I got to thinking the other day which is something I shouldn't have to do anymore, it's 2021-19 outside, thinking's unnecessary and I don't like steps. I have two email addresses full of thought provoking material. YouTube knows what I want, they have my recommendations shined up and pretty in one click. Between them, inboxes and everyone who knows more than me, I haven't had to think for myself since the 20th century. I'm an iOS user, too, Apple's got my back. Plus I got you guys, my fave. My wife has instawhatever it's called, there's that. TV's in the Gym I fucking hate TV's in the gym!!
(◕‿◕✿)
Distraction
I'm a walkin talkin, hyphen-typin, don't belong writin sentences that rhyme & I don't know why I'm even tryin when it's irrelevant all I meant to admit is I'm an opinion receivin, time restraint exceedin, media feed readin magnet.
Opposite
(っ◔◡◔)
So when I got to thinking the other day which is :repeat: So when I got to thinking the other day which is a repeat of sentence 1 in this article you qualified group of resourceful fact checkers you, it hit me like a sexual misconduct charge in New York:
STAT!!
'Hello' :tap tap: 'Hi, my name's DanDays.'
Hi DanDays!
'I laugh at shit I probably shouldn't admit. It's been less than 20 minutes since my last relapse when I increased the immaturity level to already inappropriate sign language.'
It's ok, DanDays. Let it out. Nice deep breaths. You're safe now. This is the safe zone.
'I laughed out loud at the obituaries the other day, I didn't mean to! I shouldn't have been there, I didn't mean to go there. Damn autocorrect! I meant to type observatory. Then I saw Kathy Pitchett-Quick on the bottom of this list and without even thinking I scrolled through the remaining list of dead people searching for a clever first name to accompany the lovely Miss Pitchett-Quick and found Justin Taylor. Just-in Pitchett-Quick. I laughed again. There's a Richard on the list, too, imagine your father in laws name is Dick Pitchett-Quick. I laugh at obituaries.'
'I laugh and pretend I'm not laughing when people trip over their own feet in public. I'm genuinely concerned for their safety but I can hardly contain myself, it's hilarious! I'm dying on the inside—love it! The more spectators the merrier. Only thing better than some poor bastard I've never met falling on his face in a crowded environment is just before he falls, in that fraction of time before he instinctually throws both hands in front of him to brace for impact, he launched two bags of take-out through the air and its phô.'
'Or the frozen pizza box the other night when step 1 said "remove pizza from packaging." I couldn't help it! I laughed. Railroad crossing arms aren't installed until after however many people died in the intersection.'
'Echoing air horn rattles neighboring windows at the speed of a locomotive. Three conductors up front shitting theirselves, screaming everything they can think of as loud as they can scream it at the waiting vehicle just ahead but it's not moving. The driver and two passengers can't hear anything over the new radio—didn't feel a thing.'
Ka'pow❗️
'Split the Volkswagen in two, wasn't the first time. Blood and guts lathered those tracks for miles until city council approved a pair of crossing arms. A lot of motorists met the same fate. I thought about how many houses must've burned to a crisp before they changed "preheat oven to 450" in step 1 to "remove pizza from packaging" and laughed out loud.'
'I think it's funny when a tow truck's being towed by another tow truck. Look, I'm as confused as you are, I can't explain these things like a dentist with bad breath. Or when all I meant to do was be a good friend to Ray on his way to marriage counseling but when I typed something something relationship, autocorrect said something something relationSHIT! I know I shouldn't but I do, I laugh out loud at these things.'
'Suicide note—hear me out! I didn't mean to laugh out loud, it just happened. Easiest way I've found to avoid laughing at potentially harmful literature is by not reading it. I didn't mean to read it, it wasn't intentional. I should've X'd out or scrolled back or flipped the page or something but I didn't when I found Pennsylvanias state treasurer, Budd Dwyer's suicide note. Dude got convicted for bribery at age 55 and sentenced to prison. His note said he didn't want to cause "financial or mental harm" after first being convicted of bribery followed by blowing his head off and I think the irony's hilarious.'
'I laugh when someone burns their eyelashes cuz they got too close to the flame. Or when they bite into painfully hot food and frantically fan surrounding oxygen in a last ditch effort to prevent blisters from forming in and around their mouth—hysterical! I offer no assistance in these situations, instead I pay close attention and laugh at their expense.'
'My buddy's daughter was about five years old, dude nobody knows stops by to pick up firewood. My buddies wife is pregnant, buddies daughter is well aware mommy's pregnant and understands this. Dude buying firewood brought his wife, she's really fat. Doesn't bother me, I don't care, I'm just telling you she was really fat cuz she was really, really fat. Five year old daughter says to dudes fat wife, "my mommy's got a brother in her belly too!" Hashtag Defenseless, I laughed out loud.'
DanDays, if I may, excuse me. My apologies, I'll be quick, you're doing great! Excellent! Unfortunately we only have the building for an hour.
'Yeah, ok. Wait, are you serious? Of course! Sorry, I have a tough time taking anything seriously like a tattoo artist in socks and sandals. Thanks for having me, enjoy the rest of your weekend, all that stuff. I'm late to somewhere I'm supposed to be anyway.'
'We found a giant nativity in Rome. That's not the funny part. Everyone's decked out in Christmas gear, chestnuts are roasting on every other corner. There's about a dozen church choir carolers dressed like biblical times singing Glory To The New Born King in front of the thing, we stopped and listened. Everyone's an amateur film producer with their camera phone recording when suddenly a young girls voice from the middle of the audience somewhere echoed louder than everything else, "mommy, you're drunk again!"
!PIZZA
@dandays! I sent you a slice of $PIZZA on behalf of @dksart.
Learn more about $PIZZA Token at hive.pizza (1/10)
I'm not going to leave a comment, nor read any of them either...!!! 34...!?!?!?!? Life's too short
36 now with your character count you weren't gonna count and now this response. You know it only took 5 years before they came around. Musta been something I said. Not you though. My man @angryman saw right through me.
Talking about about appreciating the finer things in life😄
I bet a cabin and a creek is too slow of living for your over acting mind.😀
I'm appreciating your consistency right now too and I'm glad you understand I gotta go keep up with myself!!
my consistency for other people....
as consistent as mashed potatoes but hard to digest at times!
Try a whole one that hasn't been washed yet.
Ewwewwwwwweew.
Hey ::pist:: you still
UP?
I am now. That was dope!
Really you like? That had to be one of the most amazing mixes I have heard bro I just got some new Yamahas and a Yamaha subwoofer. last night was so f****** amazing with five hours of that to break in my system
Really. It's been a long time since I had a heavy dose of good electronic with serious sound. Ever since I couldn't stand for long periods of time I guess. Go figure.
But yeah, I still love a good break beat.
You want breakbeats?
https://m.soundcloud.com/dj-icey/automatic-static-2020-episode-3
Great standup set, sir! Lots of swell little gems in there. I admit the Tommy Lee joke got me pretty good, that was a sly way of executing a dick joke for sure. I bet Kathy Pitchett only got hitched with Mr. Quick just so she could hyphenate his name onto hers, for the lols. P. S. watch out for containers that contain peanuts, because they contain peanuts.
No shit?? Does everything that contains nuts say contains nuts or just peanuts? Nuckin futs.
Thanks a lot dude, I appreciate it. Really. I know people probably don't always appreciate when I laugh at their demise but I swear if they'd let me explain and not wanna call the cops and stuff they'd think it's funny too.
You see other brandys new mug?! Like so swag.
Yes indeed, 'tis the ultimate in swaginess! Other brandy says hi!
Hi Richard!
What's up, Dick!
Funny you ask.
Half phallic.
Today, I wanted to taste the lasagna cooking in the oven, and instead of doing with a spoon or a fork like a normal person, I used a butter knife that got through the lasagna. I decide then to lick the knife, and I just burnt my chest with the sauce, I was running around laughing, a minute ago for only frantically applying ice on the burn, now blistered.
That was so funny I had to plant both legs on either side of the treadmill just now to laugh out loud. I wonder what these people think when I do that? If I was them I'd laugh at me.
Mono-e-mono Mr Privat. Thank you.
Hello, opinion receivin, time restraint exceedin, media feed readin magnet! 😂 What a piece! I almost got lost along the way but so glad I held my parachute so I could glide and land safely. (Did this make sense?) 😄
Is that a giant microphone? Nice! Now you can air your grievances and I'll hear all the way here.
Lovely photos, as always.....and the sign says do not touch! smh
Happy weekend, D and A (not DanDays)! 😊
It only made perfect sense of that counts.
Have I told you how sweet you are lately? No, really, that's not a joke! Dammit! Could you tell I was serious? What about now?
One more time then and that's it! When I saw @kemmyb on my notifications I was like totally all like...
!TI-GIF
💖 Thank you.
Oi! 🙄 You messin' with me?
Such cute name, eh? No matter where you turn, you see it! 😂
Only if you want me to.
I'm SO not a fan of the latest Ecency update that takes away from cover images to insert the stupid rep score. I'm already not a fan of reputations, they're unnecessary and i wish they weren't there but to force feed me with it has me running my thumbs on Ecency discord and everywhere else like 'wa!! I don't like it!!'
Ps—you know that microphone's a bicycle rack, right? To lock up bicycles. 😉
Yep, I see that. Still it could double as a microphone. It will be very effective. I can hear you anywhere in the world. I mean, see the size! 😂
Happy Sunday!
I thought the bicycle thing was a cover up too. It's for long distance transmission.
Hey tell me what your Sunday looks like. Or show me. I know you hear me.
I edited this to add that long distance transmission piece is in music row. It's a section of downtown Nashville dedicated to all their country music icons so giant mic's like that normal.
Hahahah! (of course I can hear you. Loud and clear!) 🔊😂
I just replied some few minutes ago... Check it out 😉😉
@dandays you know what cracks me up - no not the obituary its the instructions on anything Chinese you buy. First you don't understand , you are confused then you know it all and laugh like you're gonna die.
You should watch this movie called Cool runnings. You can't stop laughing.
I've never tried it but I'm guessing I'd have a difficult time finding humor in Chinese. I've never learned how to read one thing in Chinese so I'd probably have to make shapes turn into raunchy images instead of language and that might be offensive.
Now then, it's Sunday, did I tell you I was born on a Sunday? True story. Off to the obituaries!
OOps sorry I din't make myself very clear there, I guess the Chinese part would be serious. Its the English translation that is usually hilarious. I wish I had something here to show. But as a policy we stopped buying anything Chinese since 2019.
Waiting for the Sunday story, you just told me that you were born on a Sunday!😆
That's funny. Translation, ah yes. What a difference one word can make.
I'm glad I've been reading this entertaining and fun article from you @dandays. :) Not only this, many of your humorous stories + writings make us "fall out of bed laughing" 🙂
Love it :) I hope you're having a great Sunday.
Dang you Trang. I've already called sweetheart, the sweetest, said you're too kind, what else do you want from me?! 😉
I sure do appreciate it, thank you more than THIS. There's enough people around who take everything seriously, I do sometimes, just not all the time like when I fall out of bed.
I'm so grateful for all the sweet names given by Dandays :)
My life has been much better as I don't take things seriously.
!ENGAGE 10
!WINE
!LUV
!PIZZA
!BEER
Cheers @eii. Thank you.
Congratulations, @eii You Successfully Shared 0.100 WINE With @dandays.
You Earned 0.100 WINE As Curation Reward.
You Utilized 1/2 Successful Calls.
Contact Us : WINE Token Discord Channel
WINE Current Market Price : 0.270
<><
@dandays, you've been given LUV from @eii.
Check the LUV in your H-E wallet. (1/10)
@dandays! I sent you a slice of $PIZZA on behalf of @eii.
Learn more about $PIZZA Token at hive.pizza (1/10)
I am only halfway done with my suicide note...
It started as a letter of resignation.
It was inspired by a recent friend (idol) I worship submitting his letter of resignation...
I am NOT a quitter, I just never really got started...
Please stop laughing at Me... I am not dead yet.
am I..?Are you trying to make me be creative?!
I've never done this before
Don't do this to me. Why are you making me do this?!
You already are...
CreativeI just threw that comment out there trying to be edgy and funny...
Now several hours later it just sounds creepy and dark...
Ever get that writers remorse..? Or I laughed at the obituary remorse.? Or oops I made fun of that retard Corky remorse..?
Nahhh... Me either. I still believe it is OK to joke and have fun...
SRC
Juss' sayin'... Can't make an omlette unless you break a few eggs. Can't be a loan shark unless you break a few legs...
Oh dude I toadlee (it's how you say 'totally' just before a new set of breaks in California) get writers remorse blank, too, but remorse regularly. I regularly wonder 'am I gonna regret this?'
Mic Drop...
Boom.!!
Or a Mick Foley drop... SRC
This post has been rated a 9.6766545. 2 thumbs, 2 fingers and one meerkat up
Sweet, I've never been rated in Satoshi's before. It's been so long since I felt this slutty.
Finding things funny wherever you look keeps everything real..
Hey what's up manorvillemike? Long time no see.
This is a test. That last one I did got me a couple ignores. This is how to find out if it's my jokes or cuz I think the Bible Belt's funny.
😉
You need to have 1000 ENGAGE, in order to use this service.
Congratulations @dandays! You have completed the following achievement on the Hive blockchain and have been rewarded with new badge(s) :
Your next target is to reach 81000 upvotes.
You can view your badges on your board and compare yourself to others in the Ranking
If you no longer want to receive notifications, reply to this comment with the word
STOPTo support your work, I also upvoted your post!
@dandays! This post has been manually curated by the $PIZZA Token team!
Learn more about $PIZZA Token at hive.pizza. Enjoy a slice of $PIZZA on us!
Cauliflower crust please!
🤣🤣 lol, I too laught at worse times possible ever (one of my uncle's funeral is an example...the more you hold back the worse it becomes 😁). I feel ya!
What's up dude? I see you still plugging away your chalk designs. Very nice. Glad you have enough time to stop by for a quick laugh.
Always a pleasure Peg.
Ouf, it took me a while to answer back, (one things leads to another) but yeah and thanks 😄. I also wanted to say that I was reading your last post with Pura as the "Star". You guys are good mates. In french we say : Bravo !!
(which I think is quite universal) 😜. Thanks for checking me out as well and until your next post!
Saved this one for last. You ever notice I respond backwards?
That sure was a lot of art. Ok, now backwards.
That's my idea of junk food, I feel all dirty when I get a frozen pizza, too, but they have fancy crust and say fancy things like organic. Pura just brought another one home tonight, spinach and shallot, Ah yeeah! I'll be having junk food again next week.
You got me all wrong. I would've helped you for sure, I just need to catch my breath first. Really, the only difference between me and the old couple is they probably didn't hurt their stomach laughing, everything else is the same.
Those are the only TV's I see, I hate those TV's. Every gym has them too and I swear I'm drawn to them. 👀 If those TV's weren't in there I wouldn't know anything they want me to know like some big sport thing going on right now where people from all over the world compete in various sporting events like ping pong and horse dancing.
That's a lot of art, wait! Eh, I recognize this. Ok, I know where I am now. Where I started.
Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed this one. And I don't mind which cheeks you laughed with.
💖
Here I am again, complimenting nineclaws engagement. I've only been awake an hour but this one was so cool I had to go back and read everything again beginning at the dang article!
Working the images into the content is fun, thanks for noticing. Photos first forms sentences though, not the other way around. I gotta alter what I'd like to say. I'm not making any sense.
Example: I considered closing this one out with yeah, I'm just about tied up when I'm asked to hurry up and picture these dope ass cornrows Pura had a long time ago ("tied up" / cornrows) I just couldn't make something about "I'm just about tied up" flow so I went with the blurry image and said "I got somewhere I'm supposed to be." That sentence took longer than you'd expect. Thank you for noticing. I've never had the opportunity to explain this until now. 💖
I try so hard. There's always one in every.single.gym too that has the traditional market alerts so stock prices are scrolling across the bottom of the screen. That One!
Top 5:
•Have a nice trip?
•Been walkin long?
•Nice shoes, why are you sitting?
•What's it like down there?
•Fall came early this year, Eh.
Hell yea I do. We don't consume many cheeses. Crust from scratch, sauce the same, all the good stuff.
In Central and South America, it's lawless, that extends to traffic. Pass on the right, pass on the left, signal lights are an idea not mandatory, stuff like that.
No vehicle accidents though. I never saw one.
I had to be alert all the time. Driving defensive like that and alert equals no wrecks I guess.
This is my winded way of saying I bet you're more diligent when running than walking.
I saw your other one but I'm saving it for last. You're such a good commenter.
Please Do Not Touch. You know who Tommy is right?
Don was so close though!
I'm gonna do your next comment proper. That one's gonna take a minute. See you there.
He's hung like a horse only more.
That third photo should look different now
A rare moment when an explanation didn't ruin the joke.
These devices have way too many emojis.
Where'd that come from?
I'm not sure
Neither are we