It was going to happen sooner or later
A month or so ago, I made a post about how my VA doctors are trying to kill me with all of the medication that they are giving me. I then made the decision to stop taking a lot of my mental health meds.
That decision was made because of blood work that consistently showed that my kidneys were beginning to fail over the years since I started taking all of the medication that they were prescribing me.
I was doing pretty good until I started weening off of my last mental health med. I was dealing with the withdrawal symptoms of the first few meds just fine. I was getting brain zaps and other weird feelings, but nothing that really affected my mental health.
The whole coronavirus thing was starting to take its toll on everyone at work. We were overworked, understaffed and stressed. I manage the receiving and stocking team for a large store and we were constantly getting two to three times the normal amount of freight and having to deal with it with less people.
I knew that I was not going to be able to ween off of my last mental health medication when I started to hate everything about my job and everyone at work, so I decided to take a week off while I started those meds up again and balance things out.
It didn't go as planned
When I started taking those meds again, my mental health was all over the place. Some days I wouldn't mind going in to work and then other days, things would happen at work and I would snap and want to just quit and walk out. More and more often I felt like just quitting and leaving the job.
Well, that day came on Monday. I had had enough and ended up clocking out, going up to one of my supervisors and handing over all my stuff and telling them I am done, then I just walked out.
Most of my issues had come from the time I spent in the military or as a law enforcement officer. I took the meds to help cope with the experiences that I had been through, and now without that coping mechanism, things began to spiral out of control and I was not able to wear the mask of normal face anymore.
Before I knew what I was doing, I was on my way to the emergency room and telling them I did not feel safe and that I may end up hurting myself or taking my life.
Off to the nut house
They ended up transporting me to the VA Hospital and admitting me to the psychiatric unit. When I got to the hospital, I did not know what to expect would happen, but ending up it the psychiatric unit was not what I had planned.
I had worked in the psychiatric until when I worked in the prison, so it was very different for me to be on the other end of things. At least I wasn't in prison though. But when I asked to leave the next day, they told me no and then it felt like I really was in a prison.
I spent my days eating shitty food, talking to nurses and doctors, and not really doing much else. I was in there with people that had been there for months, and that really messed with me because it made me unsure of when I was going to be free again. I started wondering about what I would do if I was out and things got bad again and not wanting to seek out help like this again because I didn't want to be locked up.
The first day was the hardest because I had no clue what was going on, I only had an hour or so of sleep and they put me in the wrong wing. I was in an area where people that had been sent instead of going to prison, so I was with violent people and drug addicts. I talked to the doctor and asked them why I was in this part of the hospital and she let me know that they made a mistake and were going to move me, so after they let us go outside for our 30 minutes of "recess" I was sent to a different wing.
It was a lot quieter there, and I started to settle in and try and make the best of this situation. I started to read and finished a book in less than 24 hours. The first night on the new side, I slept about 10 hours and woke up feeling pretty good. My doctors had changed a few of my meds around and had done some blood work as well because I let them know about my reasons for coming off of my meds in the first place.
My blood work came back and they let me know that my kidneys were normal now, so I can only assume that the reason that they were declining was the meds that I had stopped taking. The new meds seemed to be working better than the old stuff and they said that I would be able to leave Thursday if I was doing well on the meds.
So I just had a little bit left in there and I had an end goal in site. I participated in the group therapy sessions and really didn't do much in between. The coronavirus had caused sessions to be cut back a lot, so there was only like one session a day. The rest of my time was spent waiting for meals and the two snack times. The food was always cold and gross, so I felt that I didn't really eat much, but that is fine because I didn't do much other than sleep or sit on my bed reading.
The day came for me to leave and I still felt pretty good. I am hoping that these new meds will work out for me and not mess up my kidneys. I am taking a lot less pills each day than I was originally, so I think it should work out. As far as my job, I still have it and I am being moved to a different area when I get back. I am taking two weeks off work this time, instead of just one, while I adjust to these meds.
Looking back now, this whole experience was not too bad, because I was able to be in a place where I could be looked after and get things balanced with my meds. It was also nice to not have any outside stress other than just being able to focus on my healing. I am glad to be out though and be with my family again.
In the US, at least 22 Military Veterans kill themselves each day and I am glad that I reached out and didn't become one of the statistics. Thanks for taking the time to read my ramblings in this post. I hope that at least some of it made some sense.
So hard and sad to read something like this... Stay strong Wes. I wish you will be able to live a happy life without any meds. I have been always trying to avoid them (all sorts) and heal my troubles (both physical and mental) as naturally as possible. But obviously, I haven´t been through the same stuff like you... Stay strong man, stay strong.
Thanks Petr. I appreciate it.
Your ramblings really make sense and I was thinking to write a post today about my experience from the past with anxiety disorders and deapression but I really didn't feel like bringing back to life some of those memories and feelings, and when I saw your post I felt instantly that I should read it. Ever since I had those almost two years of poor mental health I find hard to read about such topics and to resist not imagining how it would feel if I were in that place. That probably has to do with a tiny anxiety disorder that still needs to be wiped out. Probably I will write thag post after all, probably not. What helped me and I can recommend, although it's clear that you are in a different position was eliminating everything that I didn't like doing, getting out as much as possible, having hobbies that would keep me focused, physical exercises make a huge difference, nofap(no porn no masturbation) and a book that I read a couple of times https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/22748254-remapping-your-mind
Hope you won't find my comment inappropriate, and if you do feel free to flag it, and hope you will recover fast. YOU CAN! Start with the book. You read one in 24 hours, what's another. It might help, really. Everything can be healed specially for young ones.
Take care!
Thanks. One thing I have found that helps over the years is to write. I hope that you can make the post and it helps you with what you are going through. I am following you now and will be looking forward to reading it.
I already wrote it, Gray Confessions , and I wouldn't, if wouldn't have read yours. Take care.
So glad you took the right action immediately when you felt the clock ticking inside you. Trust Faith is taking good care of you and she is doing well herself.
Thank you. Faith is an amazing woman and has been with me through a lot. She is always there for me.
That sucks having to deal with all of those and this coronavirus thing but hey, your kidneys are normal now and you're home. Glad you're better than before. :)
Ya, I feel good. It is good to know that my kidneys have gotten better. Now I am just focusing on things one day at a time.
Thanks for sharing your story. Facing your demons head on is something to be proud of.
Thanks Josh. It has been a long road so far. Just gonna keep doing my thing now and take it slow.
I have so much appreciation for you sharing your mental health journey. Definitely an emotional read for me.
I too am on the journey of finding the correct meds...
Take care of yourself friend.
Thank you. I hope that you are able to get the meds that you need to help you with what you are going through.
As a family member of a mental health patient, it is really important to take your medication without stopping. It was good that the doctors were able to change the medication that was not suitable for you so that it would not affect your health. Hope everything will become better especially with the support of your family.
Thanks
what ever i would write, it sounds cheese. Keep it up man. and take care.
Thanks man, I appreciate it.
Life is just so hard. Its really is. Just dont ever punk out. Let life consume you over you ever hurting yourself. Live like a beach bum. Its so hard to navigate through these hard times. It seems everyone is hurting in some way. Just know your not alone. So hang in there
Thank you. I am just taking it one day at a time and trying to live life to its fullest.
Its all we can do. Keep on, keeping on. 🤟
Damn dude, i just happy you are ok now, and i hope those meds will work. As i've said before i also used to have anxiety and panic attacks, that get more rare now. I've been offered meds early on, but i refused them, i guess my case was not that severe, since i knew if i start taking them there will be no way back.
I have found my way out... through manual labor. I started renovating an old house all by myself, even though i knew nothing about construction at all. Been working in front of computer for all of my life. It helped me a lot, while i keep my brain occupied with it there is no space for other thoughts. But you have to be busy.
More and more people that i know have anxiety and panic attacks, i do not know why, but that's a fact.
I hope it works out for you and meds will help without fucking you liver. I've also noticed that working out helps me a lot. Have you tried that?
Ya, I workout and it helps. I know what you mean about keeping busy to help keep your mind off things. That was the main reason why I went back to work, so that I don't have a lot of free time. I have been retired for a while now and once I finished school, I needed something to keep my mind busy. Photography has really helped me through the years and has given me an outlet. I need to get more serious about my photography again and have that fill up more of my time.
I guess we face similar challenges. But everything will be fine, just let's keep it busy :) And photography definitely helps, i though i would simply go to India and start shooting street photography on those hard times :) What's the worst thing that can happen and you might end up being world renown photographer for that.
I know where it's coming from, but hey, lets work out, and shoot some dope images, you have a great talent so hit that shutter button mate!
Your writing about your experience has also probably helped a great deal. When I worked as a lay Christian counselor at a homeless shelter in Tennessee, I often encouraged clients to journal.
Mental health has always been hard for us Vets to deal with. The perception by some of our fellow Vets would be that a person dealing with mental health issues was weak. It has for too long carried a stigma with it.
I personally have been to the nuthouse a number of times in my life. Actually I was born in a mental institution (my birth-mother suffered from schizophrenia). The first time I was sent away was at the age of 7 years old for perceived psychosis (that was back in the mid-60s and many mental health professionals at that time thought that mental illness ran in families. They figured out I was just a neglected, mixed-up kid). Luckily, there were foster parents that offered to care for me.
A few years ago I was admitted to a suicide ward in Pittsburgh for 2 months (psych ward). When I left they had me on Haldol and a few other meds. I have been prescribed so many meds by the VA over the past few years I can't keep count. Now I just use cannabis, but that is just me.
I am glad that you are well and all sorted out now. Hang in there, brother. I wish I could tell you, it will get better, but I honestly don't know. Everyone is different. It is my prayer that it will get better for you.
Long live Cannabis
No problem.That is what we do, that is how we roll.
It is perfect 💐
Thanks Dan. I am glad that you are able to keep your head up and work through things as well. Writing definitely does help with things. I appreciate your support.
It made sense and it was really touching , thank you for sharing .
Thanks for taking the time to read it.
I know this mind sound dumb. If you try exploring spiritual aspects of life, It might just be your salvation. Not just because your thoughts/mind is bothering you. But because people who go thru shit like you have gone thru have a certain amount of dissolution with social aspects of life. Now in a spiritual context that's fantastic !! It's like 50% of the work has already been done. Now the person is ready to take off.
In most cases the "normal" person spends most of his effort in spirituality trying to unlearn things. But people who have seen suffering in areas of life such as military, law enforcement and healthcare etc have largely unlearnt it by watching all the things that go on in the world. That's why social situations and relationships give them so much trouble because they cannot just accept things just as they are. They know it's all nonsense.
So in your suffering there might the seeds and potential for extremely rapid spiritual growth since a lot of the work is probably already done !! I would urge you to explore it. Here is a very old post my partner had once put out on yoga. You might find it interesting :) Yoga
Thanks. My wife and I have been doing a lot of inner type of spirituality stuff, like reflection and meditation. We aren't religious people in any way, nor do we have any desire to be, but meditation and nature is what has been helping us.
Uh oh. That sounds really serious... 😬
I hope you can overcome those problems.
In today's world many of us have similar feelings about our jobs. Some days the pressure is so much and companies are so unorganised that we almost crack and think about quitting.
Sometimes I think they do it on purpose just to test our mental health limits. 🤔
But then I see it for what it really is: utter incompetence from the top CEOs to the lower bosses. They all seem to be flying blind with no plan whatsoever. They just keep fixing problems as they come, without any scheduling. 😂
Anyway, all the best to you!
It sucks when you are in a position that doesnt allow you to make the changes needed to help things work smoothly and those above you dont want to listen just because they dont want to do anything different.
HUGS
@snook!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you
Hope your Ok mate. Its a tough balance.
Thanks man. I am doing a lot better now.
Too much medication can really mess you up... both body and mind. What a powerful story, my heart goes out to you. I'm glad you're feeling better and you still have your job.
Thanks Keith. I appreciate it.
have you tried micro dosing or any alternative medicines?
Ya, I have.
Dayum Bro!!!
Your stay was pretty short, right? I only notice a small lapse in your blog,
and I'm pretty sure most psych units don't allow internet access. That
means you were on the right track from the word go, cuz they don't
usually let folks out early just for the hell of it. 👍👍👍
Ya, I was only there for three days.
Hang in there, mate!
Thanks homie
Very glad you reached out and got the help you needed! And happy to hear you feel much better now. It may not mean much to you, but at least a warm virtual hug and all the best. Hopefully it will work a lot better with the new medicines and this will not work on your kidneys again. Take care!
Thank you
Hey Wes, I'm so sorry to hear that you went through all this, mental health meds really are worst to come off than recreational drugs. The withdrawals can be so full on. I am glad that you are in a better place now, thank you for sharing this with us all, I know there are a lot of folk who care about you on here, myself included. Be gentle with yourself xxxx
Thank you. I appreciate the support.
This must have been a pretty intense experience, judging from the calm and structured way you describe a frightening situation. Being sent to the psyche ward without being asked? Being told you couldn't leave? These things are enough to make you feel paranoid even if you're 100% okay. I'm so glad to hear you made it out well and are getting better.
Good to hear your VA hospital did you right and got you squared away Wes. I imagine that those three days may have just saved your life.
The main thing I've seen is so many people experience medication related problems because of multiple doctors treating one person for several conditions. Seldom do the doctors consult with each other and some don't even bother to look at what the other is prescribing. Makes for a disaster waiting to happen.
Best of luck,
Sult
Curated for #naturalmedicine (by @porters) - join our community here.
glad things worked out for you! I once was sent to a psychiatric ward when I told my mother (who was a nurse) that I was hallucinating. It didn't work out well with the psychiatrist but there was one physiologist that I could relate to and felt our meetings did some good. I had learned that what you focus on is what you give power to and if i didn't focus on what I thought was "evil" thought they soon dissipated. This was enough to clear things up for me so I could resume my life. Take care and glad you found the support you needed!
We encourage content about health & wellness - body, mind, soul and earth. We are an inclusive community with two basic rules: Proof of Heart (kindness prevails) & Proof of Brain (original content). Read more here.
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Good luck with the new meds!! And wish you all the best, most of all take care of yourself in all ways. In comments you mentioned writing and that sounds like a great idea, that's actually a highly recommended part of CBT.
Also you feeling bad about work isn't in any ways on you, sometimes jobs are shit and your body is demanding a change.
Best wishes!
Curated for #naturalmedicine (by @vincentnijman) - Wow! Thanks for sharing this with us. This is quite the story. My father has been in the nut-house / psychiatry ward for two weeks after open heart surgery and too much morphine and then mania leading to psychosis. I visited him there twice a day, back in 2009. Not sure if a decade and a half of depression and antidepressants also played a role in his case.
Nevertheless, having been on two sides of the psychiatric ward ( both as a patient and working there ), like you have, sounds pretty insane. You could write an interesting book on that, for sure.
Then again, what is insane and what is sane these days? Does anyone know? ;<)
I admire the fact that you tried to get off these meds yourself and thank you, once again, to put stories like these under our attention.
Take care!
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We encourage content about health & wellness - body, mind, soul and earth. We are an inclusive community with two basic rules: Proof of Heart (kindness prevails) & Proof of Brain (original content). Read more here.
Our website also rewards with its own Lotus token & we'd love you to join our community in Discord. Delegate to @naturalmedicine & be supported with upvotes, reblog, tips, writing inspiration challenges for a chance to win HIVE and more. Click here to join the #naturalmedicine curation trail!
That was a good reason to want to come off the meds, It was a hard road but you got different medication and you kidneys are okay now.
I’m glad you are feeling better now. Take care, be safe and healthy.
Shit man, just saw your post. It's tough to put your hand up and say I need help. I'm glad your story has a good out come, both physically and mentally. Your story serves two purposes in my mind; it's your catharsis but also tells others that it's OK to say, "I need help." - IT'S OK!
I'm glad as hell that you are not one of the statistics. That number is why we have to make sure that guys get that it's OK to reach out and say "I'm struggling."
Be well brother... keep writing and enjoy your family, always.