We do not get to choose the families we are born into. Sometimes, they do not even actively choose us. We just end up together. Or perhaps they do, through intent, fostering or adoption. These are our natal or nuclear families. We are tied to them through circumstance and obligation. But this does not mean we are a good match for one another.
Many nuclear families go nuclear. As in, they explode. They destroy each other starting from the inside, be blood or oath bond. We feel attachment. We tell ourselves (or are told) the story of obligation. We are shamed into staying until the pain becomes to much to bear, the cracks hidden beneath the surface become visible and pressure blows our world apart.
Right not, I am in the not so unique situation of choosing family that is not related to me in any traditionally accepted way. My natal family has cut off access to their love and is re-enacting abusive, silencing patterns due to my choices as a parent. They want me to raise my children according to their beliefs. Because I do not, I am cast in the role of black sheep as well as scapegoat, have been insulted, verbally abused, barred physical access and even had it requested that I turn over a child to be "raised correctly."
To all of this I say NOPE.
I have the strength for "nope" because, when I look around, it is plain to me that I have a new nuclear family. I'm not referring to my partner and the children born of us. I'm talking about the friends who have showed up in myriad ways to parent, sister, brother and love me every single time a blood family member does me harm.
We get to choose our family. We get to create bonds existing beyond blood or circumstance when those options bear only toxicity. I have been choosing a different family for myself daily, reaching out to the friends with whom I can safely exchange love, be heard, listen to, and feel at home with.
Home. Isn't that what we all search for?
@drwillwho wrote about blood/milk families in a post two days ago and why family should NOT be the most important people in your life. If you haven't read the piece, you should. We have freedom of choice. When the families we are given don't serve us, we are not obliged to serve them, especially when we harm ourselves in doing so.
Think about this: who shows up for you when you most need them? That is your family. Here on Steemit, @drwillwho has become my family. Other family members include @shapeshifter43, @rachelhanson10, @raymondspeaks and @sumayyahsaidso. These are just a few of you who touch my hearts by "hearing" me when I write my pain.
Pets are people too.
In my offline life, I have my dear friends Lili and April, Yulia, Becky, Dan and plenty of other sisters and brothers to my soul, including the man I choose every day to share my life with: @nat5an.
I believe family is an active, dynamic choice. I believe family should raise us up. And I believe we should be chosen and work to raise those who make room for us to be family to them.
What does "family" mean to you?
images from pixabay.com
I love this post and honor your strength and commitment to breaking cycles and raising your children in the way that’s best for them. You are so inspiring. Xoxo
Thank you, @teneiced. It's a challenge, but I do believe it's worth it. I am doing what I'm capable of even if it hurts. <3 Strong mamas, unite!
This is beautiful. I cut off the majority of my extended family well over a decade ago. It was essential for my mental health and to help in breaking the cycle of abuse that has haunted my extended family for generations.
I totally agree that 'family' doesn't necessarily mean blood relations, I have many people in my life that I consider family. At the same time, my own children are still very close to me and we all get together often just because we enjoy being together and supporting each other. I hope that they always feel that our little family is a good place of support.
Your post is beautiful and it is awesome that you are making conscious choices about what is healthy for your life.
Thank you for this amazing comment and share. I’m sorry you had to cut off the family ties, but it’s beautiful how self-aware that action is. Cycles of abuse are pernicious. I am working through my own grief about these changes. Right now I almost feel on pause, if that makes sense. If it feels good, I would love to read more about your process of creating boundaries. As a comment or a post. ❤️
It is a very difficult thing to do, but in hindsight, it was the healthiest decision I have ever made. I will think on writing more about my experiences on this subject. Since being on steemit, I've found that a lot of my processing is happening through fictional writing and that has been very therapeutic for me.
I am sure I will have a lot to write soon, as we are going to visit my mother after Christmas due to her failing health and that will involve a lot of processing=writing on my part.
I look forward to reading more of your writing as time goes to see how you are doing as well.
Writing is such a healthy way to process. I love how you are turning to fiction to control your narrative. Because you mention how you’ll need to process post-holidays, I have three openings in “Writng through Trauma to Truth” beginning January 16. If it feels like a good fit, I’d love to support your processing. And you are welcome to use fiction throughout the class.
https://creativewritingcenter.com/online-writing-course/writing-through-trauma-to-truth/
I am flattered that you would tag me as family, and I am truly humbled. You are an amazingly strong person with great kindness in your core and you deserve happiness. Thanks to steemit for allowing such family/tribe/clan (I'm scottish... not white sheets) bonds to form. You have, as usual, made clear a difficult and painful situation that so many struggle with. I hate that you have been hurt, and am so glad that new relationships are strengthening you, although speaking for myself, I get a lot more that I could ever get back from having met you and read your wisdom.
I am grateful for the process of getting to know you. I tagged you as family for a very specific reason—I began writing words I wished my family could hear and receive with grace. At the same time, you arrived and showed yiu were hearing me with grace. It was an enormous frustration lifted to know it was possible to be heard. I needed family in that moment and each moment you’ve shown up. It’s synchronous and wonderful. I hope we continue to connect.
As do I. You have beautiful thoughts and express them with depth and feeling. It is fortunate for us to get to hear you. I look forward to many more posts. Again, honored to be in your steemit family. You're worthy of being heard.
I am often in awe of you strong parenting abilities - you make me a better person for knowing you <3.
The religious tradition I was raised in says that we did choose our families in a spirit realm prior to being born into our physical bodies. I like this idea, due in large part to the fact that it helps me to be a person who is worthy to be chosen by my children and spouse. But this piece of doctrine also breaks my heart when my close friends have parents who are not behaving in that way.
But isn’t it part of tradition that those you chose are those who will help make you your best self? In that case, they are the ones leading you to your inner strength through pain, and outer, chosen family through circumstance. This has its own beauty.
Huh, I had never thought of it that way. But thinking about it now, you are absolutely right. <3
I hope it’s a helpful idea!
Yes, family is family and friends are friends, but sometimes friends are better for you than family, depending on the friend.
I am deeply grateful to have so many friends who serve as family.
<3 I am honored to be counted among the members of your family! Family is, indeed, the people who support you, the people who have your back in crisis, and the people who show up for you. If family demands anything from you, it is that you be the best version of yourself that you can be.
❤️❤️❤️❤️
Ah. I love this - thanks for mentioning me. I'm quite honoured to be your friend. I agree with this wholeheartedly! So glad you've taken the positive choice to choose your own family!
❤️❤️❤️
100% absolutely correct.
This is my life. My reality. I have to deal with the joys and consequences each day. I have eliminated almost all of the toxic entities in my life and this includes humans. I choose my family, and those I have chosen are closer than many in blood.
Perfect timing for this post, too, as the holidays can bring together many families who just aren't good for each other <3
Wow, I agree. we must not limit ourselves to blood ties. Beautiful post !!! xx Thank you for this interesting article and keep posting.