I felt like I overestimated my strength and underestimated my weakness. Have you ever felt like just when you are handling things so well life starts smacking you up?
This is how I'm feeling at the moment. I feel lost and broken. And this is not just "one of those days". I feel like I've overstayed my welcome at the rock bottom. I've been rock-bottoming for so long that I am no longer needed there. Maybe it's time for me to move past this phase and rethink my choices.
I think this place, where I am right now, is becoming "too much" for me to handle. I am talking about the whole island and the people in it. Back in the day, I wished for this so-called "simple life", like living away from the city and its superficiality and all the mindless consumerism, stress, and urban lifestyle.
Fast forward, here I am now in the midst of our beautiful nature. After quitting financial security and aimless wanderings, I now found myself "kind of living life on my own terms". But all with a cost.
Beneath the surface is unimaginable darkness. So I wished for things and now I have it. I should be living happily now right? But I should have known that the jungle can be a hostile place especially for those who don't belong in it. Out there are wild animals, nasty bugs, poisonous plants, and whatnot. And if you are not prepared, you are in great danger.
I don't know anymore how many times I've been the subject of the cruelty of people as a collective unit. And of insecure men who pushed me down because I don't need them to live. And of insecure women who thought I am a threat to their husbands. And of those who thought I have more to give.
And if they see you, an outsider, living on your own and worse, single, you will definitely be picked on. Without even doing anything. I am appalled at how much I can effortlessly piss people off just with the way I dress or just by my mere presence or just by simply being Me. I didn't realize how a supposedly "simple life" turned out to be toxic.
I mean I get it before moving here you should have your nose at the same level as everyone else. It's a given thing especially in a narrow-minded town where it's all about modesty and humility. Over the past 3 years, I've done everything that I could to adapt, like made friends with the locals (technically I'm a local too being from this country), changed the way I dress, lose that confident aura and be more "humble", and all that jazz to make them feel better. Yes, all to the point of changing myself so as not to awaken their deep-seated insecurities.
I had never been treated with such great hostility. It's sad to have these harsh experiences in my own country. I had an introspective analysis and thought the whole time it was me. The toxic experiences injected me with anxiety and self-doubt. I felt alone and helpless but never showed it. I didn't have much of a choice but to be strong - all for the dream.
People have a way to push the boundaries or take advantage of you because you seem alone and vulnerable. Townsfolk get their strength in numbers. But I had enough of their ways and I want to keep my peace. I need to protect my life too because I have so many things to do in this magical lifetime. I learned to stay away from the drama by keeping my head low as I walk from the street straight to my place - every day. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. You try to get along with them and they will push you further into their toxicity. And the more you stay away, the more they want your attention. Because you are a walking mystery. A walking threat. People don't like what they cannot know. Unless people have lived somewhere else or had some "education" or learned civilized human decency, anywhere you go on this island, I swear it's all going to be the same.
Don't fall for the tourists' quote, "people are nice". So far I've learned, nice people are the meanest people.
This is why I stopped glamorizing this whole moving to a small town with a nice nature and living a simple life. Sure, it could be different somewhere else or somewhere "more advanced". But if you are an attractive woman who is strong, independent, a go-getter, likes to be herself without fear of judgments, comfortable in her own skin, values privacy, and no problems being alone, this kind of place is definitely not for you. I suggest don't even follow my path unless you have friends or a partner who will support you and be with you all the way. Or unless you are mentally and physically strong to face all the challenges. Because honestly, I don't even know how I pulled this off. All I know now is that it's greatly affecting my mental well-being and I don't know anymore how to tackle this mess inside my head.
I mean don't get me wrong, this is a good place in terms of cost of living. I can even live off my cryptocurrency earnings and like really live simply. My tourism business is here in which I do enjoy a lot. But you all know that this is not happening right now thanks to Pandemic. I can bear with all the struggles of small-town living for as long as I am doing what I truly enjoy. Because then things start to fade in the background. Or maybe it will help to have someone here with me or "my people", I don't know. But right now, without my passion and purpose, my life is nothing but a slow and silent death.
I appreciate you all who stick with me through all this and thank you for accepting me for what I am. Your thoughts would be helpful at this moment.
previously, previously, previously,
Try posting in communities OCD GEMS, you have better exposure.
I will.
We're going to have to dig deep this is going to be a fundamental change on so many levels and because we fight and struggle against it, it means it only takes longer to set in so we prolong the pain instead of taking it head on, that's human nature I suppose. I hope soon you will be able to get back to what you love and use your passion to earn a living, that's all any of us can hope for
I hope it is just as easy as leaving the situation and not prolonging the pain... as if there's another place to go to.
On the other hand, I don't want to lose my sanity.
Soon it will be better right, that's what we hope for.
Very few of us have the knowledge to live in the wild as we've been thoroughly modernized. If I was young and Youtube existed when I was young and attempting such things I might have had better luck. See Jake and Nicole living in their Yurt on one of the islands. But they also had the means to purchase the land which is primary in these times.
If one is an alt. type personality without the means (especially if one has an ethical compass) then life is simply a neverending struggle. I get it.
It is just damned hard to do it all on your own right? Unless you have dumb luck in the world or some unearned privilege or a savior of course.
Well, I'd likely have enjoyed this trip more if I had company:P
I know
It Could Have Been Us Minus the Fish
Poor Feliz:(((
is it the only place you can move? I don't think it's really worth it if you are dealing with constant hostility and having to change yourself, unless there's a great reward, if not why still stay there?
It's not easy to move out and find a cheap place in the city (where there are higher virus cases) or stay here and bear with this.
The only great reward is my business. Hopefully soon, this whole pandemic will be over.
ugh, sorry to hear that. But yeah, do post on GEMS or OCD, I think it has better exposure there. Good luck and be safe.