It was Friday a week ago. I went on the first class of my 'experimental sports month' and tried Bikram Yoga. Remember: this was the first lesson of anything real other than some very controlled weight training after I butchered my foot three years ago.
I sat and stood in 40 degrees Celcius for 1,5 hours long and wasn't allowed to leave the room. I was allowed to skip exercises and just sit them out, focussing on my breathing. We did 26 poses, each 2 times, for a total of 1,5 hours in extreme heat and it was brutal. I couldn't do most poses and some that I dared to try I only could do half. I stayed in the room though, focusing on my breathing, my body screaming for water and a cold shower.
Even some exercises that were adapted to be made easier - I couldn't do.
I felt pain. I felt discomfort. I felt some emotions that resemble mourning towards the body I saw in the mirror. I was jealous of people standing stable on one leg. I felt relief that at least one other person sat a few exercises instead of trying to do them. But most of all I felt this was heavy and I came from a far far place.
The class was over, we were put in our last 'position' which is laying on your back on your mat to let the 1,5 hours sink in the body, and I started crying.
Real, embarrassing crying.
Sobbing.
It started with two tears and I told myself they would go away. They didn't. They just kept coming. In the end I gave in.
I was noticeably crying a silent room of 40 degrees Celcius with all other students on their backs as well.
I just couldn't stop and remember at some point I realized if this was in there maybe for years now I shouldn't want to put it away. So I let it go, all the tears, probably some from physical trauma, some from energy flowing in different ways through the body, some from the realisation that I should/could/would've done this way way earlier? Or not? Probably not. But still.
Doubts.
One woman came to ask me if I was okay. "You will be fine", she said, her hand on my arm, consoling.
I went to the dressing room, showered, felt better, and another woman told me "It happens often. I once started crying halfway a lesson. Don't worry, you were brave today."
A few women nodded.
And then I felt relieve. Something was resolved, out of the body, thanks to that cleansing cry. I hated it and embraced it at the same time. Then I almost got emotional that I felt so good now. I did put away those tears, enough is enough ;-)
Yesterday, I found out one of my good friends died. His name was Brandon. He was supposed to come to my wedding but couldn't at the last minute. Of course, like taking the sunrise for granted, we assumed we would see each other again. Very sad, was a great guy. Interesting I see this post on my timeline today.
Oh man - reading that just gave me goosebumps. That's so incredibly sad - sorry to hear you lost your friend and both missed out on the chance to celebrate your wedding day. We tend to assume we'll see each other again - and then we don't. Wishing you strength in your process of remembering and saying goodbye to Brandon. Virtual hug, and Carpe diem.
I don't like to talk about crying, because some people use it as a weapon. You were so mean to me I cried. My snarky mind thinks... Well you cry a lot soo...
I was raised to not show emotion and I repress a lot.
However, the last time I cried we had made a move (physical location) and I was scared whether or not it was going to be comfortable.
I cried. Also like a baby...
It was actually a great move, but I'm not sad about expressing the fear via tears.
I'm lucky I've never seen it used as a weapon myself, but I know in some groups/cultures there's huge taboo/misunderstanding surrounding crying and it's so wrong. It's kind of powerful to show vulnerabilities. Ofcourse I don't mean those babies you are mentioning ;-) They should be locked in their rooms :')
I was raised with a father who never cried and didn't teach it to us, and with a mother who could cry more easily and at some point in her life cried often due to various reason. So I learned from both: one taught me to put it away, the other to let go. I'm just trying to find the right balance :D
Good for you the move turned out well. Good for you to cry like a baby as well. Big moves are scary and big life changes cause actual feelings of mourning. We don't tend to call it mourning, but it is.
Thanks for sharing :-)
I love this story: super powerful and go You! What a release :) difficult to go through but as you say so relieving to get it out! I cried yesterday while reading an Alice Hoffman book (the third angel). I love crying. It is so good for us, actually releases stress hormones and i love that. What a gift to ourselves. Sometimes I wish I cried more easily... Like a good rain washing everything clean.
Ha! Sorry for the late reply, but YES it was super powerful! And a huge release. I will have time to go to these sessions more in a few weeks, for now I'm going 'safe' on Pilates which I love, but the Bikram I'll get back to when I really have some 'room' for it - both head/body ;-)
Crying is super healthy and I can really appreciate a good cry too :-) A sad tv series when no-one is around can do the trick for me ;-)
The last time I cried? 8 years ago. It was my second year in secondary school and (being a star student that time), I had disappointed my English teacher so bad and she flogged me lol. Flogging in schools is normal in Nigeria btw. So my English teacher insisted that I would cry before she left me alone, since I was jovial half the time. I had to force tears to satisfy her.
But 2015 was a bad year. Dad's business was taking a knock and all my remaining 3 grandparents kicked the bucket. I wished I could let out tears, genuinely, but in vain.
My neighbour Ned died the following year, shot dead by the police in a death inexplicable till death. My dog died the same year.
A bunch of tragedies but tears seem alien to me. I resolved to writing tragic stories in a bid to ameliorate whatever emotion I was feeling
Ha, we certainly don't have flogging here! Hope that didn't happen again.
2015 doesn't sound like a good year indeed, lots of losses, I'm sorry to hear. Crying is not easy for everyone - if writing is what you do to process than that sounds like a healthy way to recover from your losses. Thank you for sharing!
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It's so true! I had to jump to comments and votes because i have not connected with you in such a long time. Looking forward to taking in your post 🍉🍻🍇
Edit: what an amazing touching close to my heart dear sweet post. ❤🤗🍉
That's one down! How many other new things are you going to try? I am also curious how much yoga you have practiced in your life.
Thank-you for inspiring a post. I will write about my first Bikram yoga class.
I appreciate your level of vulnerability! It's so empowering and beautiful.
I tend to have my emotions turned off. I am learning how to turn them back on again. I cried a lot on Wednesday. At Ceremony in the mountains with my teachers and apprentice sisters. I hope it's not a long time unill I connect with you a🍉🍍gain 😁🍒
Hey @yogajill - thanks a lot for stopping by! :-) And for your sweet comment.
As for yoga: that Bikram class was my first attempt at yoga! I've literally never done any classes in Yoga, maybe have done 8 'yoga stretches' from youtube when I had back pain, but that's it. You are well versed in yoga if I have to believe your username here? :D Curious to read about your first Bikram class indeed.
I'm also curious about Wednesday and how you came to crying. Healthy stuff. Ceremony in the mountains sounds amazing.
Hope to see your posts soon :-) Cheers!
OMG, I cry all the time.
This is not the most recent but a couple weekends ago we were at an art show. Having a snack in a food area. A little kid was there with his mom and grandma. He went to sit on a chair and it fell over. He hit his head and was crying. I don’t totally know why (cause I am not a huge kid person) but the kid crying mad me start to cry. And like you I couldn’t stop. I feel like it was a combo of PMS and then I imagined how upsetting to me it would be if my dog was hurt like that and then I was imagining if I had a child I would love it more than my dog... 🤣 and that kind of overwhelmed me like omg I couldn’t handle loving someone so much and seeing them hurt.And the combo of all these things just sent me into a an empathy induced sob fest. At an outdoor art show. 😂🤣
Lol - you're awesome :D That's such a cute story and oh the idea that you could love your kid so much and seeing it get hurt <3 That's heartbreaking. I just CAN'T imagine how that looked like, you sobbing at an outdoor sob fest, you really should let people film you and put it on DTube :')
Thanks, this made me smile, glad you shared :D
I cry at night or in the shower when no one can see me. I have stopped crying for a while now. There's simply no point anymore. My eyes have gone dry and the pain never leaves.
That sounds like a severe depression and I hope you have help, and if not, try to get help.
Does crying when watching TV or movies count? That happens quite often. Otherwise, honestly I can't remember, might have been when I last had an arguement with my husband
Yes it counts :D I cry during tv shows too - especially if I watch them alone and don't feel so self-conscious about it :-)
Arguments are awful and a legit reason for tears too <3
Last time was when I was listening music. I don't actually remember when it has been in another occasion other than with music when I have cried. Years and years ago it must be.
Music can certainly do that! Such an emotional wave and some music really tells a story or expresses feelings which resonate <3 Sort of a button that pushes on our emotions which come flowing out haha. Good to have a 'method' to cry, sometimes it's really necessary.
It was a few months ago! I got a text message from my cousin to tell me one of my oldest friends was murdered while taking a Taxify trip. At first, I didn't believe it and once the calls started coming in and the news reports it really hit me!
Holy sh*t, that sounds surreal! During a Taxify trip? That sounds so random? I'm sorry you had to lose your friend that way and I'm glad you were able to cry, not everyone can.
Today, while listening to my favorite artist. It's crazy how sometimes just a song can make you feel whole again when everything about your life feels like a mess. I've been in a really bad place mentally for about a week with all the career and existential crisis.
But no matter what happens to me, somehow his music always makes me feel hopeful in a weird hopeless way, if that makes sense.
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I'm trying to remember crying for myself. I easily cry for other's situations. It doesn't take much for me to be terribly sad for the world's problems. I even cry when I hear a parent be short with their child and always offer a prayer of help from the universe for the situation. I did cry and threw pillows at a wall about ten years ago out of frustration of constant pain that ended up lasting over ten years. I only cried that once but the frustration became my filter in life and I think I developed an unpleasant edge to my personality. I think I should have cried more...maybe I wouldn't have such a "just get through it and call it a day" attitude and enjoyed my life a little more. That negative energy is still with me even though I have felt good enough these last 5 months and it still colors my world but I do believe it is less now and now that I see it. I will try and keep an eye on myself and change and enjoy my new health by remembering I'm better. I am not who I was but I can be better than who I am now. It's funny that you bring this subject up because I just figured this out about myself three days ago.
Thanks for sharing this experience. I usually cry from nostalgia and emotional movie scenes, something I can't help. In recent years, I usually cry when I'm successful/feeling success with my business and/or investments, because I'm not only proving to myself that I made the right decision to quit my job, but also validating myself when my late Dad resented and doubted me every step of the way (seemingly expecting me to fail for what he thought was taking easy street).
Also seeing his face and my relatives' faces in the picture taken at my Mom's car accident -- where no other logical explanation could explain how she survived the brutal trauma. I haven't looked at it in almost 10 months and don't want to anymore.
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just the other day.... thinking of the fact if life ended now...and I had to mis my kids and family...gave me the chills and tears....