Av got wood for you.
Uttered the burly man on my doorstep as I opened the door to his rather insistent knocking.
I beg your pardon?
I said sternly, not being the sort of fellow who appreciates random men telling them that they are erect for him.
The man creased his big placenta coloured face into a frown.
I have got wood for you.
He said slowly and carefully as if talking to the kind of buffoon who lives life expecting that random strangers will attempt to crudely seduce him on his doorstep with their penis.
I looked him up and down. He was rather dusty and dirty looking. I have always been strictly a vagina loving kind of man so the very least I would expect if someone was to attempt to steer my ship from its course would be that they would have a bit of a wash.
No thank you, not today.
Inwardly, I applauded myself on my diplomacy. Parenthood had mellowed me and gone were the days where I would have chased the chap with a stick and administered a sound beating.
I cannae just take it away?
Woody looked quite upset. The poor chap was obviously not the best at handling rejection.
Not for the first time, I thanked my lucky stars that I wasn't English so I didn't have to give him a pity wank out of politeness.
Well, you will just have to.
I leaned over him and adopted a flinty posture to show him that I meant business.
But, Ive got the paperwork. Thats you isn't it?
He pulled a crumpled sheaf of paper from a gaping pocket and waved it at me.
I took a quick look and sniffed disdainfully.
Oh, the timber. You are not meant to be here till Monday.
I remembered now, we had ordered a big pile of timber for the back yard so that I could attempt to build a deck. A task I was not looking forward to in the slightest but one which I had promised the Good Lady would be a fucking doddle when I was rip-roaringly drunk one weekend.
I should always remember. A lady never forgets...
Listen, I was told Friday. So, are you taking the wood or arent you?
He fixed me with a beady eye to show me that this was not his first woodeo.
I huffed at my first world problems.
Aye fuck it. Alright then.
My eyes began to sweat as my dreams of a beery weekend started to evaporate.
Where do you want it then, chief?
Placenta-Faced-Wood-Man became instantly cheery at the idea of dumping his load somewhere.
Is it ok to put it up the back?
I asked, motioning vaguely to my back garden behind me.
You want it up the back?
He raised an eyebrow worriedly and danced a little from foot to foot as if he had a high stake in POB and was watching the price tank.
Right up the back.
I grinned like an otter finding a sausage in an old shoe by a river bank.
Aye, ok. Can you give me a hand? Some of the beams are right heavy.
His face, a cross between a placenta and a nervously inky squid attempted to look pleading.
Fuck no. I've got to get back to work.
I laughed, spun on a balletic heel and headed back into the house to inform the Good Lady I had wood.
I suspected she might be a bit more excited than normal at such a statement.
Darn!! At the price of lumber, you take it any way the man will give you. Blast tradition!
Sorry I missed this. Can I buy more time?
There is no more time left to buy. We borrowed it all?!!! 😱😃😱😃
The way lumber is priced so high here, you must of hit the lottery and forgot to tell perhaps lol.
It was rather now expensive than I would have preferred but I did get a family discount! Brothers band be handy sometimes :0)
From the title to the conclusion... your writing gets me every time. Sheesh.
I can't even lol
There's polite and then there's polite man... dang. That is next level, lol.
Thank god for this line, 'cause prior to this, I was having nightmares about where this was going next :P
Of course that's what you write. I nearly wrote the exact same line in my post earlier today. Yes. Totally. It's an obvious similie. For sure. Definitely.
lol
Boom, mister.
Great post. I won't comment on the puns. :D
Lol. I am glad it went the timber way too!
I like to think I specialise in obvious similes... 😃😃
🤣 Yeah, so much so you could put it on your business card. 🤣
Don't you have any slaves to do that type of work. Gentleman don't do manual labour and you have got this all wrong. Tell the good lady to not expect a master piece of a deck lol.
I have the fear, damn beer. She wanted to pay a man to do it and I was like, what, let me fucking do it. How hard can it be. I think I'm gonna find out!!!
I've never looked inside a single shoe along any watery bank I've found single shoes on. The story was boarding as nails but that otter's a genius.
That's why we aren't otters, we just don't look hard enough in those solitary shoes!!
Always steppin over'em or avoiding the things I'm potentially missing a !WEINER.
There are !WEINERs!? This chain gets better and better!
It costs me a fortune buying, cooking and hiding all them sausages but hey, someone has to keep the mystique alive for the otters
Repeat after me (only pathetically to the good lady)
" I was drunk and I was wrong, I can't build a deck"
Of course.... with the appropriate expression and all. It will only hurt a minute and THEN someone else can still build the deck.
I would think it would be worth it. LOL ... even a day or two of death ray stares..... worth it !
I might go down the route of trying it and then admitting defeat gracefully. I just find myself thinking, how hard can it be? Whilst deep down something rumbles inside me like Jabba the Hutt saying Hur hur, you fool!!
Or start it a little crooked and claim you think it will be fine that way. THEN she will insist that you stop right away and get someone else to do it.
I am quite sure she will see my straight for crooked and call a halt to the proceedings no matter how good I think it looks. I am surprised she has let it get this far. I might be in for a lot of sawing today!
I think this cultural phenomenon is caused by Isle of Wight guilt.
Lol. Yes, I think that could be it!! :0D
Ladies never forget. I can remember details and details of details.All are lucky men for having women in their lives 😍😂
I threw away my smartphone when I realised what ladies can do!! :0D
Those poms are an interesting lot huh? 😆
I think all the taking wood up the back jokes have been taken so I'll comment on the deck. Well, not so much comment but drop this fucking video from New Zealand about decks, and obvious play on their weird accent.
Oh my, that is hilarious! His deck is the talk of the town!!
I am hoping that if it is in any way a half decent deck I can show people it just like he has :OD
It's pretty funny right? The cool thing is that's exactly how they talk.
I'm sure your
dickdeck will run straight and true and everyone will want to see it and be on it.[Now I know what the circular saw is for.]
It's quite hilarious because it took me a second to realise that it was a joke and he wasn't just talking normally.
I am hoping the cicular saw will guide me!! something will have to!! I am gonna be saw-daft over the coming days!
Dude, I was going to drop a circular saw fail video but that shit ain't funny so...Just be fucking careful ok? Those things can bite.
I will be super careful. The feeding thing gives me the fear so I will be doing everything as safe as safe can be.
Although I might lose a leg but you can't make an omelette without breaking eggs as they say!
Yeah, I know you'll be safe and re: The leg. This is why you have two. One is expendable. It is known.
Be safe dude.
Did Placenta-Faced-Wood-Man hand carry the lumber to the back for you? Since the Covid lockdown, almost all deliveries are dumped on your front driveway - with very few exceptions. Even then, they almost always have a boom on the back of the truck so that it's just the boom operator in the truck.
He had a boom to take it off and carried it! To be honest I paid a bit extra at the time of ordering to have it taken where I wanted off the truck so I thought he was being quite cheeky to ask for some help. I should have said, aye, I will help if you give me half of the forty quid I paid to get it hauled up the back!
The good news for me is ... I always try to buy lumber that's longer than 2 meters. So, then I can call a friend and remain a safe distance apart while we lug the lumber to where I need it to be. I pushed it a little too far when I ordered 4'X10' sheets of drywall for the basement. ;-)
Haha, that would be a bit extreme. I am thinking I might have to type in some help as I got some massive lengths. I haven't prepared very well at all. Had to go but bloody concert today to set the posts into!!
The good news for me is ... I always try to buy lumber that's longer than 2 meters. So, then I can call a friend and remain a safe distance apart while we lug the lumber to where I need it to be. I pushed it a little too far when I ordered 4'X10' sheets of drywall for the basement. ;-)
Well, you certainly know how to keep an old gal's attention, found myself reading...not skimming as I sometimes tend to do when a story gets boring...the whole story, from the very beginning to the very end...although you left the last juicy bit out ;)
We wanna see that wooden deck sometime, sooner rather than later while the going is good!
I like writing a juicy story!! lol. I will be dedicating some posts to this decking, Iam sure of it. I am terrified that it will be a disaster! Fingers crossed!!
I'm sure it will be a good hardwood deck, just remember it takes a heck of a lot of screwing or will you be using the easy-clip system?
Anyway...have a great weekend!
Clips, pfft!! A gentleman screws his wood!
Although if I had known there was some kind of clip system that might have changed things!
😅😅😅
I am not crying. Those are not tears. It is perspiration. 😂😂😂
By the way, I currently do not have beer, but I give you some !PIZZA.
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Well thank you very much, I think I might have !BEER !
View or trade
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Now what are you doing posting when Scotland are playing their big rivals? You could be snoring in front of the TV like me..., I just woke up.
"Goal!"
Lies!! It's still nil nil!!!
I have to check you see so that I can maintain a conversation with relatives and shit... :0D
I wish!
You have no idea how many times in work today I was asked are you watching the game and I was like, erm no not really. Baffles them everytime!!
Another 90 mins of my life wasted..., I never learn.
I must say, that is not the result I was expecting!!
What the fuck haha.
I was captured the entire way through your story, damn xD
What happend, did you get it up back? 8D
Hahaha, I was tempted to say, a gentleman never tells but yeah, he stuck it right up there!!
The garden of course! 🤣😃
Haha xD
Seriously man, that story was insanely good! :D
Cheers man!! I try my best!! :0)
Hi @meesterboom ,You already have the firewood so you can enjoy working the weekend, but if you are going to drink liquor, better after finishing the job ha ha ha, I guess drunk you can't reason and the good lady expects a job well done, it catches my attention is that the man asks you for help to download, maybe he saw you without much to do, well you turned around and came back with yours and the good lady.
Greetings, I like that parenthood made you kind and courteous :)
I like the fact that Parenthood has mellowed me too. I knew there would have to be am advantage in it somewhere :0D
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STOPNice piece
You should see it in the moonlight!
Photos please
It's reflective, looks like a Badger.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it
Are you into wood as well?
No
Here in NZ, 2nd biggest wood producer in the southern hemisphere, all our wood goes to China because our commie gov is selling it to them to fund themselves...so if you want wood you have to pay big-time. And if a large filthy man offers you wood, you bend over and act keen
Damn filthy men and their wood!!
It will be like here, sell all the wood to China and buy back lots of tacky plastic. It doesn't make much sense!
It makes sense to the CCCP!
Nice. ;))