As I do daily, I hiked in the conservation park adjacent to my house this afternoon. For most of it I was having a conversation with someone very close to me and, as we do most days, we chatted about many things small and large, laughed and joked together.
I was on the phone with her yesterday also and were speaking about children when I began to relate a short memory from my own youth in respect of my dad and from one moment to the next I couldn't speak; I choked up with emotion and went silent. She immediately said, hey, it's ok, take your time, and so I did. Eventually I got the words out and our conversation flowed away to other topics - But the thoughts of my dad lingered.
In the story I was being cheeky and a little disrespectful to my dad; I was around ten years old and now, at fifty one, just thinking about it makes me cringe because I was so disrespectful of that man I called dad - Yes, I was a kid but it shames me nonetheless.
My father was the most humble and kind man a person could ever meet; He was selfless, so generous despite him having little to give, and respectful to a fault. He was a true gentleman, polite and courteous, articulate in his speech, a great writer and communicator...I'm very proud of him and am grateful to have benefited from the many lessons he taught me over my life; Some by example and some by instruction.
Dad left us in July last year and, I'll admit, I miss him very much although it doesn't always come out like it did yesterday. I'm usually stoic and generally don't allow that sort of emotion out; Certainly not in front of people - Some close to me leaving me feeling comfortable though and that's what happened yesterday so...Yeah, I guess it happened and that's all there is. It's not the first time and won't be the last. I'm not embarrassed.
Today during my hike I was still thinking about this situation; My dad and the feelings I have and that I felt comfortable to release them like I did. I miss him at the oddest moments and over the oddest things. I can write about it now and be totally fine, but yesterday? I couldn't even relate a simple story involving him.
I'm not sure if it's strange - I'd say not though. I know my dad would have an answer but he's not here to give it and so I walked along and wondered. As I laboured up the reasonably steep incline I took note of my surroundings and realised they mirrored my thoughts; I was thinking about death, my dad's specifically; That I miss him so much.
All around me were dead things and only today did I take any real notice. Usually I'm spotting kangaroos, koalas, snakes, lizards and birds...Today? Maybe it was my mood, but it seemed the walk of the dead. I decided to take a few images which are what you can see here in this post, all from my hike today.
Dead grass, dead trees, leaves and flowers. As I began to take photos I'd look at the shapes, the textures and thought of my dad again...He was a very good artist and he would have been commenting about these things and more...The colours, possible compositions, how he would frame a painting, the way he would capture the breeze making the dead grasses sway. It made me miss him of course, but also recall how he would always find the good in things and always find beauty where others could not. Maybe I learned that from him too; I don't know, but I saw beauty in dead things today.
I wrote my dad's eulogy last July but didn't have the courage to read it at the service myself; It truth it was more that I didn't want to stumble over it but have it read clearly and with conviction which is how my dad did things.
I have never shared any of it however I will today, just a very small part as below. I have edited it slightly to remove names but otherwise is the same.
A small excerpt:
Our father would often say:
“I have led an amazing life. I have travelled the world, married a beautiful woman and have raised five amazing children. I am happy and content.”
He said that a lot towards the end and it brings us comfort knowing he held little regret and was content the painting-of-his-life combined so many vibrant brushstrokes of his own design. It is incredible how a man who desired so little in life felt he had so much.
Is it possible to summarise a person’s life in only a few minutes and could words ever do a life of eighty-four years true justice? We do not believe so and that’s why we will honour and respect our father moving forward, carry his legacy and continue to paint a little of him into our own lives.
We will take the lessons he taught us, the passion and personality that defined our father, and teach that to those who come after us. His grandchildren will know how to paint their lives in the image of their choosing, just as their grandfather did.
Dad is gone and we are left behind to remember the kind, humble, generous, patient and passionate man he was and to design and create our own ideal lives; It is what he did and would want for all of us to do.
He painted his life with vibrant colours, amazing creativity and with passion. It is something he would wish for each of us and, whilst he is not physically here to guide us, he lives within us all and in any who knew him.
Each day is a blank canvas to be painted the way we wish it to be; If dad was here with us now he would say that, and support us in our endeavours to do so. He would tell us that life is full of twists and turns, but must be celebrated and lived to its full extent.
Our father and friend is no longer where he once was; He is now everywhere where we go, as we carry him in our hearts and memories.
I'm not a religious man and am pragmatic by nature. I've seen death and do not fear it, I am stoic and can seem stolid at times to those who don't know me...But I'm much more than that. I guess I'm the v2.0 of my dad, the same as he, through exposure to him and a lifetime of learning the lessons he taught me, but my own man as well. I kind of like that thought, being a little bit him and a lot me. It's nice to know for sure that he's still with me.
So...The walk of the dead...Yeah, it was a little like that today, my mood focused on those aspects of my surroundings...But I'm alive thanks to my dad and it was his influence that helped me see my surroundings differently today. Not as dead things, but simply the world around me. It reminded me of that passage I wrote for his eulogy:
Each day is a blank canvas to be painted the way we wish it to be; If dad was here with us now he would say that, and support us in our endeavours to do so. He would tell us that life is full of twists and turns, but must be celebrated and lived to its full extent.
Design and create your ideal life, don't live it by default - Tomorrow isn't promised so be humble and kind
Discord: galenkp#9209
Your father sounds like an incredible as well as wise man and it is very clear that you hold a lot of love and respect for him. We are all foolish, careless and often times cruel when we are young, so don't be too hard on yourself. Part of being a parent is expecting that because it was done by you when you were a kid, your parents when they were - so on and so forth.
For any parent, the "end goal" is that our kids grow up, recall and begin to live the values we instilled in them when they were younger - the mistakes in between hold no relevance at the end of the day and wisdom also teaches a person that the falls are a part of the process. If we didn't fall - we would never learn how to get back up.
Your moments of emotional expression are also a symbolic version of that - the falling down and getting back up. It signifies the depth of your heart and love for somebody very special to you - and you no, you needn't EVER be embarrassed.
Your eulogy was beautiful. Thank you for sharing something as personal as that with all of us here. That in itself is sign of increasing strength @galenkp.
Beautiful photos as always.
Dad was a nice man and I think you would have gotten along well with him had you had the chance to ever meet him - He was...Spiritual and soulful I guess.
As a man who will be childless for his life I feel I'm not receiving my own payback. Self flagellation isn't my style either. Maybe the universe will punish me; I certainly deserve it.
Reading your words on this subject, the meaning of them, carries weight as I know, somewhat, how you are with your son. I'm afraid I'll never understand through lack of my own situation, but I suppose I sort of get it. I might not have a child, but I was one, and have a good memory for the good and bad I experienced.
Thank for your kind words on the eulogy...It's much more than that snippet I put on this post and maybe one day I'll share it all. I just spoke from the heart and in the only way I knew how.
Thank you for your comment as always. It is valued.
Celebration of life, memories rush in during the odd moments, something captures a thought that takes us back in time.
Part of our parents live on through us the children, passing knowledge down, a favourite saying of my Mom's was "Feast your eyes" whenever outdoors, travel or in the garden. How true we come to realize each moment is a new canvas to fill whether emotionally, in our minds eye, or sit mesmerized by it all.
Rebellious when younger our parents instilled the right mix into us to be able to sit back now reflecting, crying, yearning for them to be with us just for a moment in time, so glad you had a quality moment yesterday in your hike.
I like that feast your eyes ethos...It's simple but says much.
I am who I am partly because of my father and he would approve of my moments and that I design and create my life.
Thanks for your comment as always.
Quiet guiding hand on your shoulder is still there, that never leaves one, almost an echo... "Like Father like Son as the saying goes".
Both my Mom and Dad were very different in creativity teaching basics to us coming from very different backgrounds, never a dull moment. Many lessons learned, some took longer but eventually got through the thick skull.
Lol...I have one of those too, a thick skull, but yip, something penetrated. :)
Grief is so complex. Some days memories make us smile, other days, they make it hard to even think straight.
You wrote a beautiful eulogy. Such poignant words. Thank you for sharing.
Sharing this small part of the eulogy I wrote felt kind of nice, like it allows a few extra people to understand who he was, and in turn, who I am to some degree. Thanks for your comments, I appreciate it.
!ENGAGE 15
ENGAGEtokens.Well now, I have done a few funerals in my time and heard a few eulogies Galen, but nothing as well written as yours.
The one major complaint that I have gathered from all of them is one simple sentence.
"I should have done more for him/her"
Now I know that you did all for him that you could for your dad, even right up to the end, but even I was guilty of that one sentence.
You have all of my respect for what you have done for your father and I wish that I had done the same for my own when they were suddenly taken away.
I plagues me to this day, but such is life.
So yes, you have done well and I bet that your dad is proud of you.
Thank you, you're too kind. One day I'll possibly share the whole thing. It actually felt good to show a few people who he was through my words so I'm glad I shared it.
The should have done more sentiment is commonplace I'd say. I feel it even though I did a lot...But he's not feeling it now, doesn't care, and I'll just live the life he would have wanted me to.
Thanks for your comment.
!ENGAGE 15
Yes, it was a good thing to show your dad to all of us and always great to read for us that had no fathers.
I am self made and often wonder what I would have become if I had a dad like yours.
But so our lives are written and it is what it is and one can only try your best with what you have emotion wise.
I always love it when people honour their parents and you are one of that kind.
Thanks Zac.
👉❤️👈
ENGAGEtokens.Beautiful.
Brother I've led three eulogy's already and I'm only 45. You ain't missin anything.
Yes man, never an easy thing. I've done it, just couldn't for my dad.
Mom sucked. They said I flew through it. I write three pages. Don't remember anything.. fast, slow, it's a blur.
Happy hump day.
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Your dad did live a good life and I'm happy you are proud of him even when he was not here any longer. This made me nostalgia, i remember some moment i had with my grandma since i spent my teenager year before she left this world. She was a good mother and i learnt a lot from her. At times we do have our differences, that is life anyway. We make mistake since human is actually prone to error.
All humans make mistakes, it's what they do when it happens and post-mistake that counts.
Hmm! Well said. Some are lucky due to where they are located
In my opinion, once someone or something was born, they need to learn, accept and be happy with the death soon or after. Through your photos, the death is beautiful.
Death is part of life, so many fail to remember that and feel that life is forever, and subsequently put off tomorrow what could be done today. It's not my style.
Que lindo recuerdo, yo tambien recuerdo mi padre y me hace mucha falta,. Aunque la relación no fue la deseada. Recordar su presencia y sus palabras arrugan el corazon, pero al final hay que agradecer su vida y su maravillosa creación..en nosotros
Lindos paisajes
Thank you yes, remembering parents can be a double edged sword.
I think that dealing with a loss can never be fully understood by people outside of the situation. There is beauty in decay and death, in a sense that somehow although some things that seem gone are still with us. In spirit.
From the eulogy I liked this the most
Each day is a blank canvas to be painted the way we wish it to be
Thanks Mary, much appreciated. It's not been eas despite being reasonably accustomed to the concept of death.