Don't marry out of pity.

in ThoughtfulDailyPost29 days ago

I wouldn't say that I was too young when my dad died. If I say so, what would be said by my kid brother and kid sister who I am six and four years older than respectively?

I was in my late teens when it happened. Africans (read this as my family in particular) have a way of seeing teenagers and as kids who are too young to have banters or philosophize with adults. Your opinion at family meetings would likely be pooed on with subtle boes descending as laughter from the lips of elders. They'd presume that you're too young not to be foolish.

Funnily enough, I never saw myself as being too young then. It should interest you to know that it's about a decade since since my dad's departure from the earthly realm, but most of the mantra I hold true today, I learned it while he was here. In some cases, my lifestyle then act as my model now. When my virtues doesn't align with the man I thought then that I'd become, I simply know that I have drifted from my blueprint.

Are teenagers really young, wild and foolish?
I leave that for you to answer.

Prior to my dad's demise I can't vividly remember us speaking in a man-to-man tone. My inability to remember is certainly not due to amnesia, as I can still remember almost if not everything that transpired within that timeframe. That I can't remember suggests that we never had such moment. That would imply that I and Dad never discussed about life, career, marriage and other deep things of life.

Nevertheless, I learned life from him. I knew how to live by simply watching him do. Most of the mantras I hold true today was gleaned from his farm of wisdom. He was quite a wise man, one who can be easily taken for an astute thinker. Memories of how strange faces who came and sought for his counsel disturbed my heavenly morning sleep during school holidays is still dancing in my head.

I would like to believe that I took being thinker after my dad, though my own thinking is on a whole new level. Boy can think. He is in love with self reflection and meditations. If you see his mouth moving when no one is around, just don't worry about him. He is fine. Chances are he is chewing on thoughts, a food he has come to cherish even more than the famous Ibibio delicacy; "afia efede ebod*.

Talking of Dad's mantras, there is one that is still fresh like today's bread in memory.

"Never marry out of pity".

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I heard him making that statement while counseling his colleague who had a no little scuffle with a lady he dated for about a decade. Despite the turmoil that arose between them, he wanted to go ahead with marriage out of guilt.

He wanted to do that simply because they were together for a long, and the lady was of massive help to him. He was also scared of how he would viewed by people.

Well; my dad never asked him not to marry the lady, he couldn't have possibly said that anyways, considering the fact that he was a good friend to both the man and the said lady.

He however put sentiments aside and counselled that such decision shouldn't be made solely on the premise of pity.

The man heeded to my dad's counsel. The long but turbulent relationship ended. The ship ceased from sailing to the isle of matrimony, where they would have played to a cheering crowd by reciting a sacred creed against their heart desires.

My dad, the advisor is not alive today, but the man is not only alive but hearty. He is happily married to another lady, and he's doing quite well. The lady he ended the relationship with is also happily married to another man.

I don't want to imagine what would've become of them, had they forged ahead despite many clear bad signals.

It's noble that you compensate those who were there for you and with you, but trust me, marriage is not the best way to do that.

Marriage is a no compensation scheme.

There are girls I will never think of marrying, not because they are bad people, but due to fact that I think we are not compatible in so many ways.

That I can't marry them doesn't in anyway imply that I'm not appreciative of the blessing they were to me (that is if there was anything like that). If I have the opportunity to repay their kindness, I will gladly do so.

Waking up to the same face everyday is no child's play. Some of us who couldn't wait to get out of our family house to experience the other side of life, would be obligated to stay put with a person. That is no small feat for some us to attain.

For marriage to work, I believe that there must be a strong cord binding the couples to together. Pity is a cord that will melt away in a little time. It is not strong enough to withstand the heat that tries couples.

The bond of marriage must be strong enough to make the bondage worth the while.

That you were of help to that man does not mean that he has to marry you.

That you invested so much on that lady shouldn't be a reason you force marriage on her.

Do not help because you are expecting anything in return but simply help because you have the ability to to do.

The compensation for helping someone, should be the satisfaction you get for being able to put a smile on someone's face.

To me, knowing that someone was bettered by my help, do give me such a heavenly feeling. I don't know about you.

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The wise man has spoken from the farm of wisdom (may his soul rest in peace).

Marrying out of pity will never end well from stories I've heard, especially those who marry because of a mistake they felt they would never be able to correct.

I just hope people try hard to avoid situations where they have to do tings out of pity for others, it's not only going to end bad.. MIT might also hurt someone's pride and dignity.

You have a well written thoughtful post here my @mmykel

And I didn't get here through @dreemport 😂

I'm the eldest to my siblings by 4 years and 2 years respectively 😌😊 just felt like telling you 🙈

The wise man has spoken from the farm of wisdom (may his soul rest in peace).

Thanks dear. I would pass your compliment to him when I see him tonight in my dream. 😂

Marrying out of pity will never end well from stories I've heard, especially those who marry because of a mistake they felt they would never be able to correct.

Yeah. Such emotion easily fades.

You have a well written thoughtful post here my @mmykel

Thanks.

And I didn't get here through @dreemport 😂

E for shock me sef. 😂 Because I'm yet to submit it.

I'm the eldest to my siblings by 4 years and 2 years respectively 😌😊 just felt like telling you.

😂😂😂

We have more than one thing in common. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? 😂

Please do tell him that but only in your dreams o, don't go more than that.. You know na

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

It's like I'm not thinking the the thinking o, come and explain yourself 🤣🤣 sha don't allow your gf to see what you wrote here 😂

I can't go beyond. God no fit shame us. 😂

After denying, it later appeared like you're even thinking it more than me. 😂

Don't worry about my gf. I only have an acting one. Na your bf I come de fear now. 😂😂

Yes o, but nor too fear sha... He nor dey kill person 😂

🚴🚴🚴🚴🚴

Your dad sounds like an incredible man and I am sure he would be very proud of the man that you have become. This was a moving thoughtful post @mmykel. It is sad that you never got to speak to your dad about all of these things but it is clear that he nevertheless found a way to communicate life and values to you through his actions, thereby bridging the gap. As for marrying out of pity...definitely don't do it. For love alone... it's a long haul😂And I DID come to your post via @dreemport although you know I love your writings anyway.

I am sure he would be very proud of the man that you have become

I'm feeling so emotional right now.

it's a long haul😂

So I heard. I should build more momentum before embarking on the marathon. 😂😂

although you know I love your writings anyway

I always feel good, when I hear this from you.

Thanks for coming around.

If it means anything, when I was a teenager, my parents never felt I had anything useful to say either. My 'discussions' with them were usually lectures by them that I actively tried to avoid, exit, and flee at the earliest opportunity because I was tired of being treated like I didn't have anything useful to say.

Marriage really should be about wanting to be with the person. It should be a commitment where each person is willing to give more than they receive. But what do I know. I suck at relationships. 😃

I can very well relate to discussions with parents sounding like lectures. As for the escaping part, I can't recall how many times I felt like disappearing.

You're so right about marriage. You may suck at relationships but that doesn't mean that you know nothing about it.

It's nice to see you around. Thanks for taking out time to read.

You're welcome. Thank you for the upvote.


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Hmmm... So thoughtful and deep

Thanks for stopping by man.

🙏🏻🙂❤️

Your father was a wise man and this piece of advise s very true

I truly believe marrying some out of pity it a sense of obligation will never bode well and speaking from experience I this case

My first marriage was not based on true love I now realize and was out of a sense of duty on my part and lasted only 12 years and to be honest it’s amazing it lasted that long

My current marriage was based on true live and the happiness we brought each other which only grows stronger day by day

I found my way here via #dreemport

Marriage is not only sacred, it is a sacrificial decision which must be carefully made.

Just like you said, waking up each day to the same face is not a child play. It is a decision that can make or mar the rest of one's life.

Nevertheless, I am able to gain the most easiest way to give marriage counsel, Never marry out of pity.

Thanks for this piece.

Marriage is for the mature minds alone and like the wise would say, it's like a Christmas package. You never know what is inside until you unwrap it. Imagine your surprise if the excitement you had before unwrapping turns sour just cos you don't like what you see inside.

This is why marriage is not a pity party. You marry because you love and is ready to stay with the person not under obligation for a good done by you or to you. That's disaster waiting to happen because when the tides of life comes thronging, the ship may not survive the wreck.

Teenagers are just having one issue with them,.which is the habit destruction. They are ready to remain inquisitive on any forms of thing they see. This does not mean they are foolish, buy are just still children who are still learning.

This is a statement which I learned from my dad as well. He never told me not to marry out off pity but his way of reacting with his children was quite different from other fathers.

You have truly learnt a lot from your dad.

@dreemport