In need of advice

Hi there, I hope you're well. Thank you for being around and giving my content a chance.

First of all, a warning. In this post, I'll mention some delicate matters, as mindfully and respectfully as I can, of course, but it might still be difficult to read. If you choose to skip this one, I understand and support that decision. Our healthy boundaries are precious and it's admirable to know oneself good enough to avoid unnecessary stressors. This is something I desperately need to talk write about though, so I hope you can understand that.

This Hive account, I created with the purpose of unburdening my heart of certain matters I did not wish to associate with my real name. Anonymity seemed fair since it would finally give me some room to speak freely. I have to admit that using a different name didn't help much with the self-inflicted censorship, as I seem to be a people-pleaser and not very keen to just throw my garbage out there for anyone and everyone to deal with.

Eliza Óreiðudóttir, the character I crafted to help me discover a way forward and move on, has been my shield of sorts. To this day, I've found in this blog a cathartic space. This process, and the people I've met along the way, have inspired me to consider new, unfamiliar perspectives and points of view. I've even tried new methods and media of expression, and gone back to those I knew and had put aside, like painting. And for all of that, I'm grateful.

Today, I put the shield down and admit to being in dire need of help. Of advice. I wouldn't be doing this if I hadn't already exhausted other options. Trust me, it doesn't sit entirely well with me to openly talk about these matters, but at this point, I don't know what to do. I've tried discussing them with people close to me, but they didn't really listen, and I didn't push it. I just don't have it in me to force people to deal with things that I should be wish I was able to handle on my own.

Anyway, if you're still reading, thank you. And please allow me to ask you to do so from a place of understanding and kindness, devoid of judgment (to the best of your abilities). Also, it's okay to take some distance from the issue too. That I encourage. As for me, I will try to present the necessary facts, nothing more, with as much objectivity as I can, being as I am a part of the issue. Wish me luck.


What led me to this point

When I was a kid, I met a monster. Not only that, but I coexisted in the same space. Surely you've heard about the kind of monster that doesn't seem to be so. The details are unnecessary, but I suffered the consequences of people close to me deliberately, or unknowingly, overlooking the fact that the person was a monster. About thirteen years ago, the monster was finally out of my life, and in all my remaining innocence and ingenuity, I thought it would be final.

And so I was left to pick up the pieces of the wreck I had come to be, which I didn't mind because the monster was no longer a threat, was he? And of course, I spent years literally looking over my shoulder, fearing that he would somehow be back. Years passed, and the feeling of being somehow safe started to settle. Sort of. Still... Even though time had diluted the terror I felt, and even though the work I did on myself helped make it all a distant nightmare, part of me stayed vigilant. Of course.

What I didn't prepare for was for my mother to let the monster back into our lives. So blindly and willingly. Three sons (two of which are his) and plenty of years of depending on everybody else later, here we are. And I can't, I just can't wrap my head around why she would do that. Answers come to mind, but they just don't seem justifiable to me. Is it the possibility of money? I can't even think about it without retching. I don't understand, and I'm certainly compelled to run the other way as fast as I can.

But this isn't even the worst part. This, I was somehow close to finding out how to deal with, complex but not complicated, something I could sort out without letting it overly affect me. At least that's where I was headed. Until today.


The straw that broke the camel's back

Some of my best traits are a double-edged sword. My brain is very good at coming up with solutions, really fast, because I spend at least 80% of the time going through all kinds of scenarios in my head. When presented with a problem, even a potential one, to find the best possible path(s) forward is an instinctive response. I've received some praise for that quirk of mine, especially when applied to work-related environments because I suggest viable solutions when other people haven't even started to think about the problem. And, since I visualize the best, the good, and the worst way before the issue is materialized, I prepare. To the best of my abilities, at least.

Another thing I'm very good at is compartmentalizing. I've had to learn how to, in order to survive. That's how most of the time I can project an image of apparent stillness, look like I'm keeping it together, whilst running intel in that brain of mine at warp speed. Some bubbles might disturb the surface, but most of the time, the people around me see only what I allow them to. Most of the time, that is. To err is human. So is to break. And if I'm honest, some things hit so close that they almost drive me to my breaking point. For example, anything that endangers, directly or indirectly, my brothers. Particularly the youngest of them, who is seven years old and not only my brother but also my godchild.

Today, I found out my mother has been leaving him alone in the apartment they live in, for some periods of time (uncertain so far). My mother doesn't have a steady job. She's not studying. She's got places to be sometimes, of course, but this can't be the logical solution. When I rack my brains, there is virtually no reason for her to leave my seven-year-old brother alone. In an apartment with a gas stove, little to no food, no working phone, a lock that is incredibly difficult to open, neighbors I don't like nor trust, and the list goes on.

To me, if you were telling me this about people completely unrelated to me, I'd say it's batshit crazy. A recipe for disaster. Something to use only as a last resort, and even then, I'm sure I'd find a better approach. Why in the world would she do that. I don't know. Am I overreacting? Maybe. Maybe not.

What's actually worse about this is the way I, the big sister, the godmother of my seven-year-old brother, the one that has come through for them so many times, found out. Just as I had to find out about my mother welcoming the monster back into our lives from someone else, which shred to almost nothing the trust I have in her, I found out about she leaving my brother alone from a text message exchange, in which she was talking about visiting the fucking monster with his sons (my two other brothers), and leaving my seven-year-old brother alone at the house to wait for them in the meantime. Pardon my French, but...

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

I feel completely and utterly lost. My confidence in the fact that my mother could ever do a better job at performing that role is destroyed. And I'm sorry, but it is what it is. Only hard facts, thousands of them accumulated over the upcoming years, could change that. And that is extremely unlikely. Going through every possible scenario, to the best of my imagination, has left me in a miserable state. Today, I can't get it together. Today, I am definitely not okay. And I have no idea of what to do.

Panic attacks are something I've been familiar with from a very young age. By now, I had been doing well at preventing them, lowering their rate of appearance, and managing them, were they to eventually circumvent my defenses. But you see, symptoms and manifestations such as crippling anxiety and panic attacks that leave you unable to breathe are like fever. They signal that something is very wrong and needs to be addressed. That much I know and understand to this day.

In the last three days, on top of an awful migraine, I've had two panic attacks. Bad ones. And yes, I've managed to snap out of it eventually, but the underlying issue is there and calling for my attention. To be honest, when I try to come up with ways of addressing this whole situation, my mind goes blank. Completely blank, which adds to the weight on my shoulders, because I'm used to coming up with solutions. At least options. And with this... I don't have anything. I don't know what to do.

Now, I'm a realist. I'm well aware of the fact that the information provided isn't nearly enough for you to suggest an appropriate course of action. I know the advice I so desperately need might not come from you. Nonetheless, if you're here, reading these words, my gratitude goes to you. Thank you for listening, for somehow contributing to lifting the weight off my shoulders. To you, but mostly to myself, I promise to stay strong, as I have done until now.

Be well and see you around. Thank you again.

Sort:  

Read and heard. Sending you love and light, and the strength to know what to do, and to act upon it with grace. xx

Hello, I hope you're well. I felt comfort flowing from your words to me, and so I hope the good energy multiplies and travels back to you.

Thank you so much for your comment. I appreciate you taking the time to read and listen.

Big hug to you and see you around!

Wow I honestly feel for you. I've had somewhat different but comparable experiences. And yeah, it's the worst when you see your loved ones, for whom you would do anything, suffer or hurt.
I don't know the situation and can't offer any concrete advice. What I can recommend is that you continue to work on yourself. Everything happens for a reason, every experience is there to bring light to a part of us that needs healing. It might be buried deep in our subconscious mind so it's almost impossible to realize it through analytical thinking. Instead, techniques like EFT or even better, psych-k might help. Parasympathetic breathing exercises, Ho'oponopono or reading some good spiritual books helped me over the years as well. It's tough when there are things seemingly out of our control - we can either try and change them or change our perception of them.
I'm sure you will gain clarity over the situation and how to move forward, and that things will take a turn for the better. Praying that you stay strong and positive. 🙏

Hello Alcibiades,

Thank you for your thoughtful comment. Although it saddens me a little that you've had to endure similar situations, I'm sure you're stronger because of how you chose to do so. I appreciate you taking the time to suggest a few tools to help me move forward, which is really the only option I have. Some of them I'm familiar with, others not so much, and I'll look into them.

It's tough when there are things seemingly out of our control - we can either try and change them or change our perception of them.

I agree with you, and I'm working towards adjusting my perceptions of the things I can't control into more favourable ones. For myself, because I need it to stay strong and keep going.

I'm sure you will gain clarity over the situation and how to move forward, and that things will take a turn for the better. Praying that you stay strong and positive.

Thank you so much for your trust and your wishes.

Be well and see you around!

Hola amiga,

I read it all.

I feel for you and your little brother.
Eventhough you're writing under an alias - very understandable - you are extremely courageous to share this personal story on here.

Sending you a huge hug and loads of good energy,
as well as all of the strength that you need to get through this.

xxx

Hola Vincent!

Espero que estejas bem. Thank you so much for reading about this part of my life, I get it mustn't have been an easy thing to do. I appreciate you being here. The good energy, strength, and sentiment are well received and reciprocated.

Gracias, amigo. Be well and see you around!

Abraços.

Easy no but not that hard either. It must have been a lot harder for you to write this down and to go through this. With my own life experience and can relate to and empathize with you and your family.

Un fuerte abrazo!

I don't know what to tell you. I'm speechless. Maybe, I just have to say I have read you. And that I am here when you need to vent.
A big hug to you. Be strong and stay safe, please. xoxo

Hi Eli!

I hope you're well. Thank you so much for your comment, your words and sentiment are very much appreciated. This was a necessary step and I'm moving forward. I promise to stay strong.

You too stay safe. Sending a big hug your way. See you around!

Any necessary step that allows you to move forward is a good thing to do, no matter how hard it could be. See you around! xoxo

Hi @beautifulwreck I read this yesterday and was at a loss to say to what could be helpful. Sending you big hugs in the meantime. I am appalled by your mother, really appalled. I know people are here to talk if you need a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen. Me included.
Letting things out like this is a good thing to do. I don't judge and everyone from time to time just needs to let it all out.
Am thinking of you.

Hello Ed, I hope you're well.

Thank you so much for your heartfelt comment, I receive your words with gratitude. As of today, the situation stays the same, but I'm finding it in me to keep going forward somehow. It's thanks to the inner strength I've learned to gather over the years, but it's also thanks to the genuine support and good energy I've received. Being vulnerable isn't easy, yet how beautiful it is when it brings comfort.

Be well and see you around!

I am well thank you @beautifulwreck , I know the situation os so darn stressful but people are thinking of you. Your inner strength is amazing and trials and tribulations make us stronger. Big hugs and am here if needed.

Thank you, I really appreciate that!

Always my pleasure and always here.

Hi @beautifulwreck, nothing I say can change your situation, but my heart goes out to you, brave lady! It's good that you have this space to let it all out as it is kind of cathartic to speak about the things that are weighing us down. I've done it many times here, and it does help, but your situation is way more complex!
I have written numerous blogs about tools I used to help me through depression but would urge you to try alternate nostril breathing for your panic attacks, as that truly is a valuable technique that can be done anywhere.
I hope you don't mind my lengthy response but keep on writing, draw on that inner strength and try to do the things you love as well! Much love and blessings to you and your little brother xxx

Hi Lizelle,

Your heartfelt comment is very much appreciated. I had hesitated about sharing this part of my life, to be honest, and I'm glad I did because the tension release helped me see a bit more clearly.

Thank you so much for linking some of your writings on tools to overcome depression and the like, I'm definitely checking them out.

Much love and blessings to you too. See you around!

I hope the situation resolves itself sometime soon @beautifulwreck. Your brother does seem far too young to have to be left alone to fend for himself. That must cause you undue stress and anguish, not to mention what it may be doing to him. Sometimes hard decisions have to be taken. I hope your Mom sees sense soon for everyone's sake. Sometimes we have to be the voice of reason within our own family and the voice of protection. It's not an easy role... but somebody has to step up and do it if harm is being suffered. I wish you love as you ponder the options available to you and the best way to approach and resolve the issue❣️