A few months ago, I wrote about going back to therapy after a few years of not being medicated after I got diagnosed with PTSD back in 2016. All those years, I just kind of learned how to deal with the problems using the things the therapist had taught me. Then 2 years ago I had a really long burnout from having a lot of changes in my life and all that stuff. I decided to go to therapy to get help with finally getting out of that burnout because it is affecting my life real hard to the point of me not really being able to do simple tasks anymore.
1st month of therapy
On the first day of therapy, it was really great. It was a very huge relief for me to finally start talking about things that bother me. It was a validating experience. I just burst out in tears the moment I went in lol.
For the therapist to know how to help me, she was asking me what happened during the start of burnout. Was there bad stuff that happened, what triggered it, was there failure, etc etc. I really didn't know what to say... since I had none. In fact I was actually successful and I was slowly getting recognition and exhibits and more. I was able to move out and live on my own because my parents' house was one of the stressors.
We talked about my childhood and how I got my PTSD and so I was also able to tell her that the thing that keeps on circling back and forth in my mind was how my parents neglected us as children. I told her that I recently confronted my parents about it and they were in denial, gaslighting me, even my dad lashed out on me and told me hurtful things that I didn't even know where it came from.. despite me just telling them I felt disrespected with what they did and stuff like that.
After that, she made me write some emotions that I feel in my therapy notebook that she gave me so we'll be able to tackle and acknowledge each and sort of break down where to begin.
On the second session, we discussed those emotions and she gave me some techniques on what to think when those thoughts come again. I get triggered a lot during those times because the confrontation with my parents were fresh and I didn't really get a proper apology from them. She told me I would need to continue writing those emotions.
It felt a bit... slow actually. I thought even before coming in to the session for the first time I should have been given a test for them to know whatever it is that I'm currently feeling. Like those questionnaires where you answer agree or disagree to each question so they would be able to find out whatever potential disorders I may have. In my previous therapy (which wasn't in the same clinic by the way), they had me do that test after one session and we were able to discuss those the next session.
It was a bit slow but okay maybe she just doesn't want to overload me with information and stuff but I was also thinking that this is actually the best time to give me all those information and we do like an intense program since I told her I'm not doing anything lol.
Anyway, the third session came. At this point, it was by the end of December. The past sessions we were just talking about my past experiences in childhood. It felt we were moving too slowly and moving in circles with what we were talking about. She finally told me she will give me a test to know better.
The psychological assessment
These tests are going to be their base to form a treatment plan for me. It will be easier for them to diagnose someone with these tests. The tests were done online... which sounds very convenient but of course they have some cons which I will talk about later on.
They sent me an email containing the link to the website they have so I can take the tests. The tests I took were 8 in total and they were probably 100-200 questions each.
When I was done with the first test, I wanted to write a note at the end.. for whatever reason lol. But it won't let me and it would just refresh and nothing would happen so I just moved on.
When I was on the second test, it started lagging. The website would load so slow so in one of the questions that I tried refreshing it and when it did, it just wants me to log in again. When I did, it won't let me do that test anymore. It was buggy. I told them what my concern was and it took them about 3 days to fix it. While waiting for that, I took the other tests.
The other tests also were kinda buggy. There were times it would load slow (or stopped loading) and it made me skip 2-4 questions per test and there was no way for me to go back to the previous question. I don't know what the f happened to those skipped questions I wasn't able to answer. Maybe it filled an answer on its own, who knows.
Adult Attention Deficit test
One of the tests include this which the title suggests is to find out if there were problems with my attention, focus, impulsivity. This isn't for diagnosis, but rather to find out what to do next since there is no one way to diagnose ADHD.
Anyway, I already had an idea about ADHD since I like psychology and stuff but I didn't really dig deep in that subject. While taking the test, I was almost agreeing to everything... That's when I realized that I may have ADHD...
I started doing my research and apparently it shows differently in females which is why it is often missed. Those things resonated me and so I contacted the clinic immediately.
I asked them if they can do assessment/diagnose ADHD as well and they said yes. My next session was in 3 weeks at that time but I asked them if I can get an earlier date to discuss about ADHD and luckily they have a vacant slot.
I also wrote around 6 pages of ADHD symptoms and how they relate to me. These were all from childhood to adult years. I wrote them in my therapy notebook.
IQ test
When I came to the clinic, the psychologist told me they found inattentiveness in the initial assessment (one of ADHD types) and asked me if I want to do tests during the session. I said yes and we did a Stanford-Binet Intelligence test. She said it will measure cognitive abilities, working memory, etc.. I was already wondering why this would be the test because I know there is no correlation between ADHD and IQ but I still did it because I want to find out my IQ for a long time hahah.
I did my best to focus on the test because, well, I want a high score. XDDDD
The tests were quite interesting. The psychologist and I were facing each other while she flipped some cards and stuff. There were parts of the tests that were really difficult for me especially the ones with blocks that you have to rearrange to look like the image she shows. There were memory tests too which I thought I sucked at lol.
Although I did my best, there were still times I was zoning out quite a lot...
That test was divided into two parts which was non verbal and verbal. We finished the first part and then she said I can continue the next part on the next session which was 3 weeks after. I didn't really understand why the fuck it would take so long for the next test when it can be done the next day or her next earliest schedule. But I waited anyway...
I also gave her my therapy notebook which contains what I wrote.
During the 3 weeks wait, I was just hyperfocusing on ADHD. There was literally nothing else in my mind other than learning about ADHD and autism. I wasn't interested in anything else, just those... it was almost like a torture for me just waiting there because this is a puzzle that I want to solve and it feels like I'm really close to solving my lifelong problem.
The verbal test came and well of course as I expected I didn't nail it. I'm very bad at anything verbal.
IQ test was done and I was told the result will be in 4-6 weeks because they were gonna write a detailed report for the tests...
Another 6 weeks????? Jesus.
Waiting for the results
Waiting was really hard for me. Everyday I wake up and hope for their text that it is already available. I mean of course I understand that there is a timeframe but a month and a half seems to be too long.
During this timeframe, I was getting into new hobbies like plants and I also went back to Muay thai to get my head off of that subject for a while although it didn't really work. I was so close to the answer.
Results
The day finally arrived that I can get the results and I'm very excited especially for the IQ results hahaha.
And so I was told
"We don't think you have ADHD because your working memory is superior".
I was shookt because I know the way to diagnose ADHD is NOT through IQ tests. Literally not even in DSM-5 says that.
We don't rely on self-reports anymore because you know, some people are easily distracted nowadays because of other conditions as well and because of social media like TikTok they think they might have it just because of all the information out there.
Wait what?? I know there is no one way to diagnose ADHD at the moment but most of them are actually self-reports. The symptoms can also be from other conditions like bipolar disorder, depression, etc. so it is very important to know if these symptoms were present during childhood... which is why I wrote those damn symptoms in the notebook.
Your working memory is 121 which is superior. If you have ADHD, this wouldn't be this good because ADHD affects working memory.
Which I am very much aware of but IQ test results just mean you were good at taking the test or during the test. I did my best during that test but doesn't mean my memory in general is good because it is pretty much shit in normal days.
She then told me my Visual-Spatial processing was also superior (122) and Non verbal IQ was high average (118) which means I have good pattern recognition which I highly agree with.
The verbal IQ of course was very low (102) hahaha which I also highly agree with. That makes my overall IQ down to 108. lol
They disregarded the ADHD even though there was literally a high score in ADHD just because I got high working memory IQ...
Anyway, back to the initial tests from the beginning.. She began asking me about some behaviors like if I was competitive, low self esteem, etc etc.. She wanted to confirm/clarify to me those certain behaviors. I disagreed with a lot of things but it seems she was really trying to insist those on me.
She kept on saying:
But this is what you answered in the test...
Uhmm, yeah, I don't know? I don't remember how I answered it and I didn't wanna tell her that there were a lot of bugs during the test since I assume she already knew and also because I didn't want to sound defensive. There were a couple of points that I just agreed with or said maybe so we can move on.
She really wanted to stick to the test and didn't ask me how I answered it.
In the end she told me I have Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD) and I didn't know anything about that at that time so I was just letting her explain the disorder. Still, I disagreed on some behaviors (like I'm not like that) and she said I go look up about the disorder and read about them and on the next session we can discuss this further if the disorder applies to me or not.
I asked:
But what about my sleep? I have sleep problems and even restless leg syndrome from time to time. How is that explained by OCPD?
She just told me I need to fix my sleep schedule and that I go to a doctor so I can get pills to help me sleep and maybe those symptoms will disappear.
At this point I already have loss of words...
Obviously I told her about my sleep problems because despite having a fixed schedule, I really have problems with sleep since I was a kid and they are just worsening now to the point I started thinking I may have narcolepsy!!!
She also said
This is just our finding and other doctors might have a different opinion. Of course you will go get a second opinion because that's what OCPD does, you are already fixated on having ADHD that you will insist it.
Bro what??? At that point I know I will never win with this therapist. She all of a sudden became VERY insistent and sure about her findings without even listening to me anymore.
She also said
You can also organize. People with ADHD don't write like that.
I said no I can't organize. I'm very messy and disorganized... and she looked at me with a judgmental face while looking at my notebook that looks very organized with my pretty handwriting. Like, she knows my current obsession was journaling (and that interest is gone now btw) and it was such a bad stereotype that people with ADHD have bad handwriting.
I asked
But what about autism????
I asked that because ADHD and autism have a big correlation according to recent studies which of course I also wrote about in my therapy notebook.
She just straight up said
No, you don't have autism. :) People with autism don't look like that.
Look like what? Okay at this point I was already leaving because the session was done but it was taking me awhile to process what she said. It took me a while to process it and while waiting for our food I began thinking how judgmental that last line was. So she only knows about the stereotypes about ADHD and autism? Do you have to look autism to be diagnosed? What does that even look like??? Does she know anything about masking?
OCPD
I looked into what OCPD is and bruh, it's literally not like me. A few may manifest like that sure but most of the behaviors don't apply to me. I even asked my friends and they disagree as well. It was pretty much opposite to what I am lol.
I also got the digital copy of the results and it literally says there that there were inconsistencies with the results (like sometimes I would say I am irrational but in other tests it would say I am rational and work well with other people) and it needs to be clarified to me how I answered the test because I may have answered it non-purposefully that's why the deviant answers. Which the therapist didn't clarify to me.
TLDR
I stopped going back to therapy because I felt judged, invalidated, not being heard anymore. I felt there was no point going there anymore because the therapist will just insist on behaviors that I clearly disagree on and was being very pedantic on the test results that were very inconsistent to begin with.
I don't even know now if they're just inexperienced ones or just being all business but there were a couple of red flags I saw in that clinic. I was just ignoring those red flags because I see good in people and because there was no reason for me to get suspicious because I got a good experience in my previous therapy.
I also don't know if she even looked at the symptoms I wrote in my notebook because if she did then she would know that these were already present in my childhood. Okay I may have just wrote that for NOTHING.
Why didn't I just go back to the therapist I had in 2016? I don't know. Haha. It was quite far but also because I feel kinda ashamed that I needed to go back there. The therapist there was really great though, really really kind. I should've just went back there instead.
So what now?
I went to a psychiatrist after that and I got diagnosed with ADHD. My current doctor is very kind, patient, validates me, and agrees with me. On the first session she immediately assessed me and told me she thinks I have ADHD.
That's gonna be in another post though and I am already really happy I found this doctor and I'm taking medication for it which worked really great as well.
If you're able to read all of the post, or even just half or whatever, thank you for reading.
I know it's really long but I just wanted to put it all in there.
Til next time!
Wow, Vyankka, what an unpleasant process.
It's not easy to feel unheard, especially by specialists whose work is essentially to listen to you carefully to contribute to any diagnosis. And I believe the word "contribute" is key, considering how inaccurate tests can be, especially as you mentioned, "working hard" during the test, which alone could affect the results.
I'm sorry that your parents closed themselves off to what you were saying. Sometimes people can feel threatened or attacked in situations like that and react defensively. Ideally, they would open up and understand that it's not an attack or perhaps not even a complaint, but rather a person who needs to express themselves and two people who need to listen. Time might help your parents understand the situation.
A few years ago, while I was in therapy, I also went through the process of feeling the need to confront my mother and say things that were necessary. The process was painful because she said things that hurt me. But over time, I understood that her generation, and also the circumstances in which she grew up, didn't give her the emotional tools to deal with the situations we were going through now, and that she was basically doing the best she could with what she had (emotionally speaking). This led me to be more compassionate with her but also with myself because I'm sure that my emotional processes and the tools I have now as a mother are more fragile than the ones my daughters will have when they are older.
I'm glad you found a professional you feel comfortable with, and I hope they help you in all the necessary processes to finally feel like you're living your life the way you want and need to live it.
BTW, I just found out about Restless Legs Syndrome, and then I thought, "Oh, that's the name of it!
I got angry on your behalf just reading this.. :D I am usually slow to anger, but not when it comes to doctors invalidating and not listening to the patient.
This kind of attitude is actually the exact reason why I'm not even trying to get (most probably) AuDHD diagnosis, because I already know that I'm just going to be invalidated every step of the way and besides, having an official diagnosis is not going to help me anyway.
I just have to keep going and figuring out on my own, what works and what doesn't. The only tricky part is, yes, I don't really feel my limits properly, so I can end up white-knuckling through years of burnout and not even realise.
The curious thing about masking that I just realised recently.. we were talking with mom about pain, and, you know how doctors ask you to rate pain on a scale from 1-10 and I said I can never answer to that because what even counts as pain..? And then I thought about it some more (being in pain at that moment), and I realised my scale.. 0-5 I straight up ignore, anything 5 and below does not count as pain to me. At six I might fail to ignore the pain, but not yet start to mask it, so I can come off as short-tempered, antisocial or mean, but I'm not likely to tell anyone that that is because I'm actually in pain (unless it's family, I've now started to matter of factly admit), At 7-8 that is when I actively mask the fact that I'm in pain. At 9 I'll start laughing and cracking jokes as a coping mechanism for failing to mask (this is where people usually say - "well it can't be that bad if you're laughing and joking", and this is how I've mastered getting doctors to let me out of hospitals sooner, works like a charm). At 10, if possible, I'll lay down and 'meditate on pain', answering in a robotic emotionless tone if prompted with questions.
A bit off-topic, but thinking about masking, this illustrated to me how I mask, because that was one of the things I couldn't quite get my mind around about what constituted as masking even and how would I know if I've done it all my life.. That is still an active question I have, but now at least I have an example that I can refer back to.
For sleeping.. have you tried weighted blankets?
~Josie~
That was one hell of a journey Hiddi. Glad that at the end you are able find a psychiatrist that worked out well with you.
At times, maswerte talaga if maka swak mo yung healthcare provider mo onset. Some people are sharing their stories online on how instead of getting help from their psychometrician they feel invalidated and ignored thus making the trauma deeper.
Autism is a spectrum naman, some may fit to the category some will not and a lot of factors plays in. Not because you do not look like one, doesn't mean that you are not same as to depression din.
It's very hard to find someone who can diagnose ADHD properly nowadays because there are a lot of things one can miss when they're diagnosing. The fact that most of us just learn how to mask because since childhood we were always scolded for doing this and that. Especially more so for women since society also tells us that women should behave and act “lady like” and any bad behaviors are just because you’re stubborn and not because “something might be wrong we need to have you checked”. For a non specialist, that is so easy to miss. Heck I didn’t even know that myself lol.
That is really true. My first therapist was recommended by the psychiatrists and so maybe they have partnered or know the practices of the clinic hence it was a great experience. This new clinic feels like their stuff is outdated.. and I only found out about it on the internet and from reviews. 😓 So it’s really not easy to find help that suits you best. I’m bummed that people who invalidate exists but I guess that’s just how it is.. they are still humans after all.
Yeah I think she forgot that there are three levels of autism. Her statement was really judgmental and insulting to autistic people as well.
Thank you TP😊
I can relate myself to you dear. Currently, I am dealing with PTSD and depression and having long EMDR sessions. I don't know when things gonna be better, or all will be okay but I can say I am doing much better than before. My symptoms started in 2023 and I also had a burnout situation at work. I am glad you are doing better now and got the necessary help and treatment...Take care...
EMDR is nice and I'm glad to know you're getting the help you need and it's working well for you. <3 thank you for your kind words
Thank you...
It was a long one @hiddenblade but really worth the read. I've been diagnosed with one of those mental illnesses, too. Worst part was not getting enough sleep even if you want to 😭 I stopped my medication 3 years ago and although at times it's still crazy, it's been manageable.
I hope you get better with the help of your new doctor. Healing is a journey. I hope you get all the professional help you need and of course, love and support from the people surrounding you. It'll make a big difference. Through it all, remember you are not alone. 🥰♥️
Nice to hear that you have found ways to manage it.. yeah having sleep disorders is one of the worst feelings ever.. sleep is the only way for us to kinda forget about hard life for a while and yet we can't even do it right haha.
Thank you. Same goes to you as well❤️
If the doctor I go to for my psychology doesn't listen to me, what is he doing there? I'm so sorry, Hiddenblade. Actually it would have been better to go back to your previous doctor if he managed to make you feel better. I know it's a bit strange, going back to the same doctor for the same problem, but that's their job and if they took care of you before, I think they will take care of you again.
Good luck with your current doctor and meditation! I hope everything goes well for you.
Haha yes. It just feels like we were just talking there and I wasn't getting a treatment plan for so long.. the cost wasn't even cheap!!
I should go back to the previous one if I feel the need to. Right now, just getting diagnosed is so much easier with life and made me a lot better even. I have more motivation now than before and sometimes I don't even need the medicine.
Thank you!
You are welcome! My best wishes to you :)
You have done the best for yourself. I hope and pray you can enjoy your life well and happily. The right decision is in your hands. Cheer up.👍
👍 !PGM
I hate that some therapists are just plain BS. Everything the first one was saying was so wrong, wow. I'm glad you got diagnosed. Also yes ADHD in woman is a LOT different from man.
Yeah it seems her knowledge of ADHD and autism is very outdated.. or maybe just not a good therapist in general.
eckhart tolle help me a lot
Ahh I have seen one of his books before and considered buying too but never really got to it. Glad to hear it is helping you!
Isn't that above verage, if it's an IQ-based score? cuz 100 = average. Hardly 'very low' lol
Honestly your experience sounds like my experience with hairdressers. My whole life I'd go to one, then never return after a dissatisfying result. Round and around i'd go trying to find the one 'local' i'd return to. Never did because they just couldn't get that all I wanted was the same thing I have now (a messy mop) just a bit shorter.
So eventually I stopped going entirely and I've been cutting my own hair for, what, 8 years + now? I think there's some kind of metaphor in there somewhere.
My sister has been searching for her diagnosis in England for about that much time, 8 years or so. She's been frequently misdiagnosed, files randomly lost by doctors, referred to this person, then that person, then circulated round to the first person, lost files again, year after year after year.
First it was Bipolar, then OCD, then ADHD, Then a cocktail of the lot, then borderline personality disorder, back to the other ones, the latest is autism, which I'm not convinced about as she went private and I think they just affirmed a self-assessed claim that she think she's autistic, but doesn't seem to match in my opinion.
What do I know, you say? Well, apparently more than the fckin 'doctors'!
I could talk for hours about this stuff given her experiences and my mum's who also has PTSD among other things. I'm actually the only 'normal' one in the family. Not that I don't have my own private issues I never let out, but I at least function in society in a way that most people consider me normal, albeit antisocial.
Here in China is even worse. They don't even believe in things like mental illness. Hell, they barely understand physical issues. My wife's eczema specialist demonstrated little more than 'I don't actually know what exzema is but I need this job'.
God, this world. I'll stick to Google and Reddit lol.
Edit: I suppose to defend the docs, like you say here, it is pretty damn hard to objectively diagnose these things without reasonable doubt, when there's so much overlap, bias, updated definitions, and so forth. For me, I know there's some stuff going on with me from a life brought up in a completely broken family, but as long as I can function, I'll deal with it myself, it's just too nuanced and complicated that I know no answer will satisfy me, whether they affirm or deny one way or the other.
Nono, I just meant very low compared to my non verbal scores. But it is indeed average in general.
Heeey same with hairdressers!! I think the last time I went to cut my hair too was when I went to a salon to color my hair so I had them trim it at the same time. For most part it's just me cutting my hair since the unever parts aren't noticeable anyway haha.
I can understand that, there's not much foreigners in China so maybe they stick to the common styles they know?
For a country like England, I thought they would have better ways to diagnose mental illnesses compared to my country so that sucks.. I learned that autistic and people with ADHD are often diagnosed with personality disorders. If there were other tests like a brain scan that could diagnose it it would have been better haha.
It’s good to know you are ‘normal’ as having this “disorder” is so hard to cope with in today’s society. I do find it as a strength in some ways but overall it’s not easy.
England... I dunno, my experience is that it's far, far worse than much poorer countries. People are pulling their own teeth out because they either can't afford it, or there's literally no dentists for 100km and 80% aren't taking new customers anymore. You can wait 12 months+ for serious issues, and unknown numbers have died waiting, for service.
So what's the point in having good quality care when it's not available to even use? Needless to say, mental health is bottom of the barrel in terms of priority.
People have accused (?) me of having depression over the years, and I don't hide the fact that I'm monstrously insecure, but I don't like to box that into a disorder as I could probably fix it myself if I wanted lol.
Being surrounded by basically all friends and family with everything from bipolar and PTSD, to schizophrenia and manic psychotic episodes, it certainly doesn't *feel *'normal'! But regarding strengths, I do think it makes for far more interesting - and caring - people.
hala karon pako kabasa, grabe diay kaayo imong naagian with this theraphist noh. wonder if she’s really able to make sound judgments with her patients kay murag she keeps on insisting jud ay.
glad you’re able to find a better one!
She's very sure najud without even asking me or maski on the confirmation level iya jud iinsist na tama ang naa sa test result haha. Like girl test lang yan, I might have answered it in a stupid way or wasn't paying attention or nagka bug inyo results pero wala jud ko kabalo naunsa sad to haha. Jump to conclusions jud sya kaayo..