I was in yet another work video call.
For a change this one had quite a small number of participants, there were only three of us.
It was still three too many for my liking though.
I gazed at the camera on my laptop and tried not to blink.
As I hadn't spoken for some minutes. I hoped by not blinking the others on the call would assume I was dead or masturbating and leave me alone.
It looked to be working.
Perhaps, I should make a giant Boom puppet from minced beef and sit it in my chair for these kinds of meetings?
That might pass the time.
God, I was bored.
I contemplated faking a connection failure, yes, fuck it. Why not? Trying not to giggle, I reached for my mouse. (not a euphemism... well, not this time)
But then I heard something. Something that made my hand stop dead.
A collection of words dressed up as a sentence that made my back snarler clench up tight.
You were in a dream I had last night, by the way...
I looked up to see who had uttered such a terrible thing.
It was Tinfoil. A Business Analyst who looked like a squirrel with sore tits.
Oh. Really?
Answering him was Waaahrk, a roundish Project Manager who looked a bit like one of those big plump maggots you see getting pulled out of someone's skin on YouTube.
Yeah, really...
Tinfoil attempted to look coy which actually made him look as if he had eaten too much peanut butter.
I looked on with some anticipation.
This was crossing a line surely? Flirting on a video call?
I mean there is a time and a place for everything. I might have done some things on a call I might not be entirely proud of but I at least switch the camera off.
And the sound.
I tuned back in. Waaahrk was opening her mouth. Surely this was the bit where she would give him what for and tell him to behave himself?
What kind of dream, I hope it was clean?
She reared back in her chair and brayed loudly like a Mauritian donkey.
I stared, aghast.
Tinfoil smirked.
Well, it's probably not really the place to say...
His voice oozed out lecherously, like watery tar from a drowned smoker's lungs.
Oh, cheeky!
Waaahrk grimaced madly and started patting the side of her neck with one hand as if it were the side of a big dog.
I realised I still hadn't blinked and it had been ages. My eyes felt all jaggy and sore.
Did they even know I was still here? Were they going to get it on, bumping nadgers style in front of me?
Would I be expected to join in?
Eeewww. No. This had to stop.
Guys, can we keep on track? Bit of focus please?
I tried to sound all cool as if people verbally masturbated in front of me all the time.
Oh, urm, sorry?
Waaahrk looked abashed.
Tinfoil looked contemptuous and winked.
Don't worry, he's just jealous.
He laughed the kind of laugh that Robin Hood probably laughed when he was pulling the gold rings from the fingers of a fat Earl.
My mouth fell open. Jealous? Of him and his filthy fingered flirting? Flirting with the Waaahrk?? Didn't anyone else see the resemblance to a maggot, albeit one shrouded in yards of black polyester?
I readied myself to throw an insult so huge in its majesty that his screen would probably catch fire. An insult about him and his tastes that would send him scurrying back to collecting nuts in the nearby woods with his bushy-tailed brethren.
Then I noticed Waaahrk's face, all worried and uncertain.
Inwardly, I rolled my eyes before throwing her one of my patented handsome yet suitably cheeky smiles.
Yeah, he's right. I'm just jealous.
Grim. Thanks for the meeting reminder, they are so bad at present as nothing is being done and the same shite is spoken about every week. No flirting at all, booo.
I have meetings throughout the day and week where the same shit is talked and nothing is moving. I swear, it's like one of those crap Spanish soaps where you can miss it for a month and coke back and nothing has happened!
Perhaps some Spanish coke would liven these meetings up?!!?
Why aye man, that worked be my kind of meeting!!! Hurrah for the Spanish coke!!! 😀😀
I thought so! As opposed to Spanish cock which would not be as entertaining :O
Might even be a bit painful, isn't it true that they all have a hook at the end of their himjimminies and when they pull it out all your guts come flying out with it?
#espanolcockatage
Yikes! Fortunately I wouldn't know, but I can ask around!
Hahhahaha. Another good strategy of getting out of sticky (hmmm) situations. Connections issue. From thumb theory to connection losses.... A collectible of witty get aways. That beer is doing wonders on your creativity. Will take notes. A good excuse to get out from something awckward is a treasure 😂
Haha, but what came first... The creativity or the beer!!!
It is always handy to have a number of meeting get out strategies ;0)
Oh yes it is😅 The creativity which made some dude do beer and spread the delicious vitamin infused water all over the globe🌐
It's the only reason I drink it, for those damn vitamins!!! ;0)
I knew it 😅
Well, it's nice to know you're a decent fellow. I might of joined in... just for how avant-garde it might of felt, not that I'm a pervert or anything 🤣
I have my decent moments!! They are in the minority though :0D
Sounds more like a "cock down" then a lock down meeting... jeez 🙄
Hahahaha! That is exactly what it was like!!
Haha and I guess with you there as well being the third wheel, it could be confused as a "cock-block-lock down" meeting 😃
Cock block bring a sock lockdown!! 🤣🤣
Ahahahahaha!! 🤣
Ah! As luck would have it I can no longer duck these meetings as they are getting me a webcam. Did I tell you that I am allergic to meetings.
A lot of fiff-faff and nothing gets done.
I like the way that you described those characters and pray that I will never have to meet with you on webcam lol.
I think meeting me on webcam would be fine as long as you kept your knackers covered :0D
No luck on the meetings, they truly are awful and a waste of time!!
Stopped attending them to much acclaim a long time ago.
Most attended just for the eats and nothing was ever done afterwards.
Winter here and no knackers on show as they all have tortoise tendencies in the cold lol.
You should see it here. If they have tortoise tendencies your way them ours pop out about twice a year!! :0F
Hahaha, no comment or maybe only condolences :)
Have a great weekend my friend!
And you too mate, mine is of to a flying start. Feel asleep pouring my daughter to bed, whole night gone, yeek!!
Wow! That is certainly a flying start.
Hopefully the aliens visited during your slumber and they left you something to pacify you a bit :)
Hehe, I try to get her involved and they way no excuses are required ;0)
Shame on you, leading her down the garden path!!!
They make you use WebCam's? It's optional at my place and only a couple do. I don't know what the rest of 'em look like having worked from home ALL this gig!
Yeah, it's meant to foster closer working is we can see each other. I think they actually just want to make sure we ain't showing about eating lobster and drinking beer whilst naked.
My ears are all funny from wearing a headset so much, sob!
It sounds terrible, too many meetings, and no work gets done.
I have been complaining of the very same thing but for some they love it because meetings are all they bloody do
LOL, they are a pet hate of mine.
Same here. I dream of a job in which there are none. None at all. Might be in the wrong game for that though
To read your content make me smile every time and it's a good thing, believe me! ^_^ Your way to tell us your "adventures" it's fantastic and it's always a good exercise for my English (another good thing! :P ).
I like to offer an English workout when I write!! Hehe, cheers lass, I appreciate it!!
I can just imagine how many times you've had those wild XXX wet dreams with the good sexy Waaahrk. };)
She is my angel!! I dream of being wrapped in her polyester curves!!!;0D
Well jeez these meetings are sooooooooo boring and no point, one can just as well make it more interesting haha
Your might have a point. I might have to get the flirty stock out and do some poking!!! :0D
Hmmm yes and please let us know how that goes when the good lady catches you haha
Yeah, see how many degrees of dead I can be!!!
Hello dear friend @meesterboom good day.
It is incredible that you could contain yourself in such a situation, luckily the good side came out to flourish.
I learn a lot when visiting your post, for some boring meeting I will pretend that the connection is gone, that is a very good strategy.
Have a great day dear friend
It's one of those useful little tricks that can make it break a day!
Cheers @jlufer!!!
This morning, IT pushed a WebEx update. It upgraded a bunch of things ... but one thing was, it set the default to "Camera On". One of my colleagues was on one of the first calls around 7:30AM. Apparently, she was wearing PJ's and a shawl, no makeup, hadn't brushed her hair.
I wonder how many of my colleagues took screen captures. First of her ensemble .... then of the look of terror on her face when she realized why everyone was smirking.
Haha, that's awful.
I am totally old school. I have a little piece of tape over my camera which I take off for calls just in case of such a thing!!!
I thought it was hilarious!!!
I haven't had a laptop with a built in camera yet ... It's getting harder and harder to find them without the camera. Soon, I'll have to buy one with a camera and disable it. (I even use a Mac Mini that also doesn't have a built in camera.)
If you get one just remember that little bit of black electrical tape. I have finally found a use for it!
I got those stick on sliding door thingies. You get them at all office jobs no?
I've never even heard of the like!!
Oh!! Hahahaha!! I just slid mine over!! I never even knew that was there!! Lol, I'm a fucking idiot! Cheers!!
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That was unusually sweet of you, are you feeling all right? Lockdown fever? ;D
Maybe it was a ploy to see if you were actually frozen or just staring blankly at your camera XD
I feel blessed to have not had one conference call since the dawn of COVID-19.
You are a lucky lucky man!!