My Wartime Diary. Small pleasures of life in the sea of pain

in #mywartimediary2 months ago (edited)

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It has been a while since I last wrote.

I rarely write, so it's still hard. I'm like a sailor on a ship lost in the sea, staring at the horizon all day hoping to see the shore... Waiting and tension paralyze. Psychologists give the simplest advice that may seem trivial to the average person. Exercise, shower, walk. It's hard for me to force myself to do that, to break out this freezing. And the pain in my back has returned.

💭The war entered my everyday life and my consciousness. My beautician says it's scary. And I think that's good, because these new habits help to survive, and the war is not over. I have noticed that my subconscious is blocking out pleasant memories and emotions. But sometimes they break out, and then I cry. I often hear phantom sirens. And the roar of cars and motorcycles is annoying during an air raid, because it seems to me that I will not be able to hear and react in time to the sounds of an explosion, or a rocket flight, or the roar of an airplane.

📅📌 Kyiv is gradually recovering. In recent days, air raids have again become as frequent as in the first weeks. But, thanks to the Armed Forces, not a single missile fell on the city. On the streets you can increasingly see small kids with their parents, foreigners, including journalists, various celebrities. As well as queues for free food. Many locals have left, but there are also many refugees from the east.

📅📌 Last Saturday, for the first time, the weekend farmers' market officially started. The farmers' market is fresh produce and lower prices. There were few farmers, about a quarter of the usual number. I did not see any familiar faces.

I'm used to buying not what I want, or what I'm used to, but what they have. And do not complain. Before, I didn't know what stale eggs looked like. If stored properly, but for too long, the raw egg white is very difficult and sometimes impossible to separate from the yolk, it is so tight. In fresh eggs, the white is completely liquid and fluid.

📅📌 Life goes on, the economy revives. The other side of the coin - my 3-month loan deferral also ends this month. When I took out a loan, we expected use my monthly salary for monthly payment and live on Nick's salary. Our daily budget for each was about $15 a day (now it's $13 with current rate). And we managed to stick close to budget, more or less, but now Nick gets the minimum wage paid to him by the company, and that's all his income. So, we have 3 months to resolve this issue. The miracle did not happen, and the super-economy mode returns. The bad news is that prices have raised, and the good news is that our demands and needs have become more modest. However, the risks are still very high, but this is what I have no power to change.😳

📅📌 A friend of my friend called me and offered to meet. There are not so many of us in Kyiv, those who used to hang out together. For me, any meeting with a living person is a joyful event. We hugged each other with tears, and hold as long as it was decent.😚 We sat on the summer terrace of a cafe in the center of Kyiv, talking about everything. About the first terrible hours and days and, about friends who left, about gun license for civilians, about how we can be more helpful for our AF and country, and what will happen after the war.

l didn't realize the time, and I missed that the subway closes much earlier than usual. My friends were planning to take a taxi, and I ran to the subway. The entrance closed about a minute before I arrived, at 7:37 p.m. I had to take a taxi as well. BTW, municipal transport is still free in Kyiv.

📅📌 On Mother's Day I was alone. I would very much like to hug my mother and say "love you" in person. When I was growing up, she never said "I love you". Her childhood was extremely severe. She grew up in Siberia without a father who died in a KGB prison in Ukraine, and my grandmother's main task was to survive. I had a father who died from cancer when he was 56. We lived a little better, but we still in poverty, and my parents were just as afraid of the regime as their parents were. Afraid and hated. Ukrainians have never loved Soviet regime, so we do not miss it. And those who regret it don't identify themselves as Ukrainians.

But I'm a mom too. And my sweet daughter surprised me by sending a small parcel. T-shirt with the phrase, which became one of the memes of the 2022 war - "Good evening, we are from Ukraine", and a jar of nuts with honey. She decorated everything with yellow and blue stickers, and put a small handwritten note. Her handwriting has not changed since she was a little girl and wrote me the same notes with hearts. And she dedicated an insta story to me, and it was very touching. 💖 I am glad that I raised such a good girl.

📅📌 I became a Lucky Owner of “Russian ship go f…” postage stamp. 😍 When I received SMS from my local post office I almost forgot about it. It was quite a lot story. It took me a while to place the first order. After almost of hour of clicking and refreshing, I got to the finish with a message that I receive a link for pay later. The order had "waiting" status during a week or 10 days. Then I received an email from Ukrposhta, informing that my order was cancelled, but tomorrow at 9AM I will receive another link where I can reorder a postmark (only 1 stamp and 2 envelopes for one registered user), and it will be valid during an hour, and at 10AM online shop will start working for everyone. I clicked during an hour but couldn't finish the order. After 10AM I started over. BTW, prices were 10 times higher but it's still not a big money. Eventually, after 1,5 hours of clicking and refreshing I placed an order and payed it.


Well, it was worth it. I found at the post office, that W means international stamp, while F is domestic. When the staff heard that I had received the stamp, they begged me to open the envelope right there and show me what it looks like live. Other clients also came to see. I haven't felt this happy in a long time. I kept smiling all the way home. 😁


📅📌 In 2 days I received another package! It was from @livinguktaiwan 🤗. For the first time, not a military stuff but something for me personally 💙🙏 This is so sweet and touching! The feeling was like I'm a child unpacking a birthday gift (in fact, my birthday is in May). 😊 I don't know how, but she was right on point. You know, there are little things that seems not necessary (especially in terms of war) and you put off a purchase for better times. That's it! (Cookies ran out first 😊😋)


I was so surprised by fast delivery, it took only 8 days! I shared my joyful news with Nick, and he joked that the package probably travelled to Ukraine in the same container with NLAW. 😄 Here, I found that normal people have no idea what is NLAW. Yes, this is the way it should be.

📊 More good news and reporting.

I reached out to you for help in my previous post to raise money for collimator for Nick's division. I raised a half of amount from your donations and my post payouts, another half was sent from the special fund of my company - money that my work mates collected. And we bought that clever stuff and brought to Kyiv! Nick asked me to say THANK YOU!



📅📌 Nick has called, he has news too. There's going to be a change. Due to formalities and bureaucracy, their current status will change. On the one hand, it's good to have certainty. On the other hand, it depends on what awaits them. The good news is that changes will come soon.


Everything will be fine, but this does not mean that everything will be the same as before.


I see you buy stuff on Allegro. Do you know it is possible to use crypto on this website (via Bitrefill)? I heard about some limits in UA but I do not know is it only about buying crypto or also selling...

My friend is managing military stuff for UA. If you need something you can write to me and I can ask him. Maybe he would be able to get it cheaper. Привіт з Польщі! :)

Dziękuję Polsko!!! For everything you are doing for us, for most welcoming our refugees, for support from your government, we appreciate it very much! 💖

Now about Allegro and buying military stuff. I didn't know there is a way to pay with crypto on Allegro. Do you mean something like gift cards?

Actually, I often haven't enough crypto to pay a whole order, but I'll keep it in mind. Thank you for your offer, probably I'll reach out to you as war isn't over and we will need military stuff in future. If you don't mind, could you send me request on Discord (zirochka#3562) or Telegram (@zirochka_ua)?

Do you mean something like gift cards?

Yes. I do not know what would be better because BTC in UA is more expensive now so maybe it is better to change it on ₴ and pay via bank account. Anyway, it is possible to buy a gift card for crypto and use it as a payment method on Allegro.

Request sent :) Let's be in touch!

You got the stamps, that's so awesome!!

I'm so glad the parcel arrived safely, and became an accidental birthday present. Had I known, I would have definitely put a birthday cake in there 🎉🎂. It's not an ideal way to spend birthday and mother's day, but there are many things we can't control in life and just have to make the best of the situation. Let it be known, you are always in our thoughts.

Take care 😚

Yeap, stamps was a story with a happy end. 😊

I think you put some good spell into the package and it arrived quickly and safely. I talks to my school mate yesterday. Can you imagine, she said her international parcel from Poland came to Ukraine, then it was here for a while, and then they said it returned to Poland 😵 Sometimes it's a complete mess. Don't worry about the cake, those cakes were heavenly tasty 😍😍😍 Besides, I like baking, it's my stress relieve and salvation from depression.

Your stories of our refugees you wrote about yesterday were on my mind all night... Nevertheless good people are more. Thank you for all you're doing.

Sending many blessings and absolutely the psychological effects of such crazy stress on the human body is very detrimental.

Absolutely keep moving and start to do your best to keep busy now that the war has shifted to the eastern and southern France there is going to be so much that needs to be done.

However the entire world is shocked at the fact you are taking more territory back as well as holding the line in so many other places.

And on top of it there is still one city that has not been taken even though it's been surrounded....

Made this conflict to come to an end and may we all start to begin to heal after this conflict. And as well hopefully we can start to rebuild your country as well as your economy.

Stay strong!

✍ Pleased to see a new post and update from you! @zirochka ❤❤❤

And the roar of cars and motorcycles is annoying during an air raid, because it seems to me that I will not be able to hear and react in time to the sounds of an explosion, or a rocket flight, or the roar of an airplane.

I hate to sound cynical, but reacting to an air-raid by hearing the sound of the plane is a moot point. Flying faster than sound means by the time you hear the jet approaching, it's already passed by you. I count myself fortunate that when I was in Kharkiv we only ever heard planes flying overhead twice. For us, the danger was artillery, mostly fired from across the border in Belgorod (and safely out of reach of Ukrainian retaliatory strikes until Ukraine is ready to carry the war to Russia's soil). No less dangerous, but somehow a great deal less psychologically intimidating than a plane that reaches you before the sound of its approach does.

It gladdens my heart to hear that some aspects of normalcy are returning to Kyiv. I'm in hopes Kharkiv will soon be likewise so I can go back to the city I was perhaps too quick to start calling "home."

I understand your point of view. I don't have enough information to be sure, so my feelings may be irrational. In the first weeks, I often heard the roar of planes and often heard explosions. Sometimes explosions was our air defense, sometimes not, but I do know that there are planes carrying bombs. And we don't have many planes...

I watch the news from Kharkiv constantly. Now they are a little more encouraging. This is probably the only area where good news sometimes comes from. I want to believe that it will continue to be so, but it is still dangerous there, it is true, because it can still be shelled on from Russia's territory. take care of yourself!

Life has changed a lot over there and the change is not over, but I'm glad to see you smiling again and to know you get to spend some time with Nick. It must be hard for him too.

What a nice surprise you got from livinguktaiwan! In these tough days any present is a huge joy I suppose.

Take care my friend and hang in there as this madness can't take forever. The days this lunatic has among the living is numbered.

I am always smiling when I see Nick :) Even when I think of him. And he is always so happy to be home. The most precious things for him is a shower and a bed with pillows and a blanket. Oh, and homemade food 😊

We all so much look forward to this madness end. I pray for it every night.


After such a long time I guess its not just Putin... Russians wants blood and they will have to pay!

The war was on their minds long ago. Actually it started in 2014 when they seized first areas of Ukrainian territory. But I cannot understand why ordinary people have so much hatred and cruelty towards people who live in another country, and nothing bad has been done to them.

Here is a shocking conversation between russian mother and son I found today. WHAT do they say and HOW. Honestly, I couldn't make it to the end, I got sick.

Keep strong, I will try to listen...

The stamps! You got those awesome stamps! How very cool.

So much news that comes out of you today. It was exciting to see you and Nick together and the smiles. I am glad you had a wonderful Mother's Day and that is the first time I heard about your grandfather. How utterly horrific. :( Not enough poor family, then your father... I am so very sorry. You are such a strong person, you rise above it all.

I send you a cyber hug. I am on my way out, but, wanted to reach out and touch you for a moment.

Take care of your back ❤️ Nothing worse than a backache, except maybe a toothache. XOXO

Farmers Market! Yay!~

Yeap, these stamps are my valuable asset 😊

Take care of your back ❤️ Nothing worse than a backache, except maybe a toothache.

I promised to myself to do some exercises today, this is all I can do but sometimes just can't make myself. I couldn't describe how I miss a back massage.

Thank you so much for finding a minute to drop by!


I'm glad things are gradually getting better..

It might not be the same after this experience but just know that there are better days ahead. Look forward to it👌

I so much look forward to better days 💛 but now my main focus is to do all that is in my power to approach those days

That's the spirit!💯

Very nice update,@zirochka. Here in the states, we get limited coverage of the war.
Please remember that you are in the thoughts and prayers of many in the Hive community. You look well in the picture. Remember to continue to take care of yourself.
BTW, I love the postage stamp.

Thank you, @beststart ❤️

Here in the states, we get limited coverage of the war.

Probably no one has the entire picture. What we know is like a puzzle put together from different pieces of information - officials, volunteers, military people that we know personally. But still there is a lot of what's happing behind the stage... All we can is to have faith and keep doing all we can for our country and our victory.

The postage stamp is now my treasure :)

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God bless you...

Thank you

that stamp is awesome!

Yeah :) Thanks. It has also a sound wave on the frame with that famous phase but I didn't find how to play it yet

Everything will be fine, but this does not mean that everything will be the same as before.

Правильно, все буде ще краще :)


Я рада що ви живі! Тепер кожен раз коли чую що мої друзі живі - це велика радість. Вірю що все буде добре, але так як було раніше не буде... Біль поряд з любов'ю назавжди буде в серці...

Thanks for sharing your experience with us!

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Ukrainians have never loved Soviet regime, so we do not miss it. And those who regret it don't identify themselves as Ukrainians.

I know about that, initially, I was surprised but later I got habituated because this situation can be seen a lot in Kharkiv. I am happy that your days are getting better. Moreover, you are safe and that's the best part. How's your health doing?

The situation in Kharkiv is very quiet now, I have asked my landlord if it is possible to return. He said not now, take time for yourselves because it's a very dangerous situation still...

I was surprised but later I got habituated because this situation can be seen a lot in Kharkiv.

That is why Putin hoped that there would be no resistance in Kharkiv and other cities with a similar situation. But Kharkiv was the first capital of Ukraine for a reason! Once, it was once a center, the center of the Ukrainian elite, brave and patriotic. They were destroyed by the Stalinist regime. Then, the east of Ukraine suffered greatly during the Holodomor. A huge number of people died. Empty cities were inhabited by people from Russia. The situation is repeating right now in the occupied cities, nothing new.😠 Russia inherits the worst traits of the Soviet regime.

It's so nice to know you'd like to return! Many of my friends, from Kyiv, are far from Ukraine, and I don't understand why don't they want to come back. We need to support the economy of our country together 💙💛 But Kharkiv is another story, it's too dangerous indeed there yet. Just hold on a little longer, dear.

That's what I have heard about Kharkiv and the city is still holding and fighting against Putin. He is lying by saying that people want the soviet era and want him but the people who were pro-soviet, are also angry now and fighting against Russia. That's why the city is still not like Mariupol or Kherson.

Many don't want to come back because of safety and many started choosing Europe life for the future. Even here, many Ukrainians don't want to go though they are from the west part of Ukraine...I am going to take time and observe the situation, as I can go back anytime so no rush. I was very hyper when I fleed and didn't think wisely. But now I feel I should take time and observe so that when I go back, I can hold myself again...

This is a very wise decision 👍 Take your time 🤗
We just have another air raid...

Stay safe dear... I am praying for you...

Those stamps are awesome - totally love them !



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It's good to see you smile.
What is Nick's good news?
And what is NLAW? 😁

NLAW stands for Next Generation Light Anti-tank Weapon 😀 Weapon that is supplied from UK to Ukraine.
Nick's news is still ahead, and I'm not sure will it be good or not. Their division is going to be dissolved, and they have to take a decision where to go next. The current Nick's situation is such that he's not got payed as other military volunteers. In the same time, he combines military service and his work, and his income from work is about $ 370 per month - not enough at all for our family :((( This can't last for ever, so he'll either have to join AFU or quit and return home. Difficult choice...

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I'm glad things are getting a little better ♥️ This war will not last forever!