Can I Pee on Your Leg?

in Comedy Open Mic4 months ago

Can I Pee on Your Leg?

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Life. My life in the city. I feel like I have to explain it. I don’t know why I get the reactions I do. Where I live, this is “normal” life. I hear a lot about normal this, normal that. Please explain to me what normal is, I still haven’t figured out what normal is. No one has been able to give me a solid explanation of normal.

Okay, so I haven’t always lived where I do, in a stinking city this size. Yes, it literally stinks, for years now. The yellow stained stench hits you hard on hot humid summer days. A double barreled nostril assault out of nowhere, while strolling along pretending you’re living the life of your dreams here, or at least faking it convincingly. Just dress the part. Talk fluff. Smile. Nod. Make appropriate noises. Flash those Ray Bans. Rock all those right logos. Good to go go go.
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Two days, all calm no crazy, no death threats like a couple weeks ago. Stroll to the store. Make purchase. Leave store. On exit, I see a guy out of my peripheral, a blur of lanky beanpole colour flashes. He’s standing half out into the street. I walk by. I hear liquid hitting pavement. A lot of liquid. I turn and look behind me. He’s got his back to me. He’s wearing so many colours it looks like an entire paint shop blew up on him. He’s got double sun hats on, two different colours. Something wet is splashing down on pavement. I turn away quickly and keep walking. Do Not Make Eye Contact. First rule of survival here, no direct eye contact.

Somehow he spotted me. I hear a voice behind me. “Hiiiiiiiiiii gurrrrllllllllll”, it purrs in a sing song lilting come hither tone. It’s the guy I saw out of the corner of my eye. Is he talking to me or the air? Do I care? I walk on ignoring him. The melody behind me continues. I’m barely paying attention. I’m turning the corner onto my street.
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Next thing I hear penetrates loud and clear…..

“Can I pee on your leg? All the girls love it when I do that”, issues forth the hot invitation for a golden shower. Does that mean I get to roll up my pant leg first, get the full therapeutic effect? Do I want to know? I don’t respond and walk on. “Bye now gurllllllll”, he calls out as he prances down the street away from me. I’m thinking, great, he’s gone.

A couple minutes later I’m back at my building. A fellow neighbour is sitting outside. I sit down to join him for a chat. I’m telling him the pee invitation story that just happened. We laugh. Fifteen minutes later I see the Leg Peer on the street across from where we’re sitting. He spots us and comes over.
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Leg Peer found a special red stone he just had to give to my neighbour. He sets it down beside my neighbour, who accepts graciously but doesn’t touch it. “Can I have a cigarette? I only have one left.” Leg Peer asks (classic). My neighbour gives him one. “Can I have a light?” is the next question, among a bunch of rabble gabble noise. His eye is bandaged. Why? Who knows. You don’t want to know. You don’t ask questions like that. You don’t want to encourage anything.

I’ve sat like a silent waiting watchful mountain lion the entire time. I let my neighbour handle it. I’d already had enough. No mention of peeing on anyone’s legs this time. Finally, he says he has to go now. It doesn’t happen fast. It’s slow and reluctant, like ripping your fingernails out with pliers one at a time. FINALLY, he makes it up on the lawn across the grass and down to the sidewalk on the other side. My neighbour and I laugh. He’s lived here from day one. He knows the score, the music of this city.

Last thing I see of Leg Peer, he’s topped a yellow fire hydrant with an orange construction cone. He’s tilting it carefully to just the right angle. I never thought a fire hydrant needed a cone hat. Maybe it’s the colours? Glowing yellow and orange. I nudge my neighbour, point, and say, “Isn’t that cute?” in a voice that says it’s just so adorable, but laced with heavy sarcasm. We both laugh again.
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All photos taken by Nine with a Pentax digital 35mm camera. Please note that photos included here are of another individual unrelated to this story because I did not have my camera with me at the time, much to my great sadness. I'm sure I would have had a willing model.
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Hahaha those pictures got me laughing with curiosity and was expecting to read a joke about some funny looking guy on the street with his dog.

Well, I did read about a funny guy... Who asks such a question? Pee on one's leg? Oh so disgusting!

Do Not Make Eye Contact

Haha thanks for the info 😂 I wanna survive and I think that applies here in my country as well.

Thanks for posting to our community!

Haha, the guy in the photos is a whole other story but I had no direct contact. He did a lot of interesting gestures, so I kept taking photos of him.

Well, I did read about a funny guy... Who asks such a question? Pee on one's leg? Oh so disgusting!

That's a good question, but I didn't want to find out the answer. Big city life = more people = equals free entertainment, just avoid the potential pee streams.

What country are you in? I'd say "Do Not Make Eye Contact" applies in many places, although not where I grew up, so I had to adjust to that here.

Glad you got some laughs and enjoyed the photos, thank you!

I'm in Nigeria, it doesn't apply everywhere but it's like a security conscious stuff that goes on in some places (tagged not safe) 😢

Yeah, I hope you get another funny model next time 😅

I don't think it's exclusive to here. I can only imagine what it's like in Nigeria. I'll see what I can catch next with my camera, I never know what will be on display these days. 🤪

Hahaha we never know really 😅😅

Ah we have so many leg-pee'ers here! Or that sort. The ones that require watching because you just never know what they will do next.

They always want a cigarette too. Or fags as we call them :OD

At least you did get to see one of the traffic cone arrangers at work. Most people think that kind of stuff is done by elves!

Ha! You know exactly what I speak of, LOL! Yes, the watching and always they want a fag, very familiar with that word. A long time ago, met some freshly landed Irish people that I became friends with. I had to tell one of them, such a nice guy, don't be handing out cigs to everyone or you'll always be doing it and have none. He confusedly says, "Don't give out fags to people?" I told him, not at the rate you are. That's the first time I heard that word for cigs, kind of stuck, but I dare not say that here now unless I can pull off the right accent (not).

At least you did get to see one of the traffic cone arrangers at work. Most people think that kind of stuff is done by elves!

Done by elves! LMAO! There are so many bizarre things here that I'd need to carry the camera full time to catch it all. Free entertainment is how I've seen it since the day I moved here. I'm not alone with that thought either.

Tap ah fag aff ye?

Big man, gonnae geez a fag

Such joys I used to hear all the time when I smoked. Lol.

Yeah, if you give them to everyone you will have none left and be out of pocket big time!

Tap ah fag aff ye? Big man, gonnae geez a fag

Ohhh, I love those lines. I wonder if I can get away with asking that question here....hmmmmm. I'll try it out and let you know, albeit in a safe way. Yup, that's how it goes when one smokes. Hide them, you only have one left, so (Canadian) sorry.

The poor Irish guy was so nice, so kind to everyone. I think he felt like he stepped into another universe here. LOL!

No you can't pee on my leg😂😂😂. Making eye contact is the worst, you know once you do, you've opened the door for any conversation

Not even if I say...pretty please with organic brown cane sugar on top and while I'm down there, I'll worship your feet also? 😂

Exactly, as soon as you make eye contact, it opens the door. It's so opposite to how I used to live in a small place that it still stands out to me after all these years.

Glad you got some laughs, thanks for popping by and giving me a chuckle.

pretty please with organic brown cane sugar on top and while I'm down there, I'll worship your feet also? 😂

No thank you, I'm fine

There's nothing I can entice you with? Durn it, durn it, burn it!

In fairness the guy in the photo isn't a leg pee er but he looks like one! 🤣

😂That was the impression I had also, thanks for noting that! I didn't ask to find out though.

That dog is looking at him like he is a leg wetter. You will have one for each leg if you are not carefully!

😂 Poor dog, seems a little held hostage to something. One for each leg, yeah, no one needs that!

Sounds like the kind of guy I attract....😂

LOL! Well, with that statement, it's just a tease, now I'd like to hear one of the stories!

one day I'll tell you the story of the eyelid licker.....

Oh I really need to hear that one! You're such a story tease, lol

Lol...Leg peer needs help...I wonder who lied to him about girls and pee

Maybe he was always so much into pee, he convinced himself that this is what they love? If I see him again, maybe I'll have my camera in tow and can interview him a bit at the same time to see where he got such a notion.

Glad you got some laughs, thanks for checking out my pee post. 😂

Lol...make sure yiu wear a rain coat just incase. He might be willing to make it rain

I just waterproofed my raincoat again, splash hat attachment, next are my pants. Boots already waterproofed, so almost ready to go, LOL!

Lol...nice job...you forgot somthing though.

Eye protection!!!

A man like that can't be expected to "keep it down"

Oh, I forgot to mention I have several pairs of safety glasses...adds safety glasses to ensemble.

A man like that can't be expected to "keep it down"

😂😂😂

Yay! 🤗
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No, you certainly cannot pee on my leg!!...
But you did nevertheless with this tale of the leg peeer..I almost peed my pants in laughter...

I totally enjoyed this one ..❤️

But what if I was your dog and it just happened on your leg?

LOL, glad you enjoyed the tale, thank you!

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I'm sure I would have had a willing model.

LOL! I'm sure I would not have wanted to open your post and see those pictures. Mime guy is just fine.

LOLOL! For further laughs, I saw that same guy on the street yesterday, totally different outfit, not as colourful and he paid no attention to me at all. No more peeing invitations. I'm so heart broken. LOL!

I'm sure all you have to do is ask....

He was looking very confused and disoriented, so I thought the timing wasn't right to ask.