the truth they say. Many a truth has been written down and lost. At times even hidden burnt and the author slain. That is a global truth, not one of your ability to have had a choice in.
But alas.
The individual truth also has more than one side. Not counting the side of anyone of whom interactions might have taken place and bearing solely on the me. Even the truth of a me has many sides. Seeing some of those other sides can lift the spirit.
Ying Yang. I am sure you have heard on Ying Yang or is it Yin Yan. Opposites encircled and the core of each side holds the opposing colour. This is how people are. We are all skitzo. I would like to see the better side of your Skitz.
So, life begins and we live in the white. You could travel all over that white for a lifetime and never see any black.
This brings the hard part. The part of struggle. It is coming out the other side you find what was missed.
To take a phrase from Jordan B Peterson. You have to look deeper into the darkness to see the light.
I do not know you to have any opinion of you personally. If what I write upsets you, you have not read what I wrote. You would have read what you already think. Saying that.
If you ever need to see a different side. Holla. TheHive#4070 on discord or tag me.
Hi! @thehive
This part of my life came to me with back stabbing friends, a couple of 'filled with hate' parents and some cheating ex-lovers. But I believe that this part of my life is gone. Not all of them but most of them.
Yin Yan is the backbone of the life, in my opinion, and there is no life without it. And I think you cannot see any darknees nor any light without each of them. You have to have both of them so you can say 'This is darkness' or 'This is light'.
It is hard for me to think in English but Jordan B Peterson did say my thoughts in words and translated them.
Even don't think about it, we all have individual thoughts and have a right to say or write. I think I can say this part of my life was 3 and a half years ago and what I wrote was the pure version of it. I didn't want to change even a letter of it because of the respect I have for that me...
Beril
Hi! I found your post very moving and you have a way with expression. I can relate to parts of your story. I hope to see more of you here. Also part of the Terminal Discord server.
Life sends some real hard challenges and the ability to write has helped me adjust to many unexpected things it has sent my way, and still is sending.
Sending!LUV
Hi! Thank you for your opinion. I hope those parts you have mentioned don't give you too much pain in your life. I know the fact that pain can be helpful for our improvement but too much pain can cause our lives.
I hope you see yourself as a challenger 'cause we have to be in a way...
See you at Terminal dc!
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@hivebuzz,
Thanks for your support, as always. Just showing @bemier the possibilities here... as well as the true meaning of community!
Wow, two badges in a row, that's awesome @wesphilbin! 🎉
@hivebuzz,
I think she's found a home...
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Hi dear I see you met my collegue , you are in great hands and I saw you come in the terminal , we will help and hope we can help make the hive tourney a bright one
Thanks @wesphilbin for doing your magic
Hello, I hope that too. Even now, at the beginning, I can feel a warm, helpful aura.
Again and again (😂) thank you all!
Hold on to this vibe and enjoy the hive ride
Hello @bemier, welcome to Hive 😁
I read the comments here/ skimmed discord... I am glad that this older piece of writing isn't how you feel now, I was so relieved to read that ❤️! It is hard to fight loneliness and physical illness at the same time, you are in a great place to find understanding on that journey! Hive is a wonderful community, full of people who "get it" 💕
Hi! @grindan
Thank you for your thoughts... Yeah, mental AND physical illness at the same time is a wonderful combo 😂. Thanks to Terminal dc family I feel very welcomed and safe. I feel better now especially if we put these 2 me together and look at them. I AM the better one. And so proud of it...
What a great entry to Hive with a bang! I read your post, following Wes'es recomendation and I read and read and I think and really don't know what to say. There were many things I wanted to say, but with poetic posts like this one, sometimes it can be misinterpreted. So I read the comments instead to know more and I am happy to read that it is writing from 3 years ago.
The black hole... if it left you, it could mean you're fully healed, but I see you didn't mean it that way. The black hole I had in mind when reading this was the void that we all have and we try to fill it with various, unimportant things. It the hole is no more, there is just pure you and you can choose what to fill it with.
Anyway, I think I'm not making any sense today, so I'll just say - welcome to Hive. It's the beginning of a beautiful journey and I see you already found your way into The Terminal, so you're in the best hands. Have fun and see you around 💙
!ALIVE
!LUV
Hello! @fantagira
Thank you for your support. For that time of period, when the black hole is gone, there were emptiness and I couldn't fill that void with anything. But I believe I am fine now. I have a loving family, a lovely boyfriend and many close friends.
I'm going to stick around for now. See you again. Take care!!
I’m very happy to hear this 💙
@bemier! You Are Alive so I just staked 0.1 $ALIVE to your account on behalf of @fantagira. (4/10)
The tip has been paid for by the We Are Alive Tribe through the earnings on @alive.chat, feel free to swing by our daily chat any time you want.
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