I sat on the couch dandling the little boom on my lap. It was a perfect family scene. The little lady was playing a game involving Dinosaurs storming a castle and the good lady had put the coffee on in the kitchen.
I gave a big contented sigh and felt every fibre of my being relax. Everything felt just right.
The good lady came in from the kitchen carrying some lovely smelling coffee. I stretched out a hand and took my cup whilst balancing the little boom on my knee with the other hand. He made a funny little giggle noise.
I leaned forward a bit and jiggled him happily.
Did you just giggle young man? Did my little man just make his first little giggle?
He tipped his head and made another half giggle sort of noise.
Then an explosive burp. Then...
A gigantic torrent of warm cottage cheese stuff cascaded out of the sky and slopped on to my head, my beautiful face and my chest.
I gagged, I couldn't see. The smell of the ichor covering me from my head to my waist was suffocating.
What the hell?
Was the sky falling down?
I heard the muffled cry of a baby from a distance. Was that the little boom? My ears were full of this vile slop.
Help!
I tried to cry but it was as I attempted to speak I noticed that there was more of this fetid rice pudding mook in my mouth. I gagged, tried to stand but it was no use I had a coffee cup in one hand and a baby in the other.
My eyes stung. What was going on. Was I dying? Had the house fallen down?
I heard laughter through the smothering vomitous murk that caked my whole head.
Oh my God! It's a Spewnami!
Someone yipped with glee.
I rolled my head on my neck as if my strings had been cut. I gagged again. The stench of curdled udders pushing noxious fingers up my nose and through my eyes into my brain.
Help?
I tried again. Why would nobody help me? Had I already passed through the veil? Was I a spirit wandering aimlessly among those who lived? Why did being dead stink so much?
Somebody removed the weight of the little boom from my right hand. Then the coffee cup from my left.
Oh Daddy, get yourself to the bathroom and clean yourself up.
How? I can't see!!
I reached up with my newly freed hands and took my glasses off. Squinting through the mozarella soup I was caked in I got up and staggered off to the bathroom. Once there I stared aghast at the mirror.
What the actual fuck?
I was covered in baby vomit. My whole head and face and upper chest. Worse yet, a baby who had gorged himself on booby milk.
Aaargh. I was wearing curdled tit juice?!?!?
I started to clean myself up. I think I had inadvertently swallowed some of the fermented tripe and it took me several minutes to stop whimpering and washing my tongue.
Finally I was done. I hoiked my sopping wet, reeking of greasy goat stew clothes into the laundry basket and headed downstairs.
I entered the living room. The good lady and little lady looked over as I came in. As one they pointed.
You should have seen yourself!!!
I made a snumph'ing noise, entirely unimpressed by their hilarity at my misfortune.
He projectile vomited right up in the air and it all came down on your face and head!!
I glared at them.
Aye, magic. I'm so laughing.
The pair of them nudged each other and then shouted -
Daddy?
Hmmm.
Happy Spew Year!!!
Bastards.
Classic! 😂😂😂
My old man still hasn't forgiven me for spewing in his face in 1967!
As I was going through my teens he made a point of telling every bird I brought home the story of when I honked in his face.
Still to this day he brings it up, seek counselling now mate before you become bitter and twisted! 😂😂😂
Ha!! I don't blame him. It will haunt me, haunt me forever!!
Not bad idea that though, telling all the birds hehe !0)
Given the 3rd meaning of the verb "to spew" in Wiktionary, I did not expect a story of vomit.
Hhahahahaha this made me even laugh more
Goodness me!! That is a completely new one to me! Fantastic. You know I do like such expressions :O)
Shot a puke geyser little baby Boom did!
"What the actual fuck?"
LOL, I'm going to start using that saying over here in the United States..... import it from across the pond if you don't mind! That made me laugh so hard!
He got me man, like a pint over my head. Yech!
Excellent man, spread them sayings as far as they can go!!
:O)
Im homeschooled, so I have a million siblings. Needless to say, this has happened to me several times. Makes you want to do this doesnt it?
GIPHY
HA!! It really did. I kept thinking, throw everything in your hands away so you can escape!!!
One of these days I will catch a post right out of the cage and be the first to comment--but dang, I would have to be on it! Especially since I usually can't immediately type anything, I'm shaking too much with laughter. Sorry me boom, but I probably would have been rolling round on the floor if I actually got to witness the spewnami of jugjuice, LOLOL!!
I think everyone bar me was laughing and rolling on the floor. You know me, I love laughing and take myself less seriously than anyone I know but man I was pissed!! I was absolutely caked in it!!! I couldnt open my eyes!!
Yep, it's much less funny when it's your nose that's clogged with putrescence, I can attest to that!! I've never been able to handle such things as vomit and poop very well to begin with, but in my mouth? I'm gagging just thinking about it haha!
OH the mouth bit, it was foul and I could smell and taste it and it was nigh impossible not to throw up myself. I have no odea how I didnt in the end!!
It must have been the mighty BOOM fortitude that saved you!
I was reminded that my aversions to foul bodily fluid is the entire reason I did not follow in my family's footsteps to get a nursing degree for a backup. My dad was an RN (who eventually became an Administrator, largely due to not having to deal with such yuckiness, ,but he did have to deal with it for a time) my mom- RN, my brother and his wife, both RN's, my aunt was a Nurse Practitioner, my grandma an RN..I'm probably missing a few. I was a 'carehelper' at a nursing home for a bit when I was young, then started taking the nursing aid course because it was a lot more money and also to see if I might be able to go into the 'family business'. First time a patient had an accident (by which I mean she exploded hideous diarrhea like a bomb went off) I was out. Literally, I left the room, went to the bathroom to gag, then tendered my resignation. I continued my courses in computer information systems and became a waitress on the side instead LOLOL!
Lol, the very idea of diarrhoea going off like a bomb has me reaching for the sick bag! You did well to escape that craziness.
It must have been quite a shock to the family to have someone strike outwith the RN path!
I will admit they had sound reasoning for wanting me to do it, since the Nursing program was only two years at the time--well, generally it ended up being three once you factor in some extra courses, clinicals and internships, but it's not a lot of schooling, minimal money for student loans, and can be big returns in terms of salary. However, money can't make up for misery, and I would have been miserable. They understood. I became known as "Our daughter, the writer". They would go on and on to various people throughout life, and to hospital staff in particular when my dad began his long decline and was in and out of the hospital- talking about all of the medical people in the family...then they would say "Oh, except our daughter, she's a writer." lol. The thing is, my brother would far prefer being introduced as "Our son the musician". It's how I think of him, as a musician, nursing is just what he does for money. I'm just lucky that my husband has always been a fairly successful businessman and afforded me the luxury of being 'the writer'.
Anndd my comments are super long today and way off topic. Sorry.
"smothering vomitous murk", "curdled tit juice"! I love it! What a colorful picture painted while the frolicking linguistic overture plays in the background.
Anyone who has raised a child can identify with this experience, as well as the dreaded diaper blow out. An event that can turn a serene Norman Rockwell painting into a spastic Picasso rendition.
Oh I have had the diaper blowouts!! Its amazing how it can get absolutely everywhere!
Hehe, my only way of coping was to describe it as best as I could :OD
OMG, I'm laughing so hard my tummy hurts! "spewnami" ... LOL!!! I do admit to turning somewhat green and almost gagging at some of the descriptions, though : "The stench of curdled udders pushing noxious fingers up my nose and through my eyes into my brain." - just, EWWWWW!!
Well I am glad I managed to convey the very horror that was tripping through my mind as it was happening It was vile!
I can very well believe that - and you did a superb job in conveying the horror of the experience, lol.
Oh man, I wish I had these writing skills. Made me laugh man! Even without picture I just see it happen in my mind!. Is till remember very vivid juggling around myself years ago with my baby child and coffee. Also the projectile-vomiting part I still remember as it just happened the other day! Happy Spew Year!
Cheers man, I don't think the projectile vomiting memory will ever fade!
Funny how the sympathy flows, if it was the good lady on the receiving end, you would have to offer sounds of condolence. when it is you, all you get is sounds of laughter.
Wait until No 2 grows up a bit and it is No 3 you are nursing, then there will be 3 hyenas laughing at you
I have told you before, categorically there will be no number 3!! hehe
I think I might have laughed when it happened to the good lady before. oops!
bets?????
I would be game for that!!
Which Monastery would you like your mail addressed to?
When shit happens I don't care what you thought of, it is going to hit the fan
Even the quick snip has been known to fail.
hahahaha indeed happy spew year ! happens to the best :P
It does, hopefully not often!
:)
I had that experience as a wee guy while playing with my wee sister. Right in my mouth. :( Not one I care to re-live. :)
Are you on chat mate? I'd like to ask you something. :)
How do dude!! Take your pic chat or discord! Discord is easier but chat is fine!
I think you should just be grateful you weren't out, say in a shopping center, with a long trip home. I've had 3 spewers, that smell.....!!!
The smell just hangs about, it's horrible. When you think it is gone you just catch a whiff!!
OMG!!!!!.... "curdled tit juice?!?!?"....Bwha ha ha ha ha
upvoted and resteemed
I was so proud of that line :O)
Well, every day I learn some new words here, today is the day of the spew and spewnami. When I read the title I thought "What's the meaning of this strange word?". Now I know and, even if I'm sorry for you, I have to say that it was a funny way to learn a new word :0D
Hehe, what a great word it is. Vioent Spewing = Spewnami!!! Hehe. Its awesome! :OD
Well @meesterboom! this is my first ever comment on your blog.
How funny and loving at the same time. Funny in the sense of
and loving in the sense of great father who cares his family very much and take small things in an innovative way even the mistakes or misshapes. By the way your sense of humor is too damn high seriously :D :D
Stay Blessed always and lots of love to little boom :)
Well hello there! Pleased to meetcha!
I am glad you liked it and cheers!
Babies are scary. That's a lesson for all of us!
Don't ever anger a baby!
You never know when they strike :((
They have the power! And yes you can never tell when they will attack! lol
I was laughing out loud when I read your story. I know from experience that babies can spew over a considerable distance. @exyle's older brother @look4balance (yes the brother is very recently also in Steemit), did it once from the bed to the wall. Not on my head I'm happy to say.
That is quite the distance! I was utterly baffled as to how he managed to get it up and over his own head and coat only me! From now on I will be on alert!!
I saw that, all the family coming on :O)
I feel your pain master boom.
But what can you do, even though all babies are evil, we have to endure with our manly power! :(
YOu are right, all we can do is endure!
Spewnami!? Hope you don't mind me laughing....
I dont mind. Now that I'm clean at least!
This is inevitable, apparently the children have very clear when to do their own, we are always distracted when they decide to throw the vomit, these things stink, but are recorded in the memory and when the children are great, one has fun remembering these things.
Thank you very much for another tragicomica afternoon dear friend @ meesterboom
I wish you a happy rest
Tragicomica! I do like that expression!
I hope you have a great day mate!
This had me in tears :)
Last night I was flying SFO to CLE with the flu and managed to blow chunks of airport lounge food within the first 30 minutes of the flight. Needless to say, the girlfriend was not too impressed.
I can imagine the girlfriend not being impressed. You might have some work to do getting your cool back lol
Not sure who said it, must have been somebody wise, those who hold babies beware!
That is a saying that I had forgotten after the first one but have had cruelly rammed back into my brain! Very true!
This is definitely the most epic first giggle in the history of small children. Catastrophic consequences with terrible casualties among the civilian population only confirm the fact that your son will grow a real man with a great sense of humor
If he keeps up using me as vom target practice he might grow up in a field of sheep after I turf him out!
hahahahaha ... welcome to a spew gratitude ... I could “see” your face and reactions ... similar happened to my husband and I still giggle when scene pops up in my mind. Great story!
It's one of those ones that will be hard to forget!
I hate to laugh at your expense. But, oh, OK. And you about lost me at the 'curdled utters'. Classic B'mon stuff. Thanks for a hearty, Friday night guffaw, at your fatherly joy of being in the path of the giant, nasty baby wave.
And what a baby wave it was. I never mind a list at my expense :0D
O my goodness- you just keep om making me laugh - like I said many times before you have a gift accepter of spew hahahaaha
That's me, the accepter!
You always make me laugh -you can just turn an ordinary event - that most of us can relate to - into a festivity of words. Thank you
Lol, thank you for reading!
Ahhhhhhhh what a great tale my friend. I see it as a blessing ie the vomit will turn to SBD successes which has come your part. I funny tale tho ...keep it up
I like it, that's the way to look at it lol!
OH Fook why wasn't this on video, I would pay a lot to see that, please do it again and video it :)
It must never happen again. I have never been caked in so much sick in my entire life!!!
Oh go on just once more, it will make a fantastic post :)
NEVER!!!! :0p
I will beg, please....hehehe give baby boom a cuddle from me and say well done :)
He can get a cuddle, And a promise to never do it again lol!
I think it will happen again, next time it will be chocolate pudding haha
Ahhhh I remember those days so very well even though I'm well past them now XD And sorry but that kind of stuff is totally hilarious, you'll remember it with fondness (or just bust it out as a story for some milestone birthday to embarrass him) somewhere down the line XD Ewww gross about the bit that got in your mouth though aaaaahhhhh that's some fortitude you have there, I'm feeling gaggy just thinking about it! Ew ew ew!
Bahahahahaaaa fermented tit juice, I guess you don't use milk? XP
On the bright side at least it wasn't a critical nappy failure? :D
I have had a few critical nappy failures, usually I don't get the contents doing over my head though hehe.
I am already thinking fondly of it. Apart from the mouth and eyes bit... And maybe the ears... And trying to get my t-shirt of without showing more if it on me because I stupidly cleaned my face and head first.
Oh lord, feeling nauseous again!!
One would hope not! Although if you'd been holding him up in the air and then putting him on your head like a hat...I don't really want to think about that XD
LoL ew! XD
Happy Spew Year!!!
That's what they said alright :0)
인기 최고!!굿 포스트
Sometimes!
Follow my friend and go.
Consider it done. I have went
Thanks for your friend.
You're always original
I do try :O)
we hope to see that on video ,,
Never!
how you can express this emotion in such funny way, hope next time continue this funny with good emotion. happy spew year.
Be grateful it wasn't from both ends! Nice to see everyone laughing at your expense. Wait till it happens to one of them...
A spewnami! One of the events I'm so not looking forward to when I have an offspring of my own! During my illustrious career as a baby whisperer, I seldomly had to deal with these kinds of things, that's why my body remains a temple. But, I'm afraid I wouldn't be immune to it when a mini me comes along.
Oh my, I can't help but picture you and the Mountain exchanging projectile vomits. That would be a sight to see! Him vomiting on your mouth because reasons. You vomiting on his mouth because of him vomiting on your mouth. Him vomiting on your mouth because of you vomiting on his mouth because of him vomiting on your mouth. And, as they say in the biz, so on and may the forth be with you.
Dare I ask, how did it taste like? And, will you ever consider making a review post about the finer points of its taste? I really wanted to make this comment short, but I just can't help it ;)