I was having a discussion with Smallsteps this afternoon about "judging a book by the cover", a saying she hadn't heard before but understood and gave some examples that resonated with her, like judging a person based on their handwriting. It led into a discussion about behaviour and my own belief that people are people first and foremost, which means no matter of their position in society, they are human like everyone else. This has been one of my guiding principles in life which has served me pretty well, but also got me "into trouble" occasionally.
It has served me well in respect to being able to talk to all kinds of people as equals, no matter what position they hold, ranging from professional sports stars to a couple Finnish prime ministers and presidents. To me, they are just people doing a job and while they are well-know, public figures that many might admire or dislike, they are humans who act like humans. And because of this, I treat them as such, with the same respect the waitress at the café gets.
This has got me into trouble occasionally though, because while most of the people I have talked with respect my position and actually find it refreshing, there are a few who believe that because of some label they have, they should be treated differently to others, they should be revered in some way, looked up to. I actually have no problems "looking up to" someone, but it is never based on their title - it is based on their behaviours.
Behaviour matters, which means that to hold my respect, they have to act respectfully. I generally give people respect from the start and then it becomes theirs to lose from there, through they way they behave and treat others. If they believe themselves above others and treat the people around them poorly, it is pretty much a sure-fire way for me to label them "a dick" and lose my respect. This doesn't mean I can't interact with them, because it is necessary at times to cooperate with people you don't like, such as in a workplace, but it becomes a professional relationship only, with low emotional input.
What sparked the conversation to begin with was me taking Smallsteps with me to a store and she watched me interact with the sales person, who I had met twice before. After the interaction, Smallsteps asked how I knew so much about her and how she remembered me considering I had only met her a couple times earlier for a few minutes at each. I explained that getting to know people is easy and all it takes is being openly interested in them, instead of just what you want from them. Being memorable isn't about how you look and act, it is about how you make the other person feel. Service quality goes up as a bonus.
But it isn't just for service. After meeting quite a few different kinds of people who most would consider popular, they meet thousands of people and they all blend into each other, with a lot of ass-kissing. They don't get treated like normal people at all and while that might be desirable for normal people, it isn't always desirable when that is daily life. It gets tiring to always have to put on a face that is expected to behave in a certain way, never able to let the guard down.
They play the part.
But, most of the same people like to be themselves but can't be, so when someone gives them a little space to interact as themselves, they remember it, because for a moment, they feel normal. And what I have found over the years is that while I am pretty shy in many respects, I am pretty open and daring with people who many fear to talk to. I am not sure why, because I have no desire to be recognised myself, but talking to recognisable people is quite easy for me. Maybe because I am no fanboy of anybody.
They are all human.
The lesson for my daughter in all of this was that if she wants to be treated well in life, she has to act the part of that kind of person. Playing the part is a bit different, as it connotes that it isn't really the way the person is, but acting the part is the action of that kind of person and if doing it enough, it becomes habitual. Personality might be innate in some ways, but we also change based on our behaviours and experiences, so if we increase our behaviours in ways that increase our experiences of particular areas, our personality will shift with it.
Given her parents, my daughter is short and as a result, many of her friends treat her like she is younger than she is. In the future, this will work to her advantage in some ways, but now, it frustrates her. However, if she plays the part they put her in, they will keep treating her that way and if she continues, it will become part of her personality, and hard to change. If she wants to be treated as her age, she has to act her age and due to her height, be a little more bold, a little firmer, a little more mature than others.
Speak from the chest.
If you want to be heard, you have to speak from the chest, which is something people struggle to do when they are speaking to people they believe are somehow above them in status. Many people become more nasal and this carries less weight and authority, but also gives the impression of insecurity and uncertainty. If you want to be taken seriously, speak in a way that is heard.
Our actions matter.
They are who we are. It doesn't matter what we wear or how we do our hair or what title we have. At the end of the day, it is how we carry ourselves, our behaviours, our tone of voice, and of course, how we make people feel in our presence, and out of our presence. We often forget that we are always communicating to others and while we can't control how they perceive us or what they think of us, we can learn to control our behaviours so that we are better able to navigate our experience and make the impact we want to make.
It is definitely something I have to work on.
Don't play. Be.
Taraz
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I'd say acting is fair game from time to time. When some bloated type comes around, I don't have a problem faking a different style of behavior towards them - to a certain point. It's not genuine, though, and that's my "vengeance" so to speak. I rather have those conversations that you had with the women, honest interest, honest laughs. I work in service mostly, so I adapt superficially, but I don't connect on a deeper level like I would with someone that doesn't demand a special treatment for reasons of pride.
For sure, but there is a time and place. Some people think that "fake it til you make it" is a way to live life. But all they are doing is fooling themselves, trying to do things that are not "them".
Acting in any kind of service is often a performance. You don't have time nor heart space for genuine interactions and self preservation is necessary (I was a teacher and did hospitality til I was 30 too). Doesn't stop the genuineness breaking through in chosen moments though..
I think my biggest issue is actually caring about the other person enough to ask those questions. I know that sounds a lot worse that it probably really is, but these days, you run the risk of finding someone who wants to share their entire life story with you. Which if it was interesting, it might not be a bad thing, but it's mostly just trailer trash drama most of the time. Trust me, I know how that sounds. It's just hard to open that door when it generally takes something pretty significant to actually hold my attention.
I don't see the problem in that approach. With so many disconnected and lonely people now, there are many willing to jump on the chance to talk about their little lives, making mountains from molehills.
My wife and I went out to breakfast a couple weekends ago. We paid our check and when the waitress brought back our receipt she went on a ten minute long story about her Christmas tree she bought on Amazon. What can you do but smile and nod at that point... We just wanted to pay and get out of there!
'Don't judge the book by its cover’ is a popular saying that many of us ignore. There's a saying in my locality here that goes, having expensive attire doesn't always translate to a 'better position or highly important person'
I must say that I had similar experiences, I’ve met people who were considered “important” or “high-ranking,” and just like you said, once you treat them as humans and not as titles, the interaction becomes more natural. I remember once meeting a public official whom everyone around treated with fear and over-respect. But when I spoke to him calmly and casually, he relaxed immediately and we ended up having a normal conversation and this led to opening more doors than trying to impress someone. But not all highly respected people like talking casually to particularly when you don’t know them.
I'm sure your daughter is smart and she can find her way by getting the kind of respect she deserves considering her height which wasn’t her fault in the first instance.
It is these who are often the most fragile, insecure ones. The ones who have revenge on their agenda whenever they feel somehow slighted. They are petty.
I used to be a different person until I started having kids and my way of life changed totally. How? I was this young lady who always wanted people to know that I was rich. Eventually, I started to do a waste picking job which made me look dirty almost all my life.
But then, I was making huge money from it. When people see me, they try not to judge me cos I’m dirty and they always make me feel inferior. Even at that, I was way richer than the majority of them. At last, when I told people that I made $5,000 from my waste picking business to start my grocery store, they were shocked.
You never can tell who people are if you don’t ask them.
Nice training to Smallsteps
And a lot of people never ask and rather base all their opinions on their assumptions - tat way they can never be wrong. Because they never find out they are wrong.
Well done in your business.
That's why I don't count wealth as greatness. That means I don't "look up" to you just because you're a millionaire or billionaire.
Something only counts as greatness if it's a quality you possess that has caused some positive changes in the lives of those around you or capable of doing so. Like someone who possess a flair for numbers, or is resourceful, or is industrious, etc. When you use this qualities to impact society well then you're great in my book.
Though you can possess these qualities and still treat your fellow humans like shit, well I will still count you as a great person. But you'll also be a terrible person and lose all or most of my respect.
I can respect what someone does as a job or sport, without liking the person. But if I am interacting with the person, what they do doesn't matter much of they are a terrible person.
There's indeed a great lesson and message you just passed @tarazkp
Our actions matters, the way we react to certain circumstances is very important also. These aspect alone makes our absent to be felt positively and if twisted wrongly the negativity of such personality begins to spread. If as a leader who lead but having it at the back of your mind that you're also serving the masses as a leader that alone has spread a positive vibe of the capable things we are even yet to do. I van understand how your daughter feels, my elder sister was in same situation, been the eldest yet the shortest made her feel less important, we mistook her height for her capabilities, how naive we were as kids.
Leadership is harder these days with younger people, because they don't have much respect or commitment to anything that doesn't make them feel good. In the workplace, not all tasks are feel-good tasks, and there is a lot of room for criticism for people without the experience to do a great job. But rather than take the learning, they just take offence and become bitter. And then, they expect that they get catered to because they are so special.
I admire how you tied this to your daughter’s experience. It’s kinda true that if people box you into a role and you keep playing along, it becomes your script. Teaching her to stand firm, and carry herself with intention will take her far and build discipline, your daughter is lucky to be learning these lessons early. Many adults never figure this out or they figure it out too late.
Yep. It says "if this is what they think of me, this is how I will act".
I had a similar discussion with a friend today, he told me that the symbol of the law is black and white, meaning that the law is blind and does not pay respect to anyone, everyone has to abide to it. I think that is how we should treat people, with respect and love not regarding their social status or whatever they have. But it's not like that in many environment, like in my own environment the rich and affluent in the society is accorded all respect and sometimes the law is structured to favour them or even omitted because of them.
Which is not good because we are humans and deserve to be respected and also respect others.
As for Smallsteps, she'll do perfectly fine. You already know what kind of adjustments she need and I trust that you're going to guide her very well.
The problem with the law example is that some people believe they are "above the law" and based on their wealth or status, it is too often true. A lot of people believe that for some reason, they are special and deserve special treatment because of it.
I really like the point about treating everyone the same, whether they’re a president or a waitress. It’s funny how the world teaches us to look up or down based on titles, but the moments we remember most are usually the ones where someone made us feel seen as a real person. Your story about the saleslady is a great reminder that being curious about people not for what we want from them, but who they are changes the energy completely. Respect really does start at “hello.”
It was funny with the Sales person, because I was telling Smallsteps the things I knew about her and she asked, how'd you find all that out so fast? My wife would say the same when we would dance and I would spend three minutes dancing with someone and know a lot about them. It is easy - just be interested and listen.
It is true that behavior is very important for us. If a person's behavior is good, then it is natural for people to respect him, but if his behavior is bad, then it is natural for them to criticize him in secret and disrespect him, even if not in front. I have seen this especially in the case of one of my colleagues. When he behaved badly with people, many people would come to me to complain or express their regrets and also try to disrespect him.
We all behave poorly from time to time, but some people seem to make it their default. Often it is the people who "demand respect" who are the worst behaved.
I think this is an important lesson for everyone, particularly for younger people, about valuing authenticity and showing respect in all interactions.
Authentic, but not reactive to their emotions. A lot of the young think that acting on emotion is authentic - but it isn't.
My husband gets a bit star struck at times. Like 'did you know he's such and such and earns x per year and blah blah' and then he looks at me and remembers I don't give a fuck. I honestly don't. Who cares? Until I meet the person and see what they're actually like I'm not rating them haha.
I wonder if it's an old school Australian thing. We usually are about the level playing field. I think that's changed recently,perhaps due to the image heavy digital world and influence of US, but traditionally it's been more about your actions and being a good bloke above all else.
And we are very good at chatting away to random people in shops. I remember doing this in the UK when I lived there for six years and they'd be taken back. You kinda learnt NOT to for a while, til my Aussie nature asserted itself and I still would extract stories from strangers.
Yeah, I reckon that's your SA breaking through.