Podcasts became so popular, maybe a listener like me is one of the reasons! Jokes apart...
I'm talking about podcasts because it seems like a topic to talk about. I was listening to an abuse survivor on a podcast. So while she was saying about how she searched for love, acceptance, and approval here and there, finally found it and she went away with her boyfriend. That's a long story of her life, full of sorrow but now she is doing fine.
While listening to her narratives, one thing caught came my notice. I find this thinking pattern similar in people who were abused. Probably because it's a fact.
If we don't find acceptance in our own family, we try to find it outside.
Social acceptance and approval start in the family. We all have the right to feel loved and get support from our immediate family members. No matter if a kid seems completely spoiled, wrong, and a brat; they also need the same. As a parent now I can feel it more. Because when I look back I can see what was wrong with my own brought up.
We as a parent always prioritize how 'we' want to 'build' our child. That's the bitter truth and core of this problem. I know there are kids who are already out of hands. But you know what, they were not like this from the very first day. And not giving them any appearance, love, or support only can make the situation worse; nothing else.
I have seen parents wonder, why their kids are like that. Why do they do multiple affairs, hide things from them, and do the wrong things? I believe it's not tough to figure out what makes them so. Kids search for acceptance and if they don't find it in their own circle; they will definitely look around for it. It's not a choice for them, it's like an automatic force.
Moreover, kids and even teenagers don't have the ability to figure out what they are doing wrong and what needs to be done in the right way. They will always think, they are doing everything correctly.
My son is growing up and will be a teen someday. I always say this to myself, "I need to assure his acceptance, I need to create a secure environment so he can know he is loved and will get support."
Long way to go as a parent, huge to learn...
As you started with Podcast it reminded me of the ones I used to listen to for a long time hosted by Khalid Farhan. Especially the one with Tasnim Jara and another one with Seeam Shahid Noor were my favorite episodes.
Just a few years back, I passed through that stage that you are referring to. Parents prioritize their own dreams and wishes for their children to possess, I don't see much harm in it unless it gets excessive. When the parents get too much strict with their words and wish to impose on their children often does damage, in most cases, they get slipped out of their fingers. As I have passed this stage recently so I can see the results now.
My family was never strict or careless about me, have given me enough instructions and freedom so that I could move as I wished to go keeping them in my mind. Wanna hear a real story? I had a friend who was too good at Biology and he got himself admitted to prepare for Engineering due to his family, at the end he got no seat in any engineering institutes, luckily he had sat for medical admission and secured a seat there, his fortune dragged him where he was interested, maybe if the family had cooperated more then he might have done better than he scored. Have seen people getting spoiled too, just because of the lack of cooperation from their families. We seek no more than a little cooperation to hear our needs and sort things out peacefully as our abilities.
I usually listen to podcasts from the west. Though I have seen some of the episodes of Khalid Farhan. To be honest, we need to learn and develop a lot to talk about "to the point" in podcasts. Most Bangla channels are so casual, I can't make that much time to listen to them. But that's only my opinion, you enjoy yours :)
Good to hear about your experience as a child. That's what we all need.
Talking about 'example'! I'm the prime, probably.
Now I DON'T CARE ANYMORE about what they say. lol
This is how things work, you know. We make our own way.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experience. Have a good day.
Yeap, that's why I just mentioned two of his episodes because they were worth it. Both of the guests had so much to give, not like the other Bengali guests who just talked about some random time-passing stuff.
I will check them. Thanks for letting me know. :)
A writing drenched in a pool of hard truths. Every single word you said there, is relatable. Parents are so busy in building their children the way they want, they so often forget that those children are human beings too. In our culture, most children all the expectations that their parents couldn't fulfill for themselves. If the parents were unable to become doctors or engineers, they expect their children to become one of these. All the while not caring at all about what the child wants. And children die under the weight of those expectations which they never wanted to follow.
Our society sees no difference between Iphone's Siri and young children. Both are dumb, cannot make their own decisions, drive them the way you like. And in turn, a whole generation of walking dead bodies are being brought up, a generation from which their interests, hobbies, passions are soaked out of.
We are not to succeed as human beings nor we can advance our society until we stop producing a bunch of robots who have forgotten how vast the world is, instead of actually bringing up a new generation of humans. As long as children aren't valued of their presence and appreciated at all, they are bound to go astray. Because he who couldn't get the love of his family, can only gain so much of love.
That's the reality of our society. Setting boundaries is necessary but making it hard for our kids is not. I can say, many kids and teens will look back and hate their childhood. This trauma is the prime reason to go in a circle because it's hard to get out of this. Alas, we could understand that.
Not everyone can be a good student, good-looking, or have high social skills; we need to accept them too.
Thanks for adding your words. Have a great day.
A child finds good friends within the family. Expect great love and care from family but exceptions are happening these days.
In some families, parents busy with works and they fall behind in care. They forget to care for the child and just chase money for his bright future. But never thought that this is the time their child needs a good friend, and guardian.
They teach their children to "fly like birds, but they have no desire to return home." Of course parents have the most contribution to give their child a safe place. Over-disciplining and over-loving parents can create a dark path for a child.
I so can relate to your words. I have seen so many in my family too, they have no time to spend with their kids yet they are making good money for the sake of their children.
Thanks for your words :)
Have a good day.
And most importantly Riz aside from the parenting issue, it is a dire yet vast socio-cultural issue as well especiallly in Asian families and to be more precise It's drastic in the Indian subcontinent.
And additionally it is more agonizing that this is something hard to express to anyone. Then you will just be ostracized even more, your self esteem will go down.
We have that ideology of parents being all high and mighty beyond any wrong decisions and mistakes.
Eventually be torn apart in between these circumstances they became like an adaptive haunted soul.
It doesn’t have to even literal abuse!
But just not building a bond while losing the initially built one from childhood is sure scary.
Henceforth they turn out to be a person of " Na ghar ka, na bahar ka(hindi)" which implies
Neither that person belongs to home nor to society!
I had those tags of "good for nothing, vagabond, maastan" sealed to my forehead, for a long, long time, at a very young age too, even though I never did anything wrong or shady. Yes, I was a troublemaker and I still am, not the worst kind though, because some of my friends were straight up lunatics back then, I was nothing compared to them, but still I gladly take that name and blame.
But as I grew up and started communicating more with my parents, all the very strict "barriers" slowly became non-existent; they started trusting me more and slowly understood my likings, wants and needs. After that our relationship has remained intact and has been consistent in terms of making progress as a family.
Sometimes I do blame myself for not opening up and being honest at a younger age, but I guess I was afraid; because no matter what I did, good or bad, the fingers used to be ready to be pointed at me. That is why I chose to stay quiet most of the time, even if I did nothing wrong; I would just shut up and wouldn't even try to defend myself, my thoughts or my ways of thinking.
Our socio-cultural practice doesn't teach us to initiate assertive conversation. And so we never learn how to communicate and express ourselves in a proper way. I guess we all have been there and struggled with this.
As a parent now, I feel like breaking this barrier is the first thing I need to do.
When we are accepted in our homes, we will reflect the same in society.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Have a good day.
Honestly apu.
That's been the point we miss often.
Your kids arw gonna be very lucky one to have you.
Good wishes for you guys
I wouldn't say I'm a good parent though and he will feel lucky. As humans we all have flaws and I know mine. I know, he will find a thousand reasons to complain even if I give my 100%.
But one thing I try to make sure of is, when he looked back he can say, "he had a fun childhood, he can remember how he was loved."
Thanks for your kid words. :)
The problem lies within most of the parents who are just too strict, trying to mold the child into something he/she is not and never will be.
Yes, parents have dreams and expectations, wanting their children to become successful in a certain field or way; of course, they should have dreams, they should also try and pave the path and guide their kids towards success. But the problems starts when the parents start being very, very specific about the path their child should be taking; not giving the kids any options or choices of their own, not asking about their likes and dislikes, not exploring their talents and limits.
Soon enough when the child is under extreme pressure, and is old enough, he/she then heads out in search of acceptance and value, which is something they probably didn't get back at home. That is how I've seen a lot of my friends become detached from their homes and parents; which then leads the parents towards questioning themselves and the route they've taken for their children's upbringing.
That's what I came to realize. Our socio-culture made us believe that it's always the child's fault that he/she chooses to be so. They never see what we are doing wrong as a parent.
There would be differences between boomers and millennials but there must be some basics so we can make our child's life better.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
I think it's changing though, the very strict ways of parenting, neglecting a child's wants and thoughts is slowly becoming a thing of the past, but we still have a long way to go.
These "new gens" are a different breed though, they bring in different types of issues to tackle, issues and ways of thinking that we haven't seen before; yet, I believe most of it can be taken care of and understood by modern parents. Time will tell I guess, but in the end, communication and the understanding of both perspectives will always be the key.
Yes, long way to go. When I sit with other parents in my son's school; I still see the "same picture" that used to be in the 90s. Hard to believe, no? But that's what I found.
Many still think that a good grade will make their kids achieve everything. lol
While they forgot as you said, "communication and the understanding of both perspectives will always be the key."
I wish we could be a little more considerate to our child.
This was and still is the most pathetic thing I've heard and seen. Maybe they don't see all the students/people who hold A+ grades, but still can't find a job for first 2 to 3 years when they quite confidently head out of University.
Development of character and such other traits are much more important to be successful in life. If you you're not confident, if you don't put yourself out there, don't make a mark, a difference; then no matter how many certificates you hold, I say you won't make it that far.
Nowadays the most valuable asset is trust, that's how I see and have experienced it at least. Yes, even though I'm not recruiting anyone for a job, but one day I just might. And as they say...
Yet, I still maintain a group, a productive group related to my work and lifestyle. So, whenever I find a bunch of people whom I can trust with my eyes closed, I try my best maintain a good relationship. Because as they say...
I don't care where they're from, how they look or what grades and certificates they hold, and I know many other people who look at it the same way.
That's the right thought. Because at the end of the day, good grades only matter 10-20% if we talk about specific fields. So developing character and confidence is much more important.
I agree.
Glad that we can agree on it, because that itself is a sign of progress I'd say.
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