Trust from the first date

in #work4 months ago (edited)

Last night, I spent a few hours drilling my wife. This sounds a lot more fun than it actually was, as unfortunately for me, it was practice for a pre-interview call that she had today. It seems to have went well and she will go on for further in the process. Even though she is lacking some of the experience necessary, she has an abundance of experience in other key areas and a work history that is relatively unique.

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However, as I was saying to her last night, a lot of the interviews in these kinds of areas aren't about whether a person can do a job, it is about whether that person is a good fit for the established team. The core skills necessary to do the job must of course be met, but that can be qualified very quickly - it is the personality of the candidate that is harder to establish and how they will mesh with the team. But, this is only one side of the equation, because as they say, it takes two to tango.

My advice for interviews is to treat it like a date where you want to marry and spend the rest of your life with the person, not just sleep with them and never call them again. What I mean by this is, be yourself.

Often when people go on dates they try to impress the other person by not being themselves, fronting as something that they think they are looking for. This is the intuition saying, "I need to trick this person into liking me" and even though it might work to get the person hooked, long-term it is bound to fail as the "real you" leaks out and the social contract was broken. Now, you've changed. This goes for the presentation from the company side too, where if they say "we have a great team" and then the new employee finds themselves in a hostile and acidic environment, they won't stick around.

The other part of this is no matter how pretty the job may be, at the end of the day, most of the job satisfaction comes from parts of the job that aren't tied to the job or the money, it is the people and the sense that what one does has value that delivers this. It is best for both parties to be upfront in the relationship, be honest in what they are each looking for and transparent with wishes.

On the point of transparency, the application required a salary expectation and I think that I have a pretty good answer for this in the conversation. Firstly, be realistic in the actual estimation of the job, but if going further in the interview, have the employer make a suggestion based on their appraisal of the job tasks, as they know with more precision what it entails. However, tell them that you want to start from a position of trust and you will trust that they will be fair, mentioning that if they underpay for the position, you will quickly recognize it and trust would be lost. In my experience, this creates a far better point of healthy negotiation and if the job is valuable to the company, they will pay whatever it takes to meet their needs.

More importantly than the salary though, is having the needs of the relationship met, where each side has to make sure that they are up front about their expectations and responsibilities, which includes the working atmosphere. There is nothing worse than people saying "I am great in a team or working independently" only to find out that they have to be micromanaged or spend their time undermining the team by hoarding work and not communicating. For the right person, good companies will meet the needs of the employee and a good employee, will make some sacrifices at times too, because they value the relationship and are willing to make some compromises.

Building a good relationship with the company is important in many ways and it isn't just about the employee and the employer. Often, the workplace gets the best of us as we have to be more restrained socially, bite our tongue a little more, especially in places where trust is low. When this is combined with work that goes unvalued in an environment with poor communication - people tend to get frustrated and stressed and while they might cover it at work, at the end of the day, people need to go home to their families. This can create additional pressure at home so that neither the workplace or the house is a place where people can relax and feel comfortable and valued.

Relationship building isn't a two-way street, it is a crisscrossing network of tethers that tie people together and create dynamics that affect feeling and behavior. An environment where people are valued, cared for, respected and here trust is maintained, is far better to get the most of individuals and have them feel that what they do matters, they aren't just a cog in the machine to be replaced when worn.

It is very easy to build trust with transparency of thought and behavior, just as it is very easy to lose it when caught lying about fundamentals. Starting the relationship with the expectation that both sides want what is best for the other, whether that is together or apart, clarifies the conditions very quickly to see whether there is a second date, or it is a, "nice to meet you, I wish you all the best in the future".

My wife has enough skills to be considered for the job, but it will be whether she fits into their organization, and they fit for her, which will be the deciding factor. It is better for everyone to go into the relationship with their eyes open, rather than date for a few months or years until realizing, they aren't really compatible.

It is easy to "lose ourselves" when we focus on desired aspects of something, whether that be a person for a relationship, or a potential dream job of some kind. We will miss the warning signs from the negatives as we focus on the positives, the lack of honesty while blinded by charm. When we are ourselves, we are not only more likely to be attractive to the right people, we spend less energy on trying to maintain who we are not, which frees up the bandwidth to focus on other things.

Another piece of advice for an interview is, no matter how great the job appears, how high the salary, how much you need it - desperation is generally a deal breaker. Be yourself and have the confidence to be able to walk away and often, you won't have to walk and you will find positions that are the right fit and work for you, and for them.

Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]

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My advice for interviews is to treat it like a date where you want to marry and spend the rest of your life with the person, not just sleep with them and never call them again. What I mean by this is, be yourself.

But what if myself just wants to sleep with them and never call? Asking for a friend.

I always hated the 'what do you need to work here?' question. "Uhhhhh scale is just fine with me." If they weren't prepared to pay scale they probably weren't prepared to have a journeyman working at their job. I once took a job 'modernizing' their maintenance practices and instituting a scheduled program. Every quarter was a battle of costs of maintenance and I didn't last long. "Can't we put that off til next quarter?" didn't work well with my schedule :)

But what if myself just wants to sleep with them and never call?

In this case, I have a lot of advice... Firstly.... :D

It is difficult when everyone is trying to optimize, in places that they shouldn't be optimizing.

Ahahahaha. Well OK then.

I am still LTM (laughing to myself) over the opening sentence.

All of that "LoL" was making me look NUTZ.!

She's one of my favourite strangers. We've never spoken, but I read so much about her I feel like I know her. Hope she gets it.

I talk her up here, but I can't tell her too often to her face, otherwise she will get a big head and let herself go ;D

"Last night, I spent a few hours drilling my wife. This sounds a lot more fun than it actually was, as unfortunately for me, it was practice"

This has to be one of the best first couple lines of a blog post that I've ever read! hahahaha

You rock! Nice article.

Unfortunately I've been unemployable for the past 15 years so kind of hard to relate. But yes interesting and well written.

Keep up the great work!

From Ko Phagnan Thailand,

Dan "World-Travel-Pro"

I am often seen as being a very serious kind of person on chain - I am far less so IRL.

Unfortunately I've been unemployable for the past 15 years so kind of hard to relate.

Why so? You don't have to answer if you don't want of course :)

Well, you certainly hit comedic gold in that first line according to my silly mind. I'm seldom serious. Especially here on the block chain. I love to joke around here it's a lot of fun.

That is a great question. I'm unemployable because I have a terrible attitude and no degree! hahaha

I have not been able to take orders from a boss since waiting tables at Apple Bees. I can't stand authority and being told what to do. So much so I dropped out of State University of New York at age 20 and left the country! lol

It was all a blessing in disguise at the time. It forced me into entrepreneurialism and I haven't had to have a boss ever since, and took a semi early retirement at 25, lucky me! hahaha

But I always wonder what it would be like to be making the big bucks in a high salary position back home in the states. Is the juice worth the squeeze? You let me know, I really have no clue as I chill here beach side in Thailand living on a fraction of what it costs back home. like 700 bucks a month believe it or not. I'm in a new modern house I rent for 250 a months all included. Crazy right?

Anyway my friend. Life is good. A pleasure corresponding with you :)

Because I'm dumb I was thinking oh no did they have a fight and then got to the second sentence and was like oh he wanted our minds to go down the dirty route oops XD So I read it out to J where it had the desired effect XD

I don't remember why we were talking about interviews recently but we were talking about interviews recently and I was saying how back when i was at uni and actually trying to get a job, for every job I applied for I would make the interview stage, and subsequently fail. J said something along the lines of interviews were pretty useless for determining a person's aptitude at the actual job or even if they would mesh well with the team because they were automatically biased towards people who were extroverted, tall and good looking (of which I'm none) and I figure there's something in that as the only jobs I've ever had were ones that I was handed or head hunted for.

So going by that logic your wife should have no problems whatsoever XD

Hope the interview goes well and she's able to find out in that stage whether the job is going to be a good fit or not :)

It is funny how quickly people's minds go to the gutter - A "Drill Sergeant" must get a lot of offers.

for every job I applied for I would make the interview stage, and subsequently fail.

This is something I have no experience with, after my very first interview when 15. If I get an interview, I get offered the job. Considering how little practical skill I have, I think that is impressive! :D

and I figure there's something in that as the only jobs I've ever had were ones that I was handed or head hunted for.

I think that this is generally a better way to get employed. I like the "web of trust" in employing people too, where workers recommend potential new workers. It gives some accountability on many levels.

I worry that she wants it so much, she will overlook the flaws. Though, this worked out well for me when we first met :D

You're infinitely better at talking to people than I am XD

my type of adhd also means I tend to answer questions that I get asked and don't always realise that sometimes people don't know how to ask the questions they need to ask or that I'm supposed to give a different answer

Everyone has flaws. Clearly your merits vastly outweighed yours ;D

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Last night, I spent a few hours drilling my wife.

Sheesh mate! only for that sentence, this post would have to be clearly classified as NSFW!! :D

Ok, now let me read the rest of the post... :p

Previewbait

Lol, clickbait first sentence!!

Its a great thing to realise that fitting in somewhere is a huge part of the consideration when going for and getting a role in some place. Hope she carries on doing well!

Lol, clickbait first sentence!!

It is the only way I can evoke a comment from you ;D

She will be fine and she is fully employed now, so not that desperate - although I think she wouldn't mind a change to something a bit more personal. she works for a very large company now and it is hard to find a community, especially after a year remote.

Hahaha, bit of naughty makes a comment almost guaranteed! :OD

Ironically it is the best and most relaxed time to go for another job when you are fully employed.

It must be hard to start somewhere when it is remote without that ability to connect. I know there are people in my place that are literally blundering around without a clue about anything that goes on apart from their own very tiny niche as they just get so little exposure as they are not in and around it.

It must be hard to start somewhere when it is remote without that ability to connect.

We are lucky in Finland that it hasn't been "too crazy" with lockdowns.
This job would actually want her to spend a few days a week there. It is a very different kind of company product, but similar to the one I work for in mindset. There is even a bit of employee and product overlap. This means that they are quite good at focusing o their people in a startup kind of way.

Being upfront from the get go is the best thing. In relationships, in job interviews, in everything. I think that losing yourself in order to gain something else will always put you at a loss. So having the maturity to be yourself can really help you a lot. I guess this comes with age and experience because when we are very young we want to impress. As times passes by, we can easily realize that can't deceive others and we can't deceive ourselves
I hope that your wife will succeed and get the job she desires. I wish her good luck!
!ENGAGE 20

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These are such relevant important points and if used the correct way as you say can build a empire more people should think and work this way. A great read thanks for simplifying and not using all those words that you need to bring a dictionary out.