When I was younger, expressing myself was really difficult, and this was because of the toxic environment which I grew up in. The society as at that time was insensitive, fellow children in the same age group as you could taunt you for wearing a torn T-shirt or a worn out shoe without feeling any aorta of sympathy or remorse. This stems from the training and different background of upbringing.
You could be jeered at for not being good at football, and made a laughing stock for being afraid of fighting or dueling your mates. I wasn't exactly bursting with good health, and I had family issues. My home was not a fertile ground and the environment outside the home was putrid and distasteful, so because of this, I couldn't confide in either, I grew up, the little boy I was, welling up ideas inside me and carrying injurious pain inside my mind. I learned to have a thick skin the hard way
It's contrasting to know that in the past, I dealt with pain by sucking it in by nowadays I deal with pain by talking about it. So what changed?, Me. The truth is that, no one is an expert at handling pain, different people have different mechanism. I do more of intrapersonal communication than interpersonal. This is because most of what I exactly tell myself is nothing but the truth.
One of the most difficult things in life when facing pain is telling oneself the truth.
It is scary, it an be disgusting as well as shameful. A lot of people live in self-denial because they're fighting so hard to bury their truth, they know that it's inevitable, it might eventually catch up. Nevertheless, one thing I try not to do is to blame people for denying or not accepting their truth which makes up almost every of their being or existence.
We try to counter the truth by listening to external voices. We live in fear and denial of the truth. But comforting oneself with heresy and lies is like putting a band aid to an already infected wound. Meanwhile, taking off the band aid and dealing with the wound no matter how painful is we tend to achieve relief.
At one point in time when I was younger, I tried as much as possible to not be seen in the same light as my immediate nuclear family, but overtime I discovered it is evident in my surname, my gene, my face, culture and origin even in all my attempts to be seen in a different light. Trying to run away from the truth makes one feel good but it's just a short term relief from an inevitable state. This is why we must seek the best form of relief: acceptance, indulgence, cognisance.
Achieving relief is more tougher especially when you're going through pain that is brought about by circumstances beyond your control. Some people do it by coming to terms with their issues and facing them solely. Some others need reassurance from external sources. This can change in the life of a person overtime.
A person, exposed to a toxic environment, toxic people or toxic tendencies are the ones that bottles up things, like I did when I was younger. However growing up, this changed, as a 28-year old I keep a small circle but they're definitely the best people, they have had significant impact to how my life has suddenly changed. They have inspired my confidence and for so many years, they've managed to influence me in almost all ramifications. As a result of this new environment, it's way easier to espress myself.
Overtime, I've discovered that expression is one healthy way of dealing with issues. Especially when you have a platform to do so. This platform can come in form of people, The right people. Nevertheless at one point in time, one steps out of these circle, you're exposed to situation, people who wouldn't even understand when you try to tell them what you're going through.
To a few, life is war and weak and emotional people shouldn't get a chance to compete. Talking to these kind of people in life is inevitable. They can come in form of one's boss, tutor or even a partner. It can Make one reconsider the need to be open minded about their issues. However, finding relief should be proritized. We should learn to appreciate those little moments of peace and strive hard to attain them at every point in time.
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My name is @Josediccus, a young Nigerian entrepreneur who is a Vlogger, A Psychologist, Poet, Sports Writer/Analyst & Personal Finance Coach. I'm using my contents as a process to create shared meaning as well as create expressions through which people on/off hive can relate. I believe content is a process to be enjoyed and relished and I'm up for any collaborations in my field stated above. Cheers
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Acceptance is one of the major ways I moved forward. You're absolutely right about how toxic an environment can be and the coping mechanisms some have. My coping mechanism was to bottle things up but as i grew i discovered that i can still keep the door shut but leave the window open because i don't like talking about me or what it is I'm going through unless it is absolutely necessary. I have always been an introvert even when it doesn't seem like it. And i have just two real friends... (No one believes this though)... My mom and cousin.
People deal differently and as for me, I eventually became better with time, I found out that my environment determined if I should bottle it up or actually talk about it and with time, I found people who I should talk avoid it with. My environment played a key role and like you too, I had and still have few friends.
I was taunted and even beaten up in school while growing up because I acted too perfect and was a teacher's pet and this made me enter a shell.
When I got into University, I was so timid and I couldn't even walk into a crowded space and I always needed reassurance.
Now I have learned to accept certain aspects of myself and I am way better.
In some Nigerian societies, it is often rampant to see these sort of bullying and intimidation, it's good to see that it's getting better with time. I read some of your experiences on your blog and believe me, I could relate 100%. It's also good fo see that, those experiences didn't definite you, despite that it could have.
I think I would try my best to shield my children from the bullying and all that happens here because it does screw with a lot of things mentally and since mental health isn't very important here, that makes it worse.
Yeah, my experiences defined me for so long so I had to choose to not let it anymore.
It might be true for a lot of people but people can change given a chance and I don't like to pry on week do you
Thank you for stopping by
The inevitable is the fact that environment is toxic and it is still as toxic as it was when we were growing up.
I think the difference is in the fact that we are growing up and each of us are learning ways to attend a state of rest of mind despite being in a toxic environment where a whole lot of toxic circumstances are hovering around us.
Life is truly not easy. We can talk about it as a way of healing from its pain. Hopefully, we will all get rest of mind
Yeah, I agree with you that the environment can still be toxic, the people, the conditions necessary for living and so many other aspects. Nevertheless, the changes are evident, we cannot deny or refute it by any means. The exposure we face everyday makes us gather different experiences to relate to these events wholly. It's becoming better on a daily.
Every person that grew up in Nigeria will understand the problem of expressing ones self
Thank you for sharing..
that's not easy to talk about our pain and accept the truth. But I think when we start talking about our pain and being open, the healing start . .
Hi to you,
I would like to offer my interpretation to what you wrote and add my thoughts.
Talking about the toxic atmosphere or this quality of other people sounds as if you don't have one or are above it, where you yourself could be considered as someone who is toxic.
I would say that nobody is free from emotions and weakness. It is quite impossible not to have emotions, I think. I am sceptical of such statements that do not include the self. The moments when emotions threaten to overwhelm one or lead one to make rash statements are indeed those of high emotionality.
Depending on how your environment reacts, you know whether you have made a mistake, intensified or weakened a conflict. If you cultivate the image of an always rational and logical person who has overcome his childhood wounds, I would counter: the memories of certain episodes from human life never stop being triggered. You will again encounter people who trigger an unconscious association that pushes something remembered (pleasant as well as unpleasant).
The social field is not made up of select and few friends with whom you shield yourself together against toxicity. It is always permeable and it is right there, at the border of "others and I" that contact happens, that friction arises.
In my view, relief is always temporary, not a fixed state, not a "wisdom that lasts from now on". In the presence of each experienced moment of encounter with people, it is always decided anew how this encounter will take shape.
In my view, preconceived decisions or predictions are often even a hindrance to remaining flexible and spontaneous. The preconception, the prejudice that I am subject to just like everyone else, is already evident here in my comment. My prejudice relates to how I read your text and where I detect little that is questioning, little that is self-critical.
Personally, I respond to texts whose statements I actually question, which I perceive as hypocritical and where I appear to be critical with my view (I do not mean your text in this regard but a recent episode).
In very few cases, my counterpart does not find this offensive and his reaction ranges from condescending to angry, for example. In this context, I am interested in how I myself react to insults where I show either subliminal or open disagreement with someone.
I would therefore say that the best teachers for me are people I could call "toxic", because they show me what my patience is like, my own maturity (or immaturity), because I can read from it the degree of my annoyance and experienced provocation. Keeping myself away from "such people" leads me to keep myself away from my own learning process by pretending that there are "the right people and the wrong people". Insofar as I only think in these categories, I run the risk of creating an echo chamber for myself, where only confirmation counts, but the challenge to examine myself is perceived as unpleasant by me.
Why?