What does it mean to live a fulfilling life?
Talking with friends the other day, a couple of them are active on various dating apps, but they are the first to admit that they are disillusioned by dating through them. Yes, it is easy for them to find someone to sleep with (male and female users), but they are not fulfilled by this. They are still lonely and they are now starting to recognize that even when they find someone who is interesting, that person just can't keep their attention for long enough before they are swiping again.
And this goes both ways.
For those who read me regularly, I have mentioned a lot of the pitfalls of this for years already, and talked about it well back in the day with friends, before there was even modern social media. This isn't a new discussion, but it is becoming increasing relevant, as people are now starting to see the effects of their behaviors.
Loneliness.
Maybe when people are younger, this is far less of an issue, but now there are people who have been playing the digital dating game for over a decade and are themselves getting a bit longer in the tooth. What they are realizing is that they are unfulfilled, because they don't feel relevant in anyone's life. There is no "significant other" to not only share a day to day life and have future dreams with, but also someone who knows them in the past, knows where they have come from. They seem to be missing some kind of life continuity.
Which I think might be one of the attractions of identity politics, where people can claim membership of a group based on some kind of personal trait, even though no one in that group really knows who they are. I also think that this might be one of the drivers of blockchain immutability in the future too, where an individual can prove they existed in the past, even though not many people actually experienced them in that past life.
While it might not be easy to know exactly what makes for a fulfilling life, most people actually cite having a decent career as the major influence. This makes sense as a career speaks to meaningful continuity, a track record, a career path from there to here and on to the future. At least in culture now, there are very few 40-year jobs out there, and people are chopping and changing for a payrise every few years, rather than looking to establish themselves in a company for life.
This might bring more money, but perhaps it loses some of our connection to that sense of career progression, not to mention connection with colleagues. I have even seen complaints on social media from some people who have been unhappy with the lack of fanfare when they left a company for a new job after five years - as if it is a very long time and they should have had a party thrown for them.
Entitlement.
But I get it, because five years is a long time when people are changing every two years. And while money is cited as the reason, there is likely also that sense of restlessness in staying in the same thing for too long. And this is also driven by our cultural habits, where for instance, my friends late-teen son can't "invest" himself into a two hour movie, but can stream hour upon hour of 5-10 minute YouTube clips. With everything available on demand, no one wants to commit for long.
And this consumer restlessness is of course going to spill into other areas of life, such as dating, where people are consuming the company of other people, in the same way they consume clips on TikTok. Watch once or twice, get bored, look for the next piece to consume. It isn't about quality, it isn't even about quantity - it is just about always needing something new.
And it works in both directions, where two people who meet, both have this restless conditioning and are on the prowl for new. Two people who would have in the past been great together and formed a long-term connection, are now quickly seeing the flaws of the other, contrasted against the relative "better" on their apps in that regard, and soon jump ship. It is far easier than having to compromise and accept, and it has the bonus of the excitement of new.
For how long?
At least from what I have heard from friends, they are tired of the process and tired of the repetitive nature of what they are doing. They have their dates planned out, walking the same routes, going to the same cafés and restaurants, telling the same jokes - the only thing that changes is the person they are doing it with. It is robotic, automatic, stale. They know it will work and get them so far, but they also know that it is unlikely to ever go past that point, because either they will get bored, or the other person will get bored of them.
And restless feet go wandering again.
Humans are creatures that look for stability. Yet, even though we rationally know things are always changing, we seek for security through the flow of our life, that sense of continuity. Yet, we are losing this stream in favor of clips of a life, short pieces here and there, disjointed and unconnected, with no overarching storyline to tie them together. The rise of individualism has empowered us to make many more choices for ourselves, but the cost has been that we have lost the sense of family, community, and society that holds us together, that makes what we do worth doing, because people we care about and care about us, are relying on us.
Nothing last forever, but there seems to be this general feeling of impermanence in a culture that is rapidly changing due to the demand for new. Even who we feel we are is so fluid, that we can pick and choose what we believe ourselves to be, regardless of whether we are actually behave in that way or not, or if we will change it again tomorrow.
We want people to know us, to acknowledge our identity, yet we keep shifting the goalposts of who we are, by identifying ourselves with whatever trend label we feel is on our best interest to associate with. We don't have a clear line of personality, we are a disjointed collection of vignettes, each one filled with people and things that will be disposed of when the next begins.
No wonder loneliness is being considered an epidemic.
I don't know what a fulfilling life is for you, but what I do know is that it is up to you to figure out what that is, create the conditions to experience it and, pay the consequences for the decisions you make. If you think a thousand Tinder conquests will make you happy, go for it. If you believe being a keyboard warrior cancelling people you disagree with fulfils you, go for it. If you want to join a hate group and march in the streets so you feel relevant, that is your choice.
I believe there are better ways.
You do you. Whoever you are.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
I don't think I could handle dating these days. I didn't do very well at it back in the day, I'd be screwed now! I've never really seen the appeal of watching hours and hours of YouTube, but my wife and I do struggle to get through a two hour movie. Not so much due to our attention spans, but due to all the other life stuff going on. Between laundry, pouring new drinks, and the dog having to go out every half hour, it takes 4 hours to get through a 2 hour movie!
I was fine at dating, once I learned how to do it. However, I am pretty discerning on who I am going to get into bed with, so it also meant I didn't need to go on too many dates. Also, people seem to find people on apps that they have a lot in common with, and I think this is a mistake to some degree.
We hardly watch any movies now for the same reason. We have maybe an hour a night where we can watch, so a movie doesn't cut it.
Yes, I would probably be pretty discerning too. Hopefully, I don't have to worry about it anyway. I agree on the stuff in common thing. You need some shared interests and some that are all your own. Otherwise it's just boring.
People need to have some level of sameness, for that balance and so not at each other's throats. But, people seem to be looking to date a sibling these days... Maybe it is the Game of thrones influence :D
Haha, that has disaster written all over it! For a multitude of reasons.
To me, it means living in peace, achieving your dreams and accumulating beautiful moments ;)
We are surrounded by war and violence, forced to do things we don't like to feed ourselves, and don't have much time or energy to do much else. :D
For me, a full life is peace, being with my family, simple things, the only constant is change, is the only thing that keeps hapening since a lot never happens as we think but its true that tecnology has gone so deep into our lifes some times making it boring, ppl dont want to go out because they can order, now ppl dont want to date because they can just swipe and meet someone new?? may be going analog is best for anyone who wants to keep things interesting
Analog is the way if wanting to actually have a proper relationship that lasts, to go in my opinion. So much of the testing can be done in seconds face to face.
A very interesting topic here, the truth is that life depends on ourselves, and we must live it as if it were the last day.
By the way, I take this opportunity for you to join Inleo https://inleo.io/, this is the new brand of what was the old Leofinance, here you can publish microblogging (short posts), with the aim of announcing something of an initiative or quick information, something very similar to Twitter X, or anything you want to share literally. I invite you to make a Thread and try Inleo, I am sure you will like it, it is very simple and intitive.
I added something there and even posted my newest Leo post there ;)
So much of what you've written resonates so well. The bulk of the friends I have today were from high school and College. I've met infinitely more people since I left college and talk to a lot of people, but just fear I (we?) may have lost the ability (or will?) to make those meaningful connections
New people aren't familiar, but will never be, before we move on. I have very few friends that know me for more than a decade, but the ones that do are very good friends. I am trying to expand my circle again, but it is hard.
Dating now is so difficult. Most of the early stages happen in front of screen, with all their filters and perfect pictures. That is why their imagination is shattered once they meet. They can see the faults and problems of the other person, and not like the perfect being they envisioned. I think friend referrals in dating have a better shot of being successful. The friend knows both of you and can see how you can work together. The friend won't overhype and just say to meet and try it out.
Dear @tarazkp !
Are you currently having emotional problems with your wife?😃
One thing that confuses me is the fact that some people sleep with someone they don’t love. This is not the same as me. If I don’t love someone, I would not want to go that intimate with a human
I can’t do it
My (20-smtng) friends can't understand why I don't do dating apps anymore. I did meet some nice people while on them, but your analysis is just spot on. Apps tend to create the illusion of endless choice, which makes one far less likely to compromise, or even just be human. Why settle for some guy with a chipped tooth, when you can get one with a perfect denture?
I haven't used the apps since I was 22, I think. Much happier. The connections I make are more promising, too, because they're usually based on having something in common, rather than mere aesthetics. I like that. Like getting excited about a date (not swiping for an hour beforehand to see what else is out there).
Funnily enough, the last time I broke up with someone was because the guy (34, still using apps) had uploaded a selfie taken while on a date with me on Tinder, and I found out. The guy couldn't get what the big deal was. The erosion of human relationships, my friend.
With a chip on his shoulder instead! ;D
Where do you meet?
If I was single - it would be through dancing (salsa types) or gym - things I am interested in doing. But, the people I would meet there aren't "like me" by default. A different algorithm is in play. Mine :)
Oh, that is pathetic!
Mostly through shared interests. Dancing, also! I've been doing a lot of contact improvisation/jam type events. At shows or exhibitions. I think it's more natural and gives you a better shot, 'cause you're meeting through something you (already) have in common, you know?
Yep - I completely agree. More natural and something in common, but still that space for "completely different" in other ways in terms of backgrounds, professions etc. :)
So vital. We've got this skewed impression that "the perfect partner" has everything in common with us which just sounds like enmeshment to me.
I like this piece a lot. I even shared it with a bunch of non-Hiveans to read through. I'm curious to hear what my people think of this, especially the younger ones closer to my partner in age.
I've always struggled to stay put in one place for long. I've never had a job for more than 4 years. I've never lived in a place (not counting my childhood home) for over 3 years. My longest relationship lasted about 5 years but suffered through separations during that time.
At least there is Splinterlands. One constant in my life for over 2 years now, taking part in it one way or another every day since Thanksgiving 2021. Hopefully I can develop some other habits that will serve me better in life, than just my commitment to a game of entertainment and investment.
Been a slow (fast) week - getting to comments!
Anything, or did it just pass over them?
Flexibility takes practice, so too does commitment, doesn't it? When life is filled with so many options and very little immediate cost to change, we don't necessarily get to practice doing the same thing over and over. Just look at the foods we eat now - in the the past we would be happy to have food, now we are unhappy eating the same thing two days in a row.
I love having the comfort of the same thing 2 days in a row. I don't mind it much at all, that is ALL HER! 😎
Hello tarazkp!
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