I can't imagine.
Literally.
well, there is something there, but my ability to visualize context from detail is severely lacking and when I try to search my mind, it is largely blank. Perhaps I have become a master meditator and now I am just naturally Zen.
Clear your mind.
Done!
This causes many problems in my daily life as well as heavily reduces my ability in my work life, as I am unable to develop the mental imagery required to problem solve. I don't know if most people really understand what I am talking about here, but if you can imagine reading a fiction book where the characters and scenes are detailed, but you are unable to clearly visualize what they is described. For me at least, this is something that not only makes it very difficult to understand what is actually going on as I can't build a mental representation of the world, but it also takes away the enjoyment of reading itself.
Which leads into another problem.
Motivation.
For about a month after the stroke, I felt very disconnected from myself. It was like my head was not attached to my body and I was experiencing the world in third person, looking at myself interact, rather than from myself. It was strange and very much dreamlike and to describe it, it is sort of like watching a character in a movie and hearing the soliloquy of the conversation in their head. You know you are part of a private conversation, but you also know that you aren't the character.
This kind of disconnection is still present, but much weaker than it was - but now that I am "back in my own body" so to speak, other experiential issues are more apparent. Now I feel disconnected from the world, because I am unable to imagine context clearly, which might seem a slight issue, but the imagination is very, very important.
For example, if I say, "imagine a dog" - a dog will appear in your minds eye, but it isn't any dog, it is your dog. What I mean is that whatever you imagine and how you imagine it, is absolutely unique to you. It may be a dog you own, one you had as a child, a cartoon dog or whatever - but it is your image. This means that your representation is attached personally to you, investing you into the conversation.
This is very important for many things, but one of the powers of storytelling is being able to involve the audience in the story itself through suggestion. The suggestions get built into images and the told story gets created by the viewer, making the story their own.
This process of creation is why Einstein suggested reading fairytales to children to improve their intelligence, because it forces creativity by engaging the imagination. It is an act of problem solving. Unicorns and dragons needn't exist for the mind's eye to make them a reality, all that needs to happen is the creative mind to get to work.
But, when that creative mind is silent, what is left?
Our ability to imagine what "doesn't exist" is how we are able to describe problems and find solutions. We build mental representations of what we are working on and then move the pieces around in our head to find a combination that works. It doesn't matter if we are painters or architects, cleaners or mathematicians - our ability to problem solve is dictated by our ability to imagine the problem itself.
So, this affects me in two key ways in regards to my ability to work. Firstly, I am unable to describe the problems well enough to visualize them clearly, making problem solving near impossible (unless I already have a strong visual representation embedded). And secondly, because I am unable to make a personal representation of the experiential narrative, I am unable to attach myself to whatever I am working on, lowering my motivation significantly.
This sets up a difficult problem to overcome, as because I am unable and unmotivated to onboard new narratives, I am also unable to add new capital into my knowledge pool to draw upon and compound against the old. This means that over time, my mental yield will greatly diminish, unless I am able to recover enough and fast enough to be able to ramp it back up. I feel like I am living in mental debt, overdrawing on my psychological account continuously, without putting more in the bank, which I technically am, as I have a mental deficit.
It is quite an uncomfortable exercise to spend time understanding this in regards to myself better, because the problem itself makes it is very hard to perform the work and then, I have to face the reality of my limitations, without an imagination to soften the blow or describe a better future. Again, this is all very hard to translate into words that perhaps people can imagine for themselves.
What does seem to help me is writing, as it forces me to perform more slowly. Some people have said that they don't notice a difference in my writing itself (I think there is), but they don't see the process change going on behind the curtain. I was saying to a friend the other day how difficult it is for me to write at the moment and one of the issues is that I am unable to hold the entire post concept in my mind, meaning it is very hard to build flow, and exceptionally hard to make sure I tie up loose ends.
Key things that I want to add get missed, as do parts I introduce and want to complete towards the end. While I free write, it is like it is written piece at a time over the space of months in my head, where as I start the next line, I first have to remember where I left off, as well as rediscover all of the components I have added thus far, so I can get back to them to make a complete, well-rounded article. And then, I have to do it all again for the next line.
But, at least in regards to writing for Hive, I still hold some level of motivation, which is probably because I already have a wealth of capital held in my head, making it easier to attach myself to what I am doing, which is half the problem solved.
I don't know where all of this ends up for me long-term and while people keep saying "it has only been a short time" it doesn't make things any easier to deal with, partly because I can't imagine a time when I can imagine. I don't know what will happen if it doesn't return in time either, but what I can imagine is that if it doesn't, I am going to lose a part of myself that is one of the most valuable parts I owned.
Can you imagine losing your mind?
I can't.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
That loss would be a nightmare for me. I like seeing things whether reading or looking at things, I really like the imagination part of what I see or read. I don't know how to help with that loss, your writing is a good way to slowly heal it, perhaps enlist Smallsteps aid. Children are some of the most imaginative creatures the world has ever known, I know it is getting close to the cold weather season, but maybe a few afternoons looking at clouds with her and asking her what she sees in the clouds then you try to picture it also.
I think of everything you have talked about, this loss is by far the scariest.
Me too. I have actually mentioned it here before a long time ago - it is one of my strongest skills and I lean on my visual skills very heavily for everything I do. It freaks me out to have to face that I might not be able to - at least to the extent I was.
It is funny. We have never done this. I don't know why.
We do engage imagination a lot, which makes her a little weirder than many other kids - but she doesn't seem to mind most of the time :)
I completely agree. It feels like I have lost my soul.
Hi Taraz
While this was hard for me to read because I can sense your frustration and irritation with the loss you are experiencing, but you still write exceptionally well and I think that you must stay the course, fight the demoralization and be kind to yourself by giving you brain some grace to heal.
Seeing as you were talking about reading fairy tales to kids, did you have a favourite story when you were a kid that moved you into that imagined place with ease? Perhaps re-reading one of these would jump start something?
I'm very sorry you are experiencing this, I hope that each day brings a bit more relief and a bit more of yourself back.
Interesting question. Lord of the Rings was probably among the first that made an impact on me as a kid. I read the Hobbit when I was eight :) I wonder what would come back if reading it again? Nice test - thanks! I will find a copy.
Hey Taraz.
A great choice! Totally worth a try :)
Keep your chin up, it's a process but don't lose hope.
I'm so sorry that you are struggling so much. I wonder if looking at images and then trying to picture them in your mind might help?
What pops into your mind if I say "blue"?
This is the weird thing. If I say "imagine an elephant" you are pretty much compelled to imagine it. At the moent, I have to work to visualize what should be an automatic response. I didn't immediately see blue - I had to instigate a process of creation manually. It is time and energy intensive.
That is disturbing... I really hope it comes back soon. How do you deal with writing at all? I'm not sure if I could even make a post if I were in your shoes. Maybe @dreemsteem might have some suggestions for you?
For the writing always unique contents, need to let our mind to be busy reading , viewing and observing . Yes we tired sometimes so we need to get short break for chilling and relaxing.
Otherwise,our creativity never die.
This is what worries me. What if it can?
From what i've read your gift as a writer was not much affected. I am glad that you are taking your health seriously.
Please keep to your medical check ups and rehab religiously. I am sue everything will turn out fine in the end.
Thank you for this touching piece.
I have so many checks it is hard to miss them :D
I sense your thought process is working at good levels, i can relate to some of your experience, i also had a health issue that made me very weak, i relate a lot to the living and experience life in the third person thing, i think writing will keep on helping you despite the extra effort it now requires, i guess working on ways to motivate yourself is a good way to go now, if you can imagine some
Cheer and all the best
lols yeah - that is the catch-22 issue. :)
Hope you are feeling better.
Could not help myself from being a smart ass :D Im ok now for some time only trying to catch up what i lost work and financial wise, those parts for hit really bad...
It's as they say, imagination is more important than knowledge
I cannot imagine what it feels like to not be able to create and hold images using your imaginations
Why does yours fail you?
Is it some medical issues?
About your writing, I am one of Those people who will affirm that it hasn't changed much
But since you are the one who has to battle with building and connecting the lines for a better writing, you are the one who truly understands how much has changed.
I had a stroke caused by a carotid artery dissection a couple months ago. Seems it broke part of my brain required for imagination.
Oh, I am sorry about this
Is recovery possible? Or you have to deal with this for the rest of your life? (I really hope not)
It will affect me in some way always, but supposedly I should recover okay - it just takes time and a lot of work to rehab.
I pray that you will get well soon, sir
I pray that you will always find the motivation to keep pushing no matter what happens
Could it be because of your dealing with some more things at the same time?
You write at least two posts on several subjects in a day, and mostly long context. I know it is not easy to organize such posts.
No, it isn't because of that. I was quite comfortable writing 5+ posts a day earlier, I just chose not to in recent years as I get voted quite highly. I have to heavily limit the amount I post.
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STOPCheck out the last post from @hivebuzz:
If the exercise of writing in hive works for you as a therapy, then go ahead with that motivation, but the process is slow and you must be very patient. The fear of the unknown or what may happen is normal, try to relax. I suggest that, when your free time and small steps coincide, enjoy playing with her, play games where you have to use your imagination, that will help a little.
i really hope you get well.
I strongly recommend that you should meditate