「 “You know how to define yourself. You’re just not willing to do it because it will cost you dearly. And you know it will.”」
It’s truly fascinating how the landscape of society changes within 6 years at least from the moment I was being more loud about things. Back in the day, being an agnostic or an atheist wasn't something you’d be proud of saying. These days, nobody cares. You can believe in some mythical gods, some folk religion and old tradition, borderline occultism, anything goes. Now, they even accept folk religion into our identification. I am calling those some type of progress in our society where religion is heavily embedded into our social life.
At large, these things are no longer an issue but within the family, or at least people I choose to call “family” was still an issue until these days.
Almost a decade ago, being an atheist openly would mean you’re on the edge of persecution. You’re the minority and you’re constantly in hiding, these days I heard this a lot more casually.What I used to fear back in the day isn’t really something to be feared anymore. But back in the day, I had that fear.
Even remotely telling friends I was a non-believer, led to debates and losing some friends. It wasn’t that I was trying to convince them, I was trying to get my point across why I believed what I believed. Eventually, I got tired proving my point.
Soon after, life took me to a very interesting place and situation. It's by nature that at some point you question your identity even more so when you're actually adopted. So,in one conversation with a friend of mine, she said the quotes above which also appeared in one of my fictional work.
To live without a God, some god, or some type of a moral box is an absolute freedom. Without religion, you can customize morality in which for some is quite an intriguing deal. Anything can be justifiable, depending on which spectrum you believe in. With absolute freedom, there’s no do and don’t from anyone telling us what to do. It’s us deciding how to live and what to make out of it.
You could argue even with religion, morals can be customized too. But I mean, with religion, you still have this do and don’ts according to the people who lived before us or God. It’s like a restrictive background. For someone who hates being told what to do, how to do a certain thing, all these aren’t appealing. But after that long search, hours of reflection, I found something I’ve never felt before. A peace, a direction that I am willing to go for. So, well I am no longer an atheist for the last couple of years and which according to my fellow atheist, is regression and stupidity.
Maybe it is a regression and stupidity. But I’d take that any day more than the lives I used to lead.
This whole blog for the last 8 years is all about me documenting the search of life’s meaning. I went from someone terrified speaking my truth to someone who isn’t terrified anymore. There are many good things happening around here and for once again, I realized how little my family knew of me yet online friends, strangers, or anyone who reads this page, know better of what’s inside my head. Maybe it's irrelevant to this whole conversation but writing it all out helped me process and being a lot more brave to speak out.
When I finally told the truth to my mother who barely caught a wind of all these, she was taken aback. She paused, barely answering, trying to collect herself. As much as she’s used to my shenanigans, my antics, and everything that is so against what our current society expects of me, she was still taken aback. Religion is a core in our society. Our birth,entire life, marriage, to death revolves around religion that we either born with or eventually choose.
But then I get it, She’s not the type of person who picks up behind the lines. I was 14 when I started to wonder if God truly exists. I remembered one time telling her God doesn’t exist. But she might think it was just some teenage angst. It never was for me.
What happened was, saying those to my mom, opened me up to the world of philosophy and theology which I spent a lot of time on studying as a teen. I wanted to know if God exist or if life has meaning beyond believing to God. I studied almost every religion there is to know even the LaVeyan Satanism which actually fits so well if you're into some type of libertarianism or even Anarcho-capitalism.
And I was quite a hardcore atheist that goes to meaningless debates to practicing Buddhism and I kid you not, almost converting there because by theory and practice it is all great. Strangely, at the time, I didn't find that peacefulness, like truly at peace that I've felt for the last couple of years ever since I read and studying the scripture attentively once again. It might be wrong through the lens of the people around me but they can't be saying otherwise.
As for a long time, I hid who I am, I hid every part of my life's journey to them, even what I really believed in and waited until the day I could bear the weight of all the costs that might be incurred because of the choices I made.
The cost indeed was dearly but this Sunday, for the very first time, I walked to a place feeling like I made my own very choice as an adult without anyone’s interference or even a hint of influence. And you know, like suddenly there was a surge of confidence and that feeling of being fearless more than I've ever felt before.
That is another win for me this year and this month.
And maybe none of this matters just as I said, considering this is 2025, where you can believe in anything. But reclaiming who I am and truly reclaiming it, is something that mattered to me. And it is the part of the freedom I seek, to choose who I truly want to be and saying it out loud without any fear to anyone anymore.
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I'm really happy for you. Going down that road is never easy. Neither is going up that road, seeking for true spiritualism. And the hardest is going down, and then up again. I like that you studied so many religions, so you know what you're talking about, at least to some degree - maybe even more than some that pretend to practice those religions, without having a deeper connection, but out of habit or because they were taught so.
Religion can bring a great deal of meaning to people's life. If they choose it. But so can any spiritual path, even if that path doesn't include a god. A good friend of mine was always on the search for a place for his soul to belong, going threw Judaism, Orthodox Christianity, an Islamic Sect, Freemasons - and I bet that list is not even complete. He found is calling in Buddhism, years ago, and yet, he has not found is final place yet. Among all the schools and streams, he hasn't found the one that is calling for him. But he's learning a lot, and it's helping him a lot, and he's somehow happy with it.
He taught and teaches me a great deal about religion and spirituality, that there is so much to discover, it can go so incredibly deep. Just like our minds. He mentioned to me (and I didn't look that up as his statement suits me) that the Greek saw philosophy as a spiritual path, after I mentioned in one of our discussions that it's very hard for me to feel any desire for spirituality at all.
I wish you well for your journey!
I believe that in life to some degree we have options and as for religion, most of us believe in because of habitual and our surroundings. We rarely question it or even understand why we try to follow what we follow. This road hasn't been easy, just as many things when we try to question the norm.
Your friend is definitely a similar situation to what I was going through. Sometimes we're in perpetual of search and we haven't found the one that click but like most of us who was searching or still searching, eventually we find there's greater things we don't understand and we might never will.
You know, as much as I tried to conform not to think too much about spirituality or care about it, I keep finding myself being pulled into it & so far it has taken me to many fascinating place too.
Have a great day😊
Who knows, maybe in a few years I'll find my spiritual path 😅 But until then, I'm stick to being curious about what other people believe and why. And my life is quite awesome at it is, at least for the moment - the next slap in the face will eventually come 😅
It's pretty interesting and impressive that you have the mental fortitude to see these things and view them as lessons and things to learn from. Most people are devout to their religion just for the sake of being devout. They aren't really religious, but rather habitual.
I've also had my own fluctuations with the various things. I've settled on something that I find works well for me, and gives me meaning and honesty but also doesn't say it's all bullshit and people are dumb. We are for sure spiritual beings, it is part of our fiber but WHAT that spirit is? That's what is hard to say. Organized religion is largely a farce and control mechanism, but that doesn't mean that there isn't a spiritual force out there that is helping us and driving things forward, for better or worse.
With that being said though, one thing I know for absolute certain that true, ugly and hideous EVIL is for sure a big part of the world. I think that's what ended up bringing me back to spirituality. There is so much nasty, evil stuff that there has to be something to balance it out.
Spot on! Once it becomes a habit, it is hard to break. You don't even know why you're doing that, it's just something you're used to. When you're aware of it, you began to question, why am I even doing that?
There's something far greater from us that we don't even understand. Speaking of which, I know that there's a push towards AGI and some argue that it could honestly dispel the concept of God itself. But who knows? It's still up to a lot of debates.
We need a balance in life. I believe evil won't exist without good and good won't exist without evil. It's all there and we get to choose which spectrum we want to be at.
well I have friends who are atheist and I am a Christian, Yes it bothers me— but The only thing I can do for them is to understand. Everyone has life going through and through, and every decision we make was an impact of how life is treating us.
I know you had your reasons and I respect that. No need to push yourself further to please someone, And I'm proud of you for not being afraid. Some might not really agree with me, maybe a lot of christian would never. But This is my opinion about you— I love how you're choosing peace now.
I think compassion is what we need/ should show. Perhaps, one day your friend will find that one faith he/she could believe in but maybe they won't. I am sure at some point my friends were like that to me. While they don't agree with what I believed in at the time, they kept being my friend through thick and thin, regardless what I believed.
yes, It means that religion isn't really the problem. But the people itself.
Until I was 30, I was a convinced atheist. Then I noticed something in this life and realized that our world is much deeper than modern scientific ideas. https://ecency.com/hive-126152/@urrirru/in-search-of-the-meaning
I read your post and that's intriguing thought. Having to study a lot of ancient structures and history, I agree there's something more and much deeper than our modern scientific ideas. There's just a lot that we could barely explain or comprehend even about our own origin. Some people would believe things happen because the way it is, some believe that there's divine being at work. In the end, each to their own.
I felt that way for a while, when I denied God and decided I could get a lot further in life if I shed that old moral code I was raised with... until I started walking down the path and discovered nothing but misery, pointlessness, sadness, anger and dissatisfaction. It wasn't freedom, but slavery. It wasn't joy, but despair. When I turned away from the depravity I was headed for, my life changed for good.
Since repenting of the atheistic moral relativism and turning towards the statues of the LORD, accepting Yeshua as savior and Messiah, my life has been exceedingly blessed - including a good wife, many children and a moral compass where I can decern right from wrong and have a foundation for my life.
I would encourage anyone bound up in pride and sin to rediscover what every human knows in the womb - that there is a creator God and He is good and He desires good for us. It takes humility to remember this and about-face from the seductions of the world, but in the end it is absolutely worth it. Blessing or cursing, life or death, salvation or condemnation. It's not a difficult choice.
!BBH
That was so familiar with my own experience. Sometimes I wonder to those who follow this absolute freedom truly has joy if they've asked deep down enough. But maybe it works for some of them, you know.
It takes humility to get to know all this but so far, it has done me good and I hear nothing but I look happier. Even for me, I feel at peace,no longer in constant turmoil and have something to hope and live for.
Thank you so much for sharing the story. It's something that we need to read and learn from.
A very profound and thoughtful thought. There are uncertainties in this life, but each person has the freedom to think and believe whatever they want. Life itself is a mystery, and we don't know if we will ever find the answer to who we are in the universe.
Having read your blog,I truly appreciate you for being so brave and with full of courage. Continue inspiring others.
@macchiata, I paid out 0.573 HIVE and 0.120 HBD to reward 6 comments in this discussion thread.