You're such a clutz, Emily! You're outta control. This is why I should be in charge!
In all respects, Maxine and I were divergent personalities. She preferred the masculine contraction of her full name. She was bold, aggressive, and domineering. Our strengths shone in different hemispheres - I was the creative one, into Arts and the Humanities, and she was the intellectual, a Maths and Physics fiend... although I preferred to imagine her as calculating and manipulative.
Since our first run-in, I had ruled the hallways of one campus; she had ruled the other. We lived separate lives of dysfunction, each following our own pathway. At times those paths met, rather explosively. Today was one such day.
Exam season was upon us. The prospect of another F in Psychology brought sleepless nights. Personally, I felt my deep questioning and analysis of Freud warranted an A, but who was I to argue with my professors about my obsession with digressing. I was exhausted... and stressed. In that state, I sometimes turn left when I should be turning right. And that is usually when we encounter each other... I take a wrong turn, find myself going down an unknown passage and bang... just when my mental faculties are least prepared to withstand her onslaught... there she is... again!
Max... could we not do this now, please.
I tried staring her down; trying to exude confidence. I tried.
Max sneered at me.
Well look here - if it isn't Miss Perfect asking me for a favour... that will be the day!
...she snipped.
Max, I need to focus. I have a lot going on this evening.
Pleading seldom worked with her - she was rarely in a benevolent mood with me. But I had to try something... anything - I desperately needed to stay grounded and retain my hold.
Listen here, Emily. You crossed over into my territory. You are the one trespassing. It's your transgression... so nope... I think I may just stick around for a bit and see what you have planned. This should be fun!
Her face lit up, then at once contorted. Cackles and jeers echoed through the hallways of my mind as she invaded my space once again and took control of my evening. My surrender was involuntary in the end - I felt impotent to withstand the force of her more dominant character, as I fell under her spell.
Whatever she willed, happened. I was along for the ride, like it or not. Too often I had awoken, a complete wreck from the night before's shenanigans, armpits scented with day-old hard-tack, clothes reeking of stale cigarettes. The irony? I had never touched alcohol or smoked before Max had arrived on the scene. Her influence was palpable.
In the early hours of the morning I dragged myself to the bathroom where I spent an hour throwing up in the toilet bowl. Max had disappeared. I was very much present and in deep trouble. There was no way that I was in any state to write Psych 101. I crawled back into bed; a sorrowful state of affairs. I cursed the day I had laid eyes on Max.
I had tried to escape her so many times but she loitered in the shadows, ready to grab any opportunity to shine. Her presence was a conundrum in this phase of my life.
As I lay there, my thoughts turned existential. Max and I were both distinct persona existing disparately within the contours of my mind. I was only aware of her emergence as she took over... then it was all a blur... a blackout...I gleaned everything I knew from those moments of transition as I grappled for dominance on the virtual wrestling mats of my mind. It was a fight that had been ongoing since I was twelve.
I had blocked out most of that year and the experiences of my life before that. My therapist wanted me to unlock the door to those memories; to stand face-to-face with them and to deal with them. But I knew that would never happen. I had long since thrown away the key and had no desire to go in search of it... ever. But if I could not deal with my past, I knew I had Max to deal with in my present and future.
I wondered if the experience felt the same for Max. Who was the real me? Was I Emily, the first Id, the first Ego of which I was consciously aware? Or was I the more dominant personality, breaking through from time to time - the one that always endured when we went head-to-head? Was I Max?
When I took my last breath at the end of my life, who would prevail? As Emily, I had accepted Christ and been baptised. Would that me enjoy the resurrection? Or would my alter ego be the one to represent me at death's door, and remove all hope of salvation for me?
Max and I were very unlike each other. She was non-committal. In her orb of existence, she lived life on the fence. Science warred with religion. A brilliant mind, she lived on the fringes of both worlds, constantly exploring, learning, and never coming to a definitive conclusion. Instead, she preferred to treat life as the ultimate game of cat and mouse, to be lived to its full... for passion and pleasure to be pursued alongside pain. She pushed every boundary and challenged the commandments of old... She experimented with life constantly: everything from teenage substance abuse to menage-a-trois with partners across the divide.
I had nightmares about it.
How ironic it was that in the quiet hours of the night we would meet intimately in the conversion of short to long-term memory; and that it was then that the intricacies of our separate existences came to light.
The illusion of self constantly ripped me apart. All I could hold onto as I stared into the darkness, was a distant and faint hope, and the one constant in my life; the one thing over which I had no illusions - my faith.
This is my entry to dreem-wotw S1 R5: illusion
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Id , Ego and Superego: What to know about Freud's Theory
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Cool topic!
The interesting question that arises when reading this story is: who is the personality that both Max and Emily have speaking through the third person, the self that analyses and observes them? Is the observer the highest authority of the inner stage?
In my training at the time, we had this module of the inner stage on the syllabus and conducted an experiment by means of an imagined scenario. In it, we imagined a scene in which a decision was to be made regarding an encounter.
We had to become aware of the different voices that would enter our mental stage and try to make the decision. We were also to pay attention to those voices that were more in the background and in fact all participants were able to identify multiple voices and influences and in the end made the decision - if possible - taking into account all of them for the given moment.
The question remains open as to who is ultimately the person of authority, as the personalities here all blur into one another and it is impossible to nail it down absolutely.
What I have learned is that one can eventually let go of analysis and accept one's "own" decision, whatever it turns out to be. Trusting that you did the right thing in that particular place at that particular time. Doubts or regrets about decisions once made are then a renewed attempt to draw attention by means of insecure, aggressive, sad parts, because these remnants of doubt etc. want to be heard. The "indeterminate/determinate" authority gives all parts the space to express themselves and decides again. If it's too determinate it becomes one of the personalities. LOL
It is a bit like running after oneself. Where one is too tense or anxious, one does not catch up, but where one succeeds in surrendering, aggression and peacefulness unite and produce serenity. Until the next play on stage, because it never stops :)
Consciousness is always a curse and a blessing at the same time, isn't it? The person who suffers from this being aware of himself feels divided - as you say "ripped apart" - by the fact that he always seems torn between his individuality and the group dynamic. The phenomenon of the "self" and the "other" creates great confusion about where self ends and other begins. Countless reactions and emotions are conceivable, from the laughing fool to the aggressive oppressor and everything in between.
Homo = Schizo ;-)
I could not make it myself to take part in this contest. Bummer, I was almost done but the finishing touches are still missing. Next time.
Fascinating study! Being aware of all possible viewpoints and giving credence to them - allowing them all a voice and a space to breathe before ultimately taking a consciously informed decision oneself. I think this is what actually plays out beneath the surface of most decisions when people take the time to consider them properly.
As for my story - it was written from the viewpoint of Emily, who is presumed to be the original persona. I purposefully threw in digressive viewpoints (not necessarily aligned with my own)... and there was no intention to equate homosexuality with schizophrenia at all. There is no medical, scientific, or another basis for this. I simply gave one persona certain character traits and the other persona ones that may differ from the original and cause an additional ideological divide. As Nickydee commented (and I am still catching up with replies !LOLZ) ... Max seems like she could be a lot of fun under certain circumstances.
But yes, it must be gut-wrenching to struggle with D.I.D. (aka split personality disorder). Trying to control the narrative at all times and not being in a position to do so must make one feel rather helpless.
Looking forward to reading your post anyway - better late than never - perhaps it can fit with an Ink Well prompt too? And yes!!! Would love to see you in next month's dreem-wotw hehe ... come play with is in Dreemport. We'd love to have you 💗 !LUV !LADY
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I think so too. In my view, though, becoming aware of the "inner stage" is only an approximation of what happens in a matter of seconds, similar to artificially slowing down the rapid processes of particle currents in a physical experiment, because only then can we observe them at all, as if in slow motion. If you then also go over to real time, it is difficult to make a consistent observation and we only see the result of a procedure, not its process.
As soon as the analytical mind uses this slowing down method, i.e. the person examines his decisions by considering different perspectives (voices, personality traits), a situation naturally loses its spontaneous nature and the observer can in turn become the observed, if you know what I mean :) Slowing down, for example, can lead to no longer being able to handle the real situation because the very act of observing is a process that influences the outcome. To the point of distortion.
I would think that most of the situations in which we humans find ourselves every day, we deal with automatically and in the way we have become accustomed to. For me, having a good intuition in this context means being able to break through automatism and habit, for example. Because, for instance, one tries to counteract certain trigger moments, which can be feelings of a very enthusiastic nature or the opposite. For example, the impulse to want to buy/have something you see in a shop (although you don't need it) or to meet a statement with great anger (although the statement itself was not aggressive).
A frequent phenomenon is being too self-aware, it leads to very unpleasant sensations because the person already tries to assess the reactions of his fellow human beings in his mind's eye and is afraid of them, etc. The opposite, not really being aware of oneself at all, but always reacting impulsively, allows little depth.
I think that what is commonly perceived as unpleasant is to be caught in this field of tension. = Too much analysis versus complete self-forgetfulness.
I don't understand. Homosexuality didn't even cross my mind when I read your story. Even if there was some medical, scientific, or another basis for this, I would meet it with doubt. When it comes to people and their characteristics it's in my worldview impossible to treat those qualities like materials and predict the outcomes. The moment you try to pin down human behavior it's going to surprise you or will be met with resistance, LOL
Of course, to give life to your story you needed the very contrast of Emily and Max.
I agree. There is nothing inherently bad or destructive in total to every character, no matter which one, in the same way there is nothing inherently constructive and saintly. It depends on the self and the environment which traits are being triggered, motivated, activated and focused on. They are only ever of temporarily nature, I think.
hi :-) ok maybe I misunderstood one of your comments...on a reread I get that you probably meant homo as in homosapiens lol... I did wonder... I was just trying to clarify...but thank you for clarifying for me... I do sometimes find myself very much aware of observing my life as it plays out. I feel like a fly on the wayll watching myself watch myself and others in conversation... At these moments life feels surreal. I feel at once very conscious and aware and simultaneously detached. This only happens when I find myself in situations that do not feel comfortable to me... for whatever reason... perhaps unfamiliarity, perhaps out of my depth or simply just I don't really want to be there in that moment... then things slow down 100%... and my analytical brain takes over but then my own responses feel more robotic and contrived, less natural and fluid. I feel like I start to see everyone playing out roles themselves... acting if you like. It's all a bit strange... but in some ways feels like I broke through and discovered a secret about life and living... !ALIVE
ahhhahaha! Yes, that is what I meant. "Homo Sapiens". I forgot to place something after the "homo". LOL, sorry for the confusion. I read a book with the title "Homo Schizo", a very provocative piece, if you are interested, I'll forward you the link, you can read it online.
I think you are describing a phenomenon that should be familiar to most people. The strange detached view of oneself and those around you, who seem like actors, all playing a role, yes, I know that too. I can confirm that it feels surreal and that it occurs when one's own skin seems strange. I guess it's called being too much in your head. I'm sure it doesn't happen to you when you're busy, in the flow of work, cooking dinner, putting the kids to bed.
Whenever you're in your element and don't have time to ponder or pause.
It is intrinsic to human beings, this being too aware, it causes very uncomfortable moments and at the same time it is fascinating because the observer can become the observed. Slowing down is treacherous and can be very misleading, I think. Analysis is a good tool, but not wisdom itself. The art of committing life by keeping your spontaneity without wanting it too much, because then it disappears, because no one has ever succeeded in being spontaneous on purpose. HaHa!!
Homo Sapiens is schizophrenic simply because of this ability to think himself out of himself. It is a curse as well as a blessing. It is as mysterious as it is ordinary. In the torment of being able to do such a thing, there is also the joy, as always everything is close together.
Of course, we couldn't watch a single play or film and take part in the action if we didn't have this ability and no one could think up roles and create characters. We would see something without understanding it.
True. And sometimes it is when we most recognise that we have abstracted, removed ourselves mentally and emotionally, albeit not physically, from a situation... and maybe all that is needed is the final ability to walk away from things that do not feed our soul. !ALIVE
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Terrific!! You’re insane for this @samsmith1971
To be a prisoner of your own mind. So strong and intense that it demands total surrender. The end of a consciousness and the beginning of another.
Emily’s troubles feels relatable in our reluctance to confront the parts of us we don’t like so much. To accept in totality that we are both Emily and Maxine; not a saint and not a sinner. Just a conflicted fusion of both.
I see Emily and Maxine making peace. That is the only way to win this game, this fight of an illusion of self. Maybe she stops seeing Maxine as the cruel powerful villain who’s out for her. I would encourage Emily to make room for the chaos. I would also tell her it is okay not to purse those memories but to just accept.
I was also moved by her pondering about who would be left standing when she dies and, I feel for her.
I would say Life is too big to try and make sense of it’s place when death comes. I think it is pointless worrying about how well we fare in the afterlife for that is not our fight anymore. Our salvation is in the acceptance of self rooted in love. We are taught to love all and that should flow inward too.
It is so beautiful that she has her unwavering faith despite it all.
Hey darling, I love your mind and your take on this month’s prompt. Amazing stuff. Thank you. ❤️😍
ah, Sugar, what an awesome comment on this short story of mine. Truly, I appreciate you! I love how you have applied the concept underlying the story as a metaphor for human life in general. And I think there are many times in life that we find ourselves conflicted over situations, relationships, events - and conflicted too over our responses to all the aforementioned... and perhaps a more loving acceptance of our different viewpoints that we hold within the self - of the various wranglings as we struggle to work out where we stand on issues of importance, is something that is needed. But as you said... LOVE ... let's start there... with a love for self, a love for others... a bit of compassion and humility. We are not born perfect and we don't die perfect. Between dawn and dusk... we may have glimpses of what that could be like... but we are here to learn, to grow, to do better. Acceptance of our own imperfection is not submission - it is simply awareness and awakening to its existence, and knowing that we don't have to stand and fight alone. !LUV !ALIVE
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What a marvelous comment and perspective! 💥
Thanks for guiding me back here.
And yesss! This is why I adore Hive as well ☝️💥
It's full of thinkers and seers and seekers and kindreds and finders and keepers.
Realizing you're not a stranger in a strange land after all is priceless 💗
Hello! :D
Just chaos and art
You're marvelous ❤️🔥
She was both Max and Emily :) Of course!
As we all are... max is the Shadow self, right? The Shadow self causes utter chaos until we sit with it long enough to befriend it.
I reckon Max had something to bring to the table. Survival wise. That Emily needed. Or that Emily wasn't allowed to be because of her environment.
Max sounds like a lot of fun... when she isn't pissed off and destructive because of it.
I also get pissed off when I'm repressed and ignored ;)
Jung spoke often of the duality of existence and the human experience. I think we should focus more on accepting that things just aren't fixed or finite in a world that is constantly changing (scientifically, literally) and evolving as we are all of the time!.
This makes it easier to accept that finding permanent solutions or understanding is not possible anyway.
I hope Emily learned to accept that we humans are never only one thing. We all have "good" qualities and we all have qualities that (society deems) "bad". Even these concepts of "good" and "bad" are always changing btw so...
Duality. Triality if you must!
Singularity is an illusion if we are experiencing life, as humans, trying to be "good". <3
Yes, I completely agree with you. You should see my comment on this too.
Maxine does sound like a lot of fun when she’s not being the embodiment of pure chaos. 😄
Hear! hear!! 👌
Hello fellow traveler!
Always happy to meet kindred spirits and here you are!
Do you have a story to tell... it certainly sounds as though you do.
Coming to find you...
I guess it all depends on perspective... in some ways, yes it is... we are multi-dimensional in character... life is dynamic and punctuated with human intervention and adjustment as responses to change... and those who don't anticipate or expect the shifts and changes that life will invariably bring... who don't use the opportunities for growth and perspective... are losing out on some of the greatest lessons that life has to offer us. We all have a number of selves within us - competing personalities that want to come out and play at different times. Sometimes we suppress them because of conditioning, upbringing, moral or religious belief, fear, shame you name it... but this is not giving true expression to every thought or desire that we may experience within our hearts or minds. Making peace with those thoughts, personalities, and characteristics is one way - simply accept the many aspects of the I ... acceptance does not mean submission. It is cognition. We still live in choice. And good can be bad and vice versa - perspective again 🙂
And yes... Max can be a lot of fun!
Perhaps one day we may all discover that although we experience life as multiple persona - that in the end - we are all part of the greater singularity... and becoming... is just part of the process.
!LUV !ALIVE
thank you for always being you... keeping it real. Love you, Nicky!
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Sam.......! I am envious of your fiction writing 😉....
Like always, a master piece it is. Having multiple personalities in one person is quite an interesting phenomenon. Don't you think we all have multiple personalities within us? One that has the full control takes over all the others. For some people, one of the personalities within deny to be controlled and then a fight begins. Something we call Split personality or Multiple Personality Disorder.
The question that pierced in my heart
Seriously, on what basis our life after death is gona be designed......!
Isn't this the greatest mystery requiring the deepest of faith... I find peace in meeting God in prayer... and simply surrendering when reality sinks in, time and again, that the design is His, and so is the control.
Thank you for appreciating my writing, my Sister... you know the feeling is mutual 💗
!LUV !ALIVE
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It certainly is.
I am grateful to God who made me meet you. You are one such loving soul 🥰
Hi @samsmith1971,
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Great story, btw! Wow! 💥
ty, Nicky💗
Perhaps you are the Queen when it comes to fiction writing. “How to be you po?” Heheh. This is a Filipino expression of appreciating somebody with salute. You nailed the illusion concept very well. !LUV it so much. !PIZZA
Thank you my sweet Pinkchic 💗
po... I have never heard that expression before... but thank you so much. I appreciate it xx
!LUV !ALIVE
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What a fantastic piece of fiction writing; you are a truly gifted author.
I love the story and I enjoyed reading it.
You are amazing
thank you for taking the time to read my piece ❣️!ALIVE
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You welcome ,I hope to see more
Yay! 🤗
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i wish i could write soo well like this,
this is nice, no letv me rephrase , this is beautiful, two personallity in one body? thats creativity.
i wasnt able to participate cause i had to concerntrate on my studies, wish i had tried to do something still. you write so well @samsmith1971
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All the best with your studies and exams, Treasure! Hopefully we'll see you next month 🙂
I appreciate your kind words.
!ALIVE
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Thank you so much 🥰🥰 yea hopefully next month
A stunning piece. Whilst some struggle to really capture the internal world of characters and use third person to flip between people who are at odds with and at war with each other, you do this brilliantly in the first person, really conveying that internal angst and fatal attraction to the other. Brilliantly executed.
Thank you, my lovely 😘 I appreciate this from you! I do love first-person narrative 💗 I find it allows me to feel more and share more in a way that is more real to me !LUV !ALIVE
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Oh yes, it's more emotionally immediate. It's a good exercise though to write in first or third then flip it and see what's missing or different!
But gah .. hate flipping through character names. It's hard to do third omniscient!
split personalities are parts of the whole person. Salvation goes to the whole person no matter how many parts.
Yes... it was a thought experiment... an intellectual and emotional examination of perspective played out in fiction. Thank you for taking the time to read this piece, Shadows, and for your important contribution to the conversation !LUV !ALIVE
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Great story @samsmith1971. It really brought to the fore the conflicts of our different personalities.
I like Maxine more, though, that's the sort of motherfucker I am, pleasure pleasure and no religion. But I'm more of the intellectual creative, though, I'm not into Maths and physics 😊.
PS: Do you remember The Woke Pimp? That's me, I can't believe I've not been connecting with y'all here on Hive (I'm still a curator too).
hi @nevies ... hehe yes I know who you are... !LOLZ good to see you here! I think both Maxine and Emily have something to offer... 🙂Thank you for taking the time to read my story...
And yeah, I think most of us are still curating VYB/POB for the VCP... come pop into Dreemport and share some of your own posts there with us (pg13 of course!)... wotw is just finishing its 5th month as dreem-wotw... and then we move to our 6th... would love to see you enter if you have the time/space 🤗
!PIZZA !ALIVE
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Cool! Yeah, I would love to enter. I'll take a look and see how it goes. Cheers 👍
this is perfection. hehehehe
it's like a psge out of a whole novel here... i want more hehehehe
what an interesting concept though - about salvation... I have never thoght of that. hahahaha but - thinking of it now - Max gets the gift that was imparted to Emily. hehehe why? because Jesus loves them both hehehe and He would only save one with the other. so deep down - our Max is redeemed - whether she admits it or not hehehehehe
oh my gosh - this was so good Sam!!! it really needed to be much more!!!! it ended way too soon hahahaha
my mind is spinning and salivating now for more hehehe... so so so good. write more hahahah
hi 🤗💗
yes... I agree... it's not long enough. I wanted it to be better and I would have liked to have had a couple of pivotal interactions between the two of them... something that developed the relationship, the understanding, the appreciation... but I only just got this entry in with 2 minutes to spare... and so it is somewhat lacking in that area... maybe I'll develop it further... I have a couple of short stories that I may go back to one day and do a part 2, 3 etc... they may require minor rewrites of the original to make them work better as a series.
But yes... both personalities, although experienced as separate... are from one source... within one body, one mind, one soul... and so I do believe that salvation is theirs. It was just something that popped into my head as a rhetorical question whilst I was ruminating about the prompt and I thought it would be interesting to explore it in fiction.
Thank you for always encouraging me with your beautiful words 💗
!LUV !LADY
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Congratulations @samsmith1971! You received a personal badge!
Participate in the next Power Up Day and try to power-up more HIVE to get a bigger Power-Bee.
May the Hive Power be with you!
You can view your badges on your board and compare yourself to others in the Ranking
Check out the last post from @hivebuzz: