As long as I can see the light

in #homesteading4 years ago

I have gone dark over the last couple of weeks, both here in Steemit and in life in general. I have been feeling an overwhelming amount of stress, and although I'm sure some of it has to do with the time change and the shorter days, some of it is just life stuff that always seems to come in waves.


The owner of the property down the road from me where I have been storing my hay for the brush goats for the last couple of years, and parking the goats when they are unemployed, suddenly had a meltdown because she had it in her head that I was supposed to have goats at her place all the time. She wouldn't understand the bit about the goats having to work for me to be able to afford to keep them, and kicked me out. So my son and his friends and I spent two days moving 100 bales of hay from that barn to Farmer Dan's barn.


It was a relief to get the hay out of there, although it was a little sad to close that chapter of my life. I think I have lost a friend in the process of this, and although her meltdown had very little to do with me in the grand scheme of things, the rift is no less real.


We got the hay all loaded into Farmer Dan's barn, but one of the boys left the door open and the goats got into the part of the barn with all the hay in it, something Farmer Dan has been extremely paranoid about since I moved them there in the first place. He was very unhappy, and although I apologized profusely, it took me a long time to go to sleep that night. I was worried that he was going to be upset enough to kick the goats off his property too, which would mean moving all that hay yet again. We have mended fences, though, so I feel better about that whole situation. He is really grateful for the work the goats are doing, and I guess that is a plus that outweighs the minus of the goat free-for-all in the barn.


My son moved back home about six weeks ago, which is not unusual for a kid his age (he's 22). However, his stuff didn't become accessible until last week (long story), so we spent a day in the city packing and moving all his worldly possessions. He feels much less stressed now that he has all his stuff back, but it has taken over the entire upstairs, and he is like frozen molasses when it comes to sorting or organizing or anything like that. So I have been the bad cop, making him deal with his stuff so life can get back to whatever passes for normal these days. On the plus side, having him home has given me a helper, and when I can get him motivated he's not half bad.


As I'm writing this, none of it seems like it should have been such a big deal, and I'm now feeling a bit self-conscious about the level of stress I allowed myself to feel about all of it. I guess it was all of it together. I keep the books for four companies on top of the day to day goat stuff, and there has been a lot of paperwork that has been put on the back burner for the last couple of months that has contributed to the feeling that I have no control of my life. I am starting to pull myself out of the hole, but it's a slow process.


I have been feeling a little more positive over the last couple of days, and getting some of the albatrosses off my neck has a lot to do with it. I have felt guilty for not posting on Steemit, which is a little ridiculous, and I have felt guilty about not looking at my feed and not voting on anybody's posts. I really value what I've created here and I really want to try to dig myself out of the funk I'm in and get back to interacting more regularly. I guess this year the coming of the dark coincided with too many other stressful things to allow me to function properly.


Yesterday my son went to work for a friend of mine, who lives near the family farm. I have been responsible for feeding the cows this week, so I drove over to do that after I dropped him off. It has been really cold for most of the week, but yesterday the fog was insane. I don't live on the river, so I don't see this kind of thing very often, but it was surreal. And it sort of exemplified what I've been feeling the last few weeks. Driving the mile from my friend's place to the farm felt like it took half an hour, because everything was shrouded in fog so thick that the world seemed to disappear. I was driving along the Columbia river, and normally I should have been able to see Washington on the other side, but even the river was invisible.


It felt like an apt analogy for how I've been feeling; lost in a fog with no way out and nothing to see no matter where I look. That sounds melodramatic, and it is, but sometimes that's the way it is. We just have to wait to see the light at the end of the tunnel and follow it until we get out.


I am under no illusions that I am completely out of the woods, since the holiday season is lurking and that will involve more family events than I can reasonable handle on the best of days. I am considering a boycott, but I might be overruled. What really sounds good is hibernating, but I don't think humans can pull that off without a lot of medical intervention.


I'm sorry if I've been a downer. I've been having a hard time and wanted to share a little of it, if only to get it out of my head. Here's a final pitcure to say that when the light is dying, it is the most beautiful.

Honeymoon 138.jpg

Good night, everyone, and keep looking for the light.


You did the right thing. The best way to break out of a funk is by becoming active again.

Hope it all works out for you.

Thank you. I'm stretching my active muscles as we speak.

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Big hugs, my friend. Sounds like it's been a rough time for you - as I think it's been for many of us. Don't forget that I'm always on the other side of Discord and can at least get your mind off things for a bit. I love how your posts become little heart-to-hearts - it's something that is unusual on Steem and definitely has a place. We all need to vent/share/emote from time to time.

I hope your son figures out his next stage quickly, but successfully. This new generation have their work cut out for them, but are rather directionless (as a whole). I hope each one of them (my sons are part of this generation just leaving home right now) find their own path to their own light.

That last picture is brilliant! I'm so glad you made it down to the beach - sometimes, that little bit of grounding helps.

Thank you for the hugs! I have definitely been in need of them. I am always pretty busy, but once in a while everything seems to hit at once, and then I start looking for rocks to hide under.

I am keeping my fingers crossed that the kid figures his life out quickly too. That generation is most certainly directionless. Maybe we should have given them compasses!

The problem is, this generation wants Captain Jack Sparrow's compass instead of the one that points North!
Yeah, definitely stressful watching him. I met a young woman in Walmart a few weeks ago - she was of that generation, mid-20s and she was despairing (and disparaging) of her generation! Not a good sign. I think my sons have done slightly better than the average, but it's too early to tell, really.

Empathizing with the "everything hits at once" sentiment. I've been struggling a bit too - including needing to buy a new-to-me camera! Some of this "everything" can't be on the blockchain though.

Nice photos! Especially that first one. Fog photography is one of my favorite things. We don't get a lot of it here, either, even though I live in a river valley.

Glad to hear things are turning around for you, too, and that you didn't have to move the hay again. That's a lot of work, even with an extra hand to help out. It sounds like the goats are being little wrascals, too! Do they make little gleeful sounds, when they get to go hog wild in the hay?

Did you ever get a puppy trailer? :-)

Thank you! I love taking pictures in the fog, but they don't usually come out very well.

I was so glad not to have to move the hay again! I've moved it enough times already! The goats are opportunists and will get into anything if they can figure out a way to do it. They actually do make little gleeful sounds when they're getting into trouble. I think they know they're getting away with something.

I never did get a puppy trailer, and I really should. I had to have puppies in the car the other day and they both barfed. Sooner or later they will get over it, but my shop vac is tired and grossed out.

Fog is definitely tricky. If you can get above the fog, it's a little easier. Of course, then you don't get the amazing fading effect in the same way.

Your poor, poor shop vac!

I am so glad to hear from you and see your beautiful pictures. These are quite fabulous! This is a hard time of year, and you have had a lot to deal with. I'm sending lots of hugs! 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗❤️😘

Thanks so much! Yeah, there's been a lot going on, and the gloomy weather isn't helping. I'm counting the days until the solstice and the gradual return of the sun. Thank you for the hugs!

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Sorry to hear that you are going through a rough patch at the moment. But you know what, nothing is permanent in this world and all these will come to pass too. All will be well again. Just on hang on in there.

You are right as usual. Everything passes if you give it long enough. Thanks for your kind words.

No worries. I hope you are feeling much brighter now. 😊

Change is tough. I tell myself that as I get older, change will be easier, but I'm pretty sure that's a lie. But thank goodness for it, since the negative does have a way of changing again, into a positive.

Nice to run into you. I am not too active here these days, but there are a few people that keep me from walking away. I have to come back and see how you all are now and then, and I'm glad I ran into you tonight.

Hope every day looks a little brighter.

Ha! I used to think change would get easier when I got older, and I guess in some ways it is. At least I've given up on the idea of permanence and have come to expect things to change. What is more difficult is actually coping with the changes, since the older we get, the more set in our ways we become. It's harder to adapt.

Good to hear from you too! I need to go catch up on your blog. Your posts are always a joy to read.

You never need to apologise for reaching out for someone to share the load with.

Hope your days get brighter.


Thank you. I am feeling emotionally brighter, but the weather is gloomy as hell and not helping even a little bit! You're probably lurching well into summer by now. I will think of sunshine and pretend there's no snow in the forecast.

I'm glad you're feeling better.

Yeah, heading towards summer. We had a 42°C day (107.6F) last week and will have many more to come...Still spring at the moment though. January, February and March are the killer-hot months. I have no doubt you'll see plenty of sunny-day photos and sunsets from the beach if you take a look at my blog over the next several months. 😃

Glad you are rising from the ashes. I think it helps getting things off your chest. Here's wishing you better times!

Thank you! It was a bit of a rough go for a while, but getting some of those big things done has helped a lot.

I wish you all the best and bright days 🌞

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Thank you! You too! I imagine it's getting pretty dark in your neighborhood these days.

I have missed you! It sounds like an awful lot happened unexpectedly at once, and I can completely understand your being both absent and a bit down. It sucks to be out of control like that, paperwork piling up, hay strewn about, offspring and goats in transition.
It's a rough patch? (I hate it when people say that to me, but it must help somebody because so many people do it)
I think the first friend will come around and understand someday. She may also have been in a fog.
Beautiful photos as always.
I wish you no more complications!

Thank you for your kind words. It was an awful lot, but now that the dust is settling a little I am feeling more in control. Except the weather is gloomy and depressing so I just want to sit in front of the wood stove and warm my feet all day! I am glad to be back here again. It's funny, the longer I was away, the harder it was to come back. I will try to be better, and maybe even get back to the freewrites one of these days!

It's addictive. The longer you stay away, the less you need it. I'm trying (and failing) to do much less. For me, I MUST turn off the wifi and all electronics to not be constantly drawn in.

But I did miss you! I often checked, and thought about asking around to see if anyone had heard from you. I'm glad you're back.

Howdy goat-girlz! Sorry to hear about so many problems hitting at once, I know the feeling and I think you're handling it well by getting active again and staying the course because you know things will improve.

Wonderful photos, by the way!

Thank you! It's starting to feel a tiny bit less crazy, but there's always a little crazy in my life. With animals, something is always going on. I guess that's true with people too!

Howdy today goat-girlz! that is so true about animals and craziness, or is it just with goats? lol. I hope the craziness lets up for Thanksgiving!

Hope you are feeling much better today and things have finally improved for you!
Look at the beautiful light should give you more hope and energy to deal with all the tasks!

I have been procrastinating a lot lately too and let certain things got out of control! It’s difficult to be active after being passive for a while!

I know you could do it! Just get up and move one foot in that direction.

‘A journey of a thousand mile starts with the first step!’

Good luck and be strong!

Thank you! I am feeling better as things start to settle down. It is definitely hard to get active again after being passive, as you said. Sometimes just doing one little thing makes the difference and the next thing is easier.

There is some beautiful darkness on the photographs, here. Great winter atmospheres.

Thanks so much! We had some cold and clear weather that made for some good sunsets, and the fog the other day was so moody and gloomy it was fun to go out and take pictures.

Dynamic weather is great incentive for photography :) when I see through the window that something is changing in the light and colors, I'm running out of the house.

Sorry the Debbie Downer syndrome had got you down... Sounds like your about out of it... Take your time getting back on Steemit ... I missed your pictures and down to earth stories... :-)

So understand and feel where you're coming from... :(
Been there, done all that too, unfortunately... The 'fog' is universal though, whether we like it or not. And when we're lost in it, every little thing feels heavier than it really is, and the weight is heaviest in the mind, that's the worst.

Stay tough, remember we're all with you...

On a lighter note, I love all the photographs you have here! My favourites are the 4th, 5th, 3rd, 9th 10th.... Ohhhh why do I bother listing them... Love them all!