When you’re clinging for dear life they always say “don’t look down”, but this time ‘they’ weren’t there. I looked down.
Finding the Christmas Spirit
It was that joyous time of the year when all of the clients that I normally painted for in those days suddenly shifted their attention to poinsettias and wreaths, festive lights and decorations for their homes, and once again it was time for families to be thinking of scented candles and elaborate banquets instead of thinking about sad things like me and my little house-painting business.
Bells and familiar songs were in the air, and everywhere were the tired smiles of the holidays, all grimly pried open once again for the happy season. Even while plastered with that smile, I wondered what I was going to do to survive another one of these brutal yule tides without a bit of money coming in.
Competing With the Big Elf for Holiday Money
It was often during times like these that I would start thinking of ways to cash in on Christmas like Santa did. The competition was always tough; Santa owned the biggest holiday racket, and Santa was still the biggest game in town. They said that there was always help needed in the toyshops, but with no desire to work in such a cold, soul-crushing toy factory, I would have to invent my own reindeer games if I wanted to eat during these wintry weeks of the holiday season.
I was annually thinking of a better toy or gift, or imagining a faster sleigh with which to deliver my contraband, cooler than that red-nosed contraption that old Santa farts around in every year, bringing cheer and so on. The jolly bastard was beating me with his childish routine every year though, and he didn’t even exist. Twas amazing how easily such a cherished fantasy as Santa made life damned hard for the non-believers like myself.
It was indeed during troubling times like these that I would occasionally get brilliant ideas for ways to make money, and I had an idea one cool December day that seemed like the answer to my annual elf problem: I would become a door-to-door mistletoe salesman.
My Uncommonly Good Idea
This was how I would spread cheer, love, and holiday spirit while raking in loads of cash, showing Santa how it’s done: I would go into the wilderness and collect free mistletoe from the boughs of trees. I would then package individual clumps of the green leaves in baggies, stapled with an attractive bit of my own hand-drawn holiday art cheaply printed onto a nice label, whereupon I would then go to the best-decorated neighborhoods in town, park the truck, and then walk around selling this mistletoe to these believers in magic-- these enchanted, elf-smitten masses-- right at their front doors, for $5 each.
The first thing would be to collect my mistletoe from the forest, and I believed that I had the perfect tool; the Crosman Power Master 760 pump-action pellet rifle.
The Crosman Power Master 760
Is there really anything else to say about the 760 Power Master? Nothing says Christmas like a good, powerful BB gun, and sure; you could put someone’s eye out with this thing, but it seemed like you could also bring down a clump of mistletoe from a treetop with the right aim and intent.
I had no pellets handy but I had hundreds of BBs, so I threw the rifle in the passenger seat, hopped into the truck and headed out into the depths of the Quachita Forest until I found a remote hiking trail, the path that would hopefully lead to my mistletoe tree.
If I was unable to pluck the mistletoe by reaching from the ground, I would simply shoot them down from the canopy and then gather my cash crop from the forest floor, the generous giving tree nodding with approval in the December wind.
Shooting Up the Giving Tree
Along the trail I soon found a plump cluster of fine commercial-grade mistletoe in the branches above. It wasn’t a good climbing tree-- with no branches to cling to on the way up, so I pumped up the Crosman and took aim. It looked like one good shot would bring down the whole clump, and I would be back in town before lunch, truck loaded with inventory, I thought. I exhaled.
I missed and reloaded, missing again. It had been a while since I’d played with this BB gun, it was practically an antique already, and I’ll insist to this day that the sun was directly in my eyes while I was taking aim, but after a dozen more fruitless shots I decided to improve my shooting skills by loading five or six BBs into the chamber at once.
That technique only brought down the tiniest bit of the end of a piece from the high-grade mistletoe plant above. This pitiful shredded leaf was not the kind of thing that would sell in the neighborhoods where I was going, and I set the gun down.
Missing the Mistletoe
The Power Master 760 pump. I didn’t need power, I needed accuracy, and looking back up into the canopy, I could see that the clump of mistletoe wasn’t really very high in the tree-- how I could have missed it was a mystery. The mistletoe that I required was there, it wasn’t far above me at all, really.
It wasn’t a giant tree by any standards, I saw that I could easily wrap my arms around it in the friendliest way, and I stepped back. The clump that I wanted-- the mistletoe that would allow me to finally compete with Santa-- it was right there, waiting for me to come and pluck it.
I didn’t need a rifle for this job, and I didn’t need reindeer magic; I just needed to climb up there and get my mistletoe.
Tree Climbing, Alone in the Forest, For the Complete Idiot
Hugging the tree again, I easily ascended a little by digging my heels into the bark, and above me was the mistletoe, already looking closer. With a bit more hugging and getting to know the tree better, and remembering the greatness of the whole idea, I could see the prize now, and it was near. I hugged the tree tight, took a breath, and began to climb.
Climbing this sort of tree was actually easier than I’d expected, and while scraping my chin a few times trying to look up and spot the mistletoe, I seemed to be making good progress up the tree’s limbless trunk. I stopped for a second to rest, and looked up to see how much more climbing would be needed-- was I even halfway up? I looked down.
Some Thoughts on Life Flashing By
When halfway up a plump tree in the middle of the Quachita Forest looking down at the ground below, some astounding revelations might come to the one who hugs such a tree from such a height as mine on that December day.
It occurred to me that I had left two things on the ground below when I began this climb; one being my Crosman pellet rifle, and the other being my good common sense. Indeed, any logic that I may have possessed had been left back in town, else I wouldn’t have been in the position that I found myself in that day; treed by my own wild impulses and possibly some dark elvin magic, yet another enchantment from the guy in the red suit, no doubt.
I had told no one where I was going that day, and I had driven to the most remote trail in the heart of the hills, far from any curious witnesses, but also far from any help.
Now I was actually clinging for life halfway up a tree, already tired of climbing, and was already high enough to realize, upon seeing the hard forest floor far below, a lot of things:
I couldn’t keep blaming Santa for my moronic choices during the holidays. Sure, he’s an evil elf, but I can make my own choices-- his magic isn’t that strong after all-- he depends on the myth and folklore to be realized by millions of children so that he can even exist, while I simply am. I was battling a phantom, and he was winning again.
Another thing that I realized, as I was clinging there, was that the mistletoe that I was after was probably peppered with holes by now- I must have fired eighty BBs at it from various angles before climbing the tree after it.
I was about to fall.
I lowered myself carefully and finally reached the ground again, gathered my BB gun and the rest of my senses, and drove back to town a little wiser, with no mistletoe, yet I knew that this quest wasn’t nearly over. This was going to be my best Christmas scheme ever.
to be continued in Part 2 of 2, coming up next
Bhahaha! My favourite line:
Had you been imbibing those sample shots you mentioned in your comment on @jedau's post?
I was probably imbibing in some smokeables that day, but I was also desperate-- the elfin magic had gotten to me!
Haha! I'd like to think that he was! :D
"Sure, blame it all on me," cried the sun. "It's not like I do anything else but give you warmth and life or whatever."
Could it be that Santa's magic is working double for you because you believe in him? I mean, sure you believe that he's just a myth, but even so, you still believe* in something--an idea. That in itself could be the root of your conundrum. You are trying to beat a phantom, as you say.
Seasonal jobs are really hard when it's off-season. I'm sure that yours is going to pick back up once the snow washes away all of the paint. Man, I'm really rooting for you as you climb that tree to claim your prize. Never mind common sense. As far as you're concerned it's a fictional as that big ol' jolly elf. Can't wait to read the next part! I already have it on queue.
It's true, I only believe he's a myth, even while they say he's always watching, knows when you've been bad or good, but still doesn't exist. This does sound suspicious now that you mention it. He was probably watching the whole time! I'm just glad this house doesn't have a chimney.
I'm glad I looked down when I did, I may have kept going, and might have become trapped up there, forced to eat the toxic mistletoe that was supposed to be my savior.
Or, with a twist of fate, it would be your savior, and eating it would've brought you the fortune you so rightfully worked hard for!
I like the way you think! I did work hard, and dangerously.
Makes you think of all the possibilities that would've branched out from it. Would you have been Satoshi Nakamoto? Wait, are you Satoshi in the guise of Paulie B??
Whew. I was really worried this was going to be a story about crawling out of the woods with a broken leg.
No injuries, at least not physical ones, on that outing!
I never had heard this types of story, how preparation of Christmas celebration going on there. I also not heard about the fruit of mistletoe. Any way thanks for sharing such a beautiful post. Wish you good luck for Christmas.
The tradition with mistletoe is that during the Christmas season, a bit of mistletoe was hung over a doorway, and was supposed to allow a kiss to anyone below it, but it is actually a poisonous plant, for decoration only. That's probably one reason it's not usually seen for sale anywhere.
Oh I see, but it looks very beautiful. It's a tradition of your place to hang some fruits of mistletoe. Similarly we have also some traditions that we specialy soap keepers hang out some chilly on the door. Thanks, please friend why you didn't come to my post, am I not a good blogger or what? If you don't want to come than ,let me know. I think we have some friendship between us, so I dare to express all these otherwise..... Good luck.
Hahaha, fantastic man. I am eager to read part 2. At least you didn't fall!
Thanks, I hung on thinking how smart I was to just climb up, and then how smart it would have been to not have done it!
OH my goodness, I would have freaked out! Wow, sheesh, what a misadventure. Oof, I'm glad you were safe.
I stayed safe after I was back on the ground! It was indeed a misadventure.
Ah, mischief, I'm thinking I would very much like to go on adventure with Mr.Paul.
Back then I could have used someone to help me keep my senses!
You need a scope that pellet gun! Or use a shotgun with shells loaded for a wide pattern, lol. My niece made good money selling mistletoe in Texas. But she was 6, very cute, and got permission to set up in front of a Walmart and belonged to a big church. Her dad got to chainsaw down a tree with a full season's worth of mistletoe. I think it's an opportunistic business. I do appreciate the struggle of getting through the off-season, when folks are focused on a business not your own. I'm headed over to read the second installment!
I knew there had to be a market for the stuff, I wasn't barking up the wrong tree after all! Someone else will have to take that opportunity- thankfully my venture was inexpensive; BBs were cheap.
Damn that evil elf! But I'm torn between between feeling sad or laughing at that particular predicament you got yourself in ;)
The evil elf was handy for me in this instance; I could make it look like I was enchanted instead of just stupid! I did enjoy roasting that mind-control device called Santa here though, his real enchantment needs to be pointed out-- I failed to do it properly last year (so this is in 2 parts:)
Okay, I have to confess- I did the whole santa thing when my kids were young. I get where you're coming from, but at the same time I have a long and vivid memory, and my memories of believing in santa were a time of magic. The movie The Polar Express captures it perfectly for me. My daughter was a little upset to learn that he wasn't real when the time came, but I asked if she would have rather had that time of excitement when she did believe or have known the truth all along to avoid the disappointment and she decided on the former. My son was more like myself, he realized the truth when he was ready and he wasn't bothered by the deception. I know that it has become super commercialized, but one thing I never did get into was 'keeping up with the joneses'. We've never used credit cards so we never bought more than we could afford to buy. I just...always wanted to believe in magic I suppose.
I did the Santa routine with my daughter, Easter bunny too. I didn't really think about such things as mass-hypnosis much back then, and I probably wanted her to have a chance to be normal at least, regardless of my influence ;)
nice
As in meaning good, or as a sarcastic commentary, the single word punch used frequently in modern linguistic volleys?