Your "hero" is my villain

in #life19 days ago


Because of this corona thing, the focus has been turned to the doctors and nurses - calling them heroes - being the frontliners of this battle. I do think they are and they are doing a hard job dealing with the pandemic.

But because of it, it made me think of my own personal experiences with them and how I think a doctor as well as some nurses in particular aren't my "heroes" but as my "villains".

Reason why I want to make works that revolve around patients

You see, it's not just because I want to represent being "injured" or it's just a metaphor, but it's literally what I've experienced and is the very reason why I can say "I'm breathing art" and "art makes me alive".

The wheelchair and the patient are representations of my own childhood trauma but I want the works to be "not as personal as possible". I'd still want to deal with the general experience that everyone can relate, but of course I have my own connection with them.

I don't want to be identified as someone with PTSD. I don't want to be all "victim huhuhu" all the time either, or just the girl who always talk about her trauma huhuhu give her sympathy. I don't want any of that. But I understand that it will always revolve around me and that I will always be reminded of it cos that's literally what the illness is all about lol.

The doctor and nurses failed me

Their malpractice is the very reason why I have PTSD and why it rekks my life now. The very persons who should be "saving my life" are the ones who took it from me. ( And yes yes I know I make mistakes as well and have clouded judgment sometimes and that I should not blame it on my PTSD cos I can be a shit human sometimes )

I could literally dig in their lives and probably rekk their lives too because of the malpractice, causing me psychological damage but I want none of that.

What I've just been thinking about though is that... I wonder how they are now. I wonder if they are hailed as heroes during this pandemic or if they rekt someone's life as well. Are they still alive? How many lives have they damaged just because they disregard a patient's psychological health. If they are still walking around not even conscious about the fault they did years ago.

I don't remember any of them. Not even their names. My brain has prevented me from remembering them. But I also wonder what if I meet one of them in the streets.. my conscious brain doesn't recognize them but my subconscious very well recognize them. What if I feel uneasy around a person without even knowing why, or worse, have a breakdown without knowing the reason.

Sacrifices are commendable, still

Even though I have my personal experiences and biases against some of them, I still commend their sacrifices especially now during this pandemic. They may or may not be conscious of the damages they have done before, but I still consider those doc and nurses in particular to be my villains.

They are doing their jobs and everybody makes mistakes after all. But they just fucked up during that time. XD

Just that... history can't be erased. And I hope they are doing well and not continuing to rekk someone else's lives.


Poor patient treatment? that stuff happens to both private and public hospitals. It's really worse in public hospitals in a third world country. If you think the service is bad already, wait till you hear about the internal politics and corruption that goes on often within the walls.

From experience, the usual people friendly staff are those fresh grads. The horrible ones are those that aged on the job. These types tend to pick on the new recruits and abuse their senior status. Imagine getting paid to be in uniform only to have most of your work delegated to interns that don't get paid and new staff members who have yet to grow a backbone against you. And these people still have the nerve to complain their salaries aren't enough.

Cases about Malpractice are difficult but not impossible to prove. The problem comes from finding an expert witness to testify against a colleague especially if they are from the same locality.

Your best bet to get good treatment is having a private physician as a family doctor. And get admitted to an institution that physician owns a large amount of shares. Usually works most of the time.

Not just poor, it was terrible. Don't want to be TMI but just some hints: operating room, awake, not enough anesthesia, pinned down by 6 or so nurses. Yeah I expect worse in public hospitals and surely didn't expect this to happen considering that was a private one.

It's bad that they see this mainly as their profession and not cos they have a passion to help people. Taking an oath just to corrupt the system.

Your tip makes sense and I haven't realized that til now. Of course they will do their best not to tarnish the reputation of something they have shares with. You're a genius adamada!

Waking up during surgery is a nightmare but it does happen for several reasons. If I could just base it on your recount, it's on the anesthesiologist's fault but don't quote me on that as I don't know the real circumstances how it happened from both sides. Public hospitals having rude staff is kind of the norm but this is slowly changing if the fresh grads stick around the country more. The aging staff are the ones that permeate the problem and I'm just saying this from personal experience.

Most of the reasons why choosing the career is for prestige and money. People that do carry out the sworn oath exist but these are the types that get their works overshadowed and abused by the system. It doesn't happen all the time but it happens often.

The tip was something I observed when I was training as an intern. The patients from a doctor with the most shares or has a lot of say on how the hospital runs gets well taken cared of. It's just subtle changes in employee attitude like being prompt in responding to calls, having transport ready, and schedules for surgery being made as convenient as possible. I was told to pay extra attention to some of these patients on our census.

Thanks for the tip! :D

It was their intention to not put me to sleep during the surgery cos general anesthesia will "mess" up my brain. But it did so regardless. 😂 I would say both of them were at fault. I literally begged them to just stop the operation cos it feels like I didn't have anesthesia at all but instead the surgeon ordered the nurses to pin me down. They should have killed me instead lol.

To make it worse, none of them mentioned anything. I mean, of course they know they did something wrong. Nobody would like to admit it but maybe at least just for my sake (I was 9) they could have recommended me for a debriefing since I was a child and was awake during the whole procedure. Cos after I woke up, I literally didn't remember anything from the event. So I didn't utter a single word, that led to the development of the illness.

Now all I want is to be a well-known artist and hopefully they will remember me and probably see themselves in my future paintings about the incident. Make them realize they can fuck someone's life forever if they are not careful enough.

Oh yeah, that too makes sense. I was thinking of the other thing lol but yeah definitely.

Hey Hidden. Thanks for sharing a bit about your past and your personal pain. I have a lot to say about what you wrote.

Regarding the doctors. I used to be for a short while ( quit as the cases i delt with were heartbreaking) a paralegal for a medical malpractice law firm on the plaintiff side. Meaning we represented the victims. People would be shocked how often reputable doctors accidentally kill or severely harm their patients through negligence. It always gets swept under the rug in arbitration so the public never finds out about it and their malpractice insurance covers the fines or damages awarded so it rarely directly effects them. Often they dont look back at all on their fuck ups and continue on with a cavalier attitude. I also have a problem with the for profit medical industry as it is here in the States. I dont look at doctors who prescribe treatments they make a kickback on, or that dont actually heal you so that you become a patient and a cash stream for their business, as real doctors. They're just well disguised villains too.

I also hold solidarity for you regarding PTSD. I never realized i had it myself until a friend of mine who has it from his time as a marine in fallujah told me he recognized it in me.

Looking back on my life its been a wreckage of horrors, trauma and poor decisions made by a young man without the emotional faculties to effectively deal with or address them. My biological father was extremely abusive. Emotionally, physically and sexually. By the time i was 10 i was a broken human being who stumbled through life the only way a broken soul could. And the results were disastrous.

My entire life up until a few years ago was spent in Los Angeles. I write about my crazy times there here on Hive but the reality is behind those crazy times was even deep pain, terror, depression and humiliation. I've been homeless living in cars. Had guns stuck to the side of my head for sleeping in the wrong spot. I've dumpster dived to survive. And a whole lot of other things I'd rather not remember.

I developed ptsd through all this trauma and feelings of hopelessness. I had to remove myself entirely from los angeles and my life there to begin the healing process.

To this day when i think of my life in Los angeles, if i see photos of los angeles, if i see movies filmed in los angeles i get immediately feelings of depression and panic. Ice begins to run down my veins and my stomach hurts. Im instantly brought back into that world of pain and depression. People idolize that culture and town. Its their hero. To me they are villains. And much like you i know they cant all be bad there are good things about the city, people and culture there. But still the association is forever branded in my brain.

I think the healing process for conditions like ptsd are a case of two steps forward one step back. They're not linear. There will be triggers that draw you back to the pain you felt then and are struggling with now. Seeing doctors being idolized during coronavirus i feel is probably a trigger for you. I'd stay away from the news to minimize that from happening. Focus on hobbies and things that heal you.

Anyways, those are my thoughts on this.

I'm always around if you want to chat. You know where to find me on discord.

Wow, I didn't know a law firm exists specifically for medical malpractice. Yeah, I actually think there's only a few malpractice happens. I mean I know there are some mistakes here and there but I've never thought there's a lot that actually severely harms patients. And they have insurance specifically for malpractice? I don't get why such exists. Those doctors who don't want to treat you right away are pretty common, sadly. :/

I understand you. I have been undiagnosed for 10 years and it was hard enough for me already.. but damn yours was so hard. Sorry to hear you had a terrible childhood and your life in LA. :( I could not imagine going through that myself.

I think the healing process for conditions like ptsd are a case of two steps forward one step back.

100% on point! We can't get rid of it but can only manage it. Well, hearing those make me remember about it but not to the point that it affects me that much. I'm lucky I have a safe shelter, family that supports me, and a good environment around so I can cope better.

Thanks so much for sharing as well. It's amazing to see you go past it and overcome it. Healing is hard and I hope you are feeling better than before. You as well, you can talk to me about it whenever you feel the need to. :)

I get you girl. I have high regard to doctors and nurses, but I had my fair share of trauma with them.

When I was admitted due to dengue back in second year college, the nurses who looked like interns could not mount the needle of the dextrose well on the veins of my arms. They kept injecting everything that my mother got angry as she saw that I was in agony because of the repetitive injection. They just couldn't get it right. When the head doctor saw the situation, she took over and with just one injection, she got it. I didn't really mind it at that time because I was really sick.

When I was having a medical check-up for my employment, we happened to talk about the experience with doctors and nurses and injections and stuff. I shared the experience and said that I really felt like they were practicing on how to properly mount the dextrose. A nurse at the back heard it and interrupted. Maybe because he was offended by my remarks.

I couldn't blame him because it was his profession, but I can't just invalidate my remarks either because I experienced it firsthand. To agree with him means I was okay with what happened to me.

Which brings to your point. It really depends on the personal experience that we have certain biases. They're still commendable especially during this time, but there are experiences that made us feel uncomfortable around them.

A basic task they need to do but unfortunately is a common problem. I can relate :/
That's actually really painful and could also lead to patients developing phobia with it. Well, it is true and the nurse shouldn't try to invalidate you. I can understand that these interns still needed to practice but they need to know what they are doing first before getting to do that task.

I've had the same experience; my mother suffered stroke in 2014 and I had to stay in hospital with her for 3 weeks and well more and honestly the nurses and doctors I encountered are the main reason why I hate hospitals. That were largely uncaring and some of the negative things they said about my mother's health made me create a psychological hell in my mind.
Yeah we see them as heroes but sometimes some people don't, I don't too. The four wall of a hospital to me is a trauma itself and I was always sick during my young years
I believe you're right to share these sentiments believe me you are.

That was terrible! I've never experienced an uncaring "nurse" and I'm sorry to hear that from you.

People are imperfect creatures. And some are evil ones too. When working to save lives, we like to think that la creme de la creme works in hospitals. It is only an ideal. I have heard personal stories about humiliation, trauma, malpraxis in hospitals. Are all of those guilty being punished? No. Do they feel remorse? Some do not. But there is karma. And what goes around comes around.

These types of experiences are more common than we imagine, especially since people like doctors and nurses have some power over patients.

In my country, obstetric abuse is one of the most common, which led us to legislate on it. And even though there is in theory a law that protects us from this type of abuse, in practice it is simply something that does not exist: Doctors who let patients die who have performed a home abortion (abortion is illegal in my country), nurses who mistreat their patients in labor, even doctors who tell you that while you had sex you didn't complain but when you go to give birth you scream.

I understand your stance of refusing to be a victim, and I applaud it. Doctors position, attitude, power conception is wrong, that at some point it has to change.