I had an unpleasant epiphany the other day. One of those moments of clarity where I wanted to sink down out of sight even though there was no one to be embarrassed in front of but me.
I recently acquired an admirer named Holly. We have little in common other than a love of hockey, but her two sequential "good morning" messages followed by asking me about my day and telling me about hers when those messages went unanswered suggested that her interest in me may be romantic, as did the big doe eyes she flashed me after the game when she wanted to give me her phone number. She is very available and has no shame in showing it. An admirable quality, really, even though I did turn her down.
Having someone express an interest in me makes me horribly uncomfortable.
Part of my discomfort stems from memories of getting pulled into relationships I didn't want to be in out of a sense of erroneous obligation to "give them a chance because this could be it, they could be the one." Another part of it comes from saying yes to things I would otherwise have said no to in order to get needs met because I didn't know how else to do it.
The other part, the one that disgusts me, is the memory of my obsessive behavior of the past towards those whom, at the time, I had considered to be purely romantic interests.
Once upon a time I imposed so much expectation on these individuals, these emotionally unavailable and only mildly interested dudes, to say and do the things I needed to become whole again. To make me feel safe. Things that I would later learn could only be done by myself and for myself.
Memories of this behavior feel like a storm. A dark, swirling current inside me. I don't like remembering how normal my crazy felt. Lost, sick. For so many years.
Walking the dogs through their neighborhoods as though drawn there by some magical loveforce, hoping for off-chance meetings that, fortunately, never happened.
Laying catatonic in bed for hours, daydreaming about a perfect future with someone I refused to believe when he said he didn't want that with me.
Checking likes and comments on social media, looking for signs online and in person, no matter how obscure, to confirm that my obsessions could be rationalized, that the feelings were mutual, that I wasn't just some crazywoman on the edge of becoming a stalker.
DAMMIT, THAT WOMAN WAS ME.
I am that woman that believed the next guy could save me, or if not him, surely the next, and the next, to the point where I completely obliterated my oldest and deepest desire to simply be alone, strong, and independent. To be safe, just being me.
Holly's unbridled interest triggered in me a memory of my own insanity, and my default reaction was to identify the root cause of my extreme discomfort as her, the other person. I created a threat out of someone benign, just as I had created saviors out of unavailable men.
I escaped a cult of my own making, and only now am I beginning to see the unpleasant and sometimes revolting lifestyle in which I participated.
But to truly learn from, grow from, and forgive myself for my past, I must be completely honest about what it is.
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That's all very good. But what I don't see well is that you torture yourself for something that already happened. You are no longer that girl from yesterday. By being so critical of ourselves we are in some way accepting those dark parts of our existence as still present. They are not there, they are simply not there anymore since you recognized them and decided to take care of yourself first. Do not live in the past.
Sorry for giving you my opinion without you asking me.
Suuuuuuuure you're sorry 😆
Thanks. 🖤 I don't really beat myself up over it, but the feelings around acknowledging how I once was can't be ignored. It's not so much living in the past as it is acknowledging what I still need to work on in the present. And a big part of that is facing the feelings around what I don't like remembering so I can work through them and let them go. Publishing them for others to read also takes away some of their power.
😁
Let's get out of this state of looking at the ceiling all freaked out and let's live life. Talk to people, have some human contact. As alt3r says, it will be what it will be, let it flow. Or so I understood.
I'm not freaked out!!!! Don't worry. And I do talk to lots of people and have tons of human contact. I'm in the women's hockey league. It's like a sea of friends.
I just don't have any desire for romance. All that energy is going into creativity and it makes me very happy.
That's very good 😉👏🏻. I support that 💯.
Self-forgiveness and independence, along with self-love are the first things to learn doing before getting and offering love to another person. I learned that the rough way too :)
🖤
At least we learned, though.
Absolutely :)
very wise decision, recovering and changing patterns is complicated, it takes time
It sure does. Thanks for stopping by!
Amazing photos. The mountains should be happy with such pictures ;)
I hope they are!!!
It could be new experience, whatever that is...
I know it sounds dull, but everything happens at it's time, usually when one gets into - doesn't give a damn anymore, I'll make myself happy, I did the best I could - state.
...and some extra tears.
Doesn't sound dull. So many people say they found love when they stopped looking. Personally I am so down right now to just be on my own for the rest of my life that I have to pretend that I am looking so love doesn't find me.
Hahah you can't pretend that!
I wasn't stop looking, just was more picky, dropped of society expectations, kind of I knew what I want - roughly or perhaps I knew more what I do not want never ever- going in circles, seeing same scenario. Elimination theory sometimes works better than we except.
Go with what you don't want to feel and adjust on new 'unknow comfy peaceful gestures', I do understand what mental abuse in relationship does to person mind, been there done that.
Great mindfuck.
(deeply inside I was convinced it will be tinder match, my mostly visited dating place as firstly I had to chat with...)
That way I can figure out will I go will I no, some encounters were just pleasant dinner buddies with whom I could exchange but not romantically.
(not saying you should go on Tinder, just mine piece of experience as I can read myself somewhere between your lines)
Oh, girrrrrrl, I have tindered and bumbled and plenty of fished and all that shit and it's so not for me. I really loathe dating.
It's totally true what you say about the mindfuck of toxic relationships. Really, though, I genuinely don't want to see date or fuck or relationship (read as a verb) anyone. For me, right now, being single is da shit.
I'm glad, though, that you found your dear darling. 💕 You two seem like a good fit, going by what I have gleaned from your posts...
I miss being single too, sometimes (when I'm pissed off)
Relationships areeeeeeeee daaaaaaaamn haaaaaard on daily base, there is always something to work on.
We are until we get in fight :D
The grass is always greener on the other side unless SOMEBODY forgot to water their side again after he promised to do it...
I laughed!
I love updated watering version!
😟
😄Are you sad that I am happy being single because you were hoping I might fly to Cuba for a date some time?? 😉
I mean, I could think of worse reasons to go to Cuba...
Whatttt??? 😂😅
No, I'm happily single too. 🤦🏻♀️
😂
Single rocks.
I mean... You're a great catch, but since I'm always rejected, I've decided to stay alone for life. 🤷🏻♀️