The human desire to be liked and accepted by others, is one of the greatest enslavers of modern time.
Invisible bars, though.
Consider how many principles are not pursued, and visions are not voiced, for fear of rejection from a particular clan or tribe.
Oonga oonga. We walk upright now.
We won't necessarily starve, or be excommunicated, for wanting something different from the pack.
And if starvation or excommunication is truly a possibility, is that really the kind of pack you can best flourish in, anyway?
We can exercise far more autonomy and independence, than we typically do.
But the ties -- whichever kind of tie it may be -- the ties that bind us are STRONG, like:
- emotional ties;
- psychological ties;
- familial ties;
- religious ties;
- marital ties;
- military ties;
- traditional ties;
- cultural ties;
- athletic ties;
- competitive ties;
- romantic ties;
- spiritual ties;
- sexual ties;
- financial ties;
- professional ties;
- political ties;
- ideological ties; and
- _______________ ties (please add any that I missed in the comments).
That is a lot of webbing.
Unchecked, you can get ensnared in the stickiness of trying to keep others happy, and un-disappointed.
Even more so, if you are a highly sensitive or empathic person, because it's easy to confound someone else's emotional state, with your own.
TIP: Everything you feel, is not your feeling! Ambient feelings are everywhere. The more stressed and populated an area, the edgier the ambience. The more relaxed and remote an area, the smoother the ambience.
So it's good to regularly sift through that webbing, and treat it like a social hygiene.
Examine each sticky line. Ask yourself if it gives you enough value, to justify its restriction of your movement (as all ties do)?
Do this sifting not to be an asshole. But to be aligned. With your own agenda.
The world will ALWAYS have ideas of how we should spend our greatest currencies -- which are (perceived) Time/Minutes, and Attention/Focus.
When I grasped HOW REFLECTIVE MY MIND IS -- when I started experiencing it as the Womb of Everything -- I couldn't help but guard it as the Generator that it is. It deserves more watchful care than it typically receives. Hence, so many miscreations. But plenty of sweet, life-changing manifestations, too.
To be SINCERE is to be free from pretense or deceit; proceeding from genuine feelings.
This is the only way I want to deal with others.
More and more, I'm having very honest encounters, like the following note sent to a friend, who gave me permission to publicly share it, without their identity.
This person had checked to see if an online meeting with me the next day would be possible, and this was my reply:
______________, thank you, beautiful soul, for this chance to practice an epiphany I was gifted by precious peyote… Social.Honesty.
It is confessional.
I don’t know why -- because I so very much love talking with you -- but I am lacking zeal about this ________________.
When I explored why, I found two possibilities:
(1) It feels like scope-creep. What was originally intended to be _______________, has already 10X’d lol, and we’re still going for more! That wouldn’t be a problem, except for the fact that I’m not feeling hospitable at the moment.
Is it okay to be this granularly honest? I hope so, because it’s part of my medicine. I’ll elaborate on my inhospitality in #2! 🙂
(2) My peyote honeymoon has not ended. I am in a super special sublime space, and ::GULP:: I don’t want to make room for anything that’s Not This, right now… I don’t want to disturb my Sweet Lunar, to host/attend a ____________ that I don’t fully feel the purpose of.
Too far, too much?
I love you. Which is why I even dared. ❤
Immediately after I sent that, the only thing I could hear
both inside and outside of my head was: bitch!Bitch!!BITCH!!!
Self-doubt tried to engulf me (recovering people-pleaser),
even though I hadn't said one unkind thing!
Where did all the social fragility come from? How and why did honesty become mistaken for rudeness, harshness, coldness, cruelty, BEING A BAD THING???
That is a perversion.
It's perverse to feel guilty about telling the truth.
It's perverse to feel okay about lying as a lifestyle.
To create and share sincere communication that can
actually move relationships and projects forward:
Sit with the part of your message that feels the HARDEST to say. In my experience, there is proportion between how difficult or dreadful a thing is to say, and how liberated you and the circumstance will be, once it is said. In kindness, of course.
What is the medicine in the venom? Answering this question is meditative/imaginative work. There is always an answer to this question. As the answer reveals itself to you, it converts the venom to nectar that reveals the most agreeable possibility for all.
Show some belly. Risk some vulnerability. As you speak or write, INCLUDE a little of what you most fear showing. That makes what you're saying irresistibly human and relatable.
Expressing yourself sincerely makes it easier for others to know and respect you. Your messages -- both personal and professional -- will be perceived and received as clear, consistent and resonant.
People will be both repelled by your sincere expression, and also attracted to it. Those impulses are organic networking, which is effortless, visceral, and voluntary.
Oh, and the person on the receiving end of my note, and I, have just as much affection for each other as we did the day prior. Moreso, probably, because our connection has proven to be a mature one, that allows for our real/sincere self.
Hi Erika,
Your post is so true.
People will be both repelled by your sincere expression, and also attracted to it. Those impulses are organic networking, which is effortless, visceral, and voluntary.
I have had a couple of repelled meetings here in Aca, I was told I am to happy? I felt sad for her for saying that?
Never a bad time to be HAPPY!
I felt nothing but LOVE and ACCEPTANCE from everyone last night at the Halloween party.
Thank you and everyone that was there for making me feel welcome and loved.
BE WELL.... hugs! :)
@healthiswealth: Randy! It was so great meeting you last night! You are absolutely EASY to love and accept. 💗
I also feel sorrow for the woman who disapproved of your happiness (wtf?!), but rejoice that you are spared an inevitable source of antagonism and negativity.
When joy is in your core -- as I saw in you, and as I've allowed to be revived in me -- it is painful to forge close relationships with people who choose misery.
So I always count "rejections" like those, as a solid win for my personal investments of time, attention and energy. It's insane to befriend someone who would negate you (which is very different than constructive criticism).
I thoroughly enjoy your company, and look forward to sharing more fun times together. 😊
Abrazos, new friend!
Hi Erica, thanks for the kind words.
My core is full of love and joy always ready to help and revive.
Rejections or Negative comments help me grow with compassion to become the man I strive to be.
Have you seen Cloud Atlas?
I am glad our paths are bound and crossing again in this time and space.
Be well... hugs!
I humbly acknowledge that you are my elder in this regard, @healthiswealth.
Rejection and negative comments EVENTUALLY lead me to compassion. But first, they piss me off! lol
No, I haven't seen Cloud Atlas. Why do you recommend it?
Hello Erika,
When one trains to see others mistakes as if was done by a unknowing child, it takes the pissed off attitude from arising and brings about gratitude and appreciation.
I do recommend Cloud Atlas for anyone whom has had that feeling that they have met others they they have met from another time.
Huge Grant, Tom Hanks and Haley Barry place 7 roles in the movie, along with numerous other famous actors playing multiple roles. At the end of the movie they show you who is whom in the movie.. hard to capture and get it all in the first watch unless you smoke a fatty and focus.
If you ever wish to chat, I am on Wire @healthiswealth or even better appear.in/healthiswealth way better then Skype. [email protected]
Smoke a fatty, and focus on Cloud Atlas. Sounds like a winner. As does that cast! I sent a request on Wire.
Cloud Atlas Rocks as does Weed ;)
Got you now on Wire but still no phone so I may be delayed to respond immediately.
Looking forward to getting together with you.
A great read Erika... and not easy question to answer; find myself internally debating "sincere" vs. "truthful." Are they the same, all the time? We may sincerely express our concerns to our boss, but we may not be directly truthful if it means we'll be out of a job tomorrow. Sarah is fond of using the term "situational ethics."
I tend to be very sincere although I am also a recovering people pleaser... to some extent. To a different extent, I am a recovering hermit, bypassing the whole issue by simply avoiding many interactions (quite voluntarily)... I have no real axe to grind, and no flag to wave for a cause; a tendency I have had since childhood-- preferring my own company to that of others, and thereby bypassing much of the BS of the world; seeing it, recognizing it and deliberately saying "I choose not to be part of that."
I could ramble at length here, but I shall refrain...
Sincerity was a challenge in the HSP community (just an example) where many really needed to be told that they were hiding serious types of mental and psychological illnesses behind a convenient label that allowed them to not deal with their issues by hiding behind a convenient label. I got tired of being "the bad guy" and I got tired of being "told off" because truth was disturbing... so I stepped away. Is that a lack of sincerity? Allowing lies to live on?
Beats me...
Peace and bright blessings!
Good read. I actually found myself feeling as if I am somehow repulsive to others as I get this "arrogant" word thrown at me a lot. It sent me on this whole trip of questioning myself and the way others perceive me. It also made me feel like pulling away socially. Still presently debating and feeling like that. I mean, we want people to think the world of us....I thought I would be judged by my deeds and heart. What I have come to learn though, is even when you may be questioning yourself it is the unmatched love of others in relation to the value that you put into other people that is lacking. In other words, we can't always expect the two way street of relationships to be both lanes equal. Sometimes your lane will be the widest and while others have their own lane of how they treat you accordingly, nevertheless it may not match yours. I love myself, I know who I am. I know what I've done for others. I stick to that.
Thanks for your thoughtful comment, @geechidan. You certainly owe me no answers, but here are a couple questions that came to my mind, for your consideration:
Those who call you arrogant... are they people you aspire to be like?
How are they admirable to you, so that their opinion warrants influencing your behavior?
SOMETIMES that particular word is used by people who still prefer to shrink themselves, and they feel odd or annoyed by others who aren't sorry for their big wings or bright lights.
Hmm...didn't expect a follow up. pleasantly surprised by your question as it does make me feel a bit depressed at times and i feel a need to talk about it. No...I don't aspire to be like those who may feel i come across as arrogant. I'm a "big thinker"...and I usually aim very high, not in vain though, as I usually have knowledge and research and talent, to back up my aims...I've heard some say it's how I talk...but I don't talk down to anyone or anything like that...so i didn't accept that. I think you're right about the "big wings" part....Though at the same time I don't want to denounce what the individuals around me aim for. But I am partcularily different from many of my peers is tht I don't accept defeat and in instances where I should give in, I don't....even if my giving in is me "not giving a f@8$ " as maybe they would. I don't accept that I can't break or bend anything to my liking....to my pleasure...to my goal...especially if the goal is deserving of everyone with a good heart and societal intention. So yea...I think some people aren't as audacious in life...and they would very much so like you to move as silently and as humble as them...
Ser sincero y dar lo mejor de nosotros siempre ♥
¡Ese es un gran consejo! Muchisimo gracias. 🌸
It's a principle we ought to adhere to when it comes to business and marketing too.
Just be sincere. No tricks whatsoever. Success will work itself out that way.
Love that, @aldentan! No tricks! 🐇 Just the treat of success, YES! :-)
I suggest making a poster out of your 3 recommendations. I'd buy several!
Aw, what a sweet suggestion, @mikeonfire. Thanks :-)
What should I comment? This is very nice.
Thanks, @teukumukhlis :-)
Great read . Sincere .
Thanks, @navala :-)
i alao belive this. sincerity and honesty. Whether you are a saint or a sinner.
Yes, @markperandin... the freedom found in honesty is for all of us :-)
It is so easy to always try to accommodate others’ requests and set aside our own needs. Thanks for the gentle reminder.