Greetings Steemian's,
Let's have a chat about PTSD. I'm going to discuss just how debilitating and awful this condition can be.
First, what is PTSD?
- Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
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To break it down for anyone who might not understand the premise of the words. It's generally classified as extreme stress that is caused/influenced from previous traumatic events, and comes with a set of symptoms.
Oftentimes, a person with PTSD, encumbers other mental health issues as well, which is my story, but we are going to keep it on the PTSD.
Before I discuss how I was triggered last night, and how I reacted to this, I will give a very brief history of my condition. I should probably state now, some might find this a little disturbing. So if there is any inclination that envisioning futuremind in a triggered state might upset you, just do yourself the favor of closing this right now.
I am a victim of child abuse, and a Veteran who served honorably, in the United States Marine Corps.
The types of abuse that I sustained as a child (that I know of), were regular close fist beating, drowning, food gorging, forced literature in very high amounts, (punished if not remembered), threats of death, biting, sleep deprivation, beating during sound sleep. Also, I witnessed these things being done to my 5 younger siblings, mother, and her sister, (who was being raped by the abuser) (my father), for 14 years. The rape started in young teens, and no one knew about it. She lived with us.
The dynamics and implications of such a childhood, lead to issues in adulthood, that are terrifying and debilitating.
Around the age of 16, I had made a decision. I was going to leave and join the Marines (Same branch my Dad was in) or, I was going to murder my father. I had studied his sleep patterns for about two years by the age of 16, and had a very good perception of how he slept, so the plan was a knife to the throat, and it would have been very easy to carry out. I expressed to my mother, this was a definitive, unless I leave. She knew I was dead serious and told me to join the Corps. So that is what I did.
The Marines likely exacerbated my symptoms, but I don't really see it. I see a very damaged child, who became trained as a very efficient killer with specialized training.
Great job on screening your applicants for service Uncle Sam!
After the service, I suffered from serious addiction issues to alcohol and cocaine, emcumbered legal issues, did prison time, and know full well this definitely exacerbated my PTSD symptoms.
I think this outlines things well enough. Let me now tell you a story of what happened in my residence, and how I handled it. This happened, last night..
While having a bout of insomnia, I had been up 24 hours at this moment, and at random heard extreme screaming and violence downstairs. (I live in a multi- residence)
The screaming was over a lighter. I knew instantly what this meant, being a former crack smoker..
It sounded to me, as if a woman was screaming for her life. My instincts kicked in, I grabbed my butcher knife, and opened my door...
In that moment, I knew I needed to rethink....
I opted to call the police instead and clearly outlined the residence, what was happening, a brief history of myself, and how volatile this was likely to get if they didn't get here quickly.
I was in a state of panic, and literally screaming at the cops, because it was also clear that they did not understand the gravity of this. I saw myself in the mirror and thought "I look like I'm on cocaine". It was very rough, and this was only the start of symptoms, unfortunately.
I called the cops back, said I needed pictures, names, police report, an outline of what happened, current threat level. (They clearly believed I was on drugs and were dismissive).
After speaking with a couple rookies, they did their dismissive job very well and told me to have a good night.
Oh no.... Futuremind isn't have this....
Time to prepare for BATTLE!
(The reason I'm good at predicting things, is my ability to think of hundreds of variables in the forefront of my thoughts, this doesn't include sub-conscious. I had to do this as a child to survive.)
So, I started bugging out bad and screaming obscenities to my neighbor's downstairs in a very threatening manner.
I'm quite sure they are terrified at this point, and as I speak, death metal is being blasted louder than it's ever been in my residence. My demon has returned..
I digress...
The night ended in with me in a central location of the house, naked with a butcher knife for each hand.
What can I say? I'm terrified someone will break in my house and try to hurt me, and I did not provoke this!!!!!
I feel like a prisoner in my new home currently, and I'm not really sure how to deal with it. I have duties and responsibilities with no time for such obsessive fear based thinking.
Perhaps this is one of the most fucked up articles I've ever written, but it's important to be aware of your surroundings, and how you may affect others, because you never know if someone will become terrified and start preparing for your death. I know it really sounds insane, but maybe not so much to someone who's endured what I went through.
It's my goal to live and let live. I wish harm on no man, but I have no qualms about taking someone else's life if I am backed in a corner or witness women and children being hurt.
I have to figure out a way to combat this thought process better, or one day I will likely end up in a cage permanently.
When you express concern to the authorities, with a list of solutions that go ignored, I guess it's only safe to assume they are rubbing their grubby little paws together and hoping it happens.
If I disappear, this article will be in the court room.
I asked for names, picutures, current threat level, and police report. I was dismissed, and I have to protect my life by whichever means necessary, this is my intrinsic human right that no court room has the right to tell me I cannot defend.
This concludes my thoughts on PTSD, as well as an outline of my current circumstance.
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This is rough :-( Thank you for sharing your story.
It's hard to say anything useful from this distance and with the information I have. I just now that your environment can pretty much decide whether any psychological challenge you have is coming out or is pretty much non-existent. Living in a trigger-free and quiet environment sounds like something you could greatly benefit from - but there's no way I can foresee for you how that would influence other aspects of your (practical) life and/or if that's even an option for you.
I am a psychologist and again I have no idea what you've already tried and I'm not trying to be all smart and 'giving you advise' or that sort of thing, and again, can't see all of your circumstances and challenges right now, but PTSD is something that can be healed for a big part through EMDR if you haven't already tried that yet.
You might already know all of the above - I'm trying to word carefully because it can be sooo annoying if people want to 'help' even though they don't know what you've already tried or even understand your troubles properly.
I just wish you the best and hope you find some way of dealing and stay safe.
I'm not offended in any way. I understand a great deal of psychology, but employing any of it in a practical sense for my benefit seems to be a conundrum. I've tried so much. A regular regiment of THC based products helps with reducing symptoms to a tolerable level, but it's currently not prescribed to veterans that have PTSD, Agoraphobia, Bi-polar, Depression, Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I have all of these, and they opt for pharma's every time, and every time, I become suicidal or even homicidal. Those pills are not good for me.
I've never tried EMDR, and/or ASMR which has also been recommended.
I'm not sure what else to say right now. I'm not in a good state, and I'm scared of drug addicts breaking into my home. I feel trapped, and I am prepared to murder someone. I told the police this, and nothing is being done. Tomorrow I am alerting the VA hospital of what has happened. After all, they housed me here and told me it was safe. Didn't know people were smoking crack under my feet.
Thank you for taking the time to comment for me. I will look into EMDR further, as I've never heard of it. Reading might help distract the racing thoughts anyways. Thank you, @soyrosa, you are very kind hearted.
EDIT: I forgot, DSM was updated, so I am cured of agoraphobia now... LOL
THC and CBD can do so much! I'm glad you at least found that and hope you can sustain the use of it in some way
Can you in any way find someone to stay with you? Lock your sharp tools for you?
I really hope it will distract you and maybe even give you a tool from where to work from. EMDR is hard work in a way, and not a lot of work in another way. It's basically reliving trauma's but in a way that it doesn't feel that intense, by desensitizing your brain through focusing on eye movements. The exact reason why it works isn't even known yet but because so many PTSD has been brought to a zero/almost zero stress level it's being performed anyway. Hope it's within reach for you!
Glad you suddenly got cured from at least one! :') The power of the DSM was discussed in my studies many times, it's a very weird 'tool' and very much culturally influences as well. Some stuff in the DSM that's a 'disorder' is just a spiritual belief in others ;-)
Sustaining it is difficult due to legalities and finances, but we are at least to the point where you can have CBD legally in NY state, as well as a growing tolerance towards possession of MJ. The VA knows I use it illegally, and they are supportive at this point, because they are taking the standpoint of "damage control".
I've alerted my social worker of what happened in a voicemail. I am expecting her call shortly, and I'm sure we will come up with a safety plan of some sort.
Interesting indeed.. I performed a bit of ASMR after speaking with you, and opted to minimize my internet use to reduce visual stimulation. It helped. I am in a much calmer state currently, and the racing thoughts have subsided. I will do my best to get into this soon, and will let you know the results. Can't thank you enough for this.
Don't get me going... lol, I'm sure by now, psychologists draw straws when deciding who will be "the next" 🤣
Last one ended in a nice exotic transference with with a young woman just learning the ropes.. Poor thing, I'm sure she learned quite a bit talking to a man like me. She handled it like a pro, as I was the one her told her the transference was happening.
To touch briefly on the MJ again, yeah it's pretty major for people in recovery from addiction and mental health. Sometimes addicts tend to use MJ in an addictive sense, which I generally do, but I remember hitting my head on concrete all the time while drinking, as well as smoking crack under bridges, so I'm cool with a little overuse of MJ..
I had been to rehab 4 times in a couple years, trying to get clean, and started thinking very deeply about "powerlessness", and it being ok to relapse, and surrendering to the idea that I had no control, as well as the idea that smoking pot somehow meant I am still an addict, and of course, I will be an addict forever... One day, I decided that was all complete and utter bullshit to keep a revolving door system funded nicely. A scam in other words, lo and behold, I have two years without a drink, something I couldn't seem to do with the help of rehab, NA, AA. Interesting eh?
THC is tried by many people and it did not help at all. Some people say they sleep easier or feel more sleepy... that is not a cure.
There is way more needed and police will not come to aid. A better start would be to find a safe place to stay/live first without all the triggers.
Depressions also cam be caused by a lack of vitamine D3 and most people have the lack without knowing it. Same with a lack of B12 and too much AGE in the body.
All the other help is useless if there is no safe way to live, if you feel threatened day and night.
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@soyrosa, what's up with the flag war on your comments? That is nuts...
I know :') Two whales are fighting out a disagreement and some of 'us' are caught in the middle. I'm trying to ignore it as best as I can ;-)
Well, I guess this is harmless in comparison to them fighting with weapons, and if that means @soyrosa gets caught in the middle with growing vests, then so be it! I'm sure it's no reflection of anything below the waistline, no way... big strong men must bash each other down in an endless display of ego driven POWER!.. 😂
Not my business, not my fight, hope it get's worked out in a positive/constructive way, that benefits Steem, instead of wasting it's resources. Maybe some of that flag power could be used to help some starving kids guys???
Why can't we all just love each other already...
So far I'm indeed ending up in the 'plus' side of it all, but who knows, this all just started a few days ago and it often catapults into really nasty behaviour :D We'll see!
I'm not going to comment on the 'below the waistline', you've already said it all perfectly :')
Yup. Spread love and upvotes and dance in abundance <3
Oh, my birthday brother, my heart goes out to you.
You need a friend that you can call when this happens.
Since we are of the same birth time I can relate. Our first instinct is to charge and fight till the death and when manic continue to pick until we get a fight. Only Taurus-Aries understand what I mean.
Our demon go, but never far away.
I will send my cell number to you in discord. Please call me anytime day or night because I too do not sleep, until my eyes can no longer stay open. I stopped tying to go to sleep a long time ago and now live on my schedule. It simplifies things.
Do I ever! It's definitely an internal battle when "in the moment", and the current goal I have, is to deconstruct the emotional response, while replacing it with a more logic based one. Yeah it sounds easy, and we both know it isn't, and that mania sucks, but at times can be pretty useful.
I'm happy you are able to figure out a way to simplify it lol.
I really appreciate this, and since I don't exactly have a phone pal, I think this might be an offer I can't refuse!
Thank you birthday sister. 😎
I had a similair childhood as you although the monster was my mother. I know how it feelsif someone tries to drown, strangle or choke you. At the age of 12 I learned the police will never believe a child, doesn't care.
At the age of 15 I left home.
Because of a certain life you had (I had) life will never be easy on you. People will seldom believe you (although everybody knows it exists). You will be high sensible or even more.. feel situations, see things long before others do.
Do not count on their help, they won't believe you.
As I was in a violent relationship the police literally said: He has to kill you first before we can do something.
I do not believe my life will get any better as it is now. I live in a kind of peace with as less people around me because they cause me stress.
The only reason I am still alive is because I live this way and my only goal is to live long enough till my kids are adult.
I will never have any relationship or family. It is just me in a broken body.
I think no matter what you need to find a way/place where you can.stay without the stress other people give you. They are not your responsibility, you are. So get out of their. There are enough monsters (from the past) you have to deal with already.
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Thank you for sharing your similar story with me. It's my opinion that no child should be made to feel pain or fear at the whims of someone else's sickness. It's a sad situation, because it's usually indicative that the abuser is suffering from their own trauma as well.
I really cannot connect the dots efficiently , as to how someone could go from abused, to abuser. (And I'm not saying this is the case with your abuser, or all abusers, but a good amount them surely).
I've experienced this my entire adult life. It's definitely frustrating, and a real mind bender when people see you continually predict things as a result of the heightened state of awareness, yet even when things happen time after time , they still remain dismissive, and will even go as far as to call it coincidence, well geeeze, how many coincidences must there be , before one questions the legitimacy of such dismissals!
I too have been alone most of my adult life, and prefer it this way, as people cause extreme stress, indeed,another commonality we share. Prefer as I do, it's not what I want, it's just a preference that I feel others force onto me. I have to question my thinking with this a bit, because it's easy to self sabotage, and not address the root of the trigger, or maybe better put explore, as a means of healing.
No one has the power to make you feel any specific emotion or "feeling". It's easy enough to understand, but difficult to employ in a practical sense. I can't tell you how many times I say "Ok, I have this shit down! No one will make me feel angry or scared or, ect.." Then something happens and it all goes out the window in an instant. It's damn hard to rewire how you think and perceive!
I hope you won't give up on yourself though, because this last bit that I highlighted is depressive and defeated sounding, and since you composed the message, you're still here with us. The world can seem like a lonely place for people who've experienced serious trauma, but I'm not giving up on the hope of one day having a companion or family in general, maybe some friends to hang out with, and I hope you won't give up either!
Eventually I'll have my cabin in the woods. For now, I must remain where I'm able to remain, and try to grow from experiences like this one, instead of back peddling. This situation had me in a manic state for nearly two days, but I've recovered from it now, and the neighbors have remained quiet. In a calm state, I look at it and realize, it's not very likely that two drug addicts fighting over a lighter are going to come running up the stairs to break in my apartment. Cocaine makes you paranoid, especially the crack form, and a crackhead who doesn't know who or what is in a house, is likely to go somewhere they know they can rob or steal from. I never robbed or stole when I was using drugs, but hey, I'm kind of different than most people, that's indicative enough.
If you ever need someone to talk to feel free to message me on discord (same user name) if you have discord that is. If you're in a moment of crisis, and I'm around. I will stop what I'm doing and be there for you. From one survivor to another. Hang in there, we're going to be ok.
Hello appreciated @futuremind.
When I started reading, I thought they were hypothetical facts, then I noticed that they are real.
I think it's a very delicate situation which you have to face with professional support and also a lot of family and friends' affection.
Another perspective at the right time can make you return to a positive state of mind.
I appreciate you.
PD:
I didn't hear from you so I decided to check out your profile to see if you're still active. Im glad to know that you're around :)
Unfortunately, I can not give you an upvote at this moment . I only now realized that I have committed a lot without checking my voting power. And it was reduced to 50%. Next time :)
All the best, Piotr
Oh but you did hear from me sir lol. Your Valentine's fun, I stopped by and completed your quest!
might have been drowned in all the amazing comments you get ;)No worries about the upvotes, we are not here for such trivial things. Give those votes, to the one's who need it more than me, please, would much rather have it this way.
In terms of family, they sustained this as well, and sadly, there isn't much bond with anyone or healing, so I've had to do this first alone, now with my family right here! I am ok with that, because you have all saved my life whether you know it or not!!!!
The Veteran's doctor's have been doing their best, aside from all the issues (opinion wise) that I harbor, they have done their best to help, and continue to do so.
Very much appreciate your kind words, and your companionship here my friend. Thank you again brother.
Glad you are aware of what’s happening. Time to check into the Doms dude. Get some help before you make a decision you can’t take back.
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Thank you brother. I am in communication with them, working on a plan. Everything is well ATM. Very much appreciate you. Will be keeping the brothers informed and up to date.
Glad to hear! I too suffer, as does my family... brutal Shit
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Yeah man. We're going to heal together. I was going to ask if you're in the vets server, but I see you are, cool ;)
Thanks again bro, we'll be in touch.
Hope everything turns out good bro
Thanks bro, I'm still here, that's gotta count for something right? lol
i love you. sending peace.
I love you too Beth. Thank you 💗
Highly rEsteemed!
Thank you kindly @frankbacon, you are appreciated sir.
High regards for this post as well good sir!
SteemON Bruv!
Ty for sharing your story. Horrible what youve endured. I too believe i suffer from ptsd but not to the extreme circumstances you found yourself in. Im glad you made the wiser decision. Ill return later for some possible ptsd suggestions. Blessings to you 🙏
Hi friend, I really appreciate your kind words. Everyone has been very kind and understanding. Sometimes, when in a crisis moment, it helps to write.. For me anyways.
PTSD has been misunderstood for the longest time. It's starting to become a bit more recognized as something anyone could have, rather than just Veterans. Basically, anything in your life that could be considered traumatic, could cause this type of condition. Even something like a close pet dying, which isn't considered by most to be terribly traumatic, but we are all different in how we feel and perceive, so while one person might lose an animal and accept it for what it is, another might obsessively think about their lost pet, and that is an example that I have actually seen before.
So, if you suspect you might be suffering from PTSD, based on what you have read here, my suggestion is to read up on what the symptoms are, as a means of trying to determine if this could be the case. It isn't easy to self diagnose however, and could be wrong, and/or lacking in understanding of other underlying issues that coexist with the PTSD. Disorders tend to compound in this sense if gone untreated. If your understanding of psychology is limited as a whole, I would personally recommend at the very least, consulting with a psychiatrist. That doesn't mean you have to take medicine, even if it's offered, but it might help you get a proper diagnosis.
A little google searching around will bring a ton of literature your way on this particular disorder.
To get you started in the right direction, I searched for an easy to understand, yet good breakdown Of PTSD
There is a reason you landed on this post. I hope that you will find healing friend. Thank you for your comment.
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