Are we ready?
I asked my good friend Anulus, a fine fellow despite having a face like a half-shat artichoke.
He looked around at our quite finely constructed grotto and nodded. I adjusted my Santa Suit slightly and let out an experimental Ho ho ho. It was vaguely muffled through the big white beard but still sounded quite magnificent.
Then let the Christmas cheer begin, old fellow. Open the doors!!
Anulus grinned as if wearing underpants made of frogskin and marched over to the doors of our grotto. It was quite the festive affair. Tinsel and Christmas lights twinkled everywhere you looked.
He flung open the doors with gusto and revealed a queue of waiting peons, stamping their feet against the cold.
One at a time! One at a time to see Santa!
He bellowed.
I chuckled as the first starved and cold looking peon was ushered in. I beckoned him over to sit with me by the fire.
Ho ho ho! Well peon, what's your name?
The peon nervously took the vacant seat across from me and held his hands out to the warmth of the hearth. He looked like a dead bird.
It's Johnny, sir.
Ho ho ho! Johnny, like a condom? Very good. Well, we are pleased you have come to see us. Tell me Johnny. What would you like for Christmas?
The peon looked around furtively as if fearing he was being tricked.
Just a roof over my head and some food sir, that's all I want for Christmas.
He looked and sounded quite forlorn. Like a dog eating Tofurkey.
I gave my best Santa smile and reached over, patting him on the knee.
I think Santa has just the thing for you Johnny, old fellow.
I gestured toward the door at the back of the grotto which my man, Morris, stood beside.
You will find happiness though that door there. Merry Christmas!
Peon Johnny's face brightened and he got up, hastening toward Morris who opened the door with a flourish. A cold draught sprung up from the darkness beyond.
Eh, it's a bit dark?
Muttered Peon Johnny apprehensively as Morris herded him toward the gaping doorway.
Tis always darkest before the dawn, Johnny!
I yodelled, giving my big false Santa belly a jiggle.
Morris shoved Peon Johnny through. There was a squawk as he fell from sight. Then moments later a distant sounding wet thud.
Morris closed the door and nodded at me.
Right Anulus! Send the next one in!
.jpeg)
The next few hours passed by in a blur of festivity as one by one the homeless and tired peons came in to visit Santa. Eventually the well ran dry and there was no more left.
I raised a Brandy. to Anulus who now sat with me beside the fire.
A fine day's work, my friend!
I toasted him.
Yes old bean, it is such a good feeling giving something back to the community, isn't it?
He replied heartily, downing his glass and contentedly pulling out his pipe for a long suck.
Excuse me?
We both looked over to the door, around which a pretty young lady, her face framed with short blonde hair peeked round.
Ho ho ho! Can I help you my dear? Have you come to see Santa?
I put my Brandy down and jiggled my belly at her as if they were fully-laden testicles.
Oh no, I am a reporter for 'The Gazette.' We heard that you were doing a charity secret Santa gig for the homeless and hungry and I thought I would ask if you wouldn't mind being interviewed?
Get the fine lady reporter a drink, Anulus, would you?
I motioned at the seat next to me.
Please, take a seat. If you are not here to see Santa then you can call me Boomy!
I tweaked my big false beard to the side and gave her a gentleman's grin. She really was quite pretty. I felt a stirring in my Cobra Kai.
She smiled.
Thank you Boomy, I'm Sherry Bolsworth, pleased to meet you.
I took her hand and gave it a shake.
I do like a little Sherry!
I giggled.
She rolled here eyes good naturedly.
So, I understand you have been helping the poor and disadvantaged of our community? Secret Santa is it?
I leaned in close.
Yes, my dear. It is quite a simple thing. We invited the poor peons into our grotto for a festive chat with Santa before sending them out the back door to receive the gift of Christmas!
She looked over at the back door which Morris was now bolting shut.
That sounds lovely, so what exactly is in store once they go through the door?
She chirped.
I chuckled coldly in response, my mouth twitching up in a cadaverous smile.
Oh my dear. I cannot possibly say, after all...
.jpeg)
Lol :D I think this is the funniest Christmas post I read during these days :D Now there's just a thing I have to know: "what exactly is in store once they go through the door?" :D
I suspect it involves a very long fall into a very dark pit!! ;0)
Woow, we have had such a good smile, me & @dobartim as we were simultaneously reading Your Christmas Santa post. We were thrilled to know what was behind that door🤔🤔🤔? If it so excellent, maybe is worth to try????☺☺☺☺☺
Hehe, I wouldn't be going behind that door for all the tea in China!! ;0) cheers for reading lass!!
All the Tea in China, 😄😄😄😄😄😄😄😄😄😄😄😄😄😄😄😄😄 You have such a Talent for these Inteligently folded Expressions, so when I read Your blog I feel depressed for not reading those previous, on regular basis...Too much diving in the business🙄🙄🙄, I mean Me, too much work to do..
It can be hard, I feel the same, so much to read and so little time!!!
Lol thats fecking shocking lol
Posted using Partiko Android
Always an answer to every problem! :0D
It sure is, can i send my hubby to see that santa 😂😂😅😅
Posted using Partiko Android
Hehe, make sure the insurance is up to date ;0D
Haha will do
Posted using Partiko Android
I felt sorry for the peons who were expecting so much from Santa Claus but alas you betrayed them. I wondered what happened to the pretty lady. Was she dead as well? Upvoted!
I think the might lady will live to see another day!!
Cheers Uncle Boom for this awesome day...
Cheers too you too matey!!
Awesome story, hahaha and ho ho ho
Ho ho ho! It's the way he goes! Good old Santa!! Thanks dude!
See you in next story
Always!!!
In the paper the following day ...
SatanSanta Claus makes sure that noone is left hungry during Christmasand
Hunger is banished with a BOOM
It truly warms my heart.
That does warm the heart, you should do this for a living!!!!
Hey, there's nothing wrong with tofurkey. That stuff is actually quite tasty. Also, I feel like Uncle Boom could do with a visit from the ghost of Christmas future.
Didnt he get a visit last year? :O)
I quite like a Tofurkey roast but my oh my, dogs dont like it much!
Oh yeah. That's ringing a bell now that you mention it. Although now I'm amazed by how long this serial killer series has been going! So many bodies, so little police-connecting-the-dots. Probably the result of funding cuts to public services.
The state of police funding in the UK is a poor one it must be said!!
I will be stopping at 100. If I make it that far!
I think I speak on behalf of all the "Uncle Boom" fans when I say, I hope you make it.
Aw cheers lass!! I am sure I will. I might even not want to stop!
Getting all beggars off the streets for Christmas, such a worthy cause!
Truly, he will stop at nothing in aid of a charitable cause!!
They must be the dumbest peasants of all time, pfft, better off not spreading their seed, good call santa boomy ;)
Exactly, evolution in practice!! :0D
@meesterboom, would not want to find out what is the fate of those people who pass through that door, but no doubt there will be more material needs after it. someone has to do hard work.
I wish you a great day dear friend
It is a deep and dark hole back there, possibly not the best present!!!
It is a deep and
Dark hole back there, possibly
Not the best present!!!
- meesterboom
I'm a bot. I detect haiku.
Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas!! I've given you an upvote and left you this amazing automated comment!!
Hi @meesterboom!
Your post was upvoted by @steem-ua, new Steem dApp, using UserAuthority for algorithmic post curation!
Your UA account score is currently 6.322 which ranks you at #200 across all Steem accounts.
Your rank has improved 1 places in the last three days (old rank 201).
In our last Algorithmic Curation Round, consisting of 227 contributions, your post is ranked at #2. Congratulations!
Evaluation of your UA score:
Feel free to join our @steem-ua Discord server
Ohoho! Uncle Santa always doing the Lord's work and clearing the streets! Truly a wonderful Christmas present!
It's the most wonderful time of the year!
howdy sir meesterboom! haha.."cadaverous smile." I thought for Christmas Uncle Boom would do something in the Christmas spirit but I guess I should have know better! maybe next year.
i love Uncle Boom tell him merry christmas
I shall pass it on, of course!!