A Roast of a Post

in Comedy Open Miclast year (edited)

My seasonal layoff has arrived, and nobody is safe. I had a good night's sleep, I'm feeling a little saucy, and this sauce is gonna be so hot it'll bite you back!

It's a roast post ladies and gents, and this time, rather than looking inward, I'm looking around the room.

Do I need to do a disclaimer first? Who cares, I like anything that absolves me of responsibility, so you're getting one:


DISCLAIMER!

This will be a tongue-in-cheek (also sometimes called sarcastic) look at some of the quirks I see in the community. I don't mean to offend anyone, so if any of this offends you...

I'm not sorry. It's your problem. Seek therapy.


Was that rather less cordial than you're accustomed to? Back out now, it probably only gets worse from here.

I feel entitled to complain a little bit, now that I understand I am a minority in this community. It took me a while to catch on... all the bright colors and laughter originally made me think that this was a club for gay white people. Now that I've been here enough to actually look at the crowd, it's obvious that all the bright colors are because we're in Nigeria. I should have caught on quicker, since most of the guys were trying to pick up women, but as an American, when I see a well groomed man with his shirt off trying to dance, my first thought is not 'Well that's a straight guy trying to score.' If the room had not been so dark, I'm sure I would have noticed @nelson-george trying to be smooth while staring at the ladies' cleavage. Not that I would have known if it was him, or @didijames, or @diikaan, @writermaximus, or a handful of you other fellas. Did you all collaborate on your look, or is that tight haircut and wispy chin hair a huge coincidence? I'm not saying you all look alike, but you definitely look like you go to the same shop to get your hair cut. @mrenglish stands out with the shaved face, but if nobody has told you sir... you look like a hitman in your profile pic. Seriously dude, if I saw you out somewhere looking like that, I'd be waiting for you to start shooting at James Bond any minute.

I feel caught in the middle. If I sit at the white table with @blanchy and @crsarmy7, people are going to think I'm their drunk mexican waiter. At best, they might think @blanchy was a reporter, @crsarmy7 is the photographer, and I'm the guy carrying their equipment. If I hang out in the Nigerian crowd, people are going to think I'm a country western artist doing an R&B collaboration song. The only place I feel at home is on the stage, where EVERYBODY just sees that I'm better than them!

If I remember correctly, the club opened in Iran. When @amirtheawesome1 first turned on the lights, I don't think he realized that he's the only funny guy in his whole country. I hear that in Iran, like in America, you have to be careful what jokes you tell in front of an audience, or someone might start shooting. In Nigeria, it seems the worst that is likely to happen is someone might start shouting. You won't get booed off the stage, some mean aunty will just give you a tongue lashing, and one or two old folks might swing at you with a cane. Much safer than the UK, where @blanchy is from. Every picture I've ever seen of the UK has at least one person with a bleeding head wound in it. They're probably all angry about the warm beer I hear they serve, but they don't have guns to just shoot each other like Americans, so they hit each other in the head to solve their differences.

There's still plenty to be afraid of in this Nigerian club. I'm talking about you Nigerian women! @princessbusayo, @adedoyin-g, @merit.ahama, @omosefe, I'm looking at you! Not directly of course, I know better than to make direct eye contact. You beautiful gap-toothed lionesses are terrifying in a pack. If that sounded like a pick up line, I assure you it was unintentional... I'm already in a relationship with a woman who is always laughing at me.

The Nigerian community has really helped to grow the Comedy Open Mic community. Through relentless effort, COM has managed to grow from dead last, to third from last in the OCD Community Incubation program. I'd like to take a little credit for that, since I brought in one of the communities that is even smaller than COM. The rest of the credit goes to some Jewelry community. The one I brought in was Homesteading community, and I see a lot of these Nigerian faces (or is it just one of you, with many accounts?!) over there as well.

I don't know how many people are in the country of Nigeria, but there seem to be enough Nigerians on HIve to vote in a pro-Hive government over there. We're all counting on you girls (let's face it, they're more motivated than most of you guys!) to make Nigeria the first country to adopt HBD as the national currency. If you need help organizing press releases for the cause, talk to @blanchy.

I really want to thank @amirtheawesome1, not only for bringing us this lovely community, but for helping the members to hone their comedy skills. Even @royalevidence got me to smile, once, after about 1600 attempts at humor. Practice might not make perfect, but at least it makes you well practiced.

I don't want to say too much about @ayesha-malik, because she seems like the type who might burn my house down for a laugh if I offend her. I do miss her sharp wit and temper around here, though. Her words are a bit more, fearless, than most of us here. In my country, we would say she has bigger balls than all the guys in this room.

I haven't said anything about @diebitch, because I wasn't sure she'd look up from her writing. I imagine she gets to hang out at the moderator's booth, with @lisfabian and @merit.ahama. @corvidae and @deeanndmathews probably get to sit at that table as well, when they bother to drop by.

I know I've left some of you out, including some regulars. Rest assured, it's because I haven't been paying attention to you. Step up your game, and maybe you can get roasted next time.

1000+ words is more than enough for this set. So long, you beautiful losers!

That's a picture of the first flames of a bonfire we had here at the homestead, when I first started clearing the adjacent property.

I hope I didn't burn anybody too bad in this roast post. If I hurt one or more of your feelings, let me know, and I'll apologize as sincerely as I can manage. If none of you complain, I'll take that as encouragement. You've been warned :D

Sort:  

I'm not sorry. It's your problem. Seek therapy.

It's far-too late for therapy. That's why I'm here. Sorry for your loss.

After my third 'therapist' quit the job, I quit the 'therapy'. Now I use the old American remedy of self medication and shouting my opinion.

Thanks for including me here. I'm off to a slow start with engagement, but hope to pick up some steam soon. This helps.

It was a pleasure to include you. It definitely, DEFINITELY wasn't just because you're one of the only white guys in the community :D

Lol. I'm still figuring out where this community is in the world. I was pulled in by a white South African woman, and I had no idea what I was in for.

Always be careful where white women are leading you, no matter what country you're in!

🤣🤣🤣. I love these . I got away lightly.
I was under the impression the boss Amir was Iraqi but tomato tomato. 🤣🤣🤣. They all hate you Americans anyway.
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 last year  

Iraqi. He is. These things happen when a server shows up to a roast in a chef hat.

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 last year  

Yeah right, we only know territory between the Atlantic and Pacific Ocean.

Most of us aren't even that good at that territory, especially south of Texas.

 last year  

No fair, Texas is the big one, everyone knows Texas.

Ouch! Maybe I shoulda left the roasting to this guy!

 last year  

Did you bring your feeling again?

I had one stuck to the bottom of my shoe.

 last year  

Did you crush it?

Oh yeah, might even have left some footprints around the club.

I tried to let everyone off lightly. Testing the waters, so to speak. Maybe next time I'll do a roast special for you... what's your safe word?

BIDDY.

Perfect, it'll be easy to forget.

I just checked on this, and you're right, it was Iraq. Middle Eastern countries all look alike to Americans.

 last year  

Nice. I got my annual Christmas roast-a-brewing. Thanks for not making me feel alone which is like 10 accounts in Nigeria.

I can make you wish you felt more alone, when I do my roast of favorite Hive contributors!

 last year  

Good thing I didn't bring a feeling to the internet today, you would've crushed it.

I'm all about crushing it when I take the stage.

 last year  

Since we're not sugar coating anything, your roast was more like a light seer.

I agree, barely enough to sizzle the meat. Now that this experiment seems to be going well, I'll try turning up the heat for the next barbecue.

@omosefe already warned me in her post not to fall for any pick-up lines from a guy because they are lieessssssss... Maybe yours is one 😅😅😅😅😅😅

I love you admit the fact that we are lionesses and form the pack of great women in the community.

The title got me wondering if I had violated a rule here but it ended up being something I enjoyed reading. I read it twice. COM is indeed a great community 😂😂

Thanks for adding me in the end, I don't need to go for a therapy because I won't be complaining but appreciate you for putting this together 👏👏👏

So glad you enjoyed it! I have to admit, I was more than a little nervous when I hit 'send' on this one. I'd like to see more posts like this in the COMmunity. If we can't poke fun at each other, what are we even doing here?

Hehehe! It's so much fun like this one and I would want to see more of it too in the community. Maybe I might come up with something too some of these days 🧐😁

Hahaha, I look forward to seeing it! Pounce, lioness!

LOL @princessbusayo, I'm glad you're taking my warnings very seriously. I also wondered if I had done something wrong until I read the post🤣. @oldsoulnewb No, I don't feel roasted at all, you need to try harder😂. I loved the fact that you included me. I must be doing something right😁. Thank you!

I was scared too, but it ended up being an amazing post because no one was roasted. Lol

Ahahaha. You don't mean it.
Seriously, I would shoot scarcely on a butterfly.
Well James Bond is a great character anytime, anyway.

I'm sure you're a perfect sweetheart... you just have a menacing profile pic. I know better than to judge people by their profile pics. My own profile pic makes me look like a hillbilly, when in truth I'm more of a comic book nerd!

burn my house down for a laugh

disaster-girl.jpg

Hehe well it's the surprise for me to know about the growth of COM as I was enjoying sitCOM in my real life 😂 where I was the writer and actor ( acting classes in front of a mirror 😆)

Seems like someone has specifically dedicated a paragraph for me hmm here is chocolate for you 🍫 pay me later 🤣

Nice attempt to roast few roasted people who are now blushing after this roasting😊 Amir sir you are awesome 😅 in fact this all community is awesome and what about the author 😒 oh you are awesomest 🤣 don't google this word it's my invention🥳 !LOL !LUV

What do you get after the animal dinner party?
Stuffed animals.

Credit: reddit
@oldsoulnewb, I sent you an $LOLZ on behalf of @ayesha-malik

Are You Ready for some $FUN? Learn about LOLZ's new FUN tribe!
(1/1)

Acting classes in front of a mirror, huh? I was hoping to pioneer with some videos this winter, but maybe I should leave to those who have been practicing!

 last year  

Lol... I'm so sure someone is gonna need a therapist after reading this, I'm not talking about you @royalevidence don't worry 🙇‍♀️

I had to read this and take a deep breath that took about an hour before I reply to it 😂 Okay, I think over exaggerated it but I've read this post long before writing this haha.

So you chose to wake up and shoot everyone of us on the face with our damn truth... No big deal, I need no therapist else I'll be like you whose therapists kept running away 😂

Comedy Open Mic is indeed full of Nigerians, what I'm still researching on is if they are all from one account and if that is true... Damn! That guy is good 🤣

I enjoyed this @oldsoulnewb maybe we should start a challenge like this... Roast and be roasted haha

I love the idea of a roast challenge! Give people some real incentive to sharpen their tongues!

 last year  

Hehe cool
Let's see how it goes with that

I was reading everything and I thought I was going to save myself ha,ha,ha,ha I was pleasantly surprised when I read my name, but now what do I do?

I got all out of control ha,ha,ha when I saw my name @oldsoulnewb

Take care of yourself and keep working to bring smiles, that is a nice gift

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Maaaaaannnn, this was freaking epic!!!

I just woke up and I saw this
Imagine waking up and seeing yourself in a roast

Most people would be annoyed,
I'm honored🤲🏼

I'm honored to have taken up a whopping 2% of your entire roast session (mama I made it!) 😌😌

This is definitely one of the best things I've read on here...
Like will Smith at the Oscars, it slaps!😤

And yes I know that's an old joke, but hey, old jokes for an old man 😏

Thanks for all the kind words! I've been feeling a lot of encouragement, so I get the feeling I'll be doing this again. Next time, I'll see about giving you 3% of the attention!

I really love how the fact that I am from Iraq makes this just as equally accurate and funny. Like @blanchy said tomato tomato we all hate you Americans.

Yeah, I guess I really dodged a bullet there... or was it an IED? I figured as long as I didn't mention Allah or the supreme leader, nobody would be hijacking planes to come here and give me a geography lesson.

Rumour has it Iran has a Fatwa out against @oldsoulnewb for calling an Iraqi an Iranian. Watch your back Bruce Springsteen!

I'm pretty sure I'll be safe, at least until spring. Nobody in the Middle East is ready for NY winter.

Very graphic in the way you have captured what takes place in this comedy, and in a naughty and real way.

I'm glad you... enjoyed(?) it!?

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Came back to this post to check if @royalevidence responded yet. He got the biggest roast. I laughed at his 1293rd post so I don't know what you are trying to imply here @oldsoulnewb 🤣

Like, actually laughed? Out loud? How much had you had to drink?

brandy was a bad choice. 😃

I've spent the last 2 days trying to figure out what to reply on this post, but the Nigeria in me, says you should come out to the street let's fight it out

2 days to come up with that? I can come out to the street to fight, but let me know when you get there, I don't want to be waiting in the street for a week!

Just kidding my friend, it's all in good fun! Someday I'll come apologize with a whole bushel of sweet corn!

😂😂😂

I understand buddy, but that doesn't mean it's over

Haha, single me out for a good roasting!

This was just so funny for me to laugh alone😹 had to invite my sister to read with me as well. Nice one

Thanks for the compliment, I'm happy to be a source of family entertainment!

Ur welcome