For the 3rd year now - it's not a June if there is no dandelion wine.
It's difficult to explain this irrational fear, but it's so ingrained in the bones, that I have to fight it constantly. So the intention is - max exposure to the fear - feel it and draw anyway. The fear is there not only before starting, you know, the fear of white paper.. no, no, it's constant.. finish one item/line, be afraid to mess everything up with the next. Finish the most epic drawing that you've ever done - look at it and sit with the fear that you couldn't even reproduce it, let alone that you could ever come close to drawing anything that epic ever again.. constant, constant.. nonsense.
The loveliest white hibiscus in a pineapple pot did not have a drainage hole at the bottom. We had to drill that to save the plant from possible root rot.
The downside (after hours of playing with coffee on different kinds of papers to see what happens) - is reduced readability. Yes, I overdid it, I admit. But hey, at least I had fun. And also, the readability of the texts is never really a focus in journals like these, so the mere hint of a text works just fine. For your convenience, the text (with corrected spelling) is also provided here below the images.
Why waste monies on garden games, when you can just make them yourself?Honest to God I have no clue where that time just disappears. If I manage to stick to the rough idea of attempting to draw at least something each day in July then maybe at the end of the month I'll at least have something to show for, otherwise, if someone asks what I have been doing this whole time, the only thing that comes to mind is - washing dishes, mostly. There are always more dishes to be washed. xD
Fire-safety first! Always.The only thing that I know for sure is that the summer is for enjoying here and now. Whatever happens after that is up to.. ..forces.. of life and destiny. Meanwhile, I try to relax into the unknown.
So for now the plan is to enjoy and make the most of the summer. Draw, draw, draw. Read books, go for walks, weed the garden, go swimming, wash dishes, start renovating grandma's house together with dad, continue with my sewing projects, learn trading, play-pretend to be a pirate, you know, all that summery jazz. ^^
June has been quite hot and dry, so we're now welcoming any tiny bits of rainfall that we (but mostly garden) get these past two days or so. It might be that the whole of July turns rainy now, but hopefully, we get to go to the seaside too at some point.
But that's that for now. Have an epic summer!
Catch you soon enough. ^^
~Josie~
I love your way of painting...
Thank you! !LUV ^^
I still have a long way to go in my 'learning to draw' journey, but comments like yours are reassuring.
~Josie~
@bntcamelo, @josie2214(1/4) sent you LUV. | tools | discord | community | HiveWiki | <>< daily
! help(no space) to get help on Hive. Infoweird, all the 'fear' around the things we sorta love the most. can't say with any certainty that our reasons are the same, though i can relate with music. cool it seems you've been breaking through it and are enjoying again... ✍️
nyeah, managed to hit another wall, besides I also have an excuse that renovating Grandma's house is now the sole focus. Even though I know that's just some bullshit I say to myself to make me feel better about retreating into 'safety' of not drawing again. "The Unfinished Projects" pattern rearing its ugly head again.
Speaking of music.. how is it going? Did the dopamine detox help at all?
I have one NDE video that I'd like to hear your reflections on (authority and timing permitting, of course) -
!HUG
~Josie~
(timid gulp and shameful contraction). 🙈
haven't touched music all that much this month, tbh. (my open heart/ego/will center wrestling the pull to try rationalize and defend itself. lol.)
i dunno if the "dopamine detox" really got too far. may have still reduced time on Instagram and YouTube slightly, but not as much as ideal. though at least have kept up with the cold showers and feeling that making a difference. (one day off a couple days ago seemed to provide the contrast, as day was SH!T - not saying that's the entire reason, but would make sense it'd play at least a part.)
a few points that jumped out...
"memory..." can relate on how we have to forget alot, otherwise would be completely overloaded... although i almost sorta get frustrated thinking about it - especially in combo with the idea of that title, 'not accomplishing life's purpose' - like, uncomfortable reflections, myself feeling like i'm not and don't/can't even remember, having lost connection with whatever 'inner compass/radar' 'should' be guiding me without the memory
the part of 'getting into one's own rhythm, your unique music, routines...' had a brief moment where it felt like you musta sneakily sent this to get that message through, LOL. (and sorta combine that part with the memory piece - more frustrations of feeling "off track" and disconnected from truly getting into my own and forgetting, as did seem to know when i was younger, yet been feeling so misaligned when attempting these days.)
i suppose in some ways, i almost sorta relate to her post-NDE 'depression,' though on a longer-term scale - like, i mighta similarly tapped into all those heights of bliss and clarity and knowing and such (probably not as intensely and clearly as her, more subtlely over a longer period of time) - and am like 'wtf fuck this' as diving back into the earthly density. of course, not to such a depth as attempting suicide. though perhaps a reflection of sorts to see that there surely's got to be the turning of cycles and may be slowly rising back into some stability where the integration & embodiment is inevitable. (so long as i surrender to / "trust the process" and actually allow myself the time and space to "recharge my batteries" as feel is needed.) 🤷♂️
An understandable reaction, but there's absolutely nothing to rationalize or defend, I'm not here to attack or judge, just purely curious. ^^
Nothing sneaky, I literally just went like 'huh, I wonder what Rok thinks about this' as soon as I heard about that music and rhythm part. Because to me that part that music is color, is symbols, is ..I would also add.. movement.. makes all the sense intuitively.. and then even add the "Music i liquid architecture. Architecture is frozen music" bit.. and it's just.. alchemy.. all, everything is alchemy.. and magic :D 🤯
Yeah.. I know. I had this (oh, what already some 8 years ago, sheesh) one very intense period of shifting between both polarities, like literally Heaven on Earth by day where the whole reality is shining, brimming with light, magic, and fullness of love and then crashlanding to a hellscape of viscerally feeling the abandonment of being cut off from that love by night.. where best I could do was lay in the bed and wish/will myself to die (with not a good success-rate I might add xD ).. It is also interesting, I probably have this somewhere in 'my contracts', that I'm not allowed to physically do anything to take my own life, but that if it was indeed that unbearable I can only 'wish/will myself to die', and if I'm not successful at it then apparently it wasn't THAT unbearable after all and that I CAN take more.
But yeah, the depression of knowing 'HOME' and being stuck in this soup.. is real. :D
But this whole experience has then also crystallized the purpose for me, which does not fit into 'this world's expectations of what a purpose should be', but it's to 'download' as much of 'HOME' into this realm as possible. But that's like,.. such a weird goal to think of it.. like how do you measure if you're being successful or not. How do you know if and how you should be doing something more or different.. that I'm not sure about yet. But I have some ideas of how I can lean in and improve in my 'mission'.
It's interesting with these NDE videos as well, they don't always flood my feed, but it feels like they appear only when I need reassurance. As they usually don't say anything I didn't already know/figure out before, they just come as confirmations.
~Josie~
It’s not really that compulsion to rationalize/defend to you, but either to myself or just in general… an expression of that constant battle within myself that gets reactivated whenever I think about it. Like thinking out loud on the matter in general.
The rest of that… you really do have a way with words sometimes… 💫
I sent 1.0 HUG on behalf of @josie2214.
(1/2)
Also, also, this cracked me up.. (substitute crocheting for drawing, but the sentiment holds) xD
’I am not in danger, I’m not going into battle, I’m sitting in a hammock in the sun…’
Yeah. 😹🤷♂️
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