The past 24 hours have been shit. Between feeling out of place in my own community and discovering I have to figure out a new way to withdraw money, I got nothing done work-wise, and have been mostly sitting here, feeling wildly sorry for myself.
This isn't the first time. Living with GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) and PTSD is never really fun, but most days I forget them. Too busy being me. But sometimes those fuckers take over, screaming in my head that I am worthless, talentless, pathetic and useless to the world. And I have no way to silence them.
So I just deal the way I deal. I type up my thoughts. And where else will I type?
Accept
The first part is accepting that this day is shit, and there's nothing I can do about it. It's not my fault Visa are dicks toward cryptocard issuers. It's not my fault that every group larger than 10 people will develop some kind of drama in under a week.
Shit happens. Feces occur. Manure takes place.
And there's nothing I can do about it.
But my brain fights it. Old broken templates of response and action turn the anger at me and refuse to see the truth. Even if it's so obvious to me that I am not to blame, I can't shake the feeling like it is. Like I am the one who erred and caused the situations that pain me.
Forgive
My levels of productivity today have been an embarrassment. Feeling overwhelmed, I dealt with it like a coward and went to sleep for half the day. There's nothing I hate myself for more than wasted time and lack of productivity. And it's that self-loathing that often throws me into the land of anxiety, where productivity is not possible.
Sure, some things ARE my fault. I've made mistakes, neglected people who did not deserve the cold shoulder and kinda lost myself in between. But without forgiving myself for going easy on myself and for making mistakes like any other mortal - all I can do is suffer.
Look forward, step aside
So this day is shit, and it's not my fault. It's also fine that I cry, whine, bitch and hate everything so much I rather just sleep than live my life today. But dwelling on the shittiness of the situation right now will give me nothing. Sure, it's what my brain TRIES to do, but it's ineffective and stupid, bringing me back into the cycle of feeling overwhelmed by life and hating myself for it.
All I can do now if snuggle up with some common mild-altering substances (booze and weed), and let it pass. If I must, I can make task-lists for tomorrow, write my thoughts of steemit (hi) and distract my brain till it stops being such a bitch toward me.
Three simple steps. Sounds easy, right? It really really isn't.
Sorry for the venting and ranting, but I kinda needed to get this out of me.
Oh, how I know and hate these voices...!
The last years I had to learn to let myself have these days, that it's ok also not to be productive and to just cuddle my fluffy ones in bed (they are the only ones that can make us feel better anyway). I know already that no good work will come out of it, so why force myself? It'll only make me feel shittier :P
Hope tomorrow you will get your mojo back, till then- cuddle a cat ;)
I have 3 cats and 2 men in my life. So yeah. Gonna snuggle a few and sleep it off.
<3
Hey, venting and ranting is what Steemit is for sometimes! Although some very professional content is on here, we are also here as a support community for posts like this! Hopefully things pick up soon.
<3
Thanks. I don't know if I need a hug or a kick to the head.
Did you mean your xapo card not working anymore? Ive got an email too about bitpay, that so shitty..
Yeah. Moved my liquid BTC to bit2c and going to have to have a very hard talk with my accountant. Or lawyer. Depends how pissed off I wake up on Sunday. Fuck Visa. Fuck the banks.
Fuck the system. I need my own system.
bitin.co.il
Are they better?
Yes yes yes! Those last few statements are my core beliefs. I should get them tattooed! Could agree more. Banks are mankind's biggest enemy.
Poor turtle 😂😂😂😂
I totally understand what he feels, you know?
Just remember today maybe shit but tomorrow can be even shittier so hold on :D
!
Not to mention that very few people can make money by ranting! So it's not that bad!
Good point, that. :)
Do you mind if I join you? Hormones overloading and I start feeling that grumpy, low-valued, miserable creature with unsignificant life and achievements :(
But those are the times you need to say NO to your pathetic self and see things... downside up (:
Heh. We might be synced. :)
I wish you all the best.
Thank you!
good post friends but there is one suggestion from me. we must be patient with all these trials. But with this trial we can learn from our mistakes, because if in my opinion experience is the best teacher for all of us. Thank you
Upvote and resteem
There's a Russian saying that life is the best teacher, except it ends up killing all its students. :)
Thank you for your comment! <3
it never happened in india. but that is a rare item. same as my friend. i will always visit to your blog
Thank you for sharing your feelings with us! It's only human to have these bad days, I hope you know you're much appreciated in our community and I think you're great. Fingers crossed that WaveCrest saga will clear out.
Thank you. I am just having a shitty day. I love the community too, and I just needs some time to organize my time better with all the crytoshit taking over my life.
The email I got from Xapo basically said the card no longer works, will not work in the future, and they are looking into solutions. So I have no choice but to switch to some other service to liquify my income online, which is now mostly steem and SBD.
Positive attitude forward. Move it forward forget the past. Ha, I had one of those days yesterday. The really nice thing is that its over, sh (it) happened, now I choose the attitude I have and deal with it. Hope I don't sound preachy that's not all the intent. I just asked some crazy dude (i think his name is @lordvader) a question. After reading the other posts I could not stop laughing. Have a good laugh a move on. Best of luck today, and your trip around the sun in 2018!
Oh @lordvader is one of the pillars of steemit since, like, ever! It's hard to laugh it off sometimes, though it's always my first go-to distraction - lols.
I am a noob, he did have a meme post "I'm kind of a big deal." I should have known. Sometimes when I talk with steem pros I feel like I am Borat at that Texas rodeo.
Things will work out. Life is a bunch of interesting twists and turns for sure! 😊
Those fuckers >:(
They do say a problem shared is a problem halved, I don't know anything about GAD but can relate to your feelings - most likely many others will too sometimes once things start going wrong they just keep going wrong and you feel like you are stuck on an endless spin cycle of demise. But that they say is life, you either get on with it or let it get to you. More importantly I admire you honesty, sometimes our greatest content can be Bourne from real feelings - as Steemit grows more crowded finding the great gems of content creators keeps getting harder - I was so lucky to find you - a guiding light in the murky fog of posts that say so much but mean so little. I believe D-Ream said it best - Things can only get better.
<3
Thank you. You made me smile. And I am very lucky to have such awesome followers and authors to follow. It's why I am here. Between the drama and the shitposts, there are GOOD PEOPLE.
Wow @techslut. I felt like you were describing the exact conversation I had with my wife @beulinator yesterday. She had "one of those days" and suffers from very similar disorders as you, with very similar outcomes. In fact blogging about her feelings yesterday was a helpful process and it took her all day so don't feel like you have wasted your time 😊
I've been around long enough to see someone who has their head screwed on. You dealt with all of this very well, even though from an existential point of view it doesn't feel that way to you.
You formalized thoughts by writing them down, you self analyzed, you went to bed, a move that allowed body and mind the space they needed. You're doing a great job with a bad situation. What's more you're part of a community that's verry supportive. Rants are nothing to apologize for; they're a healthy way to process. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for the kind words! <3
Following you and your wife. Might even read around a little tomorrow. It's midnight so I am going to officially end this day and come back to steemit in the morning.
That sounds like a super plan. Tackle the new day with whatever it brings. Looking forward to hearing your views tomorrow. Sleep well!
@techslut, honestly rant more my dear ;) could read your rants more often, i believe that this is an artform not loved enough.
So go for it and let it out, i will be reading !
Kind regards
Jan
<3
Ranting is an artform? If so, I am an artist from birth.
So every dark cloud has a silver lining. Hmmm, has to be around someplace.
I hope you'll recover soon!
You don't have to excuse yourself at all.
Take your time and don't make yourself too much pressure.
There are better days to come, just go on!
No doubt. Thank you for your comment!
Would you be able to ping me on steemit.chat when you get a chance? If that is ok :) Thanks
Not a fan of the platform, but for you I will. :)
You know, one of the most transformative things I've read about mental illnesses, specifically depression at the time, is how people who suffer from long term depression also exhibit symptoms of PTSD. It makes you realize not just how hard it is to deal with, but the sort of long term effects it has on you.
As for sleeping half the day, I'm not sure that's just the coward's day of coping, and I have to put my two cents that coping is better than, well, dying, but that these things put a lot of physical stress on us. I remember when my heartbeats per minute were 120 for a period of 3 days. You know what that does to you? It tires you out. Not to mention serotonin and other related things.
But yes, realizing a day is shot, and forgiving yourself for lack of productivity? It's not easy, and I often only get there after half a day, or 3 days of feeling terrible with myself, but that's the only thing I've found to work. Aside from "Just work anyway. Just don't be depressed!" sort of nonsense.
Thanks man. That last line sound so very familiar...
The depressed person has many crosses to bear, but that one's probably the (second) worst.
Life is like learning to juggle, each drop is one step closer to perfection.
Don't get angry or upset at yourself if you drop the ball, it's how we improve and means your trying (which is 100 times better then someone who didn't even try).
In the end we are all just human beans (vs. beings) :). I also suffer from GAD it's shit! i didn't always..is the pressure of being an adult and working too much that brought it on for me.
Hope you feel better soon.
Cheers
Thank you! And it's hard not to be upset at myself when I have a bad habit of expecting perfection,
Am I the only one who has a shit day then gives myself shit for allowing a shit day to bother me, which then just makes the day even shittier?
An all around shitty shituation.
@techslut I feel sorry for you :(:(:( be good