Soul Taker

in #life13 days ago

meesterboom-soul-taker.jpg

Did something just happen??

The Good Lady called out from where she lay splayed on her Yoga mat like a badly spatchcocked chicken.

Daddy-Bear? Was that the door? There was a strange noise.

Reluctantly, she peeled herself up from upward muck crab or whatever bizarrely named Yoga position she had been in and looked at the door to the hall uncertainly.

TADA!!!!

I crashed through the door shaking a large Amazon box in my hands as if it were a dog attacking a defenceless old man.

Jesus, holy shit?!

The Good Lady snapped backwards with fright like a severed tendon.

You gave me a scare there, you git. What is that you have anyway? I didn't know we were buying anything.

She looked suspiciously at the package which, although not glowing with a demonic light, gave off an aura of stark menace.

Oh, you mean this? This little thing?

I tossed the box from hand to hand as if it wasn't something unholy and smoking with profane energy.

This my dear will change everything. EVERYTHING! MOHOHOHWAHR!

I cackled like a bald man rubbing a cat's belly.

Oh, it's one of those things, is it?

She turned back to the TV and unpaused Adrienne something or other who was on the screen doing Yoga with a dog.

I curled my lip up in disgust. Why was this Adrienne woman on our screen, she wasn't even in the slightest bit hot. Maybe that was why she had the dog? Maybe it was her wingman.

I snapped out of it and poked at the Good Lady indignantly with my toe.

Hey, quit the Yoga for ten seconds man. Don't you want to see it?

I gave the flaps of the box a little teasing tear to get it warmed up for the opening.

Uff, ok then. What is this thing that will change everything?

She could almost have sounded bored but I forgave her. Like Jesus, in many ways, I had great depths for those I loved. And great mercy.

I showed some of that now and rested a hand piously on her head.

I forgive you my child.

I closed my eyes for a moment and raised them heavenward.

Oh for God's sake, can you just open the box and show me the thing so I can get back to my Yoga, please?

She diced with death like a poker player raising on the flop against the Devil Fish.

I nodded, she was ready.

Majestically I ripped the cardboard box in two with the mannity of a handsome bastard and pulled the contents into one hand like a gentleman juggler of a bygone age.

BEHOLD... The SOUL TAKER!

I flicked the plastic wrap off of the device in my hands and it glittered with cold malice in my hands.

take-all-the-souls.jpg

What the heck is that, an old-fashioned radio or something?

The Good Lady sounded confused, like a Lebanese Pianist.

What? A radio? No? No! It's the SOUL TAKER!! Can't you see?

I pressed a button on the device's side and it lurched into life, a sickening ultraviolet glare spilling from its infernal edges.

Ew. Is it some kind of bad torch?

Once more the Good Lady danced with death and the pale horse he rode in on.

No you big fucking meanie. It's the SOUL TAKER!

She still looked confused.

Oh fine, it's a fucking bug killer. You know, the electrocuty ones?

I mimed being a stupid bug being killed to death by electricity which just made me look like a man sucking a Fishermans Friend.
No, not a salty sea-faring penis but a peculiar sweet beloved by old smokers in the UK as it was strong enough to cut through the layers of tar coating their filthy mouths.

Oh. Oh... I don't know if I like the idea of that. Where do the dead bugs go?

She grimaced, her namby-pamby hippy love of all things living stretching even to those winged evil biters that lurked in the wan sun of a Summers evening in Scotland.

There is a tray, they get zapped, fall into the soul tray then get put in the bin.

I chuckled merrily, imagining emptying the tray of thousands of souls every single day.

CRACK!!

We both jumped at the thunderous zap that had sounded from the luridly lit device.

A small black thing tumbled down into the soul tray. I looked at the device in awe and fell to the ground.

And lo, the first soul is TAKEN!

The Good Lady muttered something that sounded suspiciously like for fuck sake.

I ignored her and laughed manically.

All hail the SOUL TAKER!

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TBH it does look like a vintage radio, can you not get the horizontal barred types often found in dodgy chippys circa 1995 anymore?

It does a wee bit! I think that's what drew me to this one. The old ones are still about but I wanted retro!! 😀

Is that for the dreaded Scottish midges? I'm not sure any other insect life can survive at your latitude.

I really do wonder what your missus thinks of you and whether there's potential for a new sitcom :)

It is for the midges! We dont normally get bothered by them in the city but the other night we had a freakish warm evening and sat out and I got savaged. I react badly to the bites and was itching for days as well. Thats when I decided, the SOUL TAKER must be bought!

Its doing well so far. Even gets moths much to the Good Lady's distress :OD

Not the moths! Could you put a mesh over it that only lets midges in?

We're coping with different pests in the form of rats that can get pretty big. We've managed to poison a few. I set some traps, but the buggers seem to be wary of those. I found a very decayed one in the chicken run the other day. They go for the chicken food.

It has only caught a few moths, I will have to accept the bitter cost as I dont want to inconvenience the device as it devours the souls of the unworthy midges. On saying that the weather has turned shockingly cold again so I might not get outside for some time!

They are clever the rats, and fast. Strong enough not to die in some of the smaller traps too. Gits. Was the decayed one all dried out? I had a horrible case of a mouse caught in a trap in my garage and it had been there for a good while before I noticed and when I picked the trap up the mice stuck to the floor and then tore in half and a pile of wriggling maggots spilled out. To say I was nearly sick would be a vast understatement!

This one may have been eaten by other rats as they are not picky. A while back we found a dried out frog under our kitchen cupboards. No idea how it got there.

I'm looking into rat-proof chicken feeders. Current one is hung up, but the buggers jump onto it and even get into it. I've not seen so many around this week, but there may be other food sources now. In the winter our chicken food must be very tempting and they burrow into the run.

There's loads of cats around here, but they are crap at ratting.

Cats are only good at hunting birds and injuring them. They suck at the rest of it. Too pampered!

I found a toad and a newt in my garden the other day when I was digging stuff up. It made me quite happy. I would have been less happy to have discovered a rat but I know they are out there, few places wont have them. I can imagine them thinking it is Christmas time with the chicken feed!

Ah ! The bug zapper. I have never had one, but I know others that do. I laughed when you said the sound startled you both. Someone else had said theirs was so loud when the bug got zapped that it seemed to always take them by surprise, no matter how many times it happened and they would flinch nearly every time. Another said they had to turn theirs off at night or it would keep them up.

Hope it works out like you hope it will.

It is insanely loud. I thought it would be a fizzle but its a bit jarring! I have always wanted one, well since I got bit recently, lol!

I hope it works out too, I mean, I could be doing with less bites, I swell up like a balloon when I get them!

I guess there was no way to make the sounds of electrocution low and gentle. LOL!

Blowing up like a balloon ! Yikes.... maybe you should get two !

Should get two and sit in between them shaking with ultraviolet and madness! 😀😀

😄

Thee soul tray 🤣. I'd love one of them. Some of the fuckers are big and they take a good bit of voltage to kill them off. I used to love going into the butchers to get my fill of fly death . Fry my pretty fry!! At the moment we have some woke butterfly thing stuck on the window which is meant to poison them. I have yet to see any carnage beneath said butterfly so I think I will be investing in one of these. The pest control person in my job said they hibernate in air curtains during the winter because I have always wondered where they disappeared off too. "But I thought the buggers only live a day and here's Johnny Bluebottle spending Winter in Chez WarmatticInsulation."

I had one of those butterfly things on the window! The sticky ones that the beasts cant get off of and die of starvation essentially? The missus made me take it off as ours was becoming a bit of a fuzzy black graveyard. It had been up for months right enough.

I had the joy of watching a giant bluebottle get zapped, fall into the Soul Tray, then wriggle, twitch before getting to its feet and flyingstraight back into the zapper. It did it three times before it didn't get up again. I saluted it for its heroism!

They make some noise when they get one!

A beautiful noise. We are holding off because the cat killed a bird the other day so the death questions are coming quick and fast. If we introduced a soul taker into the mix , he will be self mutilating at 16 I imagine. The lovely butterfly sticky thing is an easier sell. 😂

Hahaha, I get you exactly. Our kids would go bananas at catkillbird death, lol!

Butterflies are an easy win... Until a bee gets stuck to it!

I may need a Soul Taker for my back patio this summer. The neighbor decided they would not take care of their backyard pool over the winter and it is now an above ground mosquito breeding ground waiting to happen.

Gaaaar, that's rubbish. I think the biters I'm my case have came from my old neighbours pond. They never think of these bloody things!

They don't. I may have to have a discussion soon with them.

I hope you have more luck with yours than I do with mine. Mine are as old as the hills and don't really get it. Or at least they play at not getting it!

Bug zappers are the most metal yard device there is. Prove me wrong.

I can't disprove that, they are incredibly metal. Someone should set some tunes off to those cracks!

[death metal growl]
THROW THE SWITCH, SEE THEM FRY,
MAKE THEM TWITCH, WATCH THEM DIE!
ZAPPING SOUND, CORPSES MOUND,
BODIES FALL TO THE GROUND,
SOULS DESCENDING HELL-BOUND,
INSECT SLAYER BE CROWNED!
[guitar shredding]

hahahaha my dear Sir @meesterboom and let me tell you that it is excellent soul stealer you end up with how many flying bug comes to bite you when you are in the garden, excellent investment I call them the mosquito traps, waders and any pod that turns around my ears while I am in contemplative state.

We need something to help in the war against the beasts! And it glows a pretty purple in the dark too, apparently they like that :OD

they are attracted to that color and orange also because it looks like the spectrum of our human skin, with the only difference that with this bug catcher they are charred hahahah

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Hehe, that is what the blurb on the box claimed. The cheeky gits will be in fora surprise in this house now! :OD

In our country there is no light and all the time such insects bite and when we go for a walk in the garden we see many different types of mosquitoes. All people must buy it so that we can avoid them and not suffer from any disease.

I had always seen them before in places but now I am a convert!! :OD

Hahaha! I kept wonderign what the soul taker was. Nice build up/suspense.
I temporarily tried out a small version of this in the bedroom of one of my previous places, here in Portugal. It hardly worked and although I hoped it would kill mosquitoes, it mainly took the souls of flies. Not that I like the latter.

Fingers crossed that yours does work and makes outdoor evenings more relaxing and, perhaps, entertaining ;<)

I am hoping it does. It has caught a fair few already but the noise is quite disconcerting. It is hardly relaxing jumping out of your sign at the odd crack every ten fifteen minutes!

Getting used to it already?

Ah... the soul taker.. such a great name. The Entertainer would have worked too... nothing like watching thousands of blood sucking bastards die a horrible death while you enjoy a whiskey.

Thats a past-time I can get behind!

Depending on how good it gets I might rename it the Entertainer! 😀

We had a huge one as a kid.. I used to love watching those fuckers fry..

I only ever saw them in cafes and stuff. I had no idea what they did!

My cousin has one of those that he puts on when sitting around the campfire in the backyard. Every once in a while a large bug gets caught between the two electocuty things and makes a really long zapping sound like as if it's getting fried in an electric chair - it's glorious

Zzzzz-zzz-craaaaccckkkk-pop-crraaack-zzzzzzz-zzzz-pop.

😂

Oh man, it sounds crazy but I can't wait to hear something like that!! Lol.

That's pretty much what I got it for, those evenings outside where you just want to chill but don't want to be eaten alive!

I think it's the moths that do that mainly. I wonder what bugs are most attracted to it? Ideally it would be mostly to kill mosquitos (here in Canada) but I don't know if they are attracted to them or not.

The blurb says it is the biters that are most attracted to it because the two wavelengths of UV light are like human skin? Don't know how that works. Moths just join in because they love anything light 😀

Okay I see. That's good then.

Although it zapped a giant bluebottle last night and I cant think what drew that in!

I wonder why the yoga instructor wasn't hot? I thought being hot was a requirement haha.

Soul Taker. I like your name for it. I don't know the bug status in Scotland, but we usually have those inside the house. It wouldn't stop crackling if we ever left one outside, since there's just too much mosquitos here.

I think she should be done for breach of contract! :OD

It was fair zapping away last night in the living room. I am beginning to really like it and see the advantages!

That's awesome. I think it would be very effective if it was the only light in the area to attract more.

When the light gets low is when it definitely kicks in more. Harder to see the little biters then as well so all good!

When you talk about the fishermen and what they suck I didn't think of anything strange, lies yes hahahahaha, I guess I wasn't the only one, well it's a tobacco or something like that hahahaha.
Insects do not have souls, they are animals and these lack this, so that device only kills them, man I am already thinking the same as the good lady, where do the dead insects go hahaha

Haha, perhaps they don't have should but that would spoil it! 😀

The fisherman's friends are some pungent things!!

Bug zapper you may need more than one, cleaning out the tray to dispatch of, another chore for you 🙃 you bought, you clean it....

My brother had one (5' x 2') outdoors yuck, simply use a stick incense citronella burning, or lamps with same citronella oil. Easier, a can of Tabard Insect Repellent always close to hand these buggers eat me alive!

Fisherman's Friend since 1865 can't be bad, simply chase the bugs in mint flavour, some on my table, survival kit smokers.... Knocks some wind back into you.

!BEER

I have many major citronella things, the incense, the candles. Doesn't seem to help that much but I still use them.

I could get another 4 bug zappers and call myself bugzapkill and be a superhero 🤣🤣

Bug zappers do work, just a bugger cleaning tray out regularly. At one time I had three lantern style ones hanging around, smaller ones never had long life span, my brothers super big one still works after 15 odd years maybe longer, outdoors by kitchen for flies and mosquito.

You may need a couple more....

Yo necesito uno así , un tomador de Alma , es increíble este aparato..lo venden en Amazon.

¡Amazon es el lugar! Parece que hasta ahora está bastante bien. ¡Ya veremos cuando llegue el clima decente!

Jajajaja el lugar perfecto..

Hehe
I love the story. I can imagine how much the Good Lady must have anticipated for him to open the box. I was also wondering what a soul taker was until he revealed that it was a bug killer😅
Nice one buddy!

Yes indeed, she was justified until the big reveal! 😀

I have a similar device with a bluish light, but hardly catches mosquitos 😄


Hey @meesterboom, here is a little bit of BEER from @joanstewart for you. Enjoy it!

Learn how to earn FREE BEER each day by staking your BEER.

These things work pretty well, my parents had one in the 1980's but the thing was like a Tesla coil and probably weren't nearly as safe or effective as these newer ones. They even have hand held tennis racket-looking-zappers now if you want to make a sport of it. You could buy one for each kid and set them free to work, oh I mean play. : )

A heart breaker and soul taker like you can never have too many soul-taking devices to hand. Much and hearty applause for your latest soul-gathering thingamybob. May many bastard insects, government officials, tax collectors and cunts from Hive be killed until they be dead.

Also, you miming a bug being deaderised? This must be videoed and posted.

You have to be good at the miming in this household. People just dont seem to understand direct words!

Shame there wasn't an equivalent device for hive cuntage, lol! :OD

I bet you're a fucken excellent mime artist, you should start a school, like that Hive school that cunt doby created. Remember that? Wasn't he a royal greasy cunt!

Anyway, I've got a couple big appointments tomorrow, I'm going to mime my way through them to sharpen my skills.

Dobby was King of the Cunts! With his shiny polyester loungewear, lol.

Mime is the way, I can maybe rehabilitate the worst of the Hive scamster spammers through the medium of mime and turn them into good people once more. I shall make it my mission.

Hive Mime School. We mime together!

Mimehabilitation? Ye gods! That's genius indeed!

It's strange to think that most of the people on Hive will have no clue what we're talking about, doby and his school. Suckers. He was a douche though, but knew how to dress for sure. Not.

Mimehabilitation.

It's move on time
From the grime of crime
Climb out of the slime
With the Power of MIME!

They really would have no idea. They dont know that we have seen it all before, the "hilarious" antics of the losers, misfits and scammers

Excellent dobartimarising! Let me respond:

In the hot coldness of the day in the nighttime of the morning ocean of ice cream rose garden of dreams, comes the spoke of pitch black open forked water banana.

You know what I mean? (I know you do.)

On your last paragraph...yep, they're all the same man, but they think they're innovating.