Page Boy

in #life6 months ago

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Follow the one-way arrows!

A voice bellowed out from a plastic visored security guard as I entered the office reception.

I glared at him. His visor made him look like he should be sitting at the controls of a cut-price Death-Star made out of plastic straws and paper.

Aye, alright man, calm down.

I followed the bright yellow direction stickers on the floor as if I were an older and more handsome Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz.

After manoeuvring past a couple of barriers I got to the reception desk. A masked girl behind a newly installed perspex screen fluttered her eyelashes at me.

I hoped she wasn't flirting. It was so hard to tell with masks. Best play it safe and act as if she were.

Sup, honky.

I said tipping my head back casually as if I had been punched in my good kidney.

Name and Department?

Mumbled Masky-Pasky through a black lycra mask that looked as if it had been made from a pair of control briefs.

Don't google control briefs. You will realise that for a long long time, we men have been duped by false curves and even falser flat tummies.

BoomDawg, Tech Board.

I said, nonchalantly using the supplied hand gel dispenser and rubbing it over my hands as if I were rolling a fat doobie at a frat party.

Masky-Pasky scanned down a list on her screen then nodded maskily with her mask.

Right, got you. Two hours you have. Here is your pager.

She slid something through a gap in the perspex window at me.

I looked down and made a small squee'ing noise at the thing which she had slid out through her perspex vagina.

A pager??

Not an old school, look at me, I am the fucking Wolf of Wall Street type pager. Nor a sexy international cocaine smuggler pager.

No, it was one of those hexagonal fucking doodahs they give you in shitty cafes to let you know when your food is ready.

You know, the ones with red LEDs that vibrate like a fat man's chins when he is taming the Kraken.

I picked it up and turned it over a few times.

What the fuck is this?

I asked diplomatically as if she were passing me an intrauterine device and suggesting that maybe I should give it a whizz for a change.

It's a pager.

Replied Masky-Pasky crisply through her linen swaddled mouth.

There was a decidedly frosty tone in her voice now. I began to suspect that the flirting had come to an end and in that case so had my chances of slapping her ham bongo.

Yes, you said. You mean like, one of those ones that lights up and vibrates like a mad thing when your time is up?

To see if I was being Punk'd, I looked over at Visor-Man who steadfastly refused to meet my gaze as if he had found out we had once peed in the same tea cup.

It's the rules. We have to ensure that our maximum occupancy of the floor you are visiting is not breached.

Masky-Pasky glowered at me.

Hmmph. What do I do then, do I wear it?

I said with a cocky smile that may have been lost under my own COVID mask.

You can stick it up your arse for all I care.

Masky-Pasky stated flatly.

Maybe I will. Give it a sniff when I hand it back.

I grinned and turned away with a spring in my step.

Better fire up the burner phone. Looks like the flirting was back on!

Sort:  

That flirt radar... Dunno if it's pheromone based, amorous intuition or the next level of evolution for blokefolk but it is uncanny!

If I were you I should get all that info down in to an e-book, it has the very real potential to be the most downloaded resource since that whole embarrassing Paris Hilton kerfuffle that was always the top item no matter what you ever typed in to a download site way back when.

Welcome to the new ab normal Boomy!

I suspect now that Boris is throwing about nonsensical decrees like a tourette ridden nihilist again things will descend much, much further and one day soon you may view this encounter as one of the more normal towards the culmination of the palindromic piss take that was 2020!

Boris Trump vs Nicola Wallace coming to a socially distanced outdoor cinema near you Summer 2021 starring in 'Evolution of devolution'

Fab assessment of current times my friend, I almost used the word parody, but who am I F'ing kidding???

Hope the weekend treats you kindly Sir :D

Hehe, cheers mate!

It is becoming quite farcical. They let us take our masks off when we were sitting down. I felt that was awfully kind and not damaging my civil liberties too much. I was torn as to whether to remove it when I went to the toilet and sat on the pan though. Tough choices!

I could do with a weekend about now! :OD

!ENGAGE 30

Civil liberties, now there's a delightfully 'retro' concept.

Wearing masks whilst using the provided convenience could be incredibly damaging to the air freshener industry... We really don't need one more casualty laid at the door of this Kafkaesque fantasy reenactment society production!

Although when everyone has their homes repossessed due to the oncoming financial fallout I hear Boris has a 'sleep-out to help-out' initiative planned, whereby civil servants will come by once a day and drop a pound coin in the used coke cup that we use to capitalise on the kindness of wealthy strangers passing our doorway outside of poundland.

As my old Grannie used to say.

"We're all fucked, pass me the sherry!!!" "It'll all work out in the end."

Weekend's coming mate, just a touch longer... :D

My granny used to say something very similar, only it was vodka.

As long as we get to keep our houses, I will be happy!

Relatively... :0D

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The weekend is on the way bro...Hang in there.

Last day, then freedom! You will be done by now ya lucky fucka!

All done Boomdawgy...All done. Just about to head out to grab some fish and chips. Fish and chip Friday y'all!

HI FIVE!

Enjoy your weekend man, min eis primed to start in 7 hours, gah.

I do like a chippy!

7 hours isn't too long...Write a post, have some lunch, have afternoon coffee and bickies...Take a quick walk to loosen the old bones...Day done.

Hehe, heading into a two hour workshop. Who knows, maybe I will have time to write a post ;O)

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Give it a sniff when I hand it back.

Haha.., are they forcing you into the office? Two hours and then what?.. waste some fuel getting back, as well as getting there? Hasn't the 'red-haired one' made you stay in north of the border?

We are allowed out to work but not to visit family and shit. Lol.

This was a voluntary drop in to discuss doom scenarios. It was actually alright getting out of the house and into town although very very strange as it was so quiet!

The company I am gigging at is based in Edinburgh, not far from you. There was talks of going in the office, but not one person volunteered. Strange eh?.. even the boss was not interested.

Edinburgh! Imagine if it wasn't Covid times, could have met for lunch one of these days, hehe.

Yeah, they suggested maybe going back one day a week but they have gotten rid of one of our offices and there is nowhere for everyone to go. Result, says I! More home working!

So...You can go in, covid safely of course to devise strategies in which you ultimately lose your job to make the company more profitable. Management have their shit wired tight it seems! Lol.

Aye, it's like they think what is the worst we can do for the company. YEAH!

Maddies

Well, I saw the outcome on discord...Not a bad result from the meeting I guess.

It could be a ruse, they could be luring me out into the open then BAM! It's all over :OD

Yeah, I get it...Same for me I suppose. I think things will get bad next year.

We can only hope crypto goes bonkers and we have some kind of cushion!

As I read in your post, you had not encountered all the rules and regulations that exist now , teleworking had absorbed you, but we must get used to it, they are still more, if you do not have proof of covid 19 you cannot board a plane, etc. but you got around the situation well, with your original touch in everything.
Regards

You think you know something and then they pull the rug out from under your feet! Madness! :O)

Fucking rug munchers...I mean pullers.

Rug munchers! HAhahhaha, that takes me back. I loved saying that when I was younger!

Us old dawgs gotta roll out the old gold sometimes right?

Old gold is the best gold!

This is a quote for the ages. 😉

Why aye man!!

Maybe it’s a pager/tracking device so she can find you later for a go on the ham bongo?

Oh aye, she was dying for some ham bongo bangin!

HAha! Or to kill me, not sure which... :OD

Let's call it a mutual feeling :)

Was laughing throughout this one, top donk!

Top donk!! Hahahah, cheers man!

how are you dear friend @meesterboom good night
I love how you take things that happen to us in a fun way, we should all learn from you.
the ridiculous measures that are taken are incredible.

No woman can resist the gentleman-sized presence, they always have to flirt with him.

have a wonderful night dear friend, happy rest

It's my favourite way to look at the world @jlufer, with a bit of humour.

She was putty in my hands. Well, apart from the big perspex screen between us, lol!

Hahahahahahah I laughed so hard at this, loved the illustration too. Now with mask only policy it is indeed hard to see if eyelash movement can be interpreted as flirting. Especially with false eyelashes, they itch and an itchy blinking eye can be mistaken for something else for sure. Ah I already visualise the scene in my mind😂 Great writing

Hehe, it does make it really hard to know what is going on with people. My friend looks like a psychotic killer when he is wearing his. Yet, when you see his lower half of face he looks quite friendly. Bizarre!

Hahahahah yeah. The mask really takes from the one's personality a lot. But for those who have a desire to hide, this is the perfect excuse. Most people look alright with half face covered. For some it is an advantage, for some it's not. I wish we would live those times when this cloth wasn't normal. It is rather odd to look at half covered faces lol

I think I might look better with the top half of my face covered, like Batman and shit! Yeah, that's how I want to do it!

Hmmm Batman... Yeah, totally, you would look so cool! I am sure they make now all sorts of masks, Batman included

They do indeed! I have quite a jazzy one, looks a bit like a painters apron!

Really? I try to imagine you now🤔😂

Best not. Heh heh..

P. S. That line.... Give it a sniff. Oh my laughed even more. You're so funny

Lol, cheers lass. I try my best :OD

Your sense of humor is spot on!

I'm having a hard time with the flirt meter and the 'shove it up your ass for all I care' comment. Though she does sound like my sort of girl. Perky, I think I'd say.

Maybe you English types have smaller restaurant pagers, but everyone I've seen around here is not even close to the shove it up my ass dimensions. I'm a pitcher not a catcher and just the thought of anything going in causes visible shudders in me.

I took the liberty of translating your colloquialism into real 'murican english that anyone can understand.

Lol. Maybe the shove it up your ass comment makes more sense in the context of the flirting all being in my head. I think she was decidedly annoyed at me for being a moron. 😀

You should have seen the size of the thing, it was like a giant hexagonal ashtray!!

Yes, but a moron with a pager the size of a discus up your grunter and a perfectly legit topic for your next video post.

The topics for these video posts are piling up!!! :OD

Well, stop slacking and start videoing.

I need to get one of them steady gimbal things you have!

Oh yeah, that things works a treat. Not too expensive either.

I totally meant to get one then like a goldfish it went straight out of mind

...nodded maskily with her mask.

Such a poetic description!

Yes, I was stuck by the gods of prose!!! ;0)

And you would probably be struck on the head by some stuffy English teacher with no soul were you to use it in a school essay!

I would be run out of class for that one!!!

So sick of these silly rules and masks - then you sit in a restaurant and take off your mask or visit a bar or party with 50 others.. as though the germs waits outside the door.

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It's like they think that the virus can only hover about at head height, lol. I am getting right tired of it all

Oh she want the Boom alright. The fussing is just something they feel they have to do. Helps with guilt and whatnot.

That guilt has a lot to answer for!! ;0)

I want to say you and I have very different ideas of flirting, but I think I'll just go with whatever you reckon seeing as I'm too dumb to recognise flirting XD

I have missed some cracking flirting in my time. It's like a special blindness. That's why I have changed my default to aiming everything is flirting!!!

Between

... Stick it up your ...

And

... Give it a sniff ...

Definitely a flirt, if there ever was one.

These days, the only thing to keep us sane is things like flirting.

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Oh aye, it had to be flirting. The alternative world be too horrific to contemplate.. :0D

It does make a day nicer when there is some flirting though eh!

Wonderfully written.... masterpiece

I couldn't agree more! ;O)