Here we go again. My dad's anger filled the house. Over what? I can't remember.
I'm a failure.... I'm 21 years old, and I haven't moved out yet.
I've never even owned a fucking car.
I'm the first person in my family to attend college. I pay every penny out of my pocket. In an attempt to avoid those hideous student loans.
Between school and working 2 part time jobs. I was in severe medical debt. I had to get my appendix removed, and I didn't have health insurance. Because what 21 years old can? ( Before the existence of Obama care)
I got most of the bills waived, but I still had to pay a large chunk.
I just had a fight with my dad. The usual. I don't do enough chores, I'm a failure because I'm not moved out, I'm also a bitch, I'm worthless, among other things.
I laid on my bed in my dark room in silence.
I tried in life, but I failed.
I don't have any friends I only have my boyfriend. Whom I've been dating for three years at the time. He also lived with his parents. He struggled to get a job. But like most people, he does his best.
I laid silently trying not to cry.
Crying is a sign of weakness. I'm no weak ass mother fucker.
But I thought of ways to end it all.
My dad has never been a loving person. He's emotionally abusive he's some narcissist.
Sometimes I wonder if having a just a mom and no dad is easier than an emotionally abusive father.
My mom tries to calm him.
But she too affected by his head games and emotional trauma.
She has become a hollow shell of a person. She's hardly even living. But she fights to keep herself alive because death terrifies her..
I couldn't take it anymore. I texted my boyfriend about the fight. And my broken heart.
I've never been on any prescription meds, and I'm your typical "good girl" no smoking, no drinking or drugs for me.
But today I've had enough
I have a health condition I was born with. That makes me allergic to everything. I'll go into detail about that in another post. But Benadryl has always been my best friend.
Without benadryl, I'd be stuck in the house all day. Benadryl cures my allergic reactions so I can live.
Can the same substance cause me to die?
I filled up my hand. Full of the little pink pills.
I poured over 100 of them into my mouth gradually swallowing then with water filled gulps.
the flavor was disgusting. It reminded me of the taste of heartburn
I'll die in little pain. I'll die. This will be over soon. I told my boyfriend I loved him; I told him what I did. Then I laid back in bed encouraging myself to sleep.
The Benadryl worked its magic, putting me to sleep for about twenty minutes.
I woke up to my body Jerking. My brain was not functioning.
I told myself to go back to sleep as I laid back down.
I couldn't sleep. I was agitated beyond belief.
I tried to calm myself, but I was Jerking I couldn't hold still. My body filled with agitation. I reached for my phone texting as I felt like screaming.
the words on my phone faded away.... They became a white blur, I couldn't see the screen.
I was wide awake. I was aware, but I was now
blind.
Everything around me was a massive blur of color. I couldn't tell what anything was. I tried to get out of bed. But I could no longer stand. I began puking my guts out onto my carpet floor. I tasted Benadryl.
ICould feel the pills hitting the floor. In a nasty blend of stomach acid.
Maybe I'll be free of the effects?
I was wrong
Puking didn't do shit to end the suffering I was faced with. I got weaker, Agitated and tired. I couldn't sleep, But I couldn't stop jerking and moving.
I felt so nauseated.
The dizziness made me want to puke more.
I couldn't even remember why I was upset at that point; I just wanted the sickness to go away. I worried about dying.
I don't want to die, I want to survive this
I didn't want the attention from family, so I stayed in my room.
I wanted water, But I would have to somehow crawl down to the kitchen, I couldn't even see.
I reached for my phone. My boyfriend could help!!
I tried to text him
"help Me"
Nothing happened.
I kept trying to text him over and over,
He was panicked. All he was receiving was gibberish.
He tried to understand what I was trying to say! But None of it made any sense.
It was random letters like this "ioeurejfsjjsjfdjs jflkdsjflksddjks"
I couldn't see, so I had no idea what I was doing.
We often think we can text full messages without being able to see, But when you are blind and sick. It's almost impossible no matter how much effort you put into it.
I can't die. I need to live; I know I can make something of myself I'm trying... I'm trying!
I had no idea that this would be my last suicide attempt.
I had to wait out the struggle. I had to endure the consequences of taking so many pills at once. No one knew the hell I was enduring in the confines of my bedroom.
When the symptoms started to die down hours later. I noticed my vision slowly started coming back.
Never has everything looked so beautiful. I could make out the objects and the items I have, And I loved it.
I reached for my phone to text my boyfriend, and I realized I couldn't see the screen. The phone screen was completely blurred still. Anything with a screen was blurry for some reason. Any lit screen.
It forced me to think about what I had done.
It's not worth it
The most one can do in life is their best.
And I realized after that day that it doesn't matter what people think of me, It only matters what I think of myself. There are so many "poisonous" People in this world. You should avoid them, Not let them wear you down. It doesn't matter if the person is family or not. Some people need to be cut loose.
So glad you are still here! That sounds so scary! I can only imagine how it would feel growing up the way you have and it doesn't surprise me that you felt this way. You are so much stronger than the negative people around you! I wish your sister could get to the same place in her head.
Thank you! I was wondering what you were going to think when you saw it! haha. Growing up was hard. I'm sure you can see why.
I feel like in time, She eventually will hopefully.
@kaylinart like you, I am allergic to everything also. For 20 years I have fought with these allergies. I have tried everything, Benadryl, Reactine, and so on, the drugs work for a while and then start to lose their effect. Eventually I had to stop using the anti-histamins and try a more natural approach. My chronic Urticaria and blinding headaches only left me after months eating a 100% raw vegan diet. I was cured of all allergies for years, until my habits started to change a little and I allowed more processed foods back in the diet. Then all the allergies started coming back. I got so bad the last time that I was even allergic to the tap water in the shower. Everything would set off my hives and rashes. Then reasontly I discovered a little known fact. Our body's water regulation system is linked to histomine production. The more dehydrated we are, the more histamine our body produces and therefore our system gets allergic to everything.
I'm sorry the market is about to start, so I have to get working, but if your interested in this subject and how i finally figured out a real cure to my allergies, I can keep explaining and give you info a bit later
Ugh!! What is your Urticaria exactly?
I have cold Urticaria, It's awful because I live in Utah. Which is often cold.
Wow! I had no idea that dehydration contributes to that. I Need to drink more water.
Please write an article about it I'd love to read it :)
Yes, I probably should write an article on this subject. My chronic Urticaria is triggered by all sorts of allergies, to food, to temperature, to pressure, to animal dander and to chemicals. Basically I'm allergic to the world around me. Before when I managed to stop the urticaria for years, it ws due to changing my diet to a raw food vegan diet. But I now think that really my miraculous cure was really due to eating a more water based diet. Raw foods are 80% water. And while I thought that I was doing great because of all that nutrition. It turns out that I can get similar results by just increasing my water drinking. Here is a video of how Histamines are related or controlled by water consumption. ... If you just fast forward to 9mins in this doctor will explain the link between histamine production and water.
Wow. . . raw. . . thank you for sharing something so personal.
No problem. I was a bit scared to publish this one!
Yes, wow, I felt so emotional reading this. It's a terrifically powerful, articulate, piece of writing, particularly set besides all your beautiful tranquil pencil drawings. As others have said, thank you for sharing.
Thank you :) I'm glad you felt the emotion hehe.
blessings to you
This sums it all up. No one is perfect and we all have flaws. Seperate the toxic people from your life and build it into something beautiful.
@kaylinart today was not your day, you have a purpose in life! Keep pushing and searching!
I don't know your beliefs, nor do I feel like beliefs matter in this instance. - Just know that I am sending up prayers for peace, comfort and clarity in your life and I'm sending positive vibes your way! Stay strong! Your followers here on Steemit believe in you!
Thank you! So much for your kindness :) This happened a year ago . I felt the need to shed light on it! I am very happy :) Thank you!
No, thank you for sharing.
Just know that you have friends here!
A year ago or today, good vibes are still headed your way! :)
Btw, I'm glad that you are happy now!
Thank you ehhe. :) I'm so glad for all my Steemit friends :)
Respect for sharing this story. I'm glad you still alive kaylin.
Bear up!
Thank you very much hehee.
It takes most people many years, if ever, to learn that lesson. You came out the other side a better and wiser person. It is unfortunate that you had to endure that. However, I would bet that you felt stronger as the negative influences went away. In Steemit as in life, a Power Up makes sense.
Exactly! It was a good experience overall because I learned from it, and I didn't lose my life. hah.
As someone who's almost been there (I had never quite gotten to the point of actually trying to kill myself, but believe me I was close) this post cut straight to my heart.
Thank you for sharing and for the encouraging words.
Aww I'm sorry you've dealt with that too! It's amazing how a human can get to that point. I'm glad you are still here today :)
Hang in there.
Thank you :)
"Dreadful suffering at night. I would often wake up in extreme feeling of dread and fear; consumed by dread and fear. The whole world seemed alien. I saw the thought one night, I woke up again and the thought came, I can't live with myself any longer. I just can't live with myself any longer, it's so painful. And that thought repeated itself a few times. And then suddenly, something happened inside me and I looked at the thought. That was of course awareness. I didn't know at that time what it was. I became aware of the thought and I said, I cannot live with myself.
That's strange, so there must be "I" and there must be "myself". Am I one or two? I seem to be two.
Because if "I" can’t live with "myself", there must be two of me here.
And then I became aware of the structure of the sentence. And said if that's the case, then who is the self that I cannot live with? And who am I?
And that moment of separation happened completely between the essential eye, which is the essential consciousness that I am, beyond past and future; the eternal stillness.
But awake stillness. And all my thought processes which were ego would be – all my thought process, well that created the dreadful suffering. The mind created entity; the unhappy me was continuously fed by my thinking. It consisted of thinking; a stream of thinking. It was a kind of spiritual suicide, so the ego died instead of me having to jump off a bridge, fortunately, the ego died. The ego dissolved as the unobserved mind dissolved.
And the next morning I woke up and looked around and looked, everything looked so fresh. All the old furniture, the pencil. Everything looked fresh and alive. As I caught a bird song outside as if I’d never heard it before. Because the mind had become still and there was simply the beautiful perception of everything. The sunlight coming through the curtains. Incredible. I’ve never seen that before."
~Eckhart Tolle
I love Eckhart Tolle! He is so so smart but at times hard to translate with the way he talks.
Please. Never again :(
I won't this happened over a year ago :) I am much happier now and I'm tougher emotionally.
This is a really touching story. I can't even begin to describe. I shed a tear.
Obvious, simple, yet it couldn't be more beautiful.
Aww thank you :)
oh wow! Dont give up on life bekcause God hasnt given up on you. he has a plan for u its just right now is not that time, but it will come to you ! i felt just like you at times, but i found that a vegan lifestyle has change every aspect of m life. The power of food can lift you up from quick sand. life will change its direction even when you didnt plan it. all you can do is handle it ,worse you can do is panic. use it to your advantage avoid insanity and manage to conqour every obstacle and make the impossible possible. even when winning isnt logical losing is still far from optional.
Wow! I've been sitting here for 10 minutes trying to think of something to say...
I'm just very very glad you're still alive and able to share your art and words with us here on Steemit. The world is a much better place with you in it.
Heheh It's okay ;) It happened a long time ago. I will never do that again! I have too much to live for :) Thank you Kenny-crane!
Wow @kaylinart ... I'm blown away by the raw emotion in your post. I wish I had the courage to write like this. Thank you so much for sharing this.
No problem :) I was scared to post! haha.
Very sad story to hear, but don't be sad, there are good things in life too.
Success doesn't come always at the first try, there are many hardships, I wen't through some myself, it takes a change of attitide, and I think the depression will go away.
If not, just ask out for help, there is no shame in it, there is therapy for this, and maybe a little talk will help, letting out the bad feelings and talking to someone expert who knows how to help you.
You touched on something that is worth highlighting on its own.
If you (plural - to the readers) ever encounter a life threatening situation, know this:
If you decide to live, if you are DETERMINED to live, no matter what your condition - you can actually make it through. This is contingent on having an unshakable belief that your choice WILL make a difference. It will not work if you try it in a "positive thinking" frame of mind, where you secretly expect that you will die, but you are thinking "positively" that you will not.
If you, on the other hand, choose to abandon the fight, if you feel your life ain't worth living, at that point you are effectively dead.
This choice matters.
you so open hearted @kaylinart very brave of you unfortunately our closest people hurts us the most because they know us better, they know our painful buttons. but hold on. tomorrow will come another better day.
Thank you! Things have been getting better, I've learned to avoid those people at all costs!
Oh sweet girl, I'm so glad you're still here. That's scary. I understand how hard it can be dealing with depression and a toxic environment at home. I dealt with some of the same stuff. I'm just happy you're doing better. You can make it. So many people would miss you and your art.
Aww thank you so much :)
Sorry you had to go through that and I'm glad that you are doing much better now. I am one of your fans and I think you were one of the first people I met here.
If you ever want to chat or just hang out, you can always find me on steemit.chat :)
Aww thank you Gonzo! I really appreciate that :)
I almost died from a benadryl OD. I was blue from not breathing and having a seizure but I was rushed to a hospital via ambulance. HUGE BILL. (hugs) Glad you are here.