Hello everyone, trust you are all having a good day or night this is my first time posting in this community but I've been going through the community feed and I feel I'd fit in quite well here so here's my short story
Photo by Will Porada from Unsplash
It was a sunny afternoon, Mark just finished drinking some chilled soda and was watching TV when it dawned on him that he had a date with Julia. They had planned to go on somewhat a mini adventure to some place called Cape Hatteras and spend the weekend. They hadn't been there before but Julia heard it was a lovely place for a date and personalIy Mark didn't care about the location as long as they were together. They planned to meet by 1pm. He looked at his wall clock it was 12:15pm, he still had time.
At 12:50pm there was a knock on the door
"Mark" someone called from the other side, It was Julia. He opened the door, she hugged him and gave him a little kiss
"How was your day" he asked
"it was fine thanks for asking, and you?" she replied
"Fine I guess, but I couldn't stop thinking about you"
She blushed a little
"Come inside and have a seat, let me just grab my bag and we'll be on our way"
He packed his bag and helped her move hers from her car to his
They had planned to get there using his yacht. It was going to be a fun weekend, just the two of them, excluding the yacht crew of course.
Photo by whoisbenjamin from Unsplash
On their way to Cape hatteras a little misunderstanding occurred
They were both on the deck looking into the ocean when Mark received a call from his mum, she told told him that there would be an important family meeting on Saturday evening and he had agreed to come without asking Julia for permission.
"wow, so you're just gonna leave me on my own" Julia said angrily
"No, its not like that" Mark replied
"Then what's it like" She shot back
"You can come if you want to" He said
"No I don't want to come, I want you to call your mum and tell her you won't be able to make it, I want to spend the entire weekend with you " She said hoping he would reconsider
"ugh, you know it's not that simple, it's important" he said
"So I'm not important?" She said clearly hurt as she walked away
Mark sighed
She would probably be sad for like the whole journey but once they got there she would cheer up he thought
Julia was laying on the lounge chair by the stern of the yacht, she had told all the help there to leave, she wanted to be alone for a while.
Next thing she knew she heard a strange sound, it was coming from the ocean. She walked towards the boat ladder and looked down, at first she didn't see anything but then she noticed something and it was swimming very fast towards her, she jumped back in shock and was about to raise alarm, but not knowing what she had seen she looked in again, and to her surprise it was just a dolphin.
She tried to pat its head but it swam away
She laughed a little thinking about what would happen if she had raised alarm.
She stood up to go back to where she was laying when something grabbed her leg, she screamed and tried to remove what looked to be a very ugly and semi scaled human hand trying to pull her into the water
Almost everyone on the yacht heard her screams but although Mark was the first to get there he was to late,
"Julia" he screamed
"Julia where are you?"
"Why did you leave her alone “ he shouted angrily at the just arriving crew
At that moment the waves began to grow to unnatural heights and the boat began to shake violently
He called the lifeguard to prepare scuba equipment and a small boat so they could go find Julia
But before all of that could be arranged the boat was hit with a very big wave, a wave so big it flipped the boat
Mark was spinning when he opened his eyes, He couldn't tell which direction was up, Then he saw a strange creature, it looked somehow like a human being but its entire body was covered with scales. It noticed he saw it and began to spin, it spun so fast it created another large wave which swept Mark away
Next thing Mark knew he was on a seashore coughing out water, he couldn't remember what had happened prior to that moment
He stood up and something dropped to the ground, It was Julia's camera, like a flood his memory came rushing back, tears dropped from his eyes
"You're important, You're important"
Photo by Gantas Vaičiulėnas from Pexels
Thank you for taking your time to read this post, your support and feedback is highly appreciated have a good day
Welcome to The Ink Well, @b0s! You are correct. You fit in fine. This story shows imagination and verbal fluency. You create a dynamic between two people that has conflict at its core. They are attached to each other, and yet they have interests that pull them apart. The introduction of the mother in the relationship is familiar. So often a man is caught in the tug between mother and girlfriend/wife. It looked as though you might be going in that direction, but no! You did something original. You created a scene where the girlfriend is taken away suddenly and the boyfriend realizes how much she really meant to him. You resolved the conflict (the job of every story teller) but in an unexpected and tragic way.
A good first story. I hope to read more from you in the future.
Thanks for your analysis I hope to continue to contribute to this wonderful community
Welcome to the Ink Well community, @b0s! You start off with a tragic tail in which the protagonist gains insight. We hope to read more stories from you.
Please acquaint yourself with our rules and our Manifesto. The rules are simple, but important. And, please be sure to comment on at least two stories of other community writers each week. That is also very important.
A great story!
Never mind, not all stories end in a pleasant way especially the love stories so if this story ended that way, there is nothing new. Cheers, have a nice time, and keep telling us more stories!
Hi, @b0s. Welcome to @theinkwell! This is an interesting, complex story, playing with tension, for example when the dolphin appears, and with a fantastic denouement. A fish man takes julia and Mark is left on a beach with a sense of guilt.
Thanks a lot hopefully you'll see a lot more from me in the future
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STOPTo support your work, I also upvoted your post!
First off, I want to say welcome to The Inkwell community!
Your story is a captivating one, and it's a really creative use of the prompt. However, I'm not quite satisfied with the way it ended with a mystery. I'm sure every reader would want to know more about the creature that wrecked the couple's yacht and the fate of Julia and the other passengers.
Still, it's a really good story!
I initially didn't plan on ending it but after completing this part I realized I had to complete it, I'm working on it at the moment once I'm done ill post it
Thanks for your feedback
Yay, now you have me looking forward to it!
:)
@hillarypowers Im having a little problem finishing this story would you mind helping me out
Are you on discord?
Welcome @b0s, and thank you for joining us. The Ink Well is a great place for short story writers who want to develop their skills. You will find that the admin team and others will tell you what they liked about your story, and give you ideas about how you can improve. It's a great way to learn and grow.
One thing you might want to do is add periods to the ends of your sentences. :-)
Happy to be here
Sorry, I'm not quite sure what you mean could you please explain a bit further
Hello @b0s. Welcome to The Ink Well Community. You have a natural way of telling a story. Your thought process flows from one thought to the other. I like how you introduce friction early on in the story by way of the girlfriend / mother drama and deciding which obligation is more important. Reading that his initial reaction was to make sure his obligation to his family came first, I knew this would not sit well with the lady in his life if the obligation could be postponed.
However, I knew your readers were in store for another episode with the couple. I wasn't quite sure what direction it would take. Knowing couples and issues, I thought maybe an issue would arise that would bring them closer together.
You surprised me with the sudden death of his girlfriend with an unknown creature in disguise as a non-threatening animal many admire. This facade assisted the monster in catching his girlfriend off guard, thus overpowering her.
The fact that your character didn't suffer any physical damage from the encounter, then ended up washed ashore is an unusual twist.
In the end he does realize his feeling for her were stronger than he had originally acknowledged.
You already received comments on the structure of your story in terms of grammar. You may want to consult useful posts published by the Community to assist in improving your posts. Just check out the Ink Well Community page.
Nice story. Thanks for sharing. Have a good start to your week.
Thanks for the analysis and the advice I'll be sure to check out your posts for improvement