Standing tall to falling

in OCD4 months ago

It was a good weekend.
I am not sure how many of these I have left.

While I do think there is still a fair way to go, at some point, Daddy-Daughter coffee will no longer be a thing and I am going to miss it greatly.

Smallsteps and I have so much fun together and as she gets older, we seem to have even more, as what she notices and how she interacts with the world advances. But at some point, there will be "the flippening", when Daddy no longer has enough appeal and she will rather do something else - anything else - than spend time with me.

Once standing tall, I will be relegated into the background, only called upon when there is the need to be driven somewhere, or as a walking, talking (but unlistened to) wallet.

For now though - I will try to savor the moments I have with my little girl - but she is noticing it too.

IMG_20210307_172848 (1).jpg

After getting up at five, I knew that she would be quite tired and since my wife needed some time to take care of some paperwork, I took Smallsteps into the city in the early afternoon, knowing she would have a small nap. When we got to the shopping center carpark I woke her up and she asked,

"Daddy, can you carry me?"

Of course.

But as we were walking and she awoke more fully in my arms, she said how much she is growing and how soon I won't be able to carry her at all.

It is funny. When she was a baby there were times I just wanted to not have to hold her, after carrying her for hours on end. Now, I don't want to let her go and don't want to put her down on the ground.

IMG_20210307_153825 (1).jpg

Don't get me wrong. I want her to grow up and want her to be all she can be. As a highly biased parent, I think she is incredible, but still... it is happening so fast, even faster than I am aging myself. It is like our time lines are losing alignment and I am slowing down, while she is speeding up.

Everyday she forgets to be a baby a little more, forgets to pronounce a word incorrectly or get her grammar wrong. Every day, she gets another thing right and introduces new wrongs - but I know that eventually, she will grow out of the lessons a father can teach and I will become redundant to her practical life, with only sentiment from shared experience to tie us together.

What if the bond isn't strong enough?

IMG_20210307_174340 (1).jpg

I think about this a lot. Do I spend enough time with her, is the time we spend quality, will she remember any of this at all?

It is too early to tell and the future is always uncertain, so there is no way to predict how she will change as she grows and how she will view her early experiences when she looks back. I do hope that she gets the sense that it was happy, that she was looked after and supported and of course, that she was loved.

IMG_20210308_075528 (1).jpg

There are a few years left until my inevitable end as a parent, but I now I will always be her father, regardless of what is to come. There will be times she will want to disown me, to push me away, but in this, she will always be a failure. I will always be there for her until I can not only not stand tall, but not stand at all.

I will be with her past that too, part of her life as she has learned from me, the good and the bad, some of what she loves in herself, and some that she despises. But there it will sit undeniably connecting us forever.


"You are squeezing me too tight, Daddy!"

It's a bear hug. It's meant to be tight.


Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]

Sort:  

As a father of two wonderful daughters, I appreciate this post so much!

I know I cannot make any guarantees and every situation is unique to every individual. But maybe my personal experience could inspire you...?

As mentioned, I am the proud father of two daughters. Both in their 30's now and with their own families.

But to this day, whenever they have major challenges or face important decisions, they will come and discuss them with me. They have a standing joke...they call it C.O.D. (Call on Dad)...lol.

To this day, my wife and I have a very strong and special relationship with both our daughters. From what I read in your post, it will be the same for you!

They have a standing joke...they call it C.O.D. (Call on Dad)...lol.

C.O.D: 4MNY

:D

I am really hoping that way down the track, she will be able to read these posts and relate them to her childhood fondly.

And yeah, I am inspired by other's experience and world views too. The best thing about the internet is being able to connect with people and share life.

Thank you for your engagement on this post, you have recieved ENGAGE tokens.

Thank you for the tokens. I appreciate it!

Do I spend enough time with her, is the time we spend quality, will she remember any of this at all?

Every good parent wonders this. I can honestly say that it is not the exact things that are remembered (although some are) but, rather the feelings you left behind. It is the feeling safe, loved secure, and love and loved and loved.

I was just asking people the other day if they remembered to hug their child today. All the life lessons will help her develop into the person she will be, but, it is the love that she will remember best. You are the best dad!

It is the feeling safe, loved secure, and love and loved and loved.

I think that this is important and I think she feels like she can come to us when she needs, but comfortable enough not to have to ask for everything.

I don't think I am the greatest dad - but I am far from the worst :)

Let's ask Smallsteps. ;) That is what I was talking about.

Thank you for your engagement on this post, you have recieved ENGAGE tokens.

You never stop being a parent. When they're teenagers you're still the safe space (which is why we always cop the brunt of their shitty behaviour while they're perfect angels for everyone else) and how you deal with their nonsense will still have an impact on how they turn out as adults. You'll be the one she's going to when there's teenage friend group dramas and to double check the sage dating advice their friends give her (maybe, she might also prefer wifey for this sort of thing XD).

Won't stop when she's an adult, if she has kids you'll probably need to babysit (if you happen to be in the same area, perhaps travel bug will attack any/all of you again), she'll be asking for advice about various ages and stages as by then she'll be able to look a fair way forward and back and know that you've likely been there done that with her, there will be first cars and possibly a first house if she's able/wants to move out, advice on how to deal with some of the adulty things that we usually encounter in life but never comes up as a lesson beforehand because we don't really think about these things at the time.

Only difference is by that stage you'll get to be her friend as well :)

I don't mind being the safe space - though I am not sure I actually want to be.

and to double check the sage dating advice their friends give her (maybe, she might also prefer wifey for this sort of thing XD).

If you really want to know - ask a professional. I am batting above my average ;D

Won't stop when she's an adult, if she has kids you'll probably need to babysit

This is something I am looking forward to!

(if you happen to be in the same area, perhaps travel bug will attack any/all of you again)

I am a third generation migrant - I have a feeling she'll be the fourth.

Only difference is by that stage you'll get to be her friend as well :)

If she isn't annoying.... ;D

Being the safe space is hard thankless work (unless they realise it at some distant future down the line and thank you then).

You must have done something right XP

After it gets worse, it can get better. Like most kids, as my son got older he became standoffish, then rebellious. The teen years were really hard. But now in his twenties he’s come to have a renewed appreciation for his dad.

I am definitely not looking forward to the teenage years - I know a couple of her friends as four year olds, and that is bad enough :D

The thoughts of a dad, good ones. I think we all suffer those. Is she your first? I find having two hard. An 8month old and a 4 year old. Trying to divide your time between them.

COVIDS been great, got to spend a whole year together.

First and only.

Covid restrictions have been blessing and curse, depending on perspective. I think it has helped some families be stronger together, some realize they are better off apart.

Enjoy all the moments and cherish them and if they enjoy the time with you from a young age they will always forever be by your side she's a cutie 😇

I am hoping it is like an investment that appreciates with age. I am expecting some downturns along the way :)

Haha ..... to funny well i hope for you not to many downturns 😇

I am sure there will be a few :)

Expected but everything has a solution hopefully 😄

When I met her at the Steem meetup in Tampere a year and a half ago, I noticed that she had a certain quality to her behavior that implies powers of observation and a tendency to withhold conclusions. I tried to amuse her like I find it fun to amuse small children. Her mother generally found what I said funnier than Smallsteps did although my comments weren't obviously over the head of someone her age. (For one thing, I was commenting on the tendency of a certain energetic young man who was part of our group to eat prodigious amounts of food.)

She is very observant and curious. She is quiet around people and I try to get her to interact more with strangers, as it will teach her a lot about people, but it really is small steps. As soon as it is just us - the flood of conversation starts.

That boy can eat.

Yes, the boy can and will eat. :)

When he reaches middle age he's likely going to have begin to watch what and how much he eats. :)

It's a law of life: children must grow up! Smallsteps is growing into a very beautiful and intelligent and surely very independent little girl. Every time you make this kind of post where your feelings, your doubts, as a parent come to the surface, I think you make clear many of the doubts of the parents of the world, who have to exercise this role without manuals and improvising. Your fears and doubts are normal. Feel happy when you see Smallsteps giving his opinion, free, independent, because then you will be sure you have done your job well. You will have to regulate those bear hugs, @tarazkp. hahaha. Regards

Sometimes I think she is lucky as an only child, as she gets poarents that are continually reflecting. Maybe if she had a sibling, we would say "we've done this already".

I myself am the fourth child in the family - There wasn't much left in the parenting tank.

You will have to regulate those bear hugs

Tighter? :D

She looks like a fairy on those steps.
Now listen to this, that father/daughter bond can never be broken, even if you try to break it from your side, as she will never break it.
How do I know and who am I to tell you this.

Well I am a father to two girls, not women, as the one that cried in my ear during their move to the UK last week is 47 years old. The younger one is 44 years old.
But to me and them, they are still my little girls.

So rest assured mate, she is yours for life!

She acts like a little fairy dressed like that too.

I am not scared of losing her, but I will miss being able to carry her around with her head on my shoulder too.

Was it hard for them to get to the UK at this time?

Jaqui tested Covid positive before the flight from here, but her husband and my two grandkids tested negative. She had no symptoms during the 14 day quarantine here, eventually tested negative and they had to spend 14 days in a quarantine hotel in the UK out of their own pocket.
A harrowing time indeed.
They moved into their new home yesterday.

I'll carry her around when I'm there next...She might be 17 and it'll be weird though.

Thanks Covid.

One thing going for us is - she is unlikely to be a giant.

Lol...Yeah, that's true. Maybe I'll bring a cart just in case.