Yesterday I sent a happy birthday message to an old friend and I happened to be at the very place we met 13 years ago. I thought it’d be nice to send a picture and reminisce about old times there.
My friend was not pleased, in fact. “Thanks for the birthday wishes man, but fuck that place”. He then proceeded to send me walls and walls of text about how he doesn’t understand why the owner of that place wasn’t more of a friend. To be fair, I knew that they had a falling out, and I don’t think my friend was in the wrong. I also know he was much closer with the owner than me. A lot of people might fault me for not being more sensitive of my friends feelings.
It’s honestly not something that even came to my mind though because the good times were far more abundant than the bad for him, and it’s been over 10 years. I don’t really know how to hold a grudge that long.
My first reaction is “the boss is a decent but emotionally stunted human being, can’t force him to grow up, good memories though, right?”. Holding a grudge doesn’t hurt anyone except yourself... and you can easily just focus on the good if you try.
My friend, however, was only reminded of how none of the people there had been real friends, how fake it was, how much he is “over it”. But he is clearly not over it.
I’m not belittling how he feels at all. I get it. I think he doesn’t realize how he is slightly traumatized by the way people treated him and hasn’t allowed himself to move past it because he was so innocent when he was younger. He that he thought friends meant friends forever. He thought friends can share everything and forgive each other. He didn’t realize just how emotionally stunted some people are. From my understanding, there was no big event that happened, eventually the boss just got tired of his overly enthusiastic personality, and careless behavior when drunk and told him to fuck off. Not nice. Especially since they were so close.
Still man, 10 years. It sucks that he can’t remember any of the good times we had there.
I wish I could help him more but at the same time I sense that he doesn’t really want to get over it.
I can’t relate to this kind of long-held negative feelings. I suppose I could when I was younger but at some point I just learned to let it all go.
I want to feel good. If it means facing demons, I do it. If it means changing myself, I do it. If it means forgiving people who didn’t earn forgiveness, I do it. I don’t sacrifice my moral compass, but at the end of the day, loving life is always the goal, and I don’t want to contribute to anything contrary to that.
“Getting over it” hurts. It’s fucking hard. I’m not trivializing it. But if you look in terms of “net gain” and “net loss”, facing the pain is always the better option, as long as you don’t spin out of emotional control into a downward spiral.
Perhaps it’s easier for me because I was forced to do all this in stages from a very early age? Perhaps I’m already numb because I’ve been hurt so many times? I don’t think I’m broken anymore, not like I used to be.
I have been ignored, backstabbed, gossiped about, lied to....far too many times to recall. At this point in my life, the only question I ask is “is this going to impact me negatively” and if the answer is no, my response is usually “well shit, that sucks” before shifting my focus and forgetting about it.
I remember the woman who I was supposed to start a business with planning everything with me only to steal all my ideas AFTER I took the huge risk of quitting my job, leaving me penniless.
It's ok. I’m over it. Don’t get me wrong, it has definitely left me a little more wary to work with others or to share ideas with the wrong people, and it sucked really bad....but I can also remember the good times I had with her and our mutual friend fondly. I wouldn’t speak well of her but I would only speak ill of her to protect someone or to stop her from doing something bad to others.
I know that she wasn’t trying to hurt me. She was just scared and too childish to be straightforward and ended up using me as a result. It sucked and if I see her, I can’t say I’d be thrilled. But I don’t have any desire for revenge, nor does she cause me intense sadness 7 years later.
I don’t know what makes me so “forgiving”. I don’t even think it’s forgiving. I mean, if she came to me asking for a favor, I’d tell her to jump off a bridge. If I saw her, I’d feel awkward but I wouldn’t be rude. I’d just have a protective wall.
I want to tell my friend to “just get over it”, but at the same time, I can’t understand his personal experience of it, I know he had an awfully abusive partner at the time, and no one can understand exactly how our own individual experiences as children shape how we feel things as adults. Still, I think it’s always better to get over it. Sometimes people suck. Best to focus on when they don’t, as long as you have sufficient defense against those who will abuse you.
I’m not saying I don’t value relationships or that I think it’s ok to lie or cheat. I think what was said and done to my friend was childish and disrespectful, unfair and hurtful. I just think you need thick skin in this world.
People are fucked up. We are still working through some serious generational trauma from world wars and slaveries and poverty and disaster and all kinds of other atrocities. But as fucked up as people are, I feel like the fact that we have come so far is proof enough that we will be ok, that we are just working our shit out.
There is always good to see in this world. No amount of awfulness is an excuse not to see it. It can be hard sometimes, but that’s where empowerment comes from.
Maybe I’ll send this post to my friend. I hope he doesn’t mind that I spoke about him. I suppose it’s not problem because I didn’t say who he is. I hope this can give him some kind of inspiration...we will see.
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Very nice reflection, @selfhelp4trolls. When we hold a grudge we carry a suitcase full of shit that doesn't even serve as compost, because of how toxic it is. There will always be treacherous, evil, exploited and disloyal people, perhaps it is part of human nature, I don't know; The important thing is not to become a boxing pear so that anyone can come and attack us, if we do not learn from our experiences and protect ourselves. When we forgive, it is not that we are making total peace with that person, and all peace and love, and we eat cookies together, no; It is simply to remove that hatred, pain, sadness and anger from our hearts and keep distance from that person, but without remembering them, simply processing what they did to us, learning from them and sending them straight to oblivion, that is my perception; because staying close to someone who screwed you up implies that they will do it again, that is, they will betray you again, because they have already lost their modesty. Anyway, there is something inexorable in this life, and this is the Law of the Circle, that is impossible to evade, and sooner or later whoever screwed you, will receive triple or more than what they did to you. A hug.
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Yes, All very well said! In some cases it may be that we do eat cookies together. There was one person who gave me the most sincerest apology after being insensitive on many occasions. I made distance from her and 2 years later she said the most beautiful apology.
This has been rare though. More often I make distance and let go of the bitterness and try to just move on.
That is way too long, he definitely needs to move on. Well, in one sense I assume this friend is not a Hiver. This brings me to one of the reasons I feel more freedom on Hive than other social networks. My FB friends are family aren't here, so I do feel I can be real and discuss events from my daily life that I would never discuss on the dreaded FB. I am very careful about who I onboard to this platform.
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Yaa, I mean to be fair, it was his only time living overseas and he was young and I think it kind of shut him out from the rest of the world and made him hesitant of straying too far from his comfort zone, whereas I kept pushing my limit. He cleaned up his life a whole lot though, so I think he's making good progress, just hope he can let go of those heavy feelings
I'm trying to slowly connect my different worlds wherever possible. It's not easy and there are some people I know better than to invite here (my boss, potential business partner that didn't pan out even though we still talk, some of my students who aren't open to a lot of things or some particular thing) but for anyone who carries little to no consequence, I try to be as open as possible. Not quite ready for my parents, but hoping that day will come. They already accept that I'm a “spiritual anarchist artist” (just a few quick labels for simplification) and that I prioritize facing my fears over stability so maybe soon?
I get it though!
sometimes it hard to deal with others, everyone have many things in there mind and its hard to understand others feelings and let them be whatever there state of mind.
Right, I am still thinking about if I should send this to my friend or not
forgot the past sir , there is nothing you can sir. The exception case is if you have a time travel machine or a portal by which you can fix things.
Don't regret sir next time just try different approach 😀🙏
I remember when I used to hold stupidly long grudges. I stopped at some point, got better things to do xD Maybe some people can't move on because the brain tries to work the situation out but is blocked/prevented by cognitive dissonance.
Not sure what the mechanics of it are. I just knew I couldn't live like that. Perhaps I am lucky to have been fucked over so many times at just the right rate so that I could maintain some faith in humanity. 😆