Caught

in Splinterlands6 months ago

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Here I am again. Two months have passed since my last ramblings about the desire to depart. In two months, not a lot of things change within my mind. As a result, I want to sell all my Splinterlands things again.

If you're interested in my card collection and my surveyed tract complete with building in a box and all the other bonuses from DEC-B, I will immediately, and without thought, accept an offer of 42k USD in BTC, ETH, HIVE, SPS or DEC. Escrow will obviously be required.

Anyway, onto my thoughts, swimming about in a murky ocean, persisting like an annoying Baakjira in first position. I read out my "Departure" post on my recent Splinterlands TV stream, and I realised through this process that nothing, to me, about my relationship to Splinterlands has changed a single bit.

Every time I hit the battle button, my cognitive abilities are filled with "really, i can't use these abilities or these cards?" instead of "how can I use my cards in an interesting manner given these rulesets and scenarios?"

Every battle is a chore. Every click to navigate through things feels like a burdensome fracas with myself, while navigating a maze that is without end. That depth of potential should excite a player of a game. For me, it doesn't; anymore. Maybe I'm the one who is broken.

This feeling doesn't just apply to Splinterlands. It applies to every other thing in life that formerly solicited joy, and I don't know why. Whether it is my photography, sitting back to relax with a PC game, go for a drive, or even enjoy a pizza, the corporeal world has appeared to lose its lustre.

My workplace offers therapy and support through a third party service, so I've engaged with that to try and "Fix" me. I recogonise that there are unhealthy thoughts and pragmatism to the point of hopelessness applied to my reasoning. Maybe it is depression, maybe it is a rut, but I know that I need some help to figure that out, and I'm actively pursuing it as aggressively as I can. I want to feel better.

I'm tired. No, I'm exhausted. The title of this post is no accident. I'm "Caught" in two minds about this. This feeling has persisted for almost a year, and hasn't gotten better.

At least I survived my dental surgery. I'm pretty much completely recovered from that and "enjoying" whatever it is I want to eat again.

Back to this feeling of my clothing being snagged on something, almost like a Splinter. I want to quote from a song, of the same name as the title of this post, Caught, by Florence + The Machine. I don't know how it is so very relevant to my feelings about Splinterlands over a persistent period of almost a year.

It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do
To try and keep from calling you
Well, can my dreams keep coming true?
How can they? 'Cause when I sleep
I never dream of you
As if the dream of you, it sleeps too
But it never slips away
It just gains its strength and digs its hooks
To drag me through the day
And I'm caught
I forget all that I've been taught
I can't keep calm, I can't keep still
Pulled apart against my will

Does this mean that I'm in two minds?

Yes. As I've said before; I love the idea of Splinterlands.

I once loved the game.

I love the potential prospects that lie in its future.

However, I cannot see myself as being a part of that future anymore, because, well, allow me to bring the second verse of this song into context.

And it's the hardest thing I've ever had to prove
You turned to salt as I turned around to look at you
Old friends have said, the books I've read
Say it's the thing to do
But it's hard to see it when you're in it
'Cause I went blind for you

I have gone blind for Splinterlands. For five years, I've been in and out of obsession with a game and eco-system that brought me so very many close friends, laughs, and even the opportunity to contribute to the game's success through my contributions to Splinterlands TV, the DAO, Mavchat, and other avenues in which I've been involved with the game.

I remember when we all colluded to ensure that Matt and Aggy's partners got flowers around the time of a massive release. I don't know if those guys remember those moments, but I hope that those moments are not lost upon the community.

Everyone says its a bad time to sell, and sure, it might be; but in reality; there's never a good time to sell anything. Generally speaking; to sell something is to give it up, and I'm grateful that this can be done with some return rather than the zero return you would get from traditional games.

Then you leave my head, and crawl out of bed
Subconscious solipsist
And for those hours deep in the dark
Perhaps you don't exist

There's one thing that I know, though. I want to continue holding my SPS. I /think/ I want to continue holding my Tower Defence packs to get the thrill of opening them, whenever that eventuates.

But I'm caught
I forget all that I've been taught
I can't keep calm, I can't keep still
Pulled apart against my will
And I'm thrashing on the line
Somewhere between desperate and divine
I can't keep calm, I can't keep still
Persephone will have her fill

So for so very long, I've felt caught. I'm stuck. I'm between the world of Splinterlands, my dreams desires, and visions of the game, and the para-social relationship that I've built with the notion of the community being a single entity. It is a unifying factor across all the mediums in which Splinterlands can be discussed.

As I said last time, I've followed this Splinterlands road for a very long time. As I said in mav chat, recently; every moment I've walked down this meandering forest path and every time I've met the fork in the road that is labelled "Splinterlands" or "Elsewhere", I've followed the path that leads to "Splinterlands".

Perhaps, like red riding hood, I've had my fill of following a trail of breadcrumbs or candy, and I want to explore the spectre of that scary wolf that is encountered at the place known as "elsewhere".

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Every time I hit the battle button, my cognitive abilities are filled with "really, i can't use these abilities or these cards?" instead of "how can I use my cards in an interesting manner given these rulesets and scenarios?"

I realise suddenly that this has started to become my cognitive process while playing. Perhaps the fact that I don't play as often as I'd like has, ironically, helped me keep some enjoyment with playing. As Slobberchops says, the revenue side of things could well be what lures us away from treating it like a game. We were actually discussing as a good whether to go up to T4 brawls and lose every brawl just for the SPS earnings or stay in T3 and continue to try and improve there. My biggest concern in going up is the demoralising feeling we're bound to get constantly losing and that sticking out the enjoyment from the game.

It applies to every other thing in life that formerly solicited joy, and I don't know why.

I hear you. We've been feeling the same of late especially with everything that's happened these last few years. I think it can be worse when you don't know why you feel that way, though. I hope your therapy session was able to shed some light on things for you.

It was great to see you again on Thursday. You always shine so bright I would never have guessed this was going on under the surface. Sadly that's often the way, isn't it.

Thank you.

It isn't just the last few years, it is the last few months, I think. We've all been through an enormous number of hoops, leaps, and stressors.

The lights that shine the brightest also burn the hottest. They don't last as long. I think 5 years in the Splinterlands system is a pretty good achievement.

Splinterlands is a trap we are all in. If people treated it like a game and not a revenue machine it would be more attractive. I'm keeping in, for now.

Well, it is normal to stop loving the thing you used to love before
I hope you eventually see someone who will buy all your Splinterlands cards.

We'll all have to wait and see.

The way things are going at the moment in the market and the rest of the world, the way we see it, the prices of everything are very low, especially in such markets, so the projects like this are absolutely money at the moment. Not giving yet one should keep playing such project because it will give profit within the next time and when one gets interested in anything then one keeps playing it even without money.

It’s good that you wrote…. Again… Thank you!

I think you should take a break. I have taken a break from hive for exactly a year in the past. Jan 2019-Jan 2020. It served me well.

As many said that it’s just a game. I don’t think you have any problem with the game, you have a problem with life. Who doesn’t?! I am no expert in providing a life solution. Only thing I can offer is the fact that you situation is likely non-unique. All our situations are non-unique. There are 8 billion people on this planet and it is hard to be unique.

Hope you find peace with yourself my friend. The game and the community will be here when you are ready to come back.

I had planned on that too, taking a break, though; far shorter. The question I have to ask myself, which I still have not yet answered is - but what else could I do with the time?

It isn't like I need the money; I feel as though I just don't want to have it "in" Splinterlands anymore. It's a confusing place to be where ties to the community are so "strong".

I do really feel like Little Red Riding Hood in the forest though, only my basket is full of ... cards.

If you don’t need the money then what is the rush?

Do nothing.

It’s not that you will find a fair price buyer anyways :)

Do Nothing

I really wish I was better at this. Something I will speak to the therapist about when I get to that stage. Just waiting for a date for the appointment.

You need some laugh my friend :)

Life is shit, so sleep as much as possible

:D

I feel like that all the time, but I suck at sleeping!

There's also something hilarious about hearing a sub-continental accent curse like a sailor. Thanks for sharing.

The dude is a celebrity in certain circles :)

His accent makes it special. He is from South Africa. I am sure you are aware of generational Indian diaspora in Jo'berg :)

This is even better

I have different mind-candy on offer for mandecating. However, first I want to express my understanding of your caught perception and I am happy to hear you have an outlet for your mind's traffic jam. Those professionals have excellent ways to clear out the bio-attic so don't lose track of their tips and tricks.

Onto your current dilemma, I believe you're on the right path. You've placed a value on your property, you've set others to manage things while you are "away" and put everything else on a semi-low rental until you come back in whatever capacity.

The idea of stepping away seems wise. And while the hard part may appear to be is knowing when to return, or what to do, or how to do it, it's actually extremely easy. I don't believe it's right to set a "time to return" while you are in the quagmire. You have other aspirations, however far-fetched. Explore those, and me personally, I'd go for the most interesting to you but furthest from the whole PC world. But when you dive, dive deep. Explore it fully to your heart's content. During that adventure, you'll go periscope up from time to time and check posts, friends in Discord etc. but you will likely return to your new adventure until it's run its course.

Have a list of questions that have meaning to you, so when you do check in on old habits, you can gauge how or if you have changed your mindset about them. Then go do the next thing that you have an interest in. Rinse and repeat until you answer your own current question. "What am I doing today that I am looking forward to?" The when or if values will be clear when you answer.

This one is very insightful. Thank you. I had tossed up the insane notion of doing some acting classes to help get better at my photography by understanding the "science" of human motion in more detail, and perhaps that is something that I'll go and pursue further.

It's a good way to get my photographic stuff to a higher level, but then of course, I'll want to photograph people again, and feel let down by those that don't arrive when they say that they will. :D

I also like your view of not putting a date on things.

The only concern I have with that is "What if it all crumbles to no value in my absence?"

Sure, the sunk cost fallacy is pretty big here owing to the half a decade I've thrown in, but it would suck even more if I woke up one morning and so that all that time had been for naught.

There's many things that weigh on my mind. Foremost, the fact that I never waded into Splinterlands with the intent of "building wealth", or "capital", but now that this has happened, my brain shifts to finding ways to preserve that.

Hey mate, reading your article, it seems to me like you are stuck in a funk and as Azircon mentioned, we all get that sometimes. You do you and try not to worry about what people might think of your actions.

In times like this, your mind can be your worst enemy and it's good to hear you are willing to acknowledge and seek help. That's the first step and there is nothing to "fix" as you are you and interests change as we get older. It's ok to be not ok.

My brain is always my worst enemy :D

The rut has been ongoing for too long. I need to get it addressed.

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I'm gonna go down a different angle here and ask... When was the last time you got a blood test done?

I'm asking because I recently had a health scare which prompted me to take a blood test and we found that I was anaemic - which explains my low energy/motivation, tiredness and mild depression.

Maybe youre not broken but you may have some chemical imbalance going on?

I suggest holding off selling. I keep thinking of o07 and wish he didnt sell up when he did. If you have a spare, low key account, thats not in a guild, would you like to jump in with the Drop Bears and play with us? We've all been keeping each other in the game for a few years now. I personally would have left everything in auto if I didnt have my guildies.

Offer is there and we have a spot for you if you want to jump in. But defo go get a blood test done if you havent done one recently.

<3

February. It was all healthy then. Doctor was very pleased.

I've already sold about half at this point. Holding the SPS. That will be my hedge. Not in a hurry to sell the rest. It'll go slowly. :)

September now - maybe time for another one? I didnt feel my spiral til a few months ago.

As long as youve kept your SPS. Maybe chuck it in an LP :D Ive got most of mine in LP.

BTW just because you sell up doesnt mean youre not part of the community.

Feel better soon man. I know the struggle is real <3

Its all staked. :) I want to make sure the DAO makes better choices. If they don't, as I said in my other post, I'll sell if I lose complete faith. :)

Hey @holoz0r, I can see the struggle and I hope you realize that you should do what is best for you. I think anyone that respects you would want that. This is just a game, and if you don't enjoy playing it anymore, then its ok to stop. No one should feel compelled to participate if they don't enjoy it.

I hope you get your passion back for life. I know things get confusing for everyone, but I think you will figure out what works for you. You're a good dude and full of energy.

Thank you for all you've done over the years and hope you find what motivates you to wake up every day and be happy! Take care and don't be shy to come back too if you ever get the impulse!

It is comments from people such as yourself that makes it all the more difficult and emotional to post my candid thoughts. I feel as though I am letting the community down by not wanting to be present.

I don't even know what I truly want. I've just got a lot of figuring out to do. I'll take a week or two away and bury my head in the sand in other things and see how I feel after that before I make any rash movements with my items.

Pretend there's no internet. Who are the people who you can count on that will help you survive? If it's only you, that's not a bad thing. In fact I think it's an excellent way to start. A clean slate or so to speak.

Are cats people? Otherwise there's just me, my wife, a small collection family members, and a few close friends. That's all that truly matters.

Hey @holoz0r, I think you are equating selling your assets with leaving the community and the game. And that's simply not the case.

You can sell all your assets for whatever reason, but you will always be a part of the community. We don't forget you just because you sell assets, and it doesn't make you less of a community member at all. Many people sell assets for various reasons.

I definitely support you taking time to figure out what makes you happy. But I think if you separate your thoughts into 2 sections (money and game/community), then it will help clarify the decision.

Just remember YOU earned the respect, not your money.

We are our actions, not our objects :)