The sun shone. The birds whistled in the trees, no doubt imagining me fertilising all their eggs.
I quickly hoiked my saw back and forth over a piece of wood and marvelled at the smooth cut as the sawn end fell away to the ground.
Who needs power tools!
My voice rang out in the warm sunny air over my almost complete deck.
The sun blazed hotly down and I pulled off my top as is customary in Scotland if the temperature gets over 14 degrees. The pink tip of one nipple twitched curiously like a mouse's nose in a biscuit tin.
I snorted and made an AWOOOOO noise. This was how men of old built things, by hand. with a bit of good honest elbow grease.
I straightened up for a moment and surveyed the deck of the Good Ship Boom. All was going well, in fact, I reckoned there were only a few more hours to go and I would have finished this godawful bastard of a job that I had so foolishly promised to do when I was drunk one Saturday night.
I wondered if I should get my keks off and roll about on the deck in some kind of Pagan way. An offering perhaps to the Gods of Decking?
It had been over a week since my neighbour's son had cut the top of his thumb off on my deck. My deck, much like my penis obviously hungered for flesh.
I knelt down and patted the big wooden fucking thing.
There there girl. You got what you wanted now its time to finish this.
I looked about for my deck screws. Big long brassy coloured things they were. The box was empty. No matter, I had another box in the garage. I trotted off and returned in moments with another box.
Not for the first time I marvelled at the insane packaging on these things. They were in a ridiculously open-proof cardboard box in which the only way to get in seemed to be hacking at with a Stanley knife.
But as every man knows, if you don't have a Stanley knife then you hardly qualify as a man.
Dont worry if you don't know what a Stanley Knife is, in some odd places they call them box cutters. I mean you have a box cutter, right?
Ninja-like, I whipped my blade out and pushed the button hard, exposing a solid inch of razor-sharp fury.
I raised my hand high, letting the sun spark from the tip of the blade in a blaze of molten gold before slicing down in a vicious arc of screw-box opening glory.
AAAAARGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
A scream echoed over the wooden expanse of decking.
My scream.
What in the name of fuck? Somehow, despite my years of bladesmanship I appeared to have hacked the blade right into my thumb.
What's up? Oh my God?!?
The Good Lady bounded onto the deck, no doubt drawn by the scent of blood.
Cut myself.
I manfully replied, holding my hand and trying not to weep at the ugly gash marring what had once been an exceptionally handsome hand.
Are you ok?! What were you doing?
The Good Lady navigated over numerous holes and gaps in the decking to get to me.
Box cutting.
I hissed between gritted teeth.
Oh my god, what with?!
She yelped as she saw the yawning red mouth-like chasm of the cut at my thumb.
Box Cutter.
I hissed again taking my hand off the would for a second to see if the blood had stopped, it hadn't. Instead, it rhythmically pulsed out like sperm from a Martian.
Stay there. I will get a towel.
The Good Lady sped off.
I sat back and hoped that it wouldn't be a sanitary towel.
Fucking decking!
I kicked the wooden boards beneath me with my heel and sneaked another glance at the cut. It was right across my thumb. In fact, it was lined up so that if it were deep enough my thumb would have been cut clean off...
Hang on... I noticed the bird song had stopped.
In fact, it was eerily quiet.
I looked at the bit where the blood had fallen to the deck but it was gone. There was no sign of any blood whatsoever.
Carefully, I stood up and staggered toward the back door of my house, breaking into a half run to get off the satanic wood beneath me that so blatantly thirsted for blood.
Oi! I thought I told you to stay put!
The Good Lady stood in the doorway blocking my escape from the decking.
I need to get off the deck. It's after my blood!?
I yelped.
After your blood?? Don't be a dick. Come on, let's get that cleaned.
She pulled me inside.
I cast a look back as the door closed.
I'm not a dick... It's a dick.
I'm still trying to figure out that picture..., after ten 10 pints it could almost be mistaken for a wonky vagina.
Every guy's dream to have a vagina (however wonky) in his hand. Some nerd (related to meesterboom) is working in a dark basement on this.
I do hope so..., I know there will be a large back-order list when they are ready. A little like buying a Tesla.
I saw a tesla yesterday!! I didn't know they existed in Scotland. To be honest it looked a little plain. I think I would much rather have a vagina hand
I know someone who has one, but have not been offered a spin yet. They look great inside but from the back look like a Ford Mondeo hehe...
Yeah, a Mondeo was what sprung to mind! It would be cool to drive am electric I think. I see more and more of them about and feel deeply envious at how quiet they are compared to my old banger
I thought it was an ass crack that didn't go all the way through 😆
I can see what you see.... now.
I have been exposed!! I had a wonky vagina transplant!!! Its on my hand and everyday I touch my face with it. The shame!!! :OD
Wonkyness, that's what you get for backstreet jobs. Poundland Surgeries Inc. are a step-up know you!
In future i will pay top dollar for my nefarious plastic surgeries ;0)
At the end of this exchange, my wife would have informed me that I was obviously fine and she would have turned around and went back in the house. (She correlates sarcasm with healthiness)
In one of my Stanley knives, I have a special blade which is perfect for removing tamper-proof packaging, banding, drywall backing and box cutting.
I'm not saying that you won't cut yourself with this type of blade ... but it is hopefully less likely.
Now get yourself some liquid bandage (that stuff burns like crazy) and get back out there and finish that deck. It'll be beer o'clock shortly!!!
Hey, that blade looks amazing and it's exactly something that I need. I will have to investigate!!
Her compassion noticeable waned with the bleeding as it stopped. Heartless she is, heartless!!!
At some point ... this will be what you are looking for. (Currently showing as out of stock in the UK.
It's showing as in stock for me!!! Ordered!!
You cut towards yourself didn’t you 😝
We have a box cutter now after many moons of just using open scissors or kitchen knives 😵 and recently had an entertaining incident where youngest after many, many times of being told not to cut towards himself and why, cut towards himself because it was easier and accidentally slit his wrist.
Fortunately it was a much smaller gash than that (given that it was exactly in the right…or wrong depending on how you look at it…area) which pulsed rather than gushed so we only needed to run up to the medical centre to get it cleaned up and glued.
I’d be somewhat concerned about how much pressure you were putting on that box cutter to be able to cut off your thumb though 😅 how is the borderline mortal injury now?
It is healing well, I have been splabbering on witchhazel once it had scabbed enough and it looks like quite a dainty jaggy line.
They are devilish things them bo cutters. So lucky he had a pulse and not a gusher!!
And yes, it was towards me. even though I am constantly telling people off for how to use things! :OD
Splabbering is a great one, I'm going to have to remember that one XD
Now you have a "cool" scar to show off for your macho manly deck building efforts XP
after you get the deck exorcised maybe
Jeez boomy XD
Splabbering is a fine word! I use it all the time.
It is quite a ragged thing, it will make a fine scar if it ends up being one of those fadey white lines. I can pretend to folk in the future that my thumb was hanging off by a thread , hehe!
Of course you will XD
At least you didn't cut your deck off.
I am quite relieved that I didn't do that again. It takes the blighters so long to grow back
Tell me about it...
The whole story, well it all started... Wait a minute, you are pulling my freshly grown new leg aren't you?
Yeah I just wanted to see what you'd say. I was luring you into a trap. Kinda pissed it didn't work. Because I had plans of being a deck.
Ultimately I think all will end in decking. We can't fight it
I always deck around anyway.
I got a much more minor cut right on my central salutin' finger when I got momentarily distracted while sharpening my excessively large knife. I guess it's good enough to gut my little sister's new boyfriend if he fucks up. Shooting is too quick for people who need to be made into examples...
Gut him like a fish. That what I say. I don't have a big knife but I have many a smaller one. They are a thing for me actually. You are right, shooting is far too quick for example making!
But using a box cutter would be even MORE effective, right?
ITs a slicer for sure!
Well, it is a manly gash alright. Damn well hope your tetanus jab is up to date. That lockjaw is a bitch I hear.
Glad it wasnt one of these...
I am kinda glad it wasnt one of those either!
Never thought of Tetanus! I think I had one in the last few years. I hope I had!
Maybe it's time to manfully hire some professional deck builders?
Only place I've ever heard it called a box cutter was on a plane recently when the guy next to me started screaming like I was some kind of terrorist when all I was doing was cutting the end off my traditional in-flight cigar. Weirdo.
I had never heard the term box cutter either until I was boarding a plane and they started going apeshit when they found a box cutter next to my Glock
Lol. People go nuts for the craziest reasons don't they? I was once detained by angry TSA agents for attempting to board with a box full of black widow spiders. They forced me to produce paperwork for each individual spider proving that they were all registered as service animals before finally allowing me to proceed. I nearly missed my flight.
It's so ridiculously jobsworthy of them. I had a similar experience when I took my llama with me on a flight and they were quite insistent that it couldn't possible be my wife and would have to be stowed in the hold!!
Bah! Plebian fools! Reminds me of a story my buddy told me the other day, where he was attempting to check a bag of explosives, clearly labeled as such, and they refused to let him do so until he signed a legally binding agreement stating that none of the explosives were timed to go off until after the flight landed and disembarked! Can you imagine?
What the hell!? This must be that woke nonsense I hear so much about these days. I got pulled over the other day and the police badge me justify all the straps, cable ties, his and gags in the back of my van. Despite their being a young lady firmly secured in some already. Had to show my license and everything
It is really getting out of hand! Next thing you know they'll be demanding I pay an annual fee for the Predator drone I use to remotely monitor my off-grid bitcoin mining mansion and private militia training compound! What is the world coming to!
Arrr, taps aff! Not thumbs though...
Them Stanley knives are bleedin sharp. Good healing to you!
Handyman stuff, it's all aboot Caulks and Decks.
Sounds fun when spoken in a New Sealand accent. 😄
Stay away from the deck mate, it is blood thirsty. Maybe it is doooooomed!
I think it is positively demonic. It thirsts!!!!
Taps aff weather indeed, I presume you are getting some of the same?
I feel incredibly lucky that somehow I don't need stitches!! They are devil sharp! Maybe the deck was just softening me up!
Yes, here the weather is good too, not a bad summer so far!☀️😎👍
For me it's merely shoes n socks aff. Do not want to disturb people looking at my almost cup A man boobs. Accidents might happen. Naked feet seem to be less of an issue.
Maybe it was not the deck, maybe there was a dark spirit flooting about. Once there might have been a house there with a Catweazle like figure who collected thumbs! And to this day this evil one is still floating around like a turd in a lake, trying to collect new ones...
Then the deck is not the issue, it let you saw the planks. You might need to call upon an exorcist though.
Stitches would have been very painfull. Maybe the deck actually saved you from that. Then blessed be the deck, may it be finished and enjoyed soon!
The deck is now my guardian angel!!
I just need to finish the fucker. I am getting bored of screwing and that's something I never thought I would say!!
Glad at least the feet are getting an airing. Over here moons scare no one. That's what I keep telling myself anyway ;0)
Yes, she is protecting you! The deck will cast the ghoul away, once she is finished.
Guess you'll have to do some more firm screwing to finish the job. 😁
Maybe I'll let my moobs get some sunlight too. They aint half bad, I've seen worse. 😅
I am quite sure there will be far worse out there. In Scotland there are a lot of gigantic beer bellies which make the moobs pale into insignificance!!
Burning question
How do you fertilize birds eggs?
So, Jim wouldn't finish the deck?
He wouldn't. Perhaps he saw me helping the birds with the fertilization duties and decided he was out! :0D
You have a lovely momento of your deck building days. Try to keep the blood offerings to a minimum though...on second thought it would make a great new series.
Damn that would have been a great title for the tale. The blood offering!!! It better not scar or I will be knocking on the devil's door!!
My wife reminded me of an appointment this afternoon at the exact same time I read the nosy mouse. I laughed out loud. She didn't appreciate it.
Lol. I can imagine!!
Them pesky curious mouse's!! ;0D
You killed me at the first paragraph
😂
The deck will kill me after the last!! :0)
Geez! You are still on that deck! 😂
Like we say around here, you are really hitting the deck :) :)
One day I will finish it out it will finish me.
Next time someone is getting paid to do this nonsense!
If box cutters are the measuring stick then I am the manliest of men with my collection. Available in left or right handed. Assorted colors. #grownassman
Hot damn, you win!! Who could have known that people would more than one!!
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