We were walking back from the beach on our final night and the girls were a little ahead of me, as I was snapping a few random images as we walked. For some reason I turned around from the way we had came, just in time to see a guy miss his footing on the kerb and unceremoniously faceplant straight into the pavement. Like most people in this weather, he was wearing sunglasses.
It wasn't pretty.
I helped him up and had a look at his head, which had a couple of deep gashes - the kind that take a moment or two to start bleeding. He and his wife were looking at his skinned knee, while I knew the blood was coming above his eye. By this point, my wife and daughter arrived just in time to see the arrival, and a passerby handed me some alcohol sanitizer swabs.
All the time, the poor guy's wife was constantly chattering and saying,
"How'd you do that, love?"
"He doesn't normally fall over."
"I'm wearing higher-heeled shoes and I didn't fall."
"He normally walks so well."
I am not sure if she was in shock or just oblivious to the situation, but I asked where they were staying and had to tell them several times that they needed to have it taken care of, as the cuts were quite deep. During this time, Smallsteps was crying and scared, as she has never seen that much blood before, especially on someone's face.
We spent about ten minutes with them until they were steady enough to make the walk back to the hotel (the same as we were in and only a few hundred meters away) and get some proper assistance.
However, as we continued on our walk, Smallsteps who when scared, looks for clarity, asked why we needed to stay and help, and my wife said that if someone needs help, we help. But then, I added, as long as you aren't going to put yourself at too much risk or danger too.
How do you know what is too dangerous?
It is always easier to give a relevant example, so I used seeing someone drown to illustrate, where I said that if you saw someone drowning, but can't swim well yourself, if you jump in to help, there will then be two people drowning and in need of help. Best intentions need to be cross-referenced with ability. Not everybody is equipped to directly help in every way, so even if one wants to, it can be better not to, or find other ways, like calling for help.
I am someone who stops to help push a broken down car, my wife is someone who will buy a bottle of water and a dish to give to a seagull who looks thirsty, so I am guessing Smallsteps is going to follow somewhat in our footsteps. However, there is also the need to evaluate the situation (quickly at times) and make a decision, weighing up circumstances, potential risks and costs.
Being ten minutes late and a little dirty to an appointment due to pushing a car in winter slush is acceptable (to me).
Getting in the middle of a fight between two unknown, adult men is not. They can sort that shit out themselves.
Stopping a man beating on a woman, is acceptable to me. But, if I am walking with my daughter, it isn't acceptable, but will find help.
Often though, we don't really know what we are going to do in the situation, until we are actually amid it, because when things happen, our instincts kick in and we react. If we aren't practiced in taking stock and evaluating first, our default reactions are going to take the fore, and they aren't likely to be honed to perform well, often resulting in freezing out of fear or, inability to make a decision on how to act.
If I was there, I would have...
Oh, really?
We hear it all the time, especially when the person saying it unlikely has the right skills to "be there", like when commenting on a professional sports athlete's actions. It is similar in difficult situations though, isn't it? Most people can imagine how they would act, but don't consider if they could act if the need arose. We can visualize ourselves as the hero, but in our imagination, the weight of reality has no gravity. We can move more smoothly. We can lift more, people react exactly how we imagine they will.
We don't consider that the person drowning is in a panic and will flail and fight us, severely impacting our ability to help them, while they cling to us and stop our ability to help ourselves either.
We might want to help, but unless we have a pretty good idea as to whether we can, we might end up doing more harm than good, making the situation potentially far worse for all involved. A good Samaritan, or a foolish hindrance depends on the outcome of events. Of course, if there is no other option, it is better to try and do something and fail, than fail by doing nothing at all.
While I do think that most people would like to help others, I also believe that our social culture of disconnection often gets in the way, as does our lack of experience. I think that practice doesn't come from the bigger events, it is a series of steps, and the more we take direct interaction with others out of life experience, the less we build up the skills to deal when shit actually hits the fan.
It is like anything of value, or any skill, it is a series of small steps that lead on to something greater. If we don't start getting curious, asking questions and seeking clarity, we will continually be scared of the world around us and anything that makes us feel uncomfortable - which is anything we don't understand, or situations we have no experience with.
Small steps is all we have to take, to change ourselves and the world.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
Shock is weird, people react weirdly when in it. I've seen some that just keep on repeating the same words over and over until you realize they're in shock, it's kind of more scary than certain situations at times, lol.
Yep - it can be strange to see. Though in this case, I think she was just a bit of a low-IQ contender. The next day at the pool, my wife was talking to her and she kept saying the same things :D
🤣
I have experienced the phase of being shut off and that agoraphobia has made me less explore world. But with that I have fought with enough efforts and now the life is moving towards some real value as well. I suppose not all people go through this the same way.
Different conditions have different affects on people, making it hard to compare even the same circumstances. Look at something simple like the temperature - it is what it is - but while one can feel cold, another can feel too warm.
In the heat of the moment it is sometimes hard to think about what might be the safe choice to make. My son was sitting on the balcony and watched a car drive up and shoot a man who was walking down the sidewalk in front of his condo. My son could see blood pooling under the man and grabbed a towel and raced out while others called the police. He was still putting pressure on the gunshot wound when the man died. I asked if it ever occurred to him to wonder where the shooter was at and if he was in any danger himself. He said his only thought was that the man knew that he had not died alone and that someone cared.
That is a crazy story. I haven't been in anything quite like that, but I have seen people put themselves into dangerous situations for others, without thought. I would hope, that if someone I cared for was in trouble, someone would care enough to be there for them if they can.
As a mother, you might not want your son to put himself in danger, but also be glad he did. At least, since he is okay after.
As a mother I was horrified that he had that terrible experience, but I could not have been more proud of him.
Being a Good Samaritan or a hindrance?
Good point, my friend. Sure, I think most have the natural inclination to help others in misfortune. Unfortunately, in the civilizing process, it seems that prejudices and selfishness have undermined solidarity and collaboration with others. How far can we help without compromising ourselves? Especially when there are potential legal or incriminating consequences for suspicions.
Obviously, you hit the nail on the head. It all depends on your real capabilities.
You have reminded me of a recent event I witnessed on the road: at the entrance to a bridge, my daughter and I saw an individual fall off a motorcycle, a delivery man, and another man get off an SUV and run towards him. I stopped the vehicle, thinking I was going to help him, but to my surprise, the man started kicking and punching him for a few moments. My first reaction was to speed up and avoid him, but my daughter told me no, remembering my recently injured and still sore knee. The assailant returned to the SUV and so I advanced until I saw the motorized delivery man standing there with his face bloodied from the blows, but conscious, probably, the assailant had broken his nose.
We looked at each other for a few moments, and then I asked myself internally, "What did the delivery man do to make a normal-looking person lose his temper and act like a savage? I don't know, but I sense that it was either an exchange of words or a reckless action.
Anyway, I think both men had a lot to think about after the fact. What would you have done?
For me, at the time, my daughter was a sensible voice. I, too, reflected a lot on the event, hypothesizing about what I saw for and against. And as you rightly say, it is preferable not to intervene in fights in the street (without being clear about the situation).
Greetings.
This is one of the issues. Another is, how some people feign need to take advantage. Like in some carjacking and robberies.
Called the police. But, perhaps stayed to watch for a bit. I saw footage the other day of a person who was cut off, ram the other car, flipping his own. When the person got out out to see if the attacker was okay, the attacker pulled a knife and chased him.
This is the world now...
Stopping to help also comforts the person a little with the knowledge that their suffering matters to somebody in the world.
Yep. Just think how they feel if no one helps.
Are you home now?
I think our minds have been deliberately tethered to devices, filling us with fear of most things outside of ourselves, and in some case of ourselves, that we simply do not even look up. You're right about curiousity. Many of us no longer exhibit those skills, preferring to be told what to do and think. It's much easier than having to make choices of our own. I often try to envision what I might do in this case or that. Obviously, I would be pretty useless in any kind of physical scuffle, but perhaps I could create a diversion in other instances. I don't think I have ever had to make that decision though.
Yep. Got in at 3 am last night.
Scared to be ourselves, scared to be different from others, scared to be too the same.
I would love to add another example of not helping someone when it is too dangerous. I now have an offline work and I stay with my aunt because my workplace is far from home. My aunt is a nurse.
This evening, some people brought a little child who mistakenly drank an insecticide. Now, my aunt helped them with the first aid and I stylishly advised my sis to ask them to go. That kind of help is too risky. What if the child dies in my aunt's hand? She's practically going to jail.
The mother of the child should know that the best place to go is the hospital
Why will they bring their child here?
This is an interesting situation. I don't think I could turn away from helping a child, no matter the outcome for myself.
It is really a matter of choice to help because not everyone we see today really like to do so but only those who have human feeling and sympathy take steps in helping.
We are becoming more robotic in our responses - doing our job, helping less.
I'm positive that as far as you're not just telling but acting out acts of service towards people, she will follow suit.
One of the things that caught me is the good Samaritan, foolish hindrance statement. I agree that it all depends on the outcome. Helping is good, but with sense and discretion, knowing fully well that if you don't know what you're doing, it would just be a lot better if you didn't help at all.
I have been in a few situations where people with best intentions, have made matters worse. Once was a friend of mine who was arguing with a group of about 30 skinheads that were hassling me, rather than walking away. When I insisted she leave it, she said "why, they aren't going to hit me" - no, they aren't going to hit her....
That's hilarious. I'm guessing she lives in a world of total gentlemen.
That's it. Not everybody would have stayed and helped. I think I may have stayed and helped but I have some sensitivity to blood so I could have been less "natural".
And I think that also for Smallsteps it has been quite an experience and she got a nice answer about helping (without putting ourselves in too much danger)
I wonder if it would be different under various circumstances - are you always sensitive in the same way?
It could probably be different. If someone really dear to me was in the same situation, probably the spirit of "salvation" I was trying to bring them could be somewhat different (and it already had been in the past). So I guess you got a good point here
This has become very much more evident, people judge by the cover of the book, when able to assist why not?
Fear of each other is wedged into society by leaders!
It is so normal these days to err on the side of not helping, when the opposite really should be the norm
Sadly too many where I live fake an incident, then attack unfortunate people who do try to assist, not always, safest to assess before committing oneself.
What you and your wife did is called humanity as long as it does not pose a danger to you as a family.
Smallsteps, is learning to be confident in herself and not to be afraid or anxious.
Children learn very quickly Mr. Taraz and when the learning comes from responsible parents in values and ethics formation, they face future situations in a brave way.
I sometimes fear that she is going to be too soft for the world in which she lives and will suffer because of it.
I am sure, Mr. Taraz, that in her growth process, every moment will be valid for her to experience everything in her own way, well-formed and guided by you, her parents.
For the third case of your, this happened in my country. I am not sure whether he was trying to help her in a good faith; however, seems so.
https://jinhaagency.com/en/actual/10-year-prison-sentence-given-to-kadir-Seker-upheld-33296
Pretty sad isn't it?
Yes, non-engagement seems more reasonable.
I am sure they are thankful to you for helping the guy and spending your valuable time with them until they're okay and headed back to the hotel. Because of this narrative, I remembered helping someone too. It was funny though because after helping her, she asked me, "How's my lipstick? My face? Can I have a mirror?"😂
And I agree, we have to help as long as it doesn't put our lives in too much danger.😉
Thanks for sharing this valuable insights.
Sounds like she had her priorities very clear! :D
I guess so too.😊
At this type of situation, I think firstly we should just try to be calm. Or the circumstances can be very bad.
I agree to you. When some incidents happens to someone, we say I can do much better if I would be there. But in reality we can't.
Very good attitude on your part, accidents happen to even the most careful person, feeling empathy was the best message you teach her daughter the good things we do for others are always returned to us.
It sounds to me like small steps had two great roll models and will grow up to be a caring conscientious rounded grown up willing to help others whenever she can.
The drowning example is a very good one and I am a confident swimmer myself, but if the person I was trying to save was much bigger and stronger than me attempting a rescue could be dangerous. Luckily I've never been placed in a situation where I had to see what I would do in that situation.
Hopefully the guy with the gashes on his head was OK..