I had been invited to the circus by a lady I had taken an interest in lately. My prior relations with Lady Fotheringham had taken a bit of a dive after one evening I had told her that I would much prefer it if she could wear gloves to cover her rather frightening man-hands.
As of which, the ensuing lonely nights had caused me to cast an eye out for a lady companion I could bang with my coconut spoon of an evening.
I had heard that Lord Barrington's daughter, Winnifred, was currently unattached and I had enquired after her health to her father. A fine fellow despite having a chin like a scrotal wart. He had passed on my regards and as a result, she had sent me an invite to a circus which had come to town.
It proclaimed itself the greatest show on earth offering Fun, Energy and Sensuality on the enclosed flyer that she had sent me. Sensuality?! It had better not be a collection of goats and monkeys wearing lipstick. Give me a lion any day. I was rather fond of lions.
On the night, I dressed in my finest royal blue morning suit with matching top hat. Of course, I applied one of my favourite scents too, Midnight Cobra. It comprises of a masterful combination of Rum, Eucalyptus and the vaginal excretions of a lady cobra, milked (as it were) at midnight. Hence the name.
My man Morris dropped me off at the field that the Circus was set up in. It was quite the muddy affair; full of peasants smoking spitty little cigarettes and drinking coarse alcohol from grubby containers. Most distasteful. I pulled out my good pipe and puffed disdainfully.
The Lady Winnifred had not yet arrived. I took a swig of my hip flask in between puffs of my pipe to keep my dander firm. A swig of Mad Agnes was just what a gentleman needed before meeting a lady. Whilst waiting, I wondered how many Lions the circus might have.
I heard my name called and turned to see the Lady Winnifred beckon me over.
This way Boomy, let me show you the special entrance!
I swiftly moved to her side.
I would be honoured to see your special entrance, Milady!
I declared boldly.
She gave me quite an odd look. I appraised her back. It was the first I had seen her close up. I was not impressed. To call her a pig in knickers would be doing her a kindness.
It's this way.
She frowned, pointing to a side flap in the Circus tent that was guarded by a burly fellow.
I darted in front of her and glowered at the burly peon guarding the canvas flap. He moved aside swiftly, holding his nose and rubbing at his eyes.
Milady, let me hold your flaps open, it is the gentlemanly thing to do.
She frowned further and ducked under the flap I held for her. We made our way to the seats in the front row that had been reserved for us.
It didn't take long for Lady Winnifred to recover from her surliness and smile.
Well, we are here now and despite the place stinking to high heaven of snakes in brine let's make the best of it!
She exclaimed brightly.
Oh yes, that would be splendid. Do you think they have a lion?
I do not think so. This is a show of acrobatics and artistry.
She declared with a pomposity that was well at odds with her snoutish exterior.
A tall man in red came out and announced the start of the show. I watched agog as we were then subjected to ten minutes of half-naked people fannying about in the air.
Where's the fucking Lion?
I hissed exasperatedly after a further twenty minutes of watching four men dressed as avocados chasing each other with hoops.
There are no lions.
Hissed back Lady Winnifred.
The chubby fellow to my left muttered something angrily. As he was a peasant I presumed he was puzzled by the avocado men, having no doubt, never having seen an avocado.
No Lions? Not even one? Surely to fucking god, there is something? What about some Penguins?
Lady Winifred snorted loudly like the pig that she wasn't.
It's an acrobatic show, not an animal one.
She snarled exasperatedly.
This is shit. I've been sold a mongrel.
The chubby peasant to my side shifted about to face me.
What the fuck? Did she say there was no fucking Lions?
He asked quite belligerently.
I can hardly believe it myself old fellow but she did indeed. I mean what kind of circus doesn't have a Lion?
Lady Winnifred slapped her head with one of her cloven feet.
For the love of god stop talking about Lions!
I ignored her and jerked my head at the fat peasant.
Tell you what old chap. Let me take you for a drink eh. Or seven! We can talk about Lions and the good old days when a Circus was a fucking Circus! Come on, it's my shout.
I clapped him on his meaty shoulder and waved my wallet enticingly at him.
Well, I don't mind if I do!
The hefty peasant levered himself out of his seat.
Lead the way guvnor!
I gathered my hat and cane and stood. I bowed stiffly to Piggy Winnifred.
Enjoy your acrobatics milady, I am quite certain it will be the only ones you experience tonight.
I turned to the meaty peasant.
Come on then old fellow. I know this very quiet pub down near the docks. They sell some powerful spirits down there. We can drink like you aren't going to wake up tomorrow!
As my new friend and I readied to head off into the night, Winnifred poked at me.
What will I tell my Father?
Tell him nothing milady. I know I won't, after all...
Awwwww my dear gentleman. The poor peasant made a big mistake O
why follow a gentleman for a drink? awww---as a young lady, I love gentlemen even though they never tell!!!! Upped
Hahahahaha, I agree with you. A gentleman never tells indeed.
HAha, I do agree, what a foolish peasant!
Chills!!! I waited for this read all week and you never disappoint me with this amazing tale. Dear lord!!!!! Hmmmmm hmmmm hmmmm uncke boom missed seeing a lion, Lady Winnifred was not Boomy type of woman and a peasant agreed to have a drink with a gentleman!!!! A peasant ???? Hmmmm am sure that it will be his last drink!!! However, a gentleman never tells!!! Upped, always. Keep up the good work.
A gift to uncle Boomy ...Lion
A gentleman never does!! Silly peasant. He might not have quite the hangover he was expecting! hehe
Hahahah ....guess that them peasants never learn....anyway....to make you happy, I attached 3 Lionesses for your eyes only.. look up. But shhhhhh a gentleman never tells.
Lol, lionesses indeed!
Lol, welcome. Feel free to pay a gent a visit, you are always welcome on my page. I wish you, your children and the good lady a happy weekend.
Ha...I was right. I thought I'll search the terms in the flyer and found really Cirque du Soleil .
And I am sure by lion, you mean female lion😎
Hehe, you are sharp as a tack!! That's exactly where I got that term from! Great detectivity!!
And the lion too, it would absolutely be a female lion!!!
Just another day being a busybody:-)
OMG, hahahahaha! This one almost had me ROFL indeed! Ah, @meesterboom, without exception you do me in, lol. My day is complete. :D
Without exception! That is high praise indeed! Cheers lass!! :0)
Man hands, that can be a problem
AAAarrrrrgh, thems the ones! The horror!!
Look forward to next Thursday
Excellent :O)
At least the lions turned up in the comments! Good Show Boomy!
They did!! He would be awfully happy!!! :O)
A rollicking good tale, good meesterboom. I don't mind telling you, since you are a gentleman and will never tell, I hate the circus. It's the clowns you see. They are a terrifying sight to behold.
If I ever run into a clown on the street, I'm of a mind to punch him in the neck.
The only answer to a tricky situation is indeed a good solid neck punching!!
go for the juggler xD sorry, couldn't resist...
Bada boom! :OD
Ahh the Midnight Cobra! Still makes my mouth froth to this very day!
I have heard many things about Lady Barrington, but I never thought that it was because she counted as multiple people. I don't want to hog all the puns here, swine just going to say one thing. After all, I don't want to boar anyone. Porkers reap what they sow.
I don't want to play favorites, but this line made the water I was drinking go out in the wrong hole:
I know, I know. After 29 adventures of Uncle Boom, and hundreds more of your posts that I've read, you would think I know better than to ingest liquids while perusing your masterful handiwork. Good show, old bean!
Haha, I did like that line when it fell out of my head! That was a splendid collection of porkery on the pun front!!!
Oink you glad I didn't ham it up? I still can't stop laughing about the flaps hahaha! Gets me every time I read it!
I imagine that Lady Winnifred really was so ugly that Uncle Boom wanted a lion to devour her to be free of that commitment ... First Lady Fotheringham and then Lady Winnifred and neither of them liked it, what happens to Uncle Boom !, Remind Uncle Boom that perfection is the enemy of the good and that He must gives a second chance to "pig in knickers". I believe that "Mad Agnes" is his true love.
I too believe that Mad Agnes is his true love :0)
That's the cutest lion pic I have ever seen!
I have to agree... I saw it on Pinterest and had to save it!
Somehow this is exactly the type of cat pictures I would expect you to post-- maybe a little cuter than I'd imagine lol!
This is my favorite!
Hhaha, thats pretty awesome!
LOLOL!!!
A lady with man hands should we're gloves,but eventually the hands will still be seen
Eventually all things are seen!
Coconut spoon? LOL
Did you happen to go to a circus like this one? Because I did, once upon a time when the wee ones were still wee, lol, and I was also mighty disappointed by their lack of large cats. No wonder the kids tickets were free....even they were bored before the end!
HEhe, I was quite proud of coconut spoon!
I did go to one like this!! It was so dull! It was just an endless procession of people fighting ribbons in the air and the ground. I think I fell asleep, I was with a lady too!
Lol, I am glad you like the skillz ;O)
Hooo, noooo, poor country man accept a challenge of wisky with Uncle Boom, sorry sir do not babe what he does.
Another great reading dear friend @meesterboom, I admire more and more this character
Thank you very much for the entertainment, I wish you a good night
He should have known better, didnt his mother warn him when he was but a babe of the boomster and his strangly hands!
Hehe, cheers @jlufer!
hahaha, man hands! how you handle those hands Till now :p
How could you ignore her :/
Too big the hands!!
I Salute you!
Hey @uncleboom i have new Remedy for you About Constipation, Don't forget to have a view.
Love Thursdays with the boom! Very Elizabethan! I do have to wonder and maybe it’s my lack of knowledge about the ways of the scots but why did you put on your best morning suit in the evening? Would even your 2nd best evening suit have trumped a morning suit? Mayhaps you and the fine peasant fellow have gone down to the wharf to imbibe onsoms fine craft beers? (Similar to those I often review wink wink nod nod)! 😉
Haha, Ishall have a look at those reviews. I did check inthe other day and there wrent any new ones I am sure!
Its funny. The traditional morning suit is a sort of evening/formal suit with tails? I have no idea why its called a morning suit!
I apologize for the hints, but I did notice you had missed a few, and I knew you would be interested in some of the beer. Thanks for the votes, I do appreciate them.
Sorry to nit pick details in your stories. :) well not really ;)
It was disappointing to note that there were no lions in the circus after you had much looked forward to it. Better luck next time, meesterboom if you had the chance to go out with another lady. Upvoted!
I am sure one day the lions will come!
but no murder?! :(
An unseen murder this week, obviously the pant was going to pay the Piper!!
:0D
There's a lot of references to vaginas in this one.
Hehe, every part takes its turn. That's your time in Scotland helping you :0)
Lmao...this made my day.. @meesterboom i would like to know why you love lions so much tho
Haha, now that is a very good question!!
Lol...well...are you going to tell me
Great stuff written by a great man. And it's okay that there was a Cobras vagina.
I thought that was ok too! In fact, I was relieved almost!
Hehehehe I got lost in the last part, you left with the peasant or you stayed with Lady Winnifred???
Left with the peasant! :0)
An interesting one at that.
Hehe, glad you think so!
I am rather pleased there were no lions there, not for the sake of being anti animal circus'(which I am obvs), but because I was actually worried Uncle Boom was about to ditch Winnifred and get a little too friendly with the lion!
That was my original intention with the story!!! :0D
xD
Hiss, how can there be no lions.
Midnight Cobra's milk was wasted for nothing!
But is Midnight Cobra ever a waste! ;OD hehe
Oh... when I actually think about it... You're probably right :d
Hehe :O)
Uncle Boom is in fine form! Taking the meaty peasant out for a drink (or more) is a stroke of genius on Uncle Boom's part! Imagine no lions in Cirque du Soleil! Poor Winnifred...a pig in knickers
No lions, only sensuality and acrobaticity! lol
Tomorrow's headlines "Poor hardworking peasant found, dead, behind The Jolly Roger, near the dooks early this morning.
Cause of death not yet known, but could have been excess alcohol.
Last seen with a distinguished Gentleman in a blue morning suit.
Poor Miss Piggy Winnifred, it is a shame when a Gentleman has nothing to tell.
You must have written the copy for the newspaper! That is exactly what it would be. Poor miss
piggyWinnifred indeed :0)no lion for you, no loin for her. :) I pity the peasant for what awaits him.
I suspect it would have been a grubby and horrid way to go!!
Nice your post
Thank you
Good...interesting articles
Excellent, Cheers!
hahaha, I always enjoy your tales.
Smashing, I am glad you do :0)
nice writing
Cheers!
The moment we've all been waiting for!!! UNCLE BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
have a good day with him
And you with old flaggy
Thank you so much for sharing your life with a story that you wrote about life
So tender your tone, it reminds me of our first dance
haaaa, yes, i agree with you,
i like it @meesterboom
Ah, my favourite. A serial comment spammer!
I flagged a few of your spamming comments. I hope that you can recognise that it is because this kind of behaviour makes steemit a poorer place for everyone
Thnk you
I had a look at your account on steemdb. Comment spam much?
Nice amending your comment to look all harmless. Dont forget its all on the blockchain