We all set out to have a good life and I don't think anyone plans otherwise yet, we are always at the mercy of the randomness that existence brings. There are always a range of forces at play that we can do nothing about, that will apply their pressure upon us and we have no control over them.
For most of us, the feeling of loss of control generates a fear, like the fear raised at the thought of getting old and losing physical and mental faculties. Having more than instincts to guide us means that we are able to think about that potential future, compare it to the past and predict what could be coming to call.
We imagine that we are relatively good at predicting what our future holds but in actual fact, the slightest event can set off a chain-reaction that renders our predictions obsolete. These force us to consider what went wrong and how we ended up at this point.
Several times in my life I have sat thinking to myself, is this actually happening or is it a dream from which I will awaken? Each time I consider and realise that whichever it is, I have no control over it and must play it as I see it, I must push on. For if it is a dream, I will one day wake and can then live in reality, but if it is reality, waiting to awaken is an illusion and it will cost me dearly to stand still.
The times I have felt this way have been among the most troubling in my life, the times when I am so deep in a hole, I no longer see any light above me. In this place, all sense of control is gone except for one. Creativity.
There are options still and I have to think through the right combinations that will lead me to the next set, and then the next. I have to sit in the dark and run simulations, develop more, push boundaries. I must imagine life again, my life again. In that space, I can no longer be the me I think I am, I must be a different me that has the ability to cope and to climb.
It was usually at this point in the past that I would choose avoidance instead, take my mind off the troubles I face and say, there is nothing I can do. I would bury my head deeper and sink my mind into a beautiful illusion.
There are many ways to avoid the issues at hand, good company, a fun game, a strong drink and often, a combination of all. There are so many ways to be spirited away to a place where troubles do not exist, but no matter how much one tries and how much one swaps from one to the next, that life cannot last. Eventually what is being run from, closes the ground and catches up.
I set out for a good life but is it my past avoidances that have limited my possibilities? Was it the thousands of hours spent gaming or watching television shows? Was I consuming because I truly enjoyed or was I doing it because I feared facing reality? Perhaps, my investments were unbalanced.
We likely all need time spent doing what is fun, easy, mindless but if there is too much investment there, we are not taking care of life's other requirements. It is impossible to only be in enjoyment, to only do what is imagined as fun as to do so, means to halt life at a low level as the fences to greater and deeper take effort to climb.
Re-imagine life a moment, think about what it takes to have the space to enjoy without the fear of being caught. To do so, one must constantly remove those that hunt us, whatever that may be for each. It takes work, takes guile, development, discomfort and understanding.
Instead of running as prey, we could become the predator that hunts our demons, shines a light in their eyes and takes away their power until we no longer have anything to fear, nothing left to avoid.
Personally, I am tired of running and I am trying my best to turn around and face what chases me and once I remove one, I will look for the next to hunt. I have a new game to play and perhaps if I put the same investment I previously put into avoidance, I will be able to meet the challenges as they arrive.
But, it is an endless game for as said, life is random and there are always more problems to face, more unexpected discoveries and breakages around the corner. But with each move, it becomes easier to breathe and the hole becomes shallower and perhaps if I squint I can see a speck of light. Is it reality, or another illusion, there is only one way to find out.
Taraz
[ a Steemit original ]
"I can no longer be the me I think I am". That's interesting because when I think of that kind of realization, it is like suddenly finding myself caught up in something; some activity or involvement that starkly contrasted my routine, and which I had previously found it difficult to identify with on a "feeling" level. The paralysis may have been adjusting it's grip when I took what appeared to be spontaneous action. Bold because I slipped past the door before giving it much thought at all, so it seemed. But at some point maybe over time, that creativity had been working out how I'd manage the various other areas of my life in given situations, so feasibility had to some extent, already been factored in. It's a theory, an observation or a little of both. Either way, you prompted some self examination and awareness, so thanks.
I think when we choose not to avoid and distract our minds, our patterns are more often interrupted and we get a glimpse of something we are not sure about and our curiosity can start to excavate a little further. I have a sense that there is a type of world running through me that I am largely ignorant of but gaining access gives me the resources with which to face anything, at least psychologically and emotionally. Sometimes I feel it is just out of reach, sometimes I feel it was never there at all.
The reality is that we are helpless about what happens to us, Anything can happen. All it takes is one sick day and that's it. Sometimes believe we can change the way we greet what happens to if we are not to ill to do so.
That's the scary part. You can work 10 years to build something and in just one day all you worked for can crumble.
This is a very good point and we never really know how precarious our position until that straw lands on the camel's back.
You can't imagine how this post touches my heart at this very moment... I don't even have words to elaborate more, I think like you said it all... I'm scrolling back to answer to something, to say something different, but ...'nuff said. :/